Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Cleanin' Out the Joke book

Weight Watchers is suing rival Jenny Craig for running misleading ads. The case has inspired an upcoming episode of “Law and Order XXL.”

Kraft Foods has purchased Cadbury for $19.5 billion – making it the largest chocolate company in the world. As part of the deal the Cadbury Bunny will receive his own show at 11:30 on NBC.

Kraft Foods has purchased Cadbury for $19.5 billion – making it the largest chocolate company in the world. However, technically the largest producer of chocolate is still that chick from Two Girls One Cup.

Did you see George Lopez let Jennifer Lopez perform the opening monologue on his late night show last night? Yeah, she was the biggest ass in late night since Magic Johnson.

A photo of Mo’Nique on the Golden Globes’ red carpet revealed the actress to have hairy legs. Women’s groups are praising her for her independence - meanwhile PETA demanded she apologize for wearing fur.

A photo of Mo’Nique on the Golden Globes’ red carpet revealed the actress to have hairy legs - Which explains why her movie “Precious” hasn’t done very well in Brazil.

You hear this, if Simon Cowell leaves American Idol next season, apparently LaToya Jackson wants to replace him. She’s a natural fit: She has the name recognition, the music industry experience, and her face is just as tight as Simon’s t-shirts.

Microsoft is in talks with Disney to enable live streaming content from ESPN on your Xbox360. In a related story, men are no longer in talks with women.

… So now the Xbox will be available with the ability for guys to play Call of Duty and watch Sportscenter… Men haven’t been this excited since women became available with boobs and a vagina.

Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Russia. The menu will stay the same but instead of having it your way, customers will have to have it the government’s way.

Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Russia. The menu will stay the same except now if you order BK Burger shots… it’s mostly vodka.



Mayor Bloomberg is requiring the heads of city agencies to rotate jobs for three weeks to shake up the status quo. A Police Chief will oversee the FDNY, a parks department head will oversee schools, and Whoopi Goldberg will coach the Knicks.

Buzz Aldrin turned 80 years old today. He’s still in tip top health although nowadays most everybody calls him “Whizz” Aldrin.

A 3D image of Michael Jackson will perform his 'Earth Song' at this year’s Grammy Awards. Unfortunately his nose will only be 1D.

During new Republican Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” For those interested, you can find their dating profiles on “GopHarmony.com”

During new Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” Then it just got weird when Mark Foley stood up and shouted, “Do you have any sons?”

Critics are calling Brown’s publicizing of his daughters’ dating status irresponsible and dangerous – mostly because Levi Johnston is single.


Oprah plans to interview Jay Leno on her show next week. In true Oprah fashion, every member of the audience that day will receive free tickets to the Tonight Show… Then in true NBC fashion, they’ll take the tickets back and give them to Leno.

An astronaut aboard the International Space Station posted the first ever Tweet from space today writing, “Hello Twitterverse!” Though NASA initially believed the tweet to be spam due to the astronaut’s screen name, “TangLover69”

Speaking publicly today about Republican Scott Brown’s improbable Senate victory in Massachusetts earlier this week, President Obama vowed, “There will be more fights in the days ahead.” He’s right, apparently now Leno wants Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat so…

Israel agreed on a multi-million dollar payout with Hamas for the damage it caused to UN properties in the Gaza Strip last winter. Despite the payout, Israel did manage to retain ownership of Hamas’ beloved character, “Omar the Insult Comic Camel.”

A minor league prospect for the Oakland A’s has decided to retire from baseball in order to pursue the priesthood. Apparently he wasn’t getting enough balls in his face playing centerfield.

The plane Capt. Sully Sullenberger landed safely on the Hudson is now for up for sale in an online auction. You can place a bid by logging onto Craigslist’s “Frightening Encounters” page.

A new study suggests that Humans could perhaps run as fast 40 mph. Yeah, but only if Snooki from the Jersey Shore is trying to make out with you.

Can you imagine that, running at a top speed of 40 mph? -- “Absolutely not,” said every owner of a Prius.





This week Michael Jackson "This Is It" is available on Blu-Ray ... but it’s only a matter of time until it becomes available on White-Ray

Preparations are already underway for the New Orleans Saints to play in their first-ever Superbowl: Definitely not performing at Halftime: Katrina and the Waves.

It was reported this week that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. Apparently Jolie wants to adopt more children while Pitt wants to spend more time with his beard.

Passengers on a flight from Washington, DC to Las Vegas on Saturday tackled an ‘unruly’ man, who knocked on the cockpit door during the flight. He was arrested for violating the FAA regulation: “If this plane’s a-rockin’, don’t come-a knockin’.”

Gary Coleman was arrested on Sunday on a warrant for failing to appear in court on a previous domestic violence charge. When Coleman learned of the charges his only question was, “What’choo talkin’ ‘bout Officer?”

A school district in Southern California has removed dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child looked up the term “oral sex.” Just to be safe the school district also removed all arts and craft supplies to avoid any of female students learning how to “scissor.”

More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations. Their epiphany? Holy water is not vodka.

Apple may allow all US carriers to sell the iPhone before the end of the year - which is great news for the millions of cellular customers out there whose current phones can’t make fart noises.

A visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York lost her balance and fell into a Picasso painting, accidentally tearing the canvas. Officials are calling it the worst night at the museum since the time Ben Stiller got locked inside over night.

A visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York lost her balance and fell into a Picasso painting, accidentally tearing the canvas. This isn’t the first disturbance the woman’s caused at a museum… She once had to be escorted out of the Louvre for shouting at the Mona Lisa, “Stop staring at me, Bitch!”


It was reported this week that a 3-D installment of the movie, Gremlins is in development. The story is based on a real-life 3-D gremlin named, Snooki.

A sextape featuring former Senator John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter is rumored to exist and those who’ve seen it claim Edwards is “physically striking, in a certain area.” Yeah I’ve seen it and it’s “Rielle” big.

A year ago this week a mother of six named Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets. Today also marks the anniversary of the death of her vagina.

This week marked the one-year anniversary of the birth of the Octomom’s Octuplets… and the death of her vagina.

A nest of red-tailed hawks have made their home on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. They join another breed of hawks already nesting in the neighborhood: Faux Hawks.

Police arrested a man in Missouri after he tried to swallow a two-karat diamond ring he was suspected of stealing, but then coughed it back up. Upon witnessing the man regurgitate the ring police were able to confirm that “he went to Jared.”

According to an appraiser, the 130 million dollar Picasso painting damaged when a woman fell into it this week lost half its value and is now only worth 65 million dollars. Authorities are now investigating whether the woman may’ve also fallen into your 401K.

There is a growing dog-surfing craze along California’s beaches, in which owners take their pets out on the waves with them. Great, now when you’re in the Ocean and you step on something squishy, it’s probably not a jelly fish.

Air New Zealand announced this week that it will introduce new coach seats that recline into an almost flat bed on which two adults can sleep. Which is great news for anyone who’s ever wanted to spoon with the Sikh with his shoes off in 13C.

Huge week for Avatar: On Monday the movie officially topped “Titanic’s” 13 year-old world-wide box office record, becoming the highest grossing movie of all time… and James Cameron’s hair qualified for “Locks of Love.”






According to a new book called “The Politician” a graphic sex tape exists featuring former Senator John Edwards and his mistress. The tape also confirms his affinity for a different kind of $400 haircut.

Apple announced its newest creation this week called, “The iPad” – which allows users a more intimate device than a laptop to watch videos, play games, and read electronic books – basically it can handle a “heavier flow” of user content.

A woman from Guyana was arrested this week at JFK Airport with 54 pounds of cocaine stuffed in her pink suitcase. TSA agents found the cocaine during a body cavity search.

The federal government on Tuesday banned texting for bus drivers and commercial truckers – which means it’s back to the old-fashioned way of communicating while on the road: Meeting up in rest stop bathrooms.

It was reported that actor Kiefer Sutherland is among a number of people who were the victims of an alleged 800,000 dollar investment scheme involving buying steers from Mexico and selling them for a profit in the US. Upon learning the scheme was a fraud, Sutherland responded, “Dammit!”

Sutherland will reveal a minute-by-minute account of how he lost his money in the new Fox series: “24-01K”

A German man was arrested in New Zealand for trying to smuggle 40 endangered reptiles in his underwear. The man says he’s innocent, claims he was just looking for friends for his trouser snake.

This week ABC cancelled Ugly Betty. They plan to replace it with even uglier Leno.

There is a growing debate in some Brooklyn, New York neighborhoods whether people should be allowed to bring their babies into local bars. Let me settle this debate for everyone once and for all: Only if they’re hot.

On Wednesday same-sex marriage became legal in Washington DC - which makes it the first city in the world to be the home to both the President and the Queens.

Miracle on the Hudson pilot Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger announced this week that he is retiring. No word yet on when his swan song, final flight will take place - but when it does, look out migrating swans!


A Staten Island woman is suing a plastic surgeon claiming that a breast enlargement operation left her with “double-bubble” deformities that were “essentially four breasts.” Curious about what that looks like? Just Google, “1 Girl, 4 Cups”

Scientists at NASA say that the massive earthquake in Chile last week may have shifted the Earth’s axis and shortened days by 1.26 microseconds. Least upset about losing 1.26 microseconds from their days: The Octomom’s kids.

Investigators revealed Wednesday that an air traffic controller at JFK Airport let his 9 year old son and young daughter direct planes over two consecutive days. In the kids’ defense they’ve been helping their father land spoons full of apple sauce into their mouths since they were babies.

Democrats on Wednesday sharply criticized the Republican National Committee for a fundraising document that depicted President Obama as the Joker, Nancy Pelosi as Cruella de Vil and Harry Reid as Scooby-Doo. They were totally cool however with the depiction of Barney Frank as Mush Mouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

The Israeli Army has to call off a West Bank anti-terror raid after a soldier posted details on his Facebook page before the operation was to begin. We’ve obtained a copy of the soldier’s controversial Facebook status update: “Uri is… gym, then lunch, then West Bank anti-terror raid, then home, then Marriage Ref, then bed.”

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

1/26/10

It was reported this week that a 3-D installment of the movie, Gremlins is in development. The story is based on a real-life 3-D gremlin named, Snooki.

A sextape featuring former Senator John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter is rumored to exist and those who’ve seen it claim Edwards is “physically striking, in a certain area.” Yeah I’ve seen it and it’s “Rielle” big.

A year ago this week a mother of six named Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets. Today also marks the anniversary of the death of her vagina.

This week marked the one-year anniversary of the birth of the Octomom’s Octuplets… and the death of her vagina.

A nest of red-tailed hawks have made their home on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. They join another breed of hawks already nesting in the neighborhood: Faux Hawks.

Police arrested a man in Missouri after he tried to swallow a two-karat diamond ring he was suspected of stealing, but then coughed it back up. Upon witnessing the man regurgitate the ring police were able to confirm that “he went to Jared.”

According to an appraiser, the 130 million dollar Picasso painting damaged when a woman fell into it this week lost half its value and is now only worth 65 million dollars. Authorities are now investigating whether the woman may’ve also fallen into your 401K.

There is a growing dog-surfing craze along California’s beaches, in which owners take their pets out on the waves with them. Great, now when you’re in the Ocean and you step on something squishy, it’s probably not a jelly fish.

Air New Zealand announced this week that it will introduce new coach seats that recline into an almost flat bed on which two adults can sleep. Which is great news for anyone who’s ever wanted to spoon with the Sikh with his shoes off in 13C.

Huge week for Avatar: On Monday the movie officially topped “Titanic’s” 13 year-old world-wide box office record, becoming the highest grossing movie of all time… and James Cameron’s hair qualified for “Locks of Love.”

Monday, January 25, 2010

1/25/10

This week Michael Jackson "This Is It" is available on Blu-Ray ... but it’s only a matter of time until it becomes available on White-Ray

Preparations are already underway for the New Orleans Saints to play in their first-ever Superbowl: Definitely not performing at Halftime: Katrina and the Waves.

A school district in Southern California has removed dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child looked up the term “oral sex.” Just to be safe the school district also removed all arts and craft supplies to avoid any of female students learning how to “scissor.”


It was reported this week that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. Apparently Jolie wants to adopt more children while Pitt wants to spend more time with his beard.

Passengers on a flight from Washington, DC to Las Vegas on Saturday tackled an ‘unruly’ man, who knocked on the cockpit door during the flight. He was arrested for violating the FAA regulation: “If this plane’s a-rockin’, don’t come-a knockin’.”

Gary Coleman was arrested on Sunday on a warrant for failing to appear in court on a previous domestic violence charge. When Coleman learned of the charges his only question was, “What’choo talkin’ ‘bout Officer?”

More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations. Their epiphany? Holy water is not vodka.

Apple may allow all US carriers to sell the iPhone before the end of the year - which is great news for the millions of cellular customers out there whose current phones can’t make fart noises.

A visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York lost her balance and fell into a Picasso painting, accidentally tearing the canvas. Officials are calling it the worst night at the museum since the time Ben Stiller got locked inside over night.

This isn’t the first disturbance the woman’s caused at a museum… She once had to be escorted out of the Louvre for shouting at the Mona Lisa, “Stop staring at me, Bitch!”

Friday, January 22, 2010

1/22/10

Oprah plans to interview Jay Leno on her show next week. In true Oprah fashion, every member of the audience that day will receive free tickets to the Tonight Show… Then in true NBC fashion, they’ll take the tickets back and give them to Leno.

An astronaut aboard the International Space Station posted the first ever Tweet from space today writing, “Hello Twitterverse!” Though NASA initially believed the tweet to be spam due to the astronaut’s screen name, “TangLover69”

Speaking publicly today about Republican Scott Brown’s improbable Senate victory in Massachusetts earlier this week, President Obama vowed, “There will be more fights in the days ahead.” He’s right, apparently now Leno wants Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat so…

Israel agreed on a multi-million dollar payout with Hamas for the damage it caused to UN properties in the Gaza Strip last winter. Despite the payout, Israel did manage to retain ownership of Hamas’ beloved character, “Omar the Insult Comic Camel.”

A minor league prospect for the Oakland A’s has decided to retire from baseball in order to pursue the priesthood. Apparently he wasn’t getting enough balls in his face playing centerfield.

The plane Capt. Sully Sullenberger landed safely on the Hudson is now up for sale. You can enter the auction by logging onto Craigslist’s “Frightening Encounters” page.

A new study suggests that Humans could perhaps run as fast 40 mph. Yeah, but only if Snooki from the Jersey Shore is trying to make out with you.

Can you imagine that, running at a top speed of 40 mph? -- “Absolutely not,” said every owner of a Prius.

1/21/10

Plane grounded due to suspicion over Orthodox teen's Tefillin. Even more humiliating, TSA agent performed a body cavity search on the kid thru a sheet.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

1/20/10

Mayor Bloomberg is requiring the heads of city agencies to rotate jobs for three weeks to shake up the status quo. A Police Chief will oversee the FDNY, a parks department head will oversee schools, and Whoopi Goldberg will coach the Knicks.

Buzz Aldrin turned 80 years old today. He’s still in tip top health although nowadays most everybody calls him “Whizz” Aldrin.

A 3D image of Michael Jackson will perform his 'Earth Song' at this year’s Grammy Awards. Unfortunately his nose will only be 1D.

During new Republican Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” For those interested, you can find their dating profiles on “GopHarmony.com”

During new Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” Then it just got weird when Mark Foley stood up and shouted, “Do you have any sons?”

Critics are calling Brown’s publicizing of his daughters’ dating status irresponsible and dangerous – mostly because Levi Johnston is single.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

1/19/10

Weight Watchers is suing rival Jenny Craig for running misleading ads. The case has inspired an upcoming episode of “Law and Order XXL.”

Kraft Foods has purchased Cadbury for $19.5 billion – making it the largest chocolate company in the world. As part of the deal the Cadbury Bunny will receive his own show at 11:30 on NBC.

Kraft Foods has purchased Cadbury for $19.5 billion – making it the largest chocolate company in the world. However, technically the largest producer of chocolate is still that chick from Two Girls One Cup.

Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Russia. The menu will stay the same but instead of having it your way, customers will have to have it the government’s way.

Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Russia. The menu will stay the same except now if you order BK Burger shots… it’s mostly vodka.

Did you see George Lopez let Jennifer Lopez perform the opening monologue on his late night show last night? Yeah, she was the biggest ass in late night since Magic Johnson.

A photo of Mo’Nique on the Golden Globes’ red carpet revealed the actress to have hairy legs. Women’s groups are praising her for her independence - meanwhile PETA demanded she apologize for wearing fur.

A photo of Mo’Nique on the Golden Globes’ red carpet revealed the actress to have hairy legs - Which explains why her movie “Precious” hasn’t done very well in Brazil.

You hear this, if Simon Cowell leaves American Idol next season, apparently LaToya Jackson wants to replace him. She’s a natural fit: She has the name recognition, the music industry experience, and her face is just as tight as Simon’s t-shirts.

Microsoft is in talks with Disney to enable live streaming content from ESPN on your Xbox360. In a related story, men are no longer in talks with women.

… So now the Xbox will be available with the ability for guys to play Call of Duty and watch Sportscenter… Men haven’t been this excited since women became available with boobs and a vagina.