Jokes for Jimmy

Cleanin' Out the Joke book

2010-03-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

Weight Watchers is suing rival Jenny Craig for running misleading ads. The case has inspired an upcoming episode of “Law and Order XXL.”

Kraft Foods has purchased Cadbury for $19.5 billion – making it the largest chocolate company in the world. As part of the deal the Cadbury Bunny will receive his own show at 11:30 on NBC.

Kraft Foods has purchased Cadbury for $19.5 billion – making it the largest chocolate company in the world. However, technically the largest producer of chocolate is still that chick from Two Girls One Cup.

Did you see George Lopez let Jennifer Lopez perform the opening monologue on his late night show last night? Yeah, she was the biggest ass in late night since Magic Johnson.

A photo of Mo’Nique on the Golden Globes’ red carpet revealed the actress to have hairy legs. Women’s groups are praising her for her independence - meanwhile PETA demanded she apologize for wearing fur.

A photo of Mo’Nique on the Golden Globes’ red carpet revealed the actress to have hairy legs - Which explains why her movie “Precious” hasn’t done very well in Brazil.

You hear this, if Simon Cowell leaves American Idol next season, apparently LaToya Jackson wants to replace him. She’s a natural fit: She has the name recognition, the music industry experience, and her face is just as tight as Simon’s t-shirts.

Microsoft is in talks with Disney to enable live streaming content from ESPN on your Xbox360. In a related story, men are no longer in talks with women.

… So now the Xbox will be available with the ability for guys to play Call of Duty and watch Sportscenter… Men haven’t been this excited since women became available with boobs and a vagina.

Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Russia. The menu will stay the same but instead of having it your way, customers will have to have it the government’s way.

Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Russia. The menu will stay the same except now if you order BK Burger shots… it’s mostly vodka.

Mayor Bloomberg is requiring the heads of city agencies to rotate jobs for three weeks to shake up the status quo. A Police Chief will oversee the FDNY, a parks department head will oversee schools, and Whoopi Goldberg will coach the Knicks.

Buzz Aldrin turned 80 years old today. He’s still in tip top health although nowadays most everybody calls him “Whizz” Aldrin.

A 3D image of Michael Jackson will perform his 'Earth Song' at this year’s Grammy Awards. Unfortunately his nose will only be 1D.

During new Republican Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” For those interested, you can find their dating profiles on “GopHarmony.com”

During new Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” Then it just got weird when Mark Foley stood up and shouted, “Do you have any sons?”

Critics are calling Brown’s publicizing of his daughters’ dating status irresponsible and dangerous – mostly because Levi Johnston is single.

Oprah plans to interview Jay Leno on her show next week. In true Oprah fashion, every member of the audience that day will receive free tickets to the Tonight Show… Then in true NBC fashion, they’ll take the tickets back and give them to Leno.

An astronaut aboard the International Space Station posted the first ever Tweet from space today writing, “Hello Twitterverse!” Though NASA initially believed the tweet to be spam due to the astronaut’s screen name, “TangLover69”

Speaking publicly today about Republican Scott Brown’s improbable Senate victory in Massachusetts earlier this week, President Obama vowed, “There will be more fights in the days ahead.” He’s right, apparently now Leno wants Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat so…

Israel agreed on a multi-million dollar payout with Hamas for the damage it caused to UN properties in the Gaza Strip last winter. Despite the payout, Israel did manage to retain ownership of Hamas’ beloved character, “Omar the Insult Comic Camel.”

A minor league prospect for the Oakland A’s has decided to retire from baseball in order to pursue the priesthood. Apparently he wasn’t getting enough balls in his face playing centerfield.

The plane Capt. Sully Sullenberger landed safely on the Hudson is now for up for sale in an online auction. You can place a bid by logging onto Craigslist’s “Frightening Encounters” page.

A new study suggests that Humans could perhaps run as fast 40 mph. Yeah, but only if Snooki from the Jersey Shore is trying to make out with you.

Can you imagine that, running at a top speed of 40 mph? -- “Absolutely not,” said every owner of a Prius.

This week Michael Jackson "This Is It" is available on Blu-Ray ... but it’s only a matter of time until it becomes available on White-Ray

Preparations are already underway for the New Orleans Saints to play in their first-ever Superbowl: Definitely not performing at Halftime: Katrina and the Waves.

It was reported this week that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. Apparently Jolie wants to adopt more children while Pitt wants to spend more time with his beard.

Passengers on a flight from Washington, DC to Las Vegas on Saturday tackled an ‘unruly’ man, who knocked on the cockpit door during the flight. He was arrested for violating the FAA regulation: “If this plane’s a-rockin’, don’t come-a knockin’.”

Gary Coleman was arrested on Sunday on a warrant for failing to appear in court on a previous domestic violence charge. When Coleman learned of the charges his only question was, “What’choo talkin’ ‘bout Officer?”

A school district in Southern California has removed dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child looked up the term “oral sex.” Just to be safe the school district also removed all arts and craft supplies to avoid any of female students learning how to “scissor.”

More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations. Their epiphany? Holy water is not vodka.

Apple may allow all US carriers to sell the iPhone before the end of the year - which is great news for the millions of cellular customers out there whose current phones can’t make fart noises.

A visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York lost her balance and fell into a Picasso painting, accidentally tearing the canvas. Officials are calling it the worst night at the museum since the time Ben Stiller got locked inside over night.

A visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York lost her balance and fell into a Picasso painting, accidentally tearing the canvas. This isn’t the first disturbance the woman’s caused at a museum… She once had to be escorted out of the Louvre for shouting at the Mona Lisa, “Stop staring at me, Bitch!”

It was reported this week that a 3-D installment of the movie, Gremlins is in development. The story is based on a real-life 3-D gremlin named, Snooki.

A sextape featuring former Senator John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter is rumored to exist and those who’ve seen it claim Edwards is “physically striking, in a certain area.” Yeah I’ve seen it and it’s “Rielle” big.

A year ago this week a mother of six named Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets. Today also marks the anniversary of the death of her vagina.

This week marked the one-year anniversary of the birth of the Octomom’s Octuplets… and the death of her vagina.

A nest of red-tailed hawks have made their home on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. They join another breed of hawks already nesting in the neighborhood: Faux Hawks.

Police arrested a man in Missouri after he tried to swallow a two-karat diamond ring he was suspected of stealing, but then coughed it back up. Upon witnessing the man regurgitate the ring police were able to confirm that “he went to Jared.”

According to an appraiser, the 130 million dollar Picasso painting damaged when a woman fell into it this week lost half its value and is now only worth 65 million dollars. Authorities are now investigating whether the woman may’ve also fallen into your 401K.

There is a growing dog-surfing craze along California’s beaches, in which owners take their pets out on the waves with them. Great, now when you’re in the Ocean and you step on something squishy, it’s probably not a jelly fish.

Air New Zealand announced this week that it will introduce new coach seats that recline into an almost flat bed on which two adults can sleep. Which is great news for anyone who’s ever wanted to spoon with the Sikh with his shoes off in 13C.

Huge week for Avatar: On Monday the movie officially topped “Titanic’s” 13 year-old world-wide box office record, becoming the highest grossing movie of all time… and James Cameron’s hair qualified for “Locks of Love.”

According to a new book called “The Politician” a graphic sex tape exists featuring former Senator John Edwards and his mistress. The tape also confirms his affinity for a different kind of $400 haircut.

Apple announced its newest creation this week called, “The iPad” – which allows users a more intimate device than a laptop to watch videos, play games, and read electronic books – basically it can handle a “heavier flow” of user content.

A woman from Guyana was arrested this week at JFK Airport with 54 pounds of cocaine stuffed in her pink suitcase. TSA agents found the cocaine during a body cavity search.

The federal government on Tuesday banned texting for bus drivers and commercial truckers – which means it’s back to the old-fashioned way of communicating while on the road: Meeting up in rest stop bathrooms.

It was reported that actor Kiefer Sutherland is among a number of people who were the victims of an alleged 800,000 dollar investment scheme involving buying steers from Mexico and selling them for a profit in the US. Upon learning the scheme was a fraud, Sutherland responded, “Dammit!”

Sutherland will reveal a minute-by-minute account of how he lost his money in the new Fox series: “24-01K”

A German man was arrested in New Zealand for trying to smuggle 40 endangered reptiles in his underwear. The man says he’s innocent, claims he was just looking for friends for his trouser snake.

This week ABC cancelled Ugly Betty. They plan to replace it with even uglier Leno.

There is a growing debate in some Brooklyn, New York neighborhoods whether people should be allowed to bring their babies into local bars. Let me settle this debate for everyone once and for all: Only if they’re hot.

On Wednesday same-sex marriage became legal in Washington DC - which makes it the first city in the world to be the home to both the President and the Queens.

Miracle on the Hudson pilot Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger announced this week that he is retiring. No word yet on when his swan song, final flight will take place - but when it does, look out migrating swans!

A Staten Island woman is suing a plastic surgeon claiming that a breast enlargement operation left her with “double-bubble” deformities that were “essentially four breasts.” Curious about what that looks like? Just Google, “1 Girl, 4 Cups”

Scientists at NASA say that the massive earthquake in Chile last week may have shifted the Earth’s axis and shortened days by 1.26 microseconds. Least upset about losing 1.26 microseconds from their days: The Octomom’s kids.

Investigators revealed Wednesday that an air traffic controller at JFK Airport let his 9 year old son and young daughter direct planes over two consecutive days. In the kids’ defense they’ve been helping their father land spoons full of apple sauce into their mouths since they were babies.

Democrats on Wednesday sharply criticized the Republican National Committee for a fundraising document that depicted President Obama as the Joker, Nancy Pelosi as Cruella de Vil and Harry Reid as Scooby-Doo. They were totally cool however with the depiction of Barney Frank as Mush Mouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

The Israeli Army has to call off a West Bank anti-terror raid after a soldier posted details on his Facebook page before the operation was to begin. We’ve obtained a copy of the soldier’s controversial Facebook status update: “Uri is… gym, then lunch, then West Bank anti-terror raid, then home, then Marriage Ref, then bed.”

1/26/10

2010-01-26T14:23:00.001-08:00

It was reported this week that a 3-D installment of the movie, Gremlins is in development. The story is based on a real-life 3-D gremlin named, Snooki.

A sextape featuring former Senator John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter is rumored to exist and those who’ve seen it claim Edwards is “physically striking, in a certain area.” Yeah I’ve seen it and it’s “Rielle” big.

A year ago this week a mother of six named Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets. Today also marks the anniversary of the death of her vagina.

This week marked the one-year anniversary of the birth of the Octomom’s Octuplets… and the death of her vagina.

A nest of red-tailed hawks have made their home on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. They join another breed of hawks already nesting in the neighborhood: Faux Hawks.

Police arrested a man in Missouri after he tried to swallow a two-karat diamond ring he was suspected of stealing, but then coughed it back up. Upon witnessing the man regurgitate the ring police were able to confirm that “he went to Jared.”

According to an appraiser, the 130 million dollar Picasso painting damaged when a woman fell into it this week lost half its value and is now only worth 65 million dollars. Authorities are now investigating whether the woman may’ve also fallen into your 401K.

There is a growing dog-surfing craze along California’s beaches, in which owners take their pets out on the waves with them. Great, now when you’re in the Ocean and you step on something squishy, it’s probably not a jelly fish.

Air New Zealand announced this week that it will introduce new coach seats that recline into an almost flat bed on which two adults can sleep. Which is great news for anyone who’s ever wanted to spoon with the Sikh with his shoes off in 13C.

Huge week for Avatar: On Monday the movie officially topped “Titanic’s” 13 year-old world-wide box office record, becoming the highest grossing movie of all time… and James Cameron’s hair qualified for “Locks of Love.”

1/25/10

2010-01-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

This week Michael Jackson "This Is It" is available on Blu-Ray ... but it’s only a matter of time until it becomes available on White-Ray

Preparations are already underway for the New Orleans Saints to play in their first-ever Superbowl: Definitely not performing at Halftime: Katrina and the Waves.

A school district in Southern California has removed dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child looked up the term “oral sex.” Just to be safe the school district also removed all arts and craft supplies to avoid any of female students learning how to “scissor.”

It was reported this week that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. Apparently Jolie wants to adopt more children while Pitt wants to spend more time with his beard.

Passengers on a flight from Washington, DC to Las Vegas on Saturday tackled an ‘unruly’ man, who knocked on the cockpit door during the flight. He was arrested for violating the FAA regulation: “If this plane’s a-rockin’, don’t come-a knockin’.”

Gary Coleman was arrested on Sunday on a warrant for failing to appear in court on a previous domestic violence charge. When Coleman learned of the charges his only question was, “What’choo talkin’ ‘bout Officer?”

More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations. Their epiphany? Holy water is not vodka.

Apple may allow all US carriers to sell the iPhone before the end of the year - which is great news for the millions of cellular customers out there whose current phones can’t make fart noises.

A visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York lost her balance and fell into a Picasso painting, accidentally tearing the canvas. Officials are calling it the worst night at the museum since the time Ben Stiller got locked inside over night.

This isn’t the first disturbance the woman’s caused at a museum… She once had to be escorted out of the Louvre for shouting at the Mona Lisa, “Stop staring at me, Bitch!”

1/22/10

2010-01-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

Oprah plans to interview Jay Leno on her show next week. In true Oprah fashion, every member of the audience that day will receive free tickets to the Tonight Show… Then in true NBC fashion, they’ll take the tickets back and give them to Leno.

An astronaut aboard the International Space Station posted the first ever Tweet from space today writing, “Hello Twitterverse!” Though NASA initially believed the tweet to be spam due to the astronaut’s screen name, “TangLover69”

Speaking publicly today about Republican Scott Brown’s improbable Senate victory in Massachusetts earlier this week, President Obama vowed, “There will be more fights in the days ahead.” He’s right, apparently now Leno wants Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat so…

Israel agreed on a multi-million dollar payout with Hamas for the damage it caused to UN properties in the Gaza Strip last winter. Despite the payout, Israel did manage to retain ownership of Hamas’ beloved character, “Omar the Insult Comic Camel.”

A minor league prospect for the Oakland A’s has decided to retire from baseball in order to pursue the priesthood. Apparently he wasn’t getting enough balls in his face playing centerfield.

The plane Capt. Sully Sullenberger landed safely on the Hudson is now up for sale. You can enter the auction by logging onto Craigslist’s “Frightening Encounters” page.

A new study suggests that Humans could perhaps run as fast 40 mph. Yeah, but only if Snooki from the Jersey Shore is trying to make out with you.

Can you imagine that, running at a top speed of 40 mph? -- “Absolutely not,” said every owner of a Prius.

1/21/10

2010-01-22T09:14:00.001-08:00

Plane grounded due to suspicion over Orthodox teen's Tefillin. Even more humiliating, TSA agent performed a body cavity search on the kid thru a sheet.

1/20/10

2010-01-20T14:36:00.001-08:00

Mayor Bloomberg is requiring the heads of city agencies to rotate jobs for three weeks to shake up the status quo. A Police Chief will oversee the FDNY, a parks department head will oversee schools, and Whoopi Goldberg will coach the Knicks.

Buzz Aldrin turned 80 years old today. He’s still in tip top health although nowadays most everybody calls him “Whizz” Aldrin.

A 3D image of Michael Jackson will perform his 'Earth Song' at this year’s Grammy Awards. Unfortunately his nose will only be 1D.

During new Republican Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” For those interested, you can find their dating profiles on “GopHarmony.com”

During new Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown’s victory speech last night he introduced his two daughters and announced that they’re both “available.” Then it just got weird when Mark Foley stood up and shouted, “Do you have any sons?”

Critics are calling Brown’s publicizing of his daughters’ dating status irresponsible and dangerous – mostly because Levi Johnston is single.

1/19/10

2010-01-19T12:35:00.000-08:00

1/18/10

2010-01-18T16:12:00.001-08:00

At one point during last night’s Golden Globes, Mike Tyson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Mickey Rourke each presented awards back-to-back-to-back. Yeah, it was NBC’s way of promoting their new show, “The Pronunciation Ref.”

Apple announced today a special event for Wednesday, January 27, in San Francisco to reveal to the public its "latest creation." The event is called for noon but knowing Apple, they’ll probably drop the call.

The event is going to be Huge! Apple users are planning to attend en mass, there’s an app available with daily updates about the event, and the department of homeland security has already issued a “Nerd Alert.”

Sad news, Glenn Bell Jr, the founder of Taco Bell, died over the weekend at age 86.
Per his wishes Bell will be sour-cremated.

The cause of death according to doctors: The Taco Bell “Drive-Thru” diet.

He’ll be buried in a strip mall alongside a Pizza Hut Express.

The family is planning a traditional burial: In the ground topped with a layer of dirt, a layer of grass, a layer of cheese...

The cause of death according to doctors: One too many fourth meals.

Huge weekend for Avatar. The movie surpassed $500 million at the US box office, snagged two Golden Globes, and James Cameron’s Hair qualified for “Locks of Love”

Producers of Fox’s “Glee” say they are creating a role on the series for Jennifer Lopez in which she’d play a cafeteria lady. Because if there’s one thing kids love, it’s J.Lo (Jell-o) for lunch.

She’ll be just like every other cafeteria lady except her Sloppy Joe will be served on extra large buns.

She’ll be just like every other cafeteria lady except in her line “your lunch don’t cost a thing… thing… thing.”

12/23/09

2009-12-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! So if you’ve been good this year, you can expect toys and gifts in your stocking… or a sh*load of coal if you’re Tiger Woods.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! - Which means if you hear someone sneaking into your house tomorrow night, it’s probably Santa Claus… or some couple the Secret Service let in.

12/22/09

2009-12-28T15:06:00.000-08:00

This is just disgusting - police in the UK are on the lookout for a man who has been going around supermarkets, sniffing people's butts while they shop. To be fair though, that's just how the guy finds the freshest dingleberries. Did anyone see this?

Darth Vader and R2D2 rang the opening bell today at the New York Stock Exchange. Yeah because nothing inspires Wall Street more than seeing the Lord of the Dark Side and a Garbage Can first thing in the morning.

President Obama may delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii so that he can deal with healthcare. But don't worry, if he gets lonely while everyone's away, he can always hang out with all the strangers the Secret Service lets inside the White House.

Obama said Sasha and Malia aren't asking for much this Christmas, but they do like iPods, video games, and books. But number one on their list are a couple pairs of noise cancelling headphones for when they have to hang out with Joe Biden.

This is just unreal - last night, the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead and wound up losing by four to the Sacramento Kings. When the Nets heard how Chicago played they were like, "Whooooaaaa you guys scored 35 points!"

According to a new Rasmussen poll, 56% now disapprove of the job President Obama is doing. Former President Bush was like, "Wow, that's more than half, congratulations!"

12/21/09

2009-12-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

The winter storm dumped 16 inches in Washington, D.C. this weekend. It was so bad Hillary Clinton had to break out her snow-pants suit.

Kevin Jonas is now married. About 400 guests attended the ceremony on Saturday during a blizzard. The ceremony lasted about an hour... and the wedding night lasted about 30 seconds.

In his interview with Playboy Magazine, Diddy says, “I hope” President Obama “reads this interview and adopts me.” Unfortunately for Diddy, the White House's Playboy subscription ran out when Bill Clinton left office.

A new study from the CDC found that New York is the least happiest state in the U.S. To be fair, the study only surveyed Mets fans.

A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. Apparently she decided to try skydiving since she's already a pro at crapping in her pants.

Congress will vote on a final health care bill at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Strategists are calling Christmas Eve the perfect time to pass the bill - since that's when Joe Lieberman will be out eating Chinese food with his family.

British soldiers are set to receive new camouflage for the first time in 40 years. Yeah apparently red coats and 3 feet tall furry hats weren't cutting it in Iraq.

Some sad news - Sol Price, the founder of the Price Club, died at the age of 93. As per his wishes... he was burried in bulk alongside 30 other dead guys.

As per his wishes he was creamated and free samples of his ashes were handed out at the funeral.

12/18/09

2009-12-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Senate leaders are trying to finalize the health care bill for a final vote on Christmas Eve. It's a brilliant strategic move since every year that's the night Joe Lieberman takes his family out for Chinese food.

It's freezing outside - temperatures dropped into the teens today! The worst part is... I forgot my hat today, so this afternoon when I went out for lunch I had to borrow Questlove's afro!

You guys hear this? New York City's outer boroughs are getting a new area code because all the others will be used up by 2012. Yeah there's 718, 347, and now they're adding 71-Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend! So you know what that means, right??? The whole time during the ceremony he's gonna be thinking, "C'mon, can we speed this up already? Let's go!!!"

Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend... The wedding ceremony is expected to last about an hour... and his wedding night is expected to last about 30 seconds!

Happy, happy 46th birthday to Brad Pitt! Interesting fact about Pitt, apparently growing up he used to get depressed on his birthday because it was so close to Christmas... but now he gets to have sex with Angelina Jolie so it's all good.

I read this today, one of Tiger Woods' mistresses Jamie Jungers claims she has naked pictures of them together. Yeah apparently you can see his wood and her "Jungers."

James Cameron said he expects California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting once his term expires. When told of Cameron's comment, Arnold said, "it's just a RUMOR!"

Big snow storm coming this weekend guys... It's supposed to hit New York harder than that guy who punched Snooki on "Jersey Shore"!

Big snow storm expected to hit Washington DC this weekend. Everyone's bracing for the worst: Offices are closing early, the roads are being salted, and Hillary Clinton's breaking out her snow-pants suit.

12/17/09

2009-12-21T10:43:00.001-08:00

A company in Ireland has started selling an eco-friendly vibrator that's powered by turning a handle clockwise – which generates energy. Women were like "Yes! Finally a hand job we can enjoy!"

Big news. Domino’s is changing its pizza recipe to have a more garlicky crust, with a different tomato sauce and higher quality cheese. But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still taste amazing when you're high.

... But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still be completely offensive to Italian people.

A company in Dubai says it still plans to build a golf course designed by and named after Tiger Woods. At first, club members can only play with one partner... then later on they can have as many as they want.

This is crazy. Police in Italy arrested a man who was trying to sneak into Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s hospital room, while he recovers from an attack at a rally earlier this week. When the Secret Service heard about the arrest they were like, "Whooooa how'd you guys do that???"

12/16/09

2009-12-21T10:42:00.001-08:00

Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the best "swinger" alive today.

Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the Wilt Chamberlain of golf.

Have you guys been following this war of words between Sarah Palin and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yesterday Arnold attacked Palin over climate change, today Palin hit back about his economic record. Then Arnold was like, "Go back to Alaska!" and Palin was like, "Where's that?"

Two strangers who met on Captain Sully’s Miracle on the Hudson flight are now seriously dating each other. Yeah apparently they joined the - "Oh my God we're Plummeting from 30,000 Miles!" - High club.

12/15/09

2009-12-21T10:41:00.001-08:00

Did you guys hear about this, Christmas tree vendors in Hawaii have completely sold out of Christmas trees. Yeah and apparently they're also out of leis (lays) thanks to Tiger Woods.

A pro-marijuana group in California says it has enough signatures to put legalizing marijuana on the ballot in 2010. Though it probably doesn't help that the ballot is full of signatures from some guy named "Smokey McBonghit."

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report of industries that will lose the most jobs in the next decade. Among the industries on the list is the Postal Service... which means next time I need a stamp I won't be going to the Post Office.

Did you see this? LeBron James took a fan’s French fry during a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. It's not the first time this has happened during an NBA game... The other night one of the Nets tried the same thing... but the fan went right around him and dunked the fry in his face.

Among the candidates for Time Magazine's Person of the Year is “The Chinese Worker” because of their influence in one of the world's largest economies. Meanwhile Chinese Workers were like, "Thanks for narrowing it down! You know there's millions of us, right?! -- Who else is on the list, "Tiger Woods' mistresses?!"

12/14/09

2009-12-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the Senate passed a $1.1 trillion spending bill with increased budgets for health, education, law and veterans’ programs. In other words, China just upped our allowance.

In order to boost attendance, a church in New Jersey is offering “Football Sunday,” where people can where jerseys to church and tailgate in the parking lot. So far it's working great except for all the vomit in the collection plate.

According to a new Rasmussen poll, President Obama’s approval rating is now at 44% - a new low. Yeah his numbers are decreasing faster than Tiger Woods' bank account.

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face yesterday by a deranged man. He suffered a fractured nose and two broken teeth. Italy is reeling from the incident, in fact out of respect for Burlusconi, today the Italian Parliament observed a somber moment of "Oooohhhhh"...

During last night’s “Christmas at the White House” special, the Obamas said they will leave cookies and milk in the yellow room for Santa. That's just what the Secret Service needs - another visitor at the White house with a history of sneeking into places.

Tiger Woods announced this weekend that he is leaving golf indefinitely. The rest of the PGA tour was like, "great, more chicks for the rest of us!" -- meanwhile chicks were like, "great, now we have to have sex with Vijay Singh..."

The Association of Traditional French Cheese Makers just came out with a promotional pin-up calendar featuring sexy models selling regional cheeses. I just got my copy and let me tell you, each month is hotter than the next... except for April which features Ms. Cottage Cheese.

MTV’s new reality show “Jersey Shore,” doubled its ratings in its second week from 1.37 million viewers for the series premiere, to 2.1 million for the second episode. When asked to explain the success of the show, MTV said they've never seen a cast GEL this much.

In case you were wondering... according to E!, "Tiger’s Wood" is “the official porn parody of the non-golf exploits of” Tiger Woods." So don't be fooled by all the unofficial Tiger Woods porn movies out there like, "Who's Your Caddy?" or "Tiger's PGA Whore"

Happy Birthday to Bob Barker, yesterday he turned 86 years old. Though his actual retail age iiiiiiiiis: 105!

12/9/09

2009-12-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

Sarah Palin made Barbara Walters’ list of the Ten Most Fascinating People this year AND last year. The first time in the show’s 17-year history that someone has made the list two years in a row. Insiders say that next year, Palin has a shot to "three-pete"... unless she quits the list first.

Kiki, the tortoise – one of the world’s oldest animals – died last week in France at the age of 146. It's a sad story: about 46 years ago she started walking across a busy street... and then last week, boom! So sad.

Gatorade will discontinue it’s Tiger Woods drink – Focus - but says it made the decision before this whole scandal. Also totally unrelated to the Tiger Woods scandal: They're changing their "What's G?" ad campaign to "Who's G and What's She Doing in your Phone?" - but it's TOTALLY unrelated.

This is kind of strange--a restaurant owner in Pennsylvania saved all of President Obama's leftovers from his recent visit. Obama's leftovers have become such an attraction, the Salehi's have already snuck into the restaurant to try to see them.

Hey, congratulations to supermodel Gisele Bundchen—she and husband Tom Brady had a baby boy! Tom said he can't wait to start teaching his son how to throw a football... meanwhile the kid's thinking, "Screw football? When do I start breast feeding?"

This was unbelievable--a man in Long Island was rescued from a cesspool after he was stuck in it for over four hours yesterday. He said the worst part of being stuck in a cesspool for 4 hours was missing his appointment at the tanning salon.

12/8/09

2009-12-09T15:45:00.000-08:00

A bill to legalize gay marriage in New Jersey passed in the state Judiciary Committee yesterday - paving the way for a full Senate vote on Thursday. If the bill passes Thursday's vote, it means gays in New Jersey will have more wins this year than the Nets.

New York City is now testing three new extremely quiet buses in Brooklyn and Manhattan. According to the MTA, the secret to keeping the buses so quiet: Millions of of dollars from Tiger Woods.

Hillary Clinton said on CNN recently that she's thrilled about her daughter Chelsea’s engagement but planning a wedding is “daunting.” Yeah apparently a lot's changed since the last time Hillary had to shop for a wedding pant suit.

There’s a new college in Detroit that was established to teach students how to grow, use and profit from medicinal marijuana. It's a "joint" program.

Big TV news you guys, CBS just cancelled “As the World Turns” after 54 years. Fans are shocked... but not as much as the Mayans who didn't think the world would stop turning until 2012.

A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America yesterday. Palin said she saw the tomatoes coming at her out of the corner of her eye that wasn't winking.

12/7/09

2009-12-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Did you guys watch the premiere of “The Jersey Shore” on MTV? Italian groups are calling the show “offensive toward Italian Americans” - and now TMZ is reporting that Domino's Pizza has pulled all advertising from the series. Yeah because there’s nobody more concerned with traditional Italian values than the makers of the "Pasta Bread Bowl."

A man in Washington D.C. was arrested for trying to carry $4,000 worth of cocaine inside a cooked chicken onto an airplane. Customs agents knew something was up when even the dark meat was white.

According to a new report, Emma and Jacob were the most popular baby names in the country last year. And according to the same report the least popular parent names were Jon and Kate.

A new policy at Columbia University will allow male and female students to live together in co-ed dorm rooms. Female students are afraid the policy could lead to more sex… while male students are afraid the policy could lead to more conversations about their day.

Astronomers in Japan, Germany and the U.S. have discovered a new planet-like object, 50 light years from Earth - called GJ 758 B. Which is a waaaaaay better name for a planet than Uranus.

At the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony last night, President Obama said of honoree Bruce Springsteen, “I’m the President, but he’s the boss.” Apparently he stole the line from some old “Bush-Cheney” stationary he found lying around the White House.

This weekend on CNN, US General James L. Jones gave an update on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden saying, the army doesn’t know exactly where he is but their “best estimate is somewhere in North Waziristan.” -- Ok this is getting ridiculous, now they’re just making up countries!

Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played yesterday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. And the number is even higher if you count all the games he's played in those Wrangler Jeans commercials.

11/25/09

2009-11-27T22:30:00.000-08:00

Some new balloons in this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade include updates of some old favorites: There's Mickey Mouse dressed as a sailor, a more muscular-looking Spiderman, and Chaz Bono.

Last night the Obama's welcomed Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to the White House for their first State Dinner. Singh said the evening was much different than the last State Dinner he attended during the Bush administration... mostly because the President didn't refer to him as, "Indiana Jones."

This is crazy. A 13-year-old boy went missing for 11 days, and was found living in the New York City subway system. His parents can't believe it, they said they searched for him everywhere they could think of like... up in his room, down in the basement, in a weather balloon all over CNN...

This is crazy. A 13-year-old boy went missing for 11 days, and was found living in the New York City subway system. The boy said the only thing he remembers was going down into the subway to pee...

Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols who won his third National League MVP award yesterday. That's as many as ARod has... but Pujols did it without being on steroids... or Kate Hudson.

A man in Taiwan was robbed of more than $2 million in cash after he just withdrew it from the bank. That's why whenever I use an ATM in Taiwan - I never, ever select "Fast Cash."

Just days after announcing that she's ending her talk show after 25 years, sources at Harpo say that Oprah will not do her Favorite Things episode this year – which has aired every Thanksgiving week for the past 7 years. Women everywhere are calling the news the second sign of the "Oprah-calypse."

11/24/09

2009-11-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving over 46 million turkeys in America will be eaten which equates to about 690 million pounds of turkey meat... or as Kirstie Alley calls it: a "Jenny Craig cheat day."

Did you guys know the rumor that Turkey increases tryptophans and makes you tired is a myth? Drowsiness is actually caused by the carbo-heavy sides like potatoes and stuffing... or if you're in the Senate, reading the entire Healthcare Bill.

Here's another Thanksgiving turkey fact for you guys... did you know that white meat has fewer calories and less fat - than dark meat? Yeah, and according to Lou Dobbs the white meat also works harder.

Some new balloons this year in the Macy's Parade: There's an updated Spiderman, Ronald McDonald, the Pillsbury Dough Boy... and Macy's planned to fly a bunch of balloons shaped like the "New Moon Wolfpack" but they worried Sarah Palin would shoot them down.

On Thanksgiving Macy’s is the world’s second-largest consumer of helium. The number one largest helium consumer: Balloon Boy's parents.

This Thanksgiving it's expected that 2.9 million people will travel by car, trains, and buses. It's also predicted that all of those people will arrive before any Northwest passengers do.

President Obama had his first Thanksgiving at the White House yesterday - a Pot Luck dinner hosted by Michelle. Hillary Clinton brought the cranberry sauce, Joe Biden brought the sweet potato casserole, and Tim Geithner brought some M&M's he found in the seat cushions of one of his "Clunkers."

Did you guys see J.Lo's performance at the AMA's this weekend? During her dance routine, she jumped off a platform, slipped and landed on her butt. Don't worry, she's ok... but the stage suffered a concussion.

Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs said in a new interview that he is considering running for President in 2012. If he runs political strategists believe he could be the first candidate to receive 100% of the "Unpopular" vote.

Dobbs said on day one as President, the first thing he'd do is make the White House... even whiter.

Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, said in an interview with NBC this morning that Oprah doesn’t watch TV. Apparently that's Stedmon's job.

There are upwards of 100 balloon handlers per giant balloon in the Macys Parade. Yeah 30 to fly each balloon and the other 70 to call cnn and report a hoax.

President Obama said today that he has made a decision on how many more combat troops soldiers he will send to Afghanistan and will make the announcement... after Thanksgiving. Apparently he's waiting until the precise moment when the Republicans' food coma sets in.

11/23/09

2009-11-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

What an opening weekend for "New Moon"! It came in Number 1 at the weekend box office with $140 million and pulled in almost $260 million worldwide. The movie is such a financial success the Democrats are thinking about changing their name to "Team Edward."

This is crazy. Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania are trying to develop LED tattoos that can turn your skin into a screen. Can you imagine that, now you could watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... ON the Real Housewives of New Jersey?!

Michael Jackson’s famous white moonwalk glove sold for $350,000 in an auction on Saturday to a man in Hong Kong. Ironically the winning bidder's name was, "Billy Jin."

A couple in England named their new daughter Kia – after she was delivered in the back seat of their Kia. And for her middle name, the couple chose "Steve" - after the mechanic who towed them to the hospital.

Two people sustained minor injuries when several bulls in Spain escaped from the set of a movie starring Tom Cruise. The bulls almost mauled Cruise but luckily he was able to jump on a couch.

Lincoln University in Philadelphia is facing criticism for requiring its overweight students to take a fitness class in order to receive their degrees. The students are planning to protest... though probably not with a hunger strike.

11/20/09

2009-11-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

“New Moon” has officially been in theaters for 24 hours now! Just a huge first day for the film: Not only did it beat Batman and Harry Potter’s midnight release box office records with $24 million -- but "Team Edward" beat the Knicks 116-82.

Oprah said goodbye on her show today, announcing that she’s walking away after 25 years on the air. It was an emotional moment… she broke down in tears, then the audience broke down in tears… then she told everyone, “you get a tissue, and you get a tissue, everybody get’s a tissue!”

Her last episode will air on September 9, 2011... Or as the Mayan Calender called it, "The Oprah-calypse".

But she did give her audience something to look forward to. She said, “In season 25, we will knock your socks off.” You know what that means, guys… in season 25 Oprah’s giving away new socks!

In Swine Flu news: The "Organization of Seasonal Santas" - a labor union for mall Santa Clauses - is recommending the Santas not wear the traditional white cotton gloves anymore because cotton tends to absorb germs. You know what else absorbs germs? Long, unkempt bears!

The Union wants the elves to help screen kids "out of the line" who seem sick. Meanwhile mall officials would like the kids to screen out any elves who seem drunk.

11/17/08

2009-11-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

President Obama reportedly had 71 cars in his motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport to the city. One was his limo, the other 70 were Clunkers.

Sarah Palin’s memoir “Going Rogue” came out today! You can find it on bookshelves next to Levi Johnston's new memoir, "Going Commando."

Thousands of fans camped out to see the stars of “Twilight” walk the red carpet for the premiere of the sequel, “New Moon,” last night. It got so crazy the department of homeland security had to issue a "Nerd Alert."

Doctors in Britain created a new drug described as the “female Viagra” that can boost sexual desire in women. It's called, "Vag-agra" Just like Viagra, it's a little blue pill... but it tastes like chocolate and you take it with a glass of Zinfnadel.

Just like Viagra, it's a little blue pill... but you have to crush it and slip in her drink when she's not looking.

Chaz Bono was on ABC's "Good Morning America" this morning and said: "Gender is between your ears, not between your legs". The segment was brought to you by "Ew Tips"

Online ticket seller Movietickets and Fandango announced today that "New Moon" has the record for most advance ticket sales in Hollywood history. And it's such a hot ticket if you call Moviefone, you'll hear this message, "Thank you for calling Moviefone! For New Moon tickets Press 1!, 2!, 3!, 4!, 5!..."

Today is the 146th anniversary of the The Gettysburg Address by Abraham Lincoln. It's one of the most famous speeches in history... right up there with King's, "I Have a Dream" speech and Sarah Palin's "I Quit" speech.

It's one of the most famous speeches in history... right up there with, Sarah Palin's "I Can See Russia from My Address."

11/16/09

2009-11-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

During his first official visit to China, President Obama will discuss trade policy, Iran’s nuclear program and human rights with Chinese officials. It's being billed as the first ever, "Chinese Dim-Sum-mit."

President Obama was in Shanghai yesterday, and Beijing today - on his first official visit to China. Meanwhile Joe Biden's doing his part for Chinese Diplomacy too: Yesterday he hit Panda Express - and today he hit PF Chang's.

A cooking student in Colombia created a new “love dessert” made with passion fruit and Viagra. It's the only dessert where you get a "Bon(e) Appetit" after the meal.

In an effort to combat the swine flu, Disney World has installed more than 60 bulk hand sanitizer dispensers. The park also banned Donald Duck from saying any words that start with an, "s."

In an interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow, Sarah Palin says she had no idea her daughter Bristol was sexually active. Apparently she was so unprepared for the conversation - Palin compared it to talking politics with Katie Couric.

11/13/09

2009-11-14T10:49:00.000-08:00

“2012” came out today! It's a movie about the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calendar. Funny, my calendar only predicts 12 straight months of bikini car washes in 2012.

“2012” came out today! The title refers to the year the Mayans predicted the world would end... or as Democrats call it, the year Sarah Palin takes over.

During an interview with “Oprah” – set to air on Monday – Sarah Palin says that Levi Johnston is “part of the family." And according to Playgirl, it's a pretty average-sized part.

A 10-year-old boy in Arkansas refuses to say the pledge of allegiance in school because the U.S. discriminates against gay people. While the rest of his classmates pledge, he quietly recites the theme song to "GLEE."

Scientists in Japan are one step closer to producing a “three parent baby” after they successfully fertilized an egg with two biological mothers. It's the biggest scientific breakthrough in parenting since, "3 Men and a Baby."

This is crazy. Police in Staten Island are searching for two men dressed as Super Mario and Luigi who robbed a cab driver at a gas station. Apparently the floating bricks they usually headbutt for cash were all out of gold coins.

Big news. Costco opened its first store in Manhattan this week! It's great, I bought a can of tuna that's bigger than my apartment!

11/12/09 - Possible Joke on Fallon

2009-11-13T06:39:00.000-08:00

***Lou Dobbs announced last night that he's leaving CNN to pursue, "new opportunities." I think we can rule out Telemundo.***

Lou Dobbs announced last night that he's leaving CNN, effective immediately. Dobbs said after 30 years on TV he was beginning to hit a wall - like the one he built around his studio to keep Mexicans out.

Lou Dobbs announced his resignation from CNN last night after almost 30 years with the network. He said he'll miss the faces in the news room the most... Except the foreign correspondents.

...Dobbs said what he'll miss most everyday are the faces in the newsroom... except for Pablo the lighting guy.

64-year-old Lou Dobbs was the last "original anchor" at CNN from its beginning – he started as the network’s chief economic correspondent… and he ended as the guy in office no one wants to get stuck talking to at the Christmas party.

First Lady Michelle Obama will host a health care event tomorrow at the White House tomorrow focused on older women. It's called the "Medicare In Life Forum" - Or M.I.L.F.

Steven Tyler made a surprise appearance at Joe Perry’s concert in New York this week and announced that he is not leaving Aerosmith. Ok, first he's leaving the band, then he's not leaving the band... you know who he's starting to look like? "Dun-uh, Dun-uh... Dude looks like a Brett Favre... Dun-uh, Dun-uh... Dude looks like Brett Favre!" (Singing)

The asking price for Bernie Madoff’s penthouse on the Upper East Side has dropped by a million dollars. Meanwhile in prison, the price of his lower back side went up by a pack of cigarettes.

A prisoner in Georgia was recaptured by police after he escaped using a flip-flip to unlock his cell door. And you wanna know the craziest part of the story? I had no idea Jimmy Buffet was even in prison.

That Connecticut woman mauled by a chimpanzee back in February revealed her face on “Oprah” yesterday for the first time. It was not a pretty sight but everyone at the show was very supportive... except at one point when the woman asked Oprah if she could be on the cover of "O" magazine, and Oprah was like, "yeeeah, suuuuure... just email me."

The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree arrived today! It’s a 76-foot Norway spruce and was donated by a fifth-grade teacher from Connecticut. She said she wanted to get rid of it because she was tired of all the vampires in her class hanging out in it.

The teacher described Rockefeller Center as a "magical place" where "it doesn't matter what kind of problems you're having." NBC was like, "have u seen our ratings, lady? Yeah real magical!"

11/11/09

2009-11-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

There’s a new tribute song to astronomer Carl Sagan featuring lyrics spoken by physicist Stephen Hawking. The song is good... but Hawking's auto-tune is so played out.

Starting this week, Google is offering free WiFi at 47 airports in the U.S. for the rest of this year. The airline industry hopes the offer will encourage Northwest Pilots to check their email BEFORE they have to land the plane.

Google is now offering free Wireless Internet service at 47 airports across the U.S. for the rest of the year. It's great for Northwest passengers... next time they see the plane they're supposed to be on whiz right past the airport, they can email the pilots directly.

Huge vampire news: “Twilight” and “True Blood” were the top nominees announced yesterday for the People’s Choice Awards – “Twilight” got 6 and “True Blood” got 3. When Count Chocula heard this he was like, "Hellllo?"

In a new interview “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson said that his “personal hygiene is disgusting” and he rarely changes his clothes. Ok, you know what dude, you can either be the sexiest vampire or the sexiest homeless dude, but you can't be both!

A drunk United Airlines pilot was arrested on Monday as he prepared to fly 124 passengers from London to Chicago. Authorites said his breath smelled like the inside of a miniature bottle of vodka.

Disgraced ex New York Governor Eliot Spitzer - who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes - will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Center for Ethics at Harvard University. That's like having Michael Vick judge the Westminster Dog Show.

A unopened bottle of Lowenbrau beer that survived the explosion and crash of the Hindenburg will be auctioned off this weekend. It's all part of the Antiques Roadshow, "World's Most Skunky Beer" auction series.

11/10/09

2009-11-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

It's being reported that President Obama is expected to send about 40,000 more troops into combat as part of his new strategy in Afghanistan. And if that doesn't work, he'll send in Mariano Rivera.

Happy 40th Anniversary to Sesame Street! On this day 40 years ago, the first of over 4000 episodes debuted. Not much has changed in 40 years... Big Bird and Oscar the grouch are still played by the same guy, Cookie Monster still loves cookies, and Burt and Ernie are still... you know, "roommates."

Yesterday at the Berlin Wall ceremonies, Hillary Clinton and the German Chancellor were wearing almost identical outfits - Both wore blue jackets, black pants, black shoes – and even wore their hair the same way. When Bill saw this he said, "put the wall back up."

Chrysler is no longer engineering electric cars – even though they were given billions of dollars in federal bailout money to engineer electric cars. Chrysler execs said they'd rather stick with what works: More LeBarons.

Tiffani Thiessen – who played Kelly Kapowski on “Saved By the Bell” – is expecting her first child in May. Then later in the month, Zack and Slater will appear on Maury Povich to determine who the father is.

A junior hockey team in Idaho was banished from a skating rink after team members were caught playing “strip hockey.” The players said they were just trying to find out who on the team has the biggest "Zamboni."

Bill Clinton spoke with Democrats in the Senate today, trying to win support for health care reform. In addition to addressing the entire Democratic caucus, Clinton also set up private meetings with all 13 female Democratic Senators.

What is going on with Women's soccer? First during the New Mexico - BYU playoff game last week,New Mexico's Elizabeth Lambert pulled a member of BYU's team down to the ground by her pony tail -then this weekend a fight broke out at a Rhode Island Girls Soccer game that was so heated it triggered another fight in the stands. Something's gotta be done about all this violence - my suggestion: all the girls kiss and make up.

“Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2” came out today – and is expected to make $500 million in its first week - or roughly how much one day of actual warfare costs.

Modern Warfare 2 is rated "M" - for Mature due to Blood, Drug References, Intense Violence, and Language. It's not be confused with the film rating "Mature" - given to movies with excessive amounts of naked old people.

The woman who wrote all the “Twilight” books, Stephanie Meyer, will do a rare interview on Oprah this Friday. Instead of Oprah's couch, the interview will take place in a tree.

Congratulations to 21-year-old Joe Cada who became the youngest player to win the World Series of Poker - taking home $8.55 million. He loves to gamble so much he already spent all of his winnings on Black Jack Tacos.

11/9/09

2009-11-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

In a victory for President Obama, the House passed a health care bill on Saturday night in a 220-215 vote. When the news reached the White House, there were hugs and high-fives all around... and President Obama shared one of those awkward hand shake - fist pounds with Joe Biden.

The health care bill passed on Saturday will provide insurance for 96% of Americans. That leaves just 4% without coverage - which ironically is the same amount of Americans who've received the Swine Flu vaccine so far.

This weekend in Vegas, the World Series of Poker was narrowed down to its final two competitors after four months of play and over 6000 players. Meanwhile in other gambling news: This weekend thousands of Taco Bell customers tried the Black Jack Taco.

Did you guys hear this? Over the weekend Steven Tyler reportedly quit, "Aerosmith." He said he wants to work on some solo material... but others think he's going, "crazy, crazy, baby he's goin' crazy!" (singing)

After 40 years, Steven Tyler is leaving Areosmith. He said he wants to spend more quality time with his elevator.

The other members of the band were like, "he'll be back" and then Tyler was like, "Dream on! Dream on! - DREAM ON! DREAM ON!"

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, said in an interview with the New York Post that “God is taking her entire career away from her." To clarify he was talking about Lindsay's drug dealer, Jesus. (pronounced: "Hay-zus")

A 68-year-old woman in South Korea finally passed her driving test on her 950th try last week. See that kids, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try... to remember to turn off your blinker.

The NY Giants have now lost four straight games - after winning their first five games of the season. It's gotten so bad Eli Manning just signed an endorsement deal with the Mets.

A guy in Oregon was arrested after he called 911 to report that his marijuana was stolen. Here's how the 911 call went: "911, what's your emergency?" - "Please help me, someone stole all my weed!" - "Ok, sir calm down, where's the last place you saw the marijuana?" - "In my bong... oh my god you guys are good!" -- "Please hold for the police."

Doctors in Britain are now using Botox injections to tighten sagging breasts. It’s great news for ladies who want their breasts to look like Gary Busey.

11/6/09

2009-11-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

Today was the Yankees championship ticker tape parade right here in New York City. In order to attend the festivities, thousands of New Yorkers took the day off... which is really more of a way to honor the Mets.

After the Yankees won the World Series Wednesday night, manager Joe Girardi helped a woman on his way home who had just gotten in a car crash. Girardi removed the woman from the car... and replaced her with Mariano Rivera.

... When Girardi removed the woman from her car, she kicked the dirt, handed him her keys, and sulked all the way back to the ambulance.

The Food Network will tape an episode of “Iron Chef America” at the White House, featuring Emeril Lagasse. Secret Service has already been warned not to tackle him every time he yells, "Bam!"

A man in Washington claims that United Airlines would not let him sit in first-class because he was wearing a tracksuit on the plane. But once officials realized it was Tony Soprano they let him sit in the cockpit with the pilot.

A woman in Minnesota will broadcast the birth of her first child on the Internet. You can watch the birth at "ICanSeeTheFacebook.com"

In an awkward moment, during the ceremony- Yankee fans started chanting "28! 28!" - and then hundreds of chinese food delivery guys showed up like, "Number 28 - Moo Shoo Chicken! - who ordered 28?"

Many are wondering who cleans up the all the left over ticker tape on the ground after the parade... Well, I did some research and found the answer: The Mets.

A new report found that there are 237 millionaires in Congress. Which automatically makes Congress the favorites to challenge the Yankees next year.

11/5/09

2009-11-05T22:25:00.000-08:00

The Yankees Championship parade is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11 am, right down Broadway... Yankees fans can't wait to see their first parade since 2000... and Broadway fans are just excited to see 25 men riding in the back of a flatbed truck.

Police in Florida are searching for thieves who stole 90 bras from a Victoria’s Secret store. Police say in order to pull off the heist, the thieves must've needed a lot of support.

... Authorities believe the investigation could take years... or at least until the thieves figure out how to unhook all of the bras.

A new study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that married couples become happier when they have kids. Meanwhile single people become happier when they have a bowl of cereal for dinner.

7-Eleven will soon begin selling two low-priced wines... They'll be available in half bottle, full bottle and Big Gulp.

... One's a "Slur-Pinot Noir" and the other's a "Slur-Pinot Grigio".

... Customers can pair each wine with various cured meats preserved for months on a bed lukewarm, metal coils.

In a new interview with British GQ, Nicole Kidman says that she has “explored strange sexual fetish stuff” in the past - Which is just a nice way of saying she had sex with Tom Cruise.

Although the Yankees have now won 27 World Titles - this is only their 9th ticker tape parade. But it's the first where the ticker tape will be made entirely from shredded hundred dollar bills.

Jeremy Piven said in a recent interview he drank so much soy milk that he grew “man boobs.” In fact his boobs got so big Piven was cast as an extra in Entourage.

11/4/09

2009-11-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

Sesame Street turns 40 this month! Apparently Oscar the Grouch is so depressed about getting old he's already traded in his garbage can for a Ferrari.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland – to be completed in about 6 years. The main attraction: "General Tso's Wild Ride."

Happy, happy 40th birthday to Matthew McConaughey! When asked how it feels to turn the big 4-0, he said, "NOT Alright, alright, alright."

The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!" Ugh, all this "who's your daddy" stuff has been going on between Pedro and Yankees since 2004 - can't they just go on Maury Povich and settle it already?

The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!" - And to add more fuel to the fire Page Six is reporting that Pedro's daddy might actually be Jon Gosselin.

... John Edwards.

... Mel Gibson.

The Irish accent has been voted the sexiest in the world. The least sexy: Your boyfriend's Austin Powers impression.

The least sexy: Your boyfriend's Borat impression.

A doctor in New York created a new iPhone app that lets people see what they would look like if they got plastic surgery. It's great, after you use the app 100 times, you look exactly like Joan Rivers.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland – to be completed in about 6 years. The main attraction: "General Tso's Wild Ride."

11/2/09

2009-11-02T21:43:00.000-08:00

Kosovo unveiled a statue of Bill Clinton yesterday to thank him for his humanitarian service to Serbia while he was president. Just like Clinton, the statue is always erect.

Daylight Savings started yesterday – we all got an extra hour of sleep... And then we all lost it by staying up to watch the World Series.

Did you guys hear this? Us Weekly is reporting that Alex Rodriguez has a portrait of himself as a centaur hanging over his bed. From the waist up it's ARod, and from the waist down it's a horse's ass.

“Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” won the weekend box office – with $21.3 million. Despite the title, there's already talk of a sequel... Mostly by plastic surgeons who used to hear, "This Is It" from Jackson all the time.

Sony is extending the original two-week run of “Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” after it made $101 million worldwide in its first five days. So apparently this ISN'T it.

Over the weekend, Abdullah Abdullah quit next week’s runoff election against President Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan. Many are questioning the move since polls showed he was leading Karzai by an Abdullah.

An Italian restaurant in New Hampshire set a new world record by making a 222.5-pound meatball. Or as KFed calls it, "an hors d' oeuvre ."

Happy, happy birthday to Nelly who turned 35 years old yesterday. He actually ruined his own surprise party... he showed up so early, no one was ready when he got "Th'errr."

Last night Jon Gosselin and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach held a public dialogue at a New York Jewish Center where John publicly apologized to Kate. It’s being billed as the “Schmear Summit”

This is interesting - Ford - the only major American auto manufacturer who didn't accept Federal bailout money - turned a one billion dollar profit over the last three months. Ford executives celebrated by taking a couple "Escorts" for a ride.

Harvard University will offer a sociology class based on the HBO show: “The Wire.” The syllabus requires students to purchase all five seasons of the show and a bag of crack from Omar.

It's a much better idea than last semester when they offered an acting class based on, "Entourage."

The class is extremely popular with male students but not so much with female students. They prefer the anotmy class based on, "Hung."

10/29/09

2009-10-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

Jon Gosselin will star in a new reality show where he will date Octomom Nadya Suleman. It'll be called, "Say Yes to the Mess."

Sarah Palin now owns a marketing business involved with “Services for the Elderly." Among the services she provides: Ruining their Presidential campaigns.

The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley. Which is a change from the Bush administration - if you were one of their top donors, Dick Cheney would let you shoot a guy in the face.

John Legend performed the national anthem at Game 2 of the World Series tonight. Then during the 7th inning stretch that "sex for tickets" lady from Philly performed a striptease to, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

The Philadelphia Inquirer is reporting that a local radio station has offered that "sex for tickets" lady tickets to game 3, Saturday in Philly. If she attends, instead of everyone in the stands doing "the wave", everyone gets "the clap."

Did you hear this? The lawyer for that sex for tickets lady in Philly is blaming the whole thing on his client having, "Phillies Fever." So guys, if you sleep with her, remember to always wear a Phillies hat.

Nancy Pelosi officially unveiled the House health care reform bill today – which includes a public option and would cover 36 million uninsured Americans. To celebrate millions of uninsured Americans went out and got hit by a bus.

The new health care reform bill is 1,990 pages long. And as a special favor to opthometrists anyone who reads every page will end up needing glasses.

President Obama’s former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary’s chances of becoming Vice President. Apparently it was Bill's way of getting back at Hillary for ruining his chances with hundreds of interns.

10/28/09 Definite Joke on Fallon

2009-10-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

***It’s been raining all day here in New York City… The visibility is so bad at LaGuardia, Northwest pilots can't even see their laptops.***

Tennis legend Andre Agassi reveals in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth on a regular basis in the late '90s. The tennis world is in total disbelief... when asked to comment, John McEnroe was like, "You cannot be serious!!!"

Everyone has World Series fever. In fact, a 43-year-old woman from Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Steve Phillips already named her his MVP of the series.

... She would've had better luck looking for tickets on "SlutHub"

“The Discovery Channel” is planning to turn its series, “Man vs. Wild” into a video game for the Nintendo Wii... Just like host, Bear Grylls does in the show, players will have to drink their own Wii.

Earlier this week, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breasts at an awards show – by wearing a low-cut red dress. It's funny, when she arrived you could totally see her bust line... but by the end of the evening, all the lines were totally gone.

A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers... unless you're Nancy Pelosi's daughter - then it just stays frozen the way it is.

A new study found that children under 5 watch more than 32 hours of television a week. If any of the toddlers are watching the show right now, let me just say, "no, no, no, put that down, put that down... stop it, no, take that remote out of your mouth, out of your mouth!... NO! NO!"

10/27/09 - Possible Joke on Fallon

2009-10-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

***Mark McGwire will come out of retirement to be the hitting coach for his old team, the St. Louis Cardinals, in 2010. The move is just the "shot in the arm" the Cardinals need.***

Iceland is shutting down 3 McDonalds restaurants in Reyjavik because of the country's economic collapse - which means next time you want a burger and fries in Iceland you have to go to "Fjordruckers"

Two Northwest Airlines pilots admitted they were using their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by 150 miles. Luckily the only thing that crashed was Windows.

Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he will most likely run for president in 2012 after he and his wife “assess the field of candidates.” Ewwww I don't want to think about Newt Gingrich and his wife "assessing candidates!"

Jon Gosselin said that he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with his wife Kate. But if I were her, I wouldn't touch that money for a while, who knows where its been?...

A new study found that kids’ cereals have 85% more sugar and 65% less fiber than adult cereals. When asked to comment Tony the Tiger was like, "true but adult cereals are, "GRRRRRRR-oss!"

The World Series starts tomorrow – the Yankees play the Phillies right here at the new Yankee Stadium - and the big news today is that Pedro will start game 2 for the Phils. Wow, Pedro back on the mound vs. the Yanks... Which explains why Don Zimmer's been juicin'.

CNN dropped to last place in the cable news ratings this month. As a result they're shaking up their lineup by replacing Wolf Blitzer with Jay Leno.

Luckily the network has a strategy in place for just such an occasion: "In case of emergency, more Gupta!"

You know those two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their landing by 150 miles? They said yesterday that they were "not sleeping" but got distracted because they were on their laptop computers. Apparently they were trying to figure out the new Facebook.

So next time you're playing World of Warcraft and you see the screenames Pilot225 and CaptainNorthwest, it's probably a good idea NOT to play with them.

Facebook just announced that they will leave your Facebook page up - even if you die. Which is great news for all those sickos out there who like to superpoke dead people.

10/26/09

2009-10-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Halloween is coming up this weekend! I love this time of year... trick or treating, haunted houses, everyone dresses up in crazy costumes... or as Lady Gaga calls it, "business casual."

Large cracks have appeared in the cement ramps at the new Yankees' Stadium but engineers have called them safe. Meanwhile all the Yankees fans were like, "No way! What are you blind?! How can you call them safe?!"

Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. Doctors say he's extremely lucky... not because he could've died, but because he's Brad friggin' Pitt!

A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. As for all the other passengers, next time they'll drive.

Congratulations to Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, who got married yesterday. During the ceremony attendees were told, "if anyone disapproves of the marriage let them speak now or forever hold their piece..." Then the rabbi added, "or wear it on your head... whichever."

Happy happy 63rd birthday to Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. To celebrate he went shopping in his living room... for $82 he took the lamp... for $150 he took the bookshelf, for $400 he took the recliner...

A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. The reviews will use the thumb system: 2 thumbs up for good weed and for really good weed: "whooooaaaa, check it out, I have five thumbs up."

10/16/09

2009-10-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

“Miracle on the Hudson” pilot Chesley Sullenberger released his
autobiography this week called “Highest Duty: My Search for What
Really Matters.” Readers can find it in the not-fiction section... and
geese can find it in the horror section.

Meghan McCain is threatening to “pull a Miley” and delete her Twitter
account after she was harassed for posting a racy picture of herself.
She's also threatening to "pull a Billy Ray" and delete the sides of
her hair.

Pamela Anderson will star in a pantomime production of “Aladdin” in
London this Christmas. She'll play the Geanie... and the lamp will be
played by a bottle of Valtrex.

Beginning in July, telecommunication companies in Finland will be
required to provide all 5.2 million citizens with an Internet
connection. Meanwhile, most Americans can't even get access to WebMD.

A woman in Australia divorced her husband after he asked her to choose
between him and her pet crocodile. What a "croc-sucker."

TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract after he appeared on
rival networks’ programs instead of on “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” This guy
is a piece of work, not only did he cheat on Kate, he also cheated on
TLC.

In Ohio, a woman was arrested for starting a riot in a store when she
announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchase
- but then drove off without paying. apparently it was all a huge
misunderstanding... The woman tried to pay but the store doesn't
accept giant checks.

... Apparently she was pledging a fraternity.

Did anyone see the “balloon boy” – Falcon Heene – on TV this morning?
He threw up two times – once on the “Today” show and once on “Good
Morning America.” You know, if I wanted to wake up to someone barfing
all over my TV in the morning... I'd go back to college.

10/15/09 - ANOTHER POSSIBLE JOKE ON FALLON

2009-10-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

***President Obama wants to send a 250 dollar check to over 57 million American seniors. When asked what the moneys for Obama said, "Depends."***

(How it aired) ... "when asked what they'll spend it on, several seniors said, "Depends."

Evander Holyfield and the man who bit off his right ear during a boxing match, Mike Tyson, will appear together on Oprah tomorrow. Its being billed as the "Ear Summit"

10/14/09

2009-10-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

Car sales have dropped 1.5% since the halt of the Cash for Clunkers
program. The numbers are not only proof of the program's success but
they lead many in the auto industry to believe that President Obama
could win the Nobel Prize for selling cars.

Researchers in London have proven that William Shakespeare co-wrote at
least one play, “The Reign of King Edward III,” with the help of
playwright Thomas Kyd - or as your English teacher will try to refer
to him, "he's like the Timbaland of the 17th Century."

A bank in Holland is selling a mood bracelet that keeps investors from
being greedy by alerting traders when they are getting overly
emotional. Also on sale at the bank, mood brownies.

Researchers in Italy discovered a new Leonardo da Vinci painting after
analyzing a smudged fingerprint. But upon further review - turns out
it was actually painted by Paul Anka.

The Pentagon acknowledged that it is working on a 15-ton bomb,
designed to destroy hidden weapons bunkers like the ones found in Iran
and North Korea. But that's all they'll say right now about "Operation
K-Fed."

More than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding
ceremony today - which was followed by a mass wedding reception where
everyone had to sit thru 40,000 drunk Best Man speeches.

Because they run so quietly - new Hybrid and electric cars are adding "artificial engine noises" - so pedestrians can hear them approaching. The most requested "car tone" thus far: "aaahhhh-ooooo-gah!"

10/13/09 - 4th Night in 6 Days w/ a joke on Fallon

2009-10-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

***Jon Gosselin says he is having so much fun with his Jewish girlfriend
Hailey Glassman that he is now consulting a rabbi and considering
converting to Judaism. He's so excited to be Jewish he's already be
seen wearing an Ed Hardy yarmulke.***

The oldest cab driver in New York, Jack "the Hack" Dym is retiring at
age 82. He said he wants to spend more time with that a-hole who just
cut him off.

Did you guys see MIke Tyson on Oprah yesterday? The interview was very
emotional, Tyson at one point broke down in tears and said, "I'm tired
of failing." Then Rush Limbaugh stood up and applauded.

... In true Oprah fashion every member of the studio audience went
home with a face tattoo.

Happy, happy 29th birthday to singer Ashanti. At her party, when the
cake was served, she made a wish, then Ja Rule blew out the candles.

Researchers at the University of Utah created a new device that can
see through walls using radio receivers. Utah residents tested the
device and said it's perfect for spying on your neighbors or your
spouse... or your other spouse.

10/12/09

2009-10-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Columbus Day! It's the celebration of Christopher Columbus's discovery of America - although Glen Beck denies it every happened.

Pope Benedict canonized five new saints yesterday – including Hawaii’s first saint, Father Damien De Veuster. He celebrated by NOT getting laid.

The movie “Couples Retreat” came in Number 1 at the box office this weekend with $35.3 million. The movie takes place in a remote office in the Ed Sullivan Theatre.

A 7-year-old boy in Britain brought his 1-ton bull to “bring your pet to school” day. Or as we call it here in the states, "Show and Smell."

Over the weekend, Courtney Love closed her official Twitter account. Apparently it was infected with a virus.

This was in yesterday’s New York Times – apparently people in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to President Obama’s speeches - which explains why I had this conversation last night while ordering dinner: "Can you make my California Roll without avocado?" - "Yes... we can!"

Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, an openly gay member ofCongress, said that the "National Equality March" in Washington
yesterday was "a waste of time." Harsh. Sounds like someone washoping for another Million Man March.

Rob Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's "Celebrity
Apprentice" this fall. Not making an appearance on the show: Both oftheir foreheads.

This is interesting - NBC News reported that a White House advisersaid that bloggers who are critical of the Obama administration - "need to take off their pajamas". This doesn't apply to Rush Limbaughdoes it? 'Cause that would just be gross.

The New York Yankees swept the Minnesota Twins last night to advance to the American League Championship Series against the Anaheim Angels. Meanwhile a janitor swept the New York Mets locker room.

The T-Mobile admitted Saturday that a massive server meltdown recentlyhas probably permantely deleted many users' personal e-mails, contacts, and calandars - probably forever. In a last ditch effort totry to find them, NASA bombed the T-Mobile headquarters

10/8/09 - 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW W/ A JOKE ON FALLON

2009-10-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

***A new poll found that “Whatever” is the most annoying word used in conversation. The next four words on the list were, "Jon," "Kate," "Plus," and "Eight." ***

You hear about this? No more "Phone-a-Friend" on "Who Wants to be a Millioniare." Yeah now contestants are left with only three lifelines: ‘Ask the Audience,’ ‘Ask the Expert’ or... "Extort Letterman."

Kevin Federline’s former landlord is demanding that he repay more than $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages on the home he leased in California. Apparently when KFed moved out, he never paid to have the side of his house put back on.

Jon Gosselin claims that Kate is trying to prevent him from seeing his twins, Mady and Cara, today on their 9th birthday. Apparently Kate asked the twins if they wanted to see their father and they said, "not until he gives back the money he stole from our piggy banks."

Today is the 138th anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire. Unfortunately Chicago lost the commemoration ceremony to Rio.

Guy Ritchie says in a new interview with Esquire magazine that he still loves his ex-wife Madonna “but she’s retarded, too.” It sounds terrible until you realize that "retarded" is just British slang for "way too muscular."

The U.S. deficit set a new record this fiscal year - it's 1.4 TRILLION dollars - The largest in American History. Just to give you an indication how heavy into debt we are... economists are calling it the KFed of deficits.

Well, NASA is T-minus one day from launching a Centaur rocket into a crater on the moon tomorrow morning - to see if there's any water there. If successful Obama plans to ask NASA to launch a follow up rocket to the moon to see if there's any money.

If NASA does find water on the moon, this is what we could hear: "That's one small step for man... one giant CANNONBALL! for mankind."

10/7/09 - MORE (Possible) JOKES ON FALLON!!!

2009-10-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

***Today marks the 8th anniversary of the start of the war in
Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne-boarding himself.***

***Congratulations to Brett Favre, who – on Monday night – became the
first quarterback in history to beat all 32 NFL teams. The next record
on his list, first QB to retire from all 32 NFL teams.***

Happy 33rd Birthday to former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Wow,
33, he doesn't look a day over 60.

Scientists believe the Komodo dragon – the world’s largest lizard –
originated from Australia. Apparently the species started leaving when
Dingos kept eating their babies.

Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually
buy entire countries and our very own Mayor Michael Bloomberg could
buy Zambia for $17.5 billion. Bloomberg said that's ridiculous - if he
was going to spend that much money, he'd rather just buy Yankee
playoff tickets.

Heidi Klum filed paperwork to legally take her husband Seal’s last
name. So for now on Heidi Klum will be known as... Heidi.

NASA announced that it will crash a rocket into the moon this Friday
morning - hoping to see if there's any water. To ensure a crash, NASA
hired Paris Hilton to parallel park the rocket on the moon.

The energy of the collision is roughly equivalent to two tons of TNT -
or one KFed.

Elizabeth Taylor asked her followers on Twitter yesterday to pray for
her when she undergoes heart surgery later this week. I retweetwed her
message to @God. So she should be fine.

After losing to the Twins last night - the Detroit Tigers became the
first team in baseball history to blow a three-game lead in the
standings - with just four games remaining. The Mets were like, "Psst
big deal, like we couldn't do that?"

The swine flu vaccine is here! The first batches just arrived in New
York yesterday. Unfortunately they're still taxying on the runway at
LaGuardia.

10/6/09 - LATEST JOKE ON FALLON

2009-10-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

***Catholic churches throughout New York are no longer offering wine at communion to prevent the spread of swine flu. In addition, communion wafer is now available in a nasal spray.***

... In addition, no more confession booths, now if you need to confess your sins, you have to do it into your elbow.

Comedian and host of "The Price is Right" Drew Carey offered $100,000to a Twitter user in exchange for the name “@Drew.” UnfortunatelyCarey was outbid for the name by someone who offered $100,001.

Norway topped the U.N.’s annual quality-of-life list this year –followed by Australia, then Iceland. Last on the list: Quaddafi's tent.

New research has uncovered seven new species of glow-in-the-dark mushrooms in South America - which explains how Rio got the Olympics.

A woman in Alabama was arrested after she let her 13-year-old daughterride in a cardboard box on top of their van. The daughter said she got the idea from watching the movie, "Homeless Teen Wolf".

A Palestinian man paid $140 to name a street in the West Bank after his Twitter account – the first street in the world to be named aftera Twitter account. Here's the strange part, the street name is more than 140 characters long.

A man in Florida was arrested this weekend for robbing a bank just two days after he was released from a 2-year jail sentence. He said he had no choice, it was either that or try to extort Letterman.

President Obama told a group of 150 doctors at the White House yesterday that the country has heard all sides of the health care debate and the time to act is now. The doctors agreed... then asked Obama to have a seat in the Oval Office and fill out some paperwork.

Happy 54th birthday to former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy. His former players planned to throw him a surprise party but at the last second, Peyton Manning changed it to a pool party.

The Daily Beast ranked "America's smartest cities" - from 1- 55. Raleigh-Durham came in #1, New York came in #13, and in a surprise upset Chicago lost to Rio.

10/5/09

2009-10-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to President and Michelle Obama, who celebrated their
17th wedding anniversary on Saturday with dinner at the Blue Duck
Tavern in Washington, D.C. The President is so romantic, after dinner
he arranged for a special dessert to be delivered to their table...
unfortunately Rio got it.

Police in Colorado arrested a man for standing naked on highway 34 and
pounding on passing cars. He was charged with "cock-blocking traffic."

The Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam has started airing the only
known video ever taken of her on its YouTube site. The video shows a
young Anne Frank in the window of her house watching a cat play the
piano.

A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a
woman’s car during their first date. When the judge asked for an
explanation, the man admitted - he's just not that into his car.

A new insurance survey found that nearly half a million car accidents
each year are caused by female drivers applying make up - which
explains why Nancy Pelosi is switching to Geico.

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was "Zombieland" -
pulling in 25 million dollars. It's the best thing to happen to
zombies since Amy Winehouse and Blake got back together.

Kate Gosselin went on the Today Show this morning and said that Jon
withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account – leaving her only
$1,300. Jon Gosselin said he needed the money because the price of Ed
Hardy t shirts went up.

... Jon Gosselin said he had no choice, if he didn't withdraw the
money, he would've had to extort Letterman.

McDonald’s is opening a restaurant at the Louvre museum in Paris.
Supporters say the McDonald's won't have an affect on any of the
priceless art in the museum... except now instead of smiling, the Mona
Lisa will just look bloated.

New research found that children who eat a lot of candy tend to become
violent adults. They also tend to become fat adults.

... The study also concluded that the childrens' parents are real Dum Dums.

... Which means that kid in Willy Wonka with the Golden ticket... he's
probably in prison.

10/2/09

2009-10-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

Pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger navigated his first flight Thursday, nine months after his "Miracle on the Hudson" landing... Or as it's known among geese: 9/11.

Michael Moore's new documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story" comes out
this weekend. You can catch it playing on thousands of screens across
the country... or on Michael's Moore's back. Whichever...

The Halloween movie season kicks off this weekend with the release of
the new film, Zombieland - or as it's more commonly known: "Larry King
Live."

... or as it's more commonly known: "60 Minutes."

Archaeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the oldest human skeleton –
a 110-pound female who lived 4.4 million years ago. They classified
her in a new genus, "Nicol-ithecus-Richie-cus".

Happy 58th Birthday to rock n' roll legend, Sting! He said he never
imagined what a 58-year-old Sting would feel like... but now he
feels it every time he pees.

Happy 58th birthday to rock n' roll legend Sting! He celebrated by having 24 straight hours of birthday cake... Without blowing out the candles.

10/1/09

2009-10-01T23:01:00.001-07:00

President Obama's in Europe today. He made a stop in Geneva for the first one-on-one talks between the US and Iran since 1979. Then he traveled to Copenhagen where he met up with Michelle Obama and Oprah - for the first ever meeting of three black people in Copenhagen.

GM announced yesterday that it is shutting down its Saturn brand. With Saturns off the market it instantly gives the vehicles classic car status... like Datsuns.

The move makes way for GM's newer, cheaper brand of vehicles... Uranus.

9/30/09

2009-10-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today, President Obama announced $5 billion in government grants for scientists - calling it the “single largest boost to biomedical research in history.” - that is, besides Michael Jackson's autopsy.

Support for the "Obamacare" plan hit a new low this week - just 41%. Meanwhile, people are rallying around the Republican healthcare plan entitled: "We Don't Care"

Before going to Copenhagan to lobby for the city of Chicago to get the 2016 Olympic Games - President Obama will briefly stop off in Geneva to hold talks with Iranian officials about their unauthorized nuclear weapons program - which is nothing compared to Switzerland's unauthorized weapons program: the Swiss Army Knife.

CNN introduced an iPhone app yesterday that will give users a constant stream of updates for $1.99 a week. And for an additional $1.99, users can have hot, steamy conversation with Larry King.

Hugo Chavez and Moammar Qaddafi signed a document on Monday calling for a new global definition of terrorism. Chavez & Qaddafi are officially the new Merriam & Webster.

Spencer Pratt’s sister, Stephanie, wants to leave “The Hills” saying “it is very brutal” and that she can’t stand it anymore. Ugh I know, all the drama, the backstabbing... the lines she has to memorize... brutal.

Pharmacies here in New York will offer free swine flu shots to the unemployed. Which is great news for anyone who played for the Mets this season.

Happy 52nd birthday to Fran Drescher! She celebrated with family and friends... all trying NOT to make her laugh.

Happy 45th birthday to Trey Anastasio from Phish. His friends serenaded him with a 90-minute version of Happy Birthday.

Weather forecasters predict that the Northeastern United States will have its coldest winter in a decade because of a weak El Niño. Which means here in New York Donald Trump's gonna need a few extra layers of that thing on top of his head.

Yankee Stadium is expected to host a college football bowl game in 2010 – with teams from the Big East and Big 12 conferences. If you can't afford tickets to see your school play, don't worry, student loans will be available.

9/29/09

2009-10-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

Miners in South Africa discovered a 507-carat diamond this week – one of the 20 largest rough diamonds ever found. Kobe Bryant immediately bought it and gave it to his wife... just in case.

Russian chess master Garry Kasparov handily defeated Anatoli Karpov (9 to 3) in a rematch commemorating the 25th anniversary of their epic first duel in 1984. I'm sure we all remember what we were doing that day 25 years ago... Not watching chess.

The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. No word on how the change will affect the free toaster giveaways.

... Despite the possible change the World Bank will still keep all of its pens attached to chains.

Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and as of November 2, the TLC show will be called “Kate Plus 8.” Also the part of Kate will now be played by Kathy Lee Gifford.

It will follow TLC's other big hit "Kirstie plus 250"

President Obama will travel to Copenhagen on Thursday to make a pitch for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. He'll speak before the International Olympic Commitee and then appear on every TV show in Denmark.

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested after her 14-year-old son told police he was locked inside a bedroom closet for years. Now that he's out of the closet the boy plans to be your! Next! American! Idol!

Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst announced on Twitter yesterday that he and his wife, Esther, are splitting up after 2 months of marriage. Apparently he did it all for the Nookie.

Taliban insurgents threatened to bomb Oktoberfest in Munich if Germany does not leave Afghanistan. Yeah, that's a good idea, attack thousands of drunk German people.

I don't know what the Taliban is thinking... if they really want Germany to leave Afghanistan they just have to ask in a way Germans would understand like, "Ok Germany, closing time! You don't have to go home but you gotta get the hell out of heeeeeeee-aaaaaaah!"

The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Meanwhile Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke says that's ridiculous. The only currency that could replace dollars are I.O.U.'s.

Mark your calendars guys, Sarah Palin's memoir detailing her 2008 run for Vice President will be released on November 17th and it's called, "Going Rogue: An American Life." - "Going Rogue" is a cool title... although it's pretty close to McCain's 2008 election memoir, "Going Insane."

Palin's memoir is 400 pages long... but the last 200 are blank.

9/28/09 - Latest Possible Joke on Fallon

2009-09-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

***The co-founder of the Gap, Donald G. Fisher, died yesterday at the age of 81. He's survived by his wife and Gap Kids.***

Congratulations to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom who tied the knot this weekend at a ceremony attended by many of Odom's Laker teammates. The biggest highlight came at the reception when Khloe tossed the bouquet over her shoulder and Kobe Bryant caught it in mid-air and dunked it.

Congratulations to the New York Yankees – this weekend they swept the Boston Red Sox in three games and clinched the American League East Title! Yep, the Yankees clinched... meanwhile in prison, Plaxico Burress clenched.

A 92-year-old woman in New Hampshire celebrated her birthday by sky-diving from a plane at 13,000 feet. When asked how she managed to avoid letting sky-diving scare the crap out of her, she answered, "Depends..."

Congratulations to Fernando and Yolanda Martinez - who own the Country Boys Taco Truck in Brooklyn - they won the fifth annual Vendy Award, which celebrates the best of New York's street food. Coming in last place: "Muammar Qaddafi's Falafal Tent. "

"Al Roker's Leftover Wagon"

"Ernie Anastos's "Keep F*ckin' that Chicken" kabobs.

"Donald Trump's Hair-epas"

9/25/09

2009-09-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Happy 40th birthday to Catherine Zeta-Jones and Happy 65th birthday to
her husband, Michael Douglas. To celebrate the couple exchanged gifts:
He gave her a diamond bracelet and she gave him a Medic-Alert
bracelet.

Michael Vick is expected to play in his first NFL game since 2006 on
Sunday when the Philadelphia Eagles play the Kansas City Chiefs. Vick
could see action in the 4th quarter... or earlier with good behavior.

What a historic week we just had here in New York City. Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, Mommar Qaddafi, and Hugo Chavez all spoke before the
meeting of the UN Security Council. Historians are calling it the
worst episode of "Madmen" ever.

First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a dinner last night for the wives of
the G-20 leaders... or as they're better known, the Real Housewives of
the G-20.

Police in Pittsburgh had to use pepper spray on a group of more than
500 people yesterday, protesting the G-20 Summit. A spokesman for the
protesters said, "it could've been worse, we could've been at a
Pirates game."

A woman in Arkansas discovered that she had conceived a child while
she was 2 ½ weeks into another pregnancy. Jon Gosselin said, "Yes! I
knew I could do it!"

President Obama and British leaders accused Iran on Friday of building
a secret underground plant to manufacture nuclear fuel. The accusation
came after a secret meeting between President Obama and James Bond.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that the UN doesn’t smell of
sulfur anymore and that “it smells of something else...." Then Joe
Wison stood up and yelled, "he who smelt it, dealt it!"

A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden Burger... It's a hamburger topped with
really fake-looking lettuce.

A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden BLT... I'd read you the ingredients but
the list goes on forever.

... It's got bacon, lettuce, tomato and about 100 other useless ingredients.

Did you hear about this? Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi’s translator
collapsed during his rant at the UN this week, saying “I just can’t
take it anymore.” Poor guy, apparently he was up all night outside
Qaddafi's tent on Coyote watch.

9/24/09

2009-09-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Big day today for President Obama... this morning in New York he spokebefore the UN Security Council... in the afternoon he traveled toPittsburgh for the G-20 Summit... then he flew down south for dinnerwith the Real Housewives of Atlanta...

In his 96-minute speech at the UN yesterday, Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi tore up a copy of the UN charter. But in his defense Qaddafi's been living in a tent all week, he probably just needed some toilet paper.

Qaddafi referred to President Obama as "his son" and would be happy if Obama “would stay for ever as president. Then he asked Obama to be his BFF.

Qaddafi called for new investigations into the assassination of JFK. Qaddafi even offered to help saying he's willing to spend as long as it takes living in a tent on the grassy knoll.

A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy this week –the heaviest newborn ever recorded in the country. The mother took onelook at the size of her son and named him KFed.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced yesterday on his blog that he contractedswine flu while he was reporting in Afghanistan. He said the worstsymptom was coughing up all that "Gupta."

A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more Americans favor Glenn Beck over Rush Limbaugh... in a bathing suit.

Workers at a recycling center in California found more than $3,000 incash while sorting trash yesterday. You know what they say, "one man's trash is another man's really smelly treasure."

9/23/09

2009-09-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Happy birthday to the Boss! Bruce Springsteen turned 60 yearsold today. Wow, the Boss is 60 -- nowadays when he sings "Born to Run" he's mostly talking about goin' to the bathroom.

Leaders from Canada walked out of Iranian President MahmoudAhmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged all delegates inthe 192-member chamber to do the same. Though it was a tough sellsince the Canadians walked out to attend a Celine Dion concert.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged alldelegates in the 192-member chamber to do the same. Unfortunatelynobody responded to the Canadians' pleas of, "come on everybody, we'rewalking oot! Why is nobody else walking oot with us? Are you comingwith us, we're walking oot!"

I read this in Time Magazine - Former Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was - "Weak. Waffling, wavering, and ambiguous." Apparently when you finish 3rd in a presidential election you win a lifetime supply of "word of the day" desk calendars.

Last night Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds set a new major league baseball record when he struck out for the 205th timethis season. To put that number in perspective, Reynolds has made less contact with balls this year than Rosie O'Donnell.

German leaders planned to walk out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today if he denied the Holocaust or made any anti-Semitic statements. Unless his statements were set to a tecno beat, then they'd be cool with it.

9/22/09

2009-09-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

Police are investigating the theft of $400,000 worth of jewelry fromthe home of Buffalo Bills safety Donte Whitner. I think it's safe to say none of the stolen jewelry included any Superbowl rings.

Ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards rose to 13.3 million – that's a million more viewers than last year. Producers are attributing the extra million viewers to the chick from Madmen's boobs.

President Obama shook hands with New York Governor David Paterson yesterday at the Albany airport – two days after he asked the governornot to run in 2010 - which could explain why during the handshake, Patterson never made eye contact with Obama.

Did you guys catch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night?Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay danced the Cha-Chato the song, "Wild Thing" - and then judge Bruno called him, "crazier than Sarah Palin." DeLay responded by calling Bruno a fascist.

Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay made his debut on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night and said in order to succeed onthe dance floor he had to "get in touch with his feminine side." Rush Limbaugh advised him to just do what he does: grow man boobs.

Researchers in the U.S. are now testing a new "topical cream" for erectile dysfunction. The topic: Disgusting stuff researchers have to do.

President Obama has been urging NY Governor David Patterson not to run for another term as Governor but just this weekend the two met at anairport in Albany and whispered to each other. Depsite the meeting insiders claim the two still don't see eye-to-eye.

9/21/09

2009-09-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

In the first game played at the new billion dollar "Dallas Stadium"
last night, the Cowboys lost to the Giants 33-31. Tony Romo threw
three interceptions but on the bright side none of his passes hit the
scoreboard.

Today is the last day of Summer - which means Lady Gaga can put away
all her short-sleeved male genitalia.

Last night the Emmy's unveiled a new format where the show was broken
into five specific award genres: Comedy, Reality, Variety Drama, and
shows about sharks.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham criticized President Obama’s media
blitz over the weekend, saying “he’s been on everything but the Food
Channel.” Ironically Graham made the statement while appearing on his
new Food Network show, "Whiners, Drive-ins and Dives."

A New Jersey man was arrested after his 4-year-old son brought his
cocaine to daycare and handed it out to other kids. Daycare
authorities knew something was wrong after the wheels on the bus would
not stop going, "round and round, round and round, round and round!"
(speed reading)

Avril Lavigne and her husband of three years – Sum 41 frontman, Deryck
Whibley – are getting a divorce. Apparently, "he was a Sk8er Boy, she
said see ya later boy." (Singing)

A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder
at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. Authorities on the scene
said they weren't sure if it was the most amazing home invasion story
they'd ever seen or the most disturbing Cialis commercial.

Happy, happy birthday to Nicole Ritchie. She turned 28... pounds.

Today is the last day of summer, and tomorrow is the first day of
fall… which means no more open toes for Lady Gaga, just camel toes.

A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating
Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating
championship on Friday. When presented with his trophies the man
burped, “thank you.” (burped)

9/18/09

2009-09-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan sent a phone message out to some NY
Jet fans asking them to make it miserable for Tom Brady - when the
Patriots play the Jets this weekend. He suggested the Patriots sign
Terrell Owens.

Sunday is the regular season debut of the new home to the Dallas
Cowboys - the $1.3 billion “Dallas Stadium”. Most of the money was
spent on a state of the art security gate meant to keep Jessica
Simpson out.

Dallas Stadium has a retractable roof, the world's largest high
definition video screen, and private luxury suites can be purchased
for up to $500,000 a year. And for an extra hundred grand they’ll
throw in a couple Yankees tickets.

Today is National Cheeseburger Day! President Obama honored the
occasion by inviting representatives from “McDonald Land” to the White
House.

... President Obama marked the occasion by pardoning the “Hamburglar”
of all his crimes.

... To honor the occasion the Obama’s hosted a White House dinner for
the Burger King.

9/17/09

2009-09-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

New Zealand scientists have developed a wireless heart pump that uses
magnetic fields to transfer power to heart pumps through a person's
skin rather than using wire cables. The best part is: if patients
can't afford the wireless service they can just steal the signal from
their neighbors.

More Jon and Kate news this week: Jon returned the couple's two German
Shepherds back to their breeders - blaming Kate because she's never
home to take care of them. To clarify, when I say "breeders," I'm NOT
talking about Jon and Kate.

The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
proposal is such a turn off to Republican Senators they're already
cheating on it with younger, hotter proposals.

The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
main sticking point for Republicans: The plan doesn't do enough to
cover hooker mistresses.

Did you guys see the finale of America's Got Talent last night?
Susanne Boyle made her American TV debut with a performance of the
Rolling Stones classic, "Wild Horses" - which prompted Mick Jagger to
ask, "What's Keith Richards doin on the telly singing Wild Horses?"
(As Jagger)

Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down from her job as the CEO of the WWE to run for the Republican senate seat in Connecticut. Boy celebrity politicians are all the "roid" rage, aren't they?

9/16/09

2009-09-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

Universal in Orlando will open a new, Harry Potter theme park in the
spring of 2010. Some of the rides at the new “Wizarding World of Harry
Potter” are: the “Dragon Challenge,” the “Triwizard Tournament,” and
“Gandalf’s Magical Moustache Ride.”

Did you guys see the Phillies game last night? There was a cute
moment when a fan caught Jayson Werth’s foul ball, then gave it to his
daughter. But she just threw it right back onto the field… What you
can’t see in the video is that before she threw the ball back onto the
field she threatened to shove it down her father’s throat.

People Magazine’s 2009 Best-Dressed List issue comes out this Friday.
Cameron Diaz was singled out for “Best Jeans.” Meanwhile Michael Moore
was singled out for “Best Jeans with an Elastic Waistband.”

… Taylor Swift was chosen for “best sparkle” while Beyonce was chose
for “Even Better Sparkle.”

… “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson won for best-dressed man of the
year - Which confirms that the look for guys this year is, “Disheveled
Runaway Teen”

9/15/09

2009-09-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

Happy, happy 63rd Birthday to director Oliver Stone… At his party he was able to blow out all 63 candles on his cake… but some believe there was a second blower behind the nacho fountain.

Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy because he’s gay… And then the Ukraine went back to training all ofthe world’s gymnasts and figure skaters.

Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy,because he is gay and too old. “And the same goes for you too, Rosie O’Donnell”… said the Ukraine.

Dan Brown’s newest novel, “The Lost Symbol,” hit bookstores today. Or did it?????????

“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story takes place in Washington, D.C. over a12-hour period and uncovers the secret behind how long it takes Nancy Pelosi to removeher makeup.

“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story shines a light on a secret, underground society of people that understand what the hell a public option is.

an underground society of people known as, "Dick Cheney's Friends"

Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West's music, saying hewas “just grandstanding to get attention.” Unfortunately nobody interrupted Trump while he was talking.

Happy Birthday to Hills star, Heidi Montag – she turned 23 today. Unfortunately for everyone at her party she joined them in singing, “Happy Birthday.”

9/14/09

2009-09-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

Happy, happy birthday to Amy Winehouse who turned 26 yesterday. She said her favorite thing to do on her birthday is blow… out the candles.

The most talked about moment at last night’s VMA’s was when Kanye West jumped on stage and interrupted Taylor Swift’s best female video acceptance speech. Apparently Kanye thought he should have won.

After the VMA’s Kanye West apologized to Taylor Swift on his blog for interrupting her acceptance speech saying, “I’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment.” Word is Kanye realized how wrong he was when he got backstage and Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down his throat.

Everyone’s talking about Lady Gaga’s performance of her song,“Paparazzi” last night at the VMA’s where she faked her death on stage and ended up covered in blood. It was insane, there was so much blood on stage security had to restrain Robert Pattinson.

Last night at the VMA’s Taylor Swift performed her song, “You BelongWith Me” on a real New York City subway platform and inside a packed subway car. Not only did her performance steal the show but she sold enough Skittles to buy new uniforms for her basketball team.

Dean Kamen – the inventor of the Segway – designed a new portable device called the Slingshot that can purify drinking water in remote villages. Just like the Segway, the only problem with the Slingshot is you look really gay using it.

Barbara Walters was not present on “The View” this morning with special guest host Kate Gosselin. Instead she was shooting aone-on-one interview with Jon Gosselin for her annual special: “TheMost UN-interesting People of 2009”.

President Obama came to New York City this morning to give a speech onthe banking industry - on the one-year anniversary of the collapse ofLehman Brothers. In a change in strategy from his healthcare speech, this time Obama was the one telling the crowd, “you lie”

Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape where he calls President Obama “powerless” in the war against Afghanistan. Later in the tape he explains that Obama is talented but that Beyonce is much more powerful.

9/11/09

2009-09-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

It’s a big weekend here in New York City – you got the US Open, Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer doesn’t know who to have sex with.

32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress onWednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering replacing Congress with vampires.

Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”

Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!

This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!

And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!

9/11/09

2009-09-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

It’s a big weekend here in New York City – you got the US Open,
Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so
many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer
doesn’t know who to have sex with.

32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress on
Wednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.
To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering
replacing Congress with vampires.

Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the
fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon
she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”

Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow
he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!

This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –
9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a
coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!

And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!

9/10/09

2009-09-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

The most talked about moment of Obama’s speech on healthcare last night was when Republican Congressman Joe Wilson yelled, “you lie” after Obama said reforms would not apply to illegal immigrants. After the outburst Nancy Pelosi was seen shaking her head in disgust. Turns out she wasn’t upset at Wilson - she was pissed at Hillary Clinton for wearing the same red pantsuit she did.

After the speech Wilson immediately apologized for his inappropriate outburst – or as they call it in the White House, “pulling a Biden.”

After Wilson’s inappropriate outburst Joe Biden could be seen whispering to Nancy Pelosi, “wow, did he just pulled a me?”

After the speech there was a lot of speculation about where the outburst came from until SC Congressman Joe Wilson owned up to it and apologized... but not before claiming he couldn't have done it b/c hewas hiking in the Appalachians.

During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he got tough with Republicans saying, “If you misrepresent this plan, I will call youout”. Then he threatened to invite anyone who disagreed with him over to the White House for a beer.

During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he told members of Congress that his door is always open – which is a fundamental change from former President Clinton’s policy of “if this rooms-a-rockin’don’t come-a-knockin!”

After Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, John McCain appeared onLarry King Live to give his reaction to the President’s plan saying,“his numbers don’t add up.” To prove his point McCain pulled out anabacus… and then King was like “Hey, that’s my abacus.”

Later in the evening, John McCain appeared on Larry King Live to comment on Obama’s speech. Unfortunately neither of them could remember anything the President said.

9/9/09

2009-09-10T14:04:00.000-07:00

Forbes.com ranked fishing and logging as the world’s most dangerous jobs. The least dangerous job in the world: ranking jobs for Forbes.com.

The long-awaited remastered editions of the Beatles 12 studio albums were released today. The songs are so clear you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.

Health officials in Australia are telling doctors to drink 6 cups ofcoffee a day to stay awake during long shifts. Damn, 6 cups of coffee,that’s a lot of toilets flushing in the opposite direction.

eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin for aminimum bid of $25,000. Word of advice to the winner, don’t order the soufflé.

Due to the current financial crisis, the United States lost its title as the most competitive economy to Switzerland. When US bankers heard about this they were like, “Nah ah, we bet you a billion dollars we're more competitive than the Swiss!”

A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. Which is all Congress needed to hear - sosee ya in 2020… moon!

Instead of showing President Obama’s big health care speech tonight, FOX went ahead with the season premiere of its dance competitionseries “So You Think You Can Dance.” Which is unfortunate for the dancers since Obama’s plan doesn’t cover groin injuries.

Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment in New York is on the market. It is expected to fetch between 8 and 10 million dollars. Or in Madoff terms: 20 million cigarettes.

President Obama’s health care speech to Congress tonight was seen by many pundits as a definitive point in his presidency. It's way moredefinitive than all his other primetime televised speeches.

Today is 9/09/09… It’s a very rare occurrence. The next time consecutive numbers will appear in a date nobody will care either.

Re-mastered versions of every Beatles album came out today. When Ringo heard this he said, “Remastered? But I never mastered them in the first place.”

Beatles Rock Band came out today featuring replica instruments just like ones the Beatles used to play. There’s Paul’s bass and Ringo’s drums… and in a five years they’ll come out with George’s sitar.

9/8/09 - Latest Joke on Fallon

2009-09-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

***Happy 60th birthday to 70’s disco star Gloria Gaynor. She celebrated as she does every year, by surviving.***

The big story today, President Obama delivered his controversial speech to schoolchildren. In it he asked students to show up forschool, listen to their teachers and stop picking on Tim Geitner’skids.

The speech aired on C-Span and was watched by millions of students allover the country. It was the most watched program on C-Span by schoolchildren since Barney Frank and Friends.

During his speech to America’s schoolchildren, President Obama told students what they’re “learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.” Those challenges include walking up steps and fitting into pants.

Sonia Sotomayor started work on the Supreme Court today - and she wore a collar given to her by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. But if Ginsburg catches Sotomayor not wearing the collar at any time, Sotomayor has to serenade all the male judges.

A female journalist in Sudan was fined $200 for indecency this weekend after wearing pants in public. Sudanese officials are calling her the Hilary Clinton of the Sudan.

Congratulations to ESPN – for celebrating its 30th anniversary yesterday. Guys everywhere celebrated by watching Sportscenter the way they always do: while having sex with their girlfriends.

9/4/09

2009-09-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

New re-mastered versions of every Beatle song will be released next
week - 22 years after they all first came out on CD. The songs are so
clear, you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.

A nun in Long Island, New York was arrested for drunk driving this
week after crashing into a tree. Not a good week for Sister Billy
Joel.

Chris Brown said that Oprah’s episode on domestic abuse in the spring
was a “slap in the face.” Poor choice of words given what happened
between Brown and Rihanna, he really put his foot in HER mouth…

The White House will release President Obama’s speech to
schoolchildren online so that parents can read it first and decide if
their kids should watch it. It’s easy, all parents have to do is find
a computer and then have their kids show them how to go online and
download the speech.

There’s a lot of buzz about who will replace Diane Sawyer on “Good
Morning America” – and ABC’s president said his network will “make a
big change.” A big change huh? Sounds like Star Jones is coming back
to daytime TV!

9/3/09

2009-09-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Retailers are reporting a drop in a back-to-school sales this season.To help boost sales, President Obama is proposing a new grades-based incentive program called: “Cash for Flunkers”.

President Obama will deliver a major prime time health care speech toa joint session of Congress next Wednesday. That means the President will be in the same room with all 535 members of Congress - making it the first Presidential speech ever delivered thru a swine flu mask.

A new study finds that 11 p.m. is the most popular time of day for using the Internet in the US. Apparently the study didn’t account forthe hours of 9 to 5.

Google apologized yesterday for its Gmail crash this week and blamed the outage on a server. And by “server” they mean a girl in their office who had 700 Gchat windows opened.

The BP oil company discovered a giant pool of crude oil – estimated tohold 6 billion barrels – after drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. Hmmm a giant pool found in Mexico, I wonder who's gonna clean it?

To mark his tenth wedding anniversary with his wife, Victoria Beckham, David Beckham got a tattoo of 10 roses around his arms. The roses also represent how many soccer fans there are in America.

Paula Abdul is in the early stages of production on her own variety show in Las Vegas. It will be called: “What Happens in Vegas, Stays…Somewhere… Hold on, I Forget… Where Am I? – Vodka, Please.”

Happy 44th birthday to Charlie Sheen. I’m pretty sure I know how he’s gonna celebrate.

The State Department is investigating a wild party at the American Embassy in Afghanistan. Officials are reviewing video taken at theparty. It’s called “Girls Gone Wild: Burkha Babes.”

The party got so out of hand Joe Francis ended up punching Brody Jenner’s girlfriend.

Emory University in Georgia has moved 50 students with swine flu into a separate dorm where they are having their class-work and food delivered to them. The waiting list to get into that dorm has been full for weeks.

9/2/09

2009-09-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Both Sex and the City 2 and the third season of Bravo’s Real Housewives of New York City began filming in Manhattan this week. To honor both productions, all week the top of the Empire State Building will be lit spray-tan orange.

New York City hasn’t seen this many cougars since Ringling Brotherswas in town.

Here in New York, the Health Department is posting anti-soda adsthroughout the city, showing liquid fat being poured into drinking glasses – or as it’s better known: Mountain Dew Code Blue.

This Chris Brown story keeps getting worse: First on Larry King Livehe said didn’t remember beating Rihanna - then in a statement to People magazine Brown says he was misquoted and clarified that he does remember the incident. Even Brett Favre was like, “dude, make up your mind.”

Major League Baseball unveiled a newer version of its iPhone app"MLB.com At Bat 2009" that lets users watch every game live. Developers were able to improve every aspect of watching a game on your iPhone except how the Mets play.

9/2/09

2009-09-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

Workers in Ireland discovered a 3,000-year-old barrel ofwell-preserved butter. Which means if you need to get in touch with Kirstie Alley, she’ll be in Ireland.

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre said before his game against Houston last night that he might have cracked a rib. It’s a serious injury for a quarterback like Favre… trainers say he’ll feel it everytime he tries to retire and un-retire.

The injury doesn’t appear career threatening... although with BrettFavre you never know.

Bob Dylan announced on his radio show that several companies have approached him to voice their GPS systems. Yeah that’s the voice you wanna hear when you're lost, “at the next leeeeeeeeeeeight. turnreeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiight.”

It would be the first navigation system to prompt drivers with a harmonica solo.

Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” has spent a record 71 weeks in a row on the Billboard Hot 100 beating out Leanne Rime’s “How Do I Live,” which lasted 69 weeks. Congratulations Jason, that’s “aMrazing”!

Happy 59th Birthday to Dr. Phil. He celebrated by doing whatever Oprah tells him to do.

New research suggests that swine flu is spreading at an alarming rateon college campuses – which finally confirms that the virus cannot becured with weed.

Among the reasons for the spread of the virus on college campuses is kissing. So to everyone at MIT, you guys are in the clear.

8/31/09

2009-09-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

The home of Vincent Chase during the first two seasons of HBO’s Entourage burnt down yesterday during the California Wildfires. Unfortunately by the time firefighters arrived it was too late to hug it out.

Walt Disney bought Marvel Entertainment today for $4 billion. It means next time Mary Jane makes Peter Parkers Spidey sense tingle they better be wearing purity rings.

A new detox center in Washington promises to cure people of their Internet addictions for $14,500. The preferred form of payment: Paypal.

Today was President Obama’s first day back in Washington after a weeklong vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Obama called the trip relaxing- except for all the calls from the sitter about Joe Biden.

The “Today” show has hired George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna Bush Hager, as an education correspondent. President Bush said he can’t wait to watch his daughter on TV, just as soon as he finds out what day the Today show airs.

Ikea is facing criticism for changing its catalog font to Verdana after using Futura for 50 years. Yeah, that’s the problem with reading the Ikea catalog - the font. Definitely not all the words with silent j’s and umlauts.

A new study found that over weight people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. So it's not all bad news for fat people, at least they have skinny brains.

Jon Gosselin brought his mother to the pool party he hosted on Saturday at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Apparently they had so much fun together, now everyone’s calling him Grandpa.

Rangers in California closed sections of Sequoia National Park afterthey discovered a marijuana garden growing in a cave. When asked howthe plants got there, the Geico Cavemen said, “our bad.”

8/14/09

2009-09-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, he’s back in the NFL. Yesterday Michael Vick signed a two-yeardeal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Just like Rocky, Philly loves anunderdog…. I mean long shot.

...To get on the field, Vick will have to be on his best behavior andeven then he'll be on a short leash.

The owner of a bakery in Detroit will break a record tomorrow when he unveils a 7,000-pound vanilla cupcake – but not if Michael Moore gets there first!

Jon Gosselin will host a pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas onAugust 2. Everyone at the party will be topless except Gosselin who will be wearing an Ed Hardy T shirt.

John Edwards finally admitted he is the father of his mistress’s baby – after denying it for over a year. He just couldn't deny it any longer after seeing what a fabulous head of hair the kid had.

8/13/09

2009-09-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

More news from these town hall meetings on healthcare: Republican Senator Chuck Grassley told an Iowa crowd yesterday that they were correct to fear that the government would “pull the plug on grandma.” When Joe Biden heard this he said, “Plugs? What plugs? I don’t knowanything about plugs.”

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley said at his town hall yesterday inIowa that President Obama’s health care plan could mean “pulling theplug on grandma.” After he said it, an elderly woman shouted, “Yeah, just try to catch me!” And then sped off in her Jazzy Scooter.

This electric car one-upsmanship is crazy – first GM said the Chevy Volt would get 230 mpg, and yesterday Nissan announced their electriccar – The Leaf – would get 367 mpg… Then Toyota was like our new electric car has a “Flux Capacitor”… It’s crazy.

A new federal report finds that NASA doesn’t have the $800 million it needs to track asteroids that pose a threat to Earth. But don’t worry: NASA officials plan to ask Obama if old space shuttles count as “Clunkers.”

Heidi Montag – star of “The Hills” – says she used Playboy magazine toshop for the perfect breasts when she got implants back in 2007 –which is odd because Heidi always struck me as someone who only checked out Playboy for the articles?

A Muslim woman in Paris was banned from going to a pool because shewas wearing a “burquini” – a swimsuit that covers the entire body. Oooooh so that’s what you call that thing Michael Phelps swims in, a “Burquini.” – I didn’t know he was religious.

A new study from the University of Massachusetts finds that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about 3 times every 10 minutes. The study also found that when Republican Senators talk to their wives they lie about 10 times every 3 minutes.

Police in Florida are trying to figure out who left 60 pounds of cocaine, worth $1 million, on a busy sidewalk. My guess is, AmyWinehouse.

Kiefer Sutherland has been named the highest paid TV actor, earning $550,000 for each episode of “24”. That’s like a hundred grand forevery, “Dammit!”

8/12/09

2009-08-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Lisa Wu-Hartwell, one of stars of the Real Housewives of Atlanta has lost her house due to foreclosure. On the brightside she's been cast in a new series called, the Real Housewives of the Holiday Inn.

The wife of Twitter’s CEO tweeted while in labor yesterday – saying“Dear Twitter, My water broke,” and “Epidural, yes please" - then during the birth she tweeted 140 F's in a row.

A 4-year-old girl from Queens was left on a Times Square subway platform for 15 minutes when her daycare teacher forgot about her. Don't worry, she's Ok, when authorities found her she was showing a homeless lady how to go potty like a big girl.

The president of Costa Rica, Oscar Arias has Swine Flu. But he says it's not a bad deal because it came with airfare and hotel all included.

Happy 46th birthday to rapper Sir-Mix-a-Lot. Or as his wife calls himever since he turned 40, Sir-Pees-a-Lot.

Congratulations to Sir-Mix-a-Lot who celebrated his 46th birthday today. At a party thrown in his honor, he performed a remix of his hit single "Baby Got Back" that he says celebrates the kind of women he hangs out with now called, "Baby Got Back Problems."

This is insane – a man from Pennsylvania was found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World – and was sentenced to pay a large fine and a write a letter of apology to the victim. He also had to write anapology to Mickey Mouse that started: Dear M-I-C-K-E-Y, why? ‘Cause I’m a pervert.

This is insane – a man from Pennsylvania was found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World – and was sentenced to pay a large fine and a write a letter of apology to the victim. In the apology the man wrote: “Dear Minnie, I apologize for my actions but I had just led the Pittsburgh Steelers to victory in the Super Bowl and…”

During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, PresidentObama mistakenly said that the AARP supports his health care plan –but it turns out they don’t. Great, just what we need, more confused old people.

Well it's the end of an era. MTV is leaving its studio in Times Squareat the end of the year because the rent is too expensive. Until they can find a new studio MTV will temporarily move into Lauren Conrad’spool house.

The details of Simon Cowell's new contract on American Idol were just released. He'll be making 45 million dollars a year. Combine that with Seacrest’s new 45 million dollar contract and the two of them can attend one Yankees game

8/11/09

2009-08-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

Happy 56th birthday to wrestling icon Hulk Hogan. Nowadays the onlygiant the Hulkster wrestles with is his prostate.

In response to a question from a student in Africa about what her husband thinks about an international financial matter, Hillary Clinton snapped and said she would not be “channeling” her husband when giving her opinions. Bill wasn't surprised, he said Hillary's never in the mood to "channel" with him.

A woman in New York became the first American to receive a Wi-Fi pacemaker – which allows doctors to monitor her heart over the Internet. Now her heart can function properly in Starbucks, McDonalds and my apartment about 30% of the time.

In an interview with the “Today” show yesterday, Kate Gosselin said that she still wears her wedding ring for the sake of her eight children. And Jon Gosselin said he wears Ed Hardy t-shirts every dayfor the sake of how awesome he looks in them.

Did you hear this: Sarah Palin says Obama’s healthcare bill would setup a "death panel" - where Federal bureaucrats would rule on whether ailing seniors are worth enough to society to deserve life-saving medical care. Oddly enough, “Death Panel” is also the name of Dick Cheney’s fantasy football team.

This is crazy, a Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at the Mona Lisa in Paris – luckily she did not damage the painting. She said she didn’t like the way that bitch was smiling at her.

Responding to wide-spread criticism - Nancy Pelosi and house leaders have cancelled the order for extra Gulfstream "private jets" to help shuttle around members of Congress. She said they’ll stick to how members of government usually travel… by lying about hiking in the Appalachians, then flying to Argentina.

After performing together for 20 years, Brooks and Dunn - one of the most successful acts in music history - will breakup next year. Apparently Dunn wanted Seacrest money.

Did you see Miley Cyrus’s performance of her song “Party in the USA” last night on the Teen Choice Awards? She wore short shorts, a tanktop, and biker boots and said of her raunchy dance routine, "This represents where I come from..." Then she cut her bangs, shaved the sides of her head, and showed off her new mullet.

8/10/09

2009-08-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Cheech Marin who married his longtime girlfriend
this weekend. All the money from their wedding gifts will be placed in
a "joint" bank account.

President Obama met with the presidents of Canada and Mexico this
weekend to discuss a strategy for combating the swine flu epidemic.
The conversation took place over a few rounds of ice cold Robitussin.

... It's being billed as the first ever, "Tamiflu Summit."

An employee at an Oregon gas station discovered a mouse inside an ATM,
using $20 bills to build a nest. You believe this mouse, building a
nest out of $20 bills? Who's he think he is, Mickey?

... And you don't even want to know what he was doing with the $100 bills...

A prison inmate in Tennessee is suing the state, claiming that jail
officials lost his prosthetic leg. Lawyers for the state say his case
doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Officials at a Houston jail found a gun that an obese inmate hid in
the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches.
Which is why now, Plaxico Burress only goes to the club with offensive
linemen.

Just want to say, get well soon to Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. Last week
he broke his shoulder and needed stitches in his head after falling
from the stage during a concert. Witnesses say the fall didn't faze
Tyler, he was still "livin' it up while -- goin' dooooooooooown!"
(Singing)

8/7/09

2009-08-10T22:07:00.000-07:00

When Sonia Sotomayor is sworn in tomorrow morning she'll become just
the third female to ever serve on the Supreme Court... or as Clarence
Thomas calls her, "fresh meat."

Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, are in South Carolina for
a weeklong vacation. But with Biden gone, it's really more of a
vacation for Obama.

A man in Kenya offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for her
daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage. The offer caused Hillary to
laugh... which scared away all the goats and cows.

Officials at a Houston jail found a gun that an obese inmate hid in
the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches.
It's the sweatiest gun cops have retrieved since the one that shot
Plaxico Burress.

A teacher in Malaysia forced a student to smoke 42 cigarettes in four
hours as punishment after finding a cigarette and lighter in his
locker. On the bright side the student just got cast in Madmen.

Did you see this, 51-year-old Sharon Stone posed topless on the cover
of Paris Match magazine? By the looks of the cover the topless
pictures have something to do with a recipe for flapjacks.

8/5/09

2009-08-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine... But if anyone can get her to
return it's Bill Clinton.

Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She announced her departure on
Twitter in a statement that read: "It's with great regret that I..."
and then the rest was just q's and semicolons..

Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She said she wants to work on a
show that really appreciates her talents... like the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She said she wanted to spend more
time with her loved ones... Gin and Tonic

Well, it's official. Fox has confirmed that Paula Abdul will not
return as a judge on the upcoming ninth season of American Idol. Wow.
Poor Paula, losing a job like that has to be a bitter "bottle of
pills" to swallow.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sworn into office as President of the Islamic
Republic of Iran after winning a second term in a contested election.
He received the oath of office in a ceremony held in front of his
mirror.

Congratulations to Eli Manning of the New York Giants –he signed a $97
million contract, making him the highest paid player in the NFL.
That’s good news for his teammates because it means now Manning has
more lunch money for them to steal.

The North Korean State Media is reporting that Bill Clinton apologized
for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an
apology. In fact when asked point blank Clinton said, “I did not have
apologetic relations with that Prime Minister.” (As Clinton)

A Staten Island woman successfully sued Little League Baseball after
her son hurt his knee while attempting to slide into second base. The
woman received $125,000… but she was hoping for a new son.

A four-year-old boy in England was invited to join Mensa after he
scored a 144 on an IQ test. So let me be the first to say, "Welcome to
the club, mate!"

8/4/09

2009-08-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

A new study revealed that use of antidepressant drugs in the UnitedStates has doubled. During the ten-year study the numbers went up, then down, then up, then down again…then WAY up!

Jessica Simpson has released her own line of lingerie that she says reflects the way she feels when she wakes up. The line is called,“Dumped.”

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression - which finally explains all the bedwetting.

Bill Clinton met with Kim Jong-il during his visit to North Korea today to try and win the release of two female journalists serving a12-year prison sentence. During the negotiations Clinton and Jong-il found some common ground when Clinton said, “Nice pant suit, my wife has one just like it.”

This week is the 22nd Annual “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel. It coincides with Oxygen’s “Dance Your Ass Off” marathon called “WhaleWeek.”

Former New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was indicted on gun charges Monday – which pretty much guarantees that he doesn’t have a shot in the dark at avoiding jail time.

Next month The Los Angeles Dodgers will hold “Manny Ramirez Bobblehead Night.” Not only will the heads bobble but a voice will ask, “Do I look fat in this uniform?”

PayPal broke down for four hours yesterday – and was unable to process any transactions worldwide. Because of the crash, sales of old TV stands on Craigslist plummeted.

President Obama turned 48 years old today and to help him celebrate, a birthday lunch was held at the White House. In order to attend the lunch, everyone had to wear a special “Baggy” party hats.

8/3/09

2009-08-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

At his concert in Washington, D.C. this weekend, Paul McCartney dedicated the song “Michelle” to Michelle Obama – later on in the concert, he dedicated the song… “Help!” to President Obama’s healthcare plan.

A kindergarten teacher in Alaska posted on her blog that Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. Yeah, apparently she told him it was over in a long, rambling, 'it's not you, it's the media" speech.

Henry Louis Gates said he and Sergeant James Crowley may go to a RedSox game together. Here's how that will go: Gates will yell at the opposing pitcher, "Who taught ya your curve ball, yo mamma?!" and then Crowley will be like, "What'd you say about my momma? That's it, you're under arrest!"

After a successful beer summit with the President, Henry Louis Gatesand Sergeant James Crowley plan on going to a Boston Red Sox gametogether. Crowley said he’s available to go any night except Sundays…because that’s the night he usually arrests elderly Black college professors.

Senator John McCain has 1.1 million followers on Twitter which is about 200,000 more than the Obama administration. It's not the only area where McCain has Obama beat lately, he also has a much larger prostate.

LaGuardia Airport was evacuated for almost 4 hours on Saturday morning after a homeless man entered, claiming he had a bag filled with explosives. Turns out the only thing in the bag was an alarm clock taped to some poop.

A teenager in England tracked down a gang that stole his iPhone by using the new “Find My iPhone” app. After confronting the gang he had to use another new app, "Find Me a Hospital."

7/31/09

2009-08-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well, from all indications it looks like the White House Beer Summit yesterday between Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley was very productive. The only interruption came when Obama had to break the Presidential Seal.

Well, from all indications it looks like the White House Beer Summit yesterday between Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley was a complete success. The only hiccup came after Michele Obama shotgunned her beer.

You guys hear about this, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens has a breakfast cereal named after him called “T.O.’s Honey ToastedOats”. Each box contains crunchy oat clusters, honey toasted flakes, and real bits of Tony Romo's career.

Pope Benedict the 16th will release an album this fall where he sings prayers. He said he wasn’t sure an album was the right way to spread the gospel but everything came together once he got into the studio with Timbaland.

Pope Benedict the 16th will release an album this fall where he sings
prayers. He’ll promote the album by turning the Pope Mobile into a hype van.

President Obama will be on the cover of TIME magazine next week - the 12th time in 12 months. One more time and he’ll beat Dick Cheney’s record on Guns and Ammo

A new poll finds that only 42% of Republicans, 83% of Independents, and 93% of Democrats are sure Obama was born in the U.S. This is just crazy, just because he’s Muslim doesn’t mean he was born outside the US.

Happy birthday to Wesley Snipes. He turned 47 years old today...Unfortunately he owes the IRS 43 of them.

Yesterday Nancy Pelosi called insurance companies trying to kill President Obama's healthcare plan "villains". Wow, that's harsh especially coming from someone in Joker makeup.

A new report finds that the number of Americans who watched videos online nearly doubled in the last 3 years. And those numbers nearly doubled when the videos included Britney Spears exiting a limo.

7/30/09

2009-08-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

The house approved $14 billion yesterday to cover vital federal programs like unemployment and highway projects so they don’t go broke while Congress is away in August. That's like when your parents go away for the weekend and leave your 40 bucks for emergencies... so you know Obama's just gonna blow it all on another beer summit.

Lucia Whalen – the woman whose 911 call led to the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates - said she would call 911 again if placed in the same situation. To test her, the Cambridge Police had Maya Angelou break into Whalen's house.

Happy 38th Birthday to the hilarious Tom Green. Instead of, "Happy Birthday" he led his family and friends in a rendition of, "My Bum ison My Cake, My Bum is on My Cake."

Happy 70th Birthday to director Peter Bogdanovich. He spent the whole day explaining to everyone that he's not Rod Blagojevich.

7/30/09 - Possible 4th joke in 2 weeks on Fallon

2009-07-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I wrote:
It’s rumored that Sarah Palin will get her own radio talk show next
year. It’ll be a four hour show but Palin will only stick
around for the first three.

Fallon said:
"It'll be a four hour show but she'll be out after two"

Obama’s personal physician, Dr. David Scheiner described the
President’s health by saying, "The guy is built like a rock. He could
probably bench-press me." Then he corrected himself and said, “Excuse
me, I meant, the First Lady.”

Happy birthday to documentary filmmaker Ken Burns. His party will take
place over twelve nights and air on PBS.

Hulk Hogan and his wife, Linda, have finally reached a settlement in
their divorce case. It was a nasty divorce. She tried to take
everything but the shirt off his back... but luckily he tore it off
before she could.

Yesterday the Senate Judiciary Committee approved Sonia Sotomayor to
become the first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. But it's not over
yet, before the Senate can vote on her confirmation, she has to
survive Hell Week first.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said Tuesday that he thinks
President Obama’s meeting with James Crowley and Henry Louis Gates
will “be a poignant moment.” - that is until Joe Biden spills his beer
in the President's lap and everyone yells, "party foul!"

An MTA employee is under investigation for letting her 8-year-old son
drive an express subway train on Sunday. It's not the first time
something like this has happened in New York City 'cause I'm pretty
sure an 8-year-old has been making the announcements in the subway for
years.

7/29/09 - Corniest joke on Fallon yet!

2009-07-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

***Michael Vick was re-instated by the NFL yesterday. No team has offered
him a contract yet but I’m sure someone will throw him a bone.***

Michael Vick was conditionally re-instated by the NFL yesterday. The
condition: He can’t go anywhere near Cleveland’s Dog Pound.

Penn State was rated the number 1 party school of 2009 by Princeton Review.
University of Florida was #2. And in a surprise, #3 was Pat O’Brien’s house.

The New York Times today pointed out the numerous scenes of
16-year-old Harry and his friends drinking in "Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince." But in their defense, President Obama did invite
them over for a beer.

The Senate Judiciary Committee on Tuesday voted to approve Sonia
Sotomayor as the first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. It’s a good
thing too because if they voted against her she would have “cut them.”

The Senate Judiciary Committee on Tuesday voted to approve Sonia
Sotomayor as the first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. Justice Ruth
Bader Ginsburg said it’s a big step toward Sotomayor being confirmed
next week and then it’s, "welcome to the club girlfriend!"

Michael Vick was "conditionally reinstated" by the NFL yesterday after
18 months in prison for engaging in illegal dogfighting. It means he's
free to sign with any NFL team but he's not allowed anywhere near the
Cleveland Dog Pound.

Billionaire Virgin chairman, Richard Branson says he hopes to have a
spaceship ready in time to take his 92-year-old father and 89-year-old
mother into space with him. It's all part of his mission to test how
gravity affects walking in on your parents having sex.

Yesterday Shaq tweeted that he was denied entry to the White House
after walking up to the front gate and asking if he could meet with
President Obama. Later he tried passing a note to a security guard to
give to the President by shooting it over the fence - but the note
clanked off the side of the security station.

Taser International unveiled a $1800 device that can shock three
people at the same time, without reloading - which is perfect for the
next time the Jonas Brothers get out of line.

The Dutch brewery Grolsch created its very own iPhone app to help
users figure out how drunk they are. It's way more effective than the
old way the Dutch used to check if a person was drunk: Making them
clog in a straight line.

New research has found that obese people spend on average $1400 more a
year on medical expenses. And that amount doubles if you count being
bulldozed out of you apartment as a medical expense.

Happy 19th Birthday to rapper Souja Boy. Now that he's 19 he keeps
getting calls from Army recruiters asking if he'd like to become a
real "Soulja".

7/28/09

2009-07-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant in Pyongyang, and
sells “minced beef and bread” for $1.70 - which explains the
restaurant's slogan: "I'm Lovin' It???"

President Obama is trying to lower the tension between Cambridge
Police Sergeant James Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates
by inviting them to the White House for a beer this week. If the
meeting goes well, Obama says he'll try inviting Kim Jung Il and
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over for karaoke night.

Obama will have a Budweiser and Sergeant Crowley will drink Blue Moon.
No word yet on Gates’ choice of beer yet but Sgt. Crowley suggested a
40 oz.

At Comic-Con - fans demanded that scenes from next spring’s “Iron Man
2” be shown twice. After the first screening, the fans started
chanting, "hell no, we won't go... 'til our parents come, and pick us
up!"

The situation got so out of hand that the Department of Homeland
Security had to issue a "Nerd Alert."

Sarah Palin officially stepped down Sunday as Governor of Alaska.
Asked what she'll miss most about being Governor of Alaska, she said,
"the quitting."

Sarah Palin attended three picnics in three days this weekend before
leaving office – one in her hometown of Wasilla on Friday, the second
in Anchorage on Saturday, and the third in Fairbanks on Sunday. It's
all part of her new job as host of the Food Network series, "Diners,
Drive-in's and Picnics."

Happy 66th Birthday to rock n' roll legend Mick Jagger of the Rolling
Stones. Nowadays when he sings "Satisfaction", he's usually talking
about having a solid bowel movement.

... Just like when bandmate Keith Richards turned 66, Jagger received
a birthday phonecall from President Carter.

Over the weekend, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said he was forced
to quit Facebook because too many people wanted to be his friend. Too
many friends, huh? You know who CAN'T relate to that, 12 year old Bill Gates!

7/22/09 - Latest joke of the show

2009-07-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

***Beginning tomorrow, San Diego will host ComicCon, the world's largest
Comic Book convention. Or as hospitals in San Diego are calling it, "Asthma
Fest '09!"***

Gidget, the dog actor who portrayed the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died
yesterday at the age of 15. She'll be burried in a soft taco shell.

Taco Bell will pay tribute to her with a "funeral Bell Grande."

Gidget's owners plan to cremate her and spread her ashes over a plate
of nachos.

Michelle Obama unveiled a new haircut last night at the White House’s
“Country Music Night." Not to be outdone, President Obama debuted his
new pair of leather Mom-jeans.

"I wanna send happy birthday wishes to a certain gameshow host who
turns 69 years old today." Higgins: "Ooh ooh, who is Alex Trebek?"

Last night a tribute to country music was held at the White House
featuring performances by Allison Kraus and Brad Paisley. But all
anyone wants to talk about are the "frumpy" chaps Obama was wearing.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton hinted that Washington would accept
a nuclear armed Iran when she raised the idea of creating a US
"defence umbrella" to protect Gulf allies. Critics say the region
would need much more than just an umbrella ... more like an entire
"Defense Pants Suit"

7/21/09

2009-07-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to comedy legend Robin Williams. He was so excited to
turn 58 years old, all 7000 hairs on his arms stood up.

President Obama called on bloggers Monday to keep pressure on Congress
about passing the healthcare reform bill. Perez Hilton immediately
agreed to help since a new healthcare bill would cover him the next
time he gets punched by Will.I.Am's manager.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean will publish a memoir called
“Still Standing" - which is not to be confused with Sarah Palin's
memoir, "No Longer Feel Like Standing."

Twitter has made $48 million over the last month as a result of all
the publicity it's received in the media. But that's nothing compared
to how much money Myspace makes every time one of its users appears on
"To Catch a Predator".

A bra once worn by Marilyn Monroe sold at auction in London for $5,200
- or 3,145 pounds - which coincidentally is how much one of Aretha
Franklin's bras can hold.

A man in Canada was arrested for driving a speeding car while watching
a porno movie on DVD. When the cop pulled him over he asked the man,
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going" and then said, "you know
what, don't answer that."

A man in Canada was arrested for driving a speeding car while watching
a porno movie on DVD. When the cop approached the car and knocked on
the window, the man said, "gimme a minute sir... gimme a minute!!!"

President Obama admitted in an interview on the TODAY show that the
jeans he wore at the All Star Game made him look - “a little frumpy."
But it's not his fault, before the game he asked Joe Biden, "Do these
jeans make me look frumpy?" and Biden said he looked great.

Top democrats in Congress warned President Obama today that he’s starting to
sound too much like George W. Bush. To which Obama responded, "I have
more important things to worry about like "Nu-cu-lar" war."

7/20/09

2009-07-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

In celebrity real estate news, Jon Gosselin has moved into an
apartment on New York City's Upper West Side. It's only a two-bedroom
apartment, but don't worry - there's more than enough room for all
8... hundred of his Ed Hardy T Shirts.

You hear about this, completion of the International Space Station has
been put in jeopardy because one of the station’s toilets is clogged.
Apparently someone on board took, "one giant crap for Mankind."

Sad news in Denver, an American Idol hopeful left his dog in a hot car
while he was auditioning for the show - and the poor dog passed away.
What a sad story... Witnesses say they did hear what sounded like a
crying dog but just thought it was coming from inside the audition
room.

Sad news in Denver, an American Idol hopeful left his dog in a hot car
while he was auditioning for the show - and the poor dog passed away.
Unfortunately, nobody thought anything was wrong when Randy Jackson
kept saying, "yo, that dog sounds hot!"

Happy Birthday to guitar legend Carlos Santana. A bunch of his
musician friends took him to dinner and when Santana tried to pay the
bill, Rob Thomas told him, he can "FORGET ABOUT IT." (Singing)

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in India where she said the U.S.
plans to build two new nuclear power plants there. It's a boon for the
Indian economy because it will be designed, built, and run entirely by
Indian workers... but the IT department - all Americans.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in India where she announced the
U.S. plans to build two new nuclear power plants there. President
Obama tried calling to congratulate her on the announcement but was
put on hold for two hours.

LATEST JOKE ON LATE NIGHT - 7/17/09

2009-07-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

***Happy 57th Birthday to David Hasselhoff. His family surprised him with
dinner at his favorite restaurant: The Floor.***

Happy 57th Birthday to David Hasselhoff. He spent the day with his
family, who joined him on the floor for some birthday cake.

Did you hear this? NASA accidentally erased footage of the Apollo 11
moon landing but they're having it digitally restored by Hollywood
editors. NASA says the images of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the moon
have never looked clearer... especially the part where he transforms
into a Ferrari.

7/15/09

2009-07-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

In science news, researchers in Britain claim to have created human sperm from embryonic stem cells for the first time ever. They were so excited by thier accomplishment, they all went home and created more sperm.

I'm sure you guys have all heard by now, looks like Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has broken up with Jessica Simpson after reportedly finding text messages in Simpson's cell phone from John Mayer. Now, Mayer is denying the whole thing but his face is telling a completely different story. (John Mayer guitar solo faces)

Tomorrow Nintendo is turning Times Square into a tropical recreation of the Wii Sports Resort's "Wuhu Island". It's gonna be awesome, there's gonna be a beach, a swimming pool, and a Tropical Lounge whereyou can get Wii Drunk.

... I'm hoping to make it over there... unless I get stuck in Wii Traffic.

... Something like this never would have been possible 20 years ago but thankfully Giuliani got rid of all the Wii Prostitutes.

Did you hear this, the state of New York plans to invest $1 million in new typewriters for use by the NYPD? It's not just typewriters either, the money will also cover replacing walkie-talkies with Dixie Cups and string.

7/13-7/14

2009-07-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the 80th annual Major League All-Star game at Busch Stadium in St. Louis and President Obama threw out the first pitch to Cardinals First Baseman Albert Pujols. Yeah after Pujols caught the ball he threw out Bernie Madoff trying to steal second base.

Lauren Conrad, star of the MTV’s The Hills, has topped the children’s NewYork Times Bestsellers list with her book, “LA Candy.” Not to be outdone, Spencer Pratt is getting rave reviews for his new line of designer douche bags.

A woman in a Tampa hotel bathroom was accidentally shot in the leg while sitting on the toilet when a gun discharged in the stall next to her. Don't worry folks, she's ok, but the whole incident scared the crap out of her.

Guess what everybody, today is National French Fries Day – which iswhy if you emailed Michael Moore today you received an “out-of-office”reply.

Fortune Magazine has ranked “Zips” – a virtual zipper – as the dumbest iPhone application. As for Fortune’s pick for the most painful app:“Caught in Your Zips.”

A hippo that once belonged to drug lord Pablo Escobar was shot and killed by police in Colombia. Apparently Columbians have a whole different set of rules when they play, “Hungry, Hungry, Hippo.”

The National Health Service of Britain is under fire for promoting anorgasm-a-day to schoolchildren. You know what they say, “an orgasm aday keeps the… parents locked out of the bathroom.”

Morgan Freeman has reportedly been romantically involved with his27-year-old step-granddaughter for the last ten years. That means when their relationship started she was only 17 years old. Uh-oh, sounds like someone could be goin’ back to Shawshank!

Ryan Seacrest is in talks to extend his job as host of “American Idol”for three more years – and to give him a significant pay raise… and we’ll find out just how much that raise is going to be… AFTER the break.

A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as shewas texting while walking. Boy, that’s a text message no parent ever wants to receive, “FDMT” – Fell Down a Manhole Texting.

Week of 7/6/09

2009-07-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

Michael Moore has announced the name of his latest documentary, it's called "Capitalism, A Love Story" - Which is not to be confused with his memoir, "Twinkies, A Love Story."

During his eulogy at the Michael Jackson Memorial yesterday Magic Johnson said the singer made him a better point guard. It’s not clear exactly how Jackson affected Johnson’s play on the court but I think it had something to do with his ball-handling skills.

Investigators into the death of Michael Jackson are still in possession of the singer’s brain - Which is disappointing news for all the zombies from the "Thriller" video.

On Good Morning America Michael Jackson’s long-time dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein said that he is not the father of Jackson’s children. It’s unclear how credible Klein’s statement is however, since he’s the guy who for the past 25 years has been telling Jackson, “No, no, your skin looks good”…

Google announced today that its email application Gmail is finally out of the “Beta” stage. Users celebrated by Googling what the hell that means.

Joyce Dewitt who played Janet on the 70’s sitcom “Three’s Company” was busted for DUI this week. I’m just glad police stopped her before she could “come and CRASH through my door…” (Singing)

… But in her defense, the Regal Beagle does have an excellent Happy Hour.

6/26/09

2009-07-03T12:53:00.001-07:00

Sad news, I'm sure you've all heard... the King of Pop Michael Jackson
passed away yesterday... He'll be immortalized by rhythmless white
guys on dance floors everywhere.

Critics of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” insist that two
robots in the film portray stereotypically black characters. One has a
gold tooth and the other is named "Madea."

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford met with his wife, Jenny, for the
first time on Thursday since admitting his affair with a woman in
Argentina. The meeting got off to a bad start when Sanford broke the
ice by telling his wife he missed her tan lines.

During Mark Sanford's press conference Wednesday where he admitted to
cheating on his wife, Fox News incorrectly identified the Republican
Governor as a Democrat. Meanwhile the Travel Channel identified
Sanford as their, "Man of the Year."

19-year-old “Harry Potter” star Daniel Radcliffe said he prefers
dating older women – because girls his own age are too much work.
Which explains the title of his next movie: "Harry Potter and the Low
Maintenance MILF".

A new study finds that texting and driving is worse than drinking and
driving. The study also found that "sexting" in the back seat is more
uncomfortable than having sex in the back seat.

Scientists believe that an extract from coffee can kill the bacteria
that causes bad breath. Unfortunately it can do nothing for "coffee
breath."

Did you hear this, Gloria Estefan will become part owner of the Miami
Dolphins? Her first act as co-owner: Changing the team's name to "the
Miami Sound Machine".

Happy birthday to "Lost" creator J.J. Abrams who turned 43 years old
today. When he blew out the candles on his cake... the smoke picked
him up and threw him across the room.

Ruth Madoff was seen riding the F train in New York yesterday. She
said she likes riding the subway because it makes her feel like she's
in prison with her husband.

6/25/09

2009-06-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

When asked to explain how he spent his secret trip to South America,Governor Mark Sanford said, "I've spent the last five days crying in Argentina". Well, that does explain one thing: He's one of those dudes that cries after sex.

Did you read Gov. Sanford's emails to his mistress? In them he talks about her, "gentle kisses," her "tan lines," and "the curves of herhips." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "I feel your pain." (As Bill Clinton)

Rosie O'Donnell is returning to the airwaves everyone! She's gettingher own daily radio talk show on Sirius XL Radio... excuse me, XMRadio. Sorry.

A judge in New Jersey temporarily banned the former boyfriend ofDanielle Staub – from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” – fromreleasing a sex tape with her in it. From what I've heard though, youcan't see too much in the video because her bangs block the camera.

... The judge said the video can't be released unless the owner iswilling to pay royalties for all the Bon Jovi playing in thebackground.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" opened yesterday and brought in
over 60 million dollars - shattering the record for biggest Wednesday
opening in the history of Hollywood. Not only that, the movie also won the Oscar for "Best Picture This Week."

Apples has approved the sale of the 1st Soft-Core Porn App for iPhones
or iTouch. But guys, word of advice when using it... don't let your mom walk in on you while you're shaking your phone.

Wired magazine editor Chris Anderson admitted to using whole passagesfrom Wikipedia in his new book about free products on the Web. He saidhe learned it from Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Jennifer Lopez is shutting down her "Sweetface" clothing line due toeconomic restructuring. She'll replace it with a new clothing linenamed after her husband Marc Anthony called, "Skeleton Face."

President Obama "dis-invited" Iranian diplomats to Fourth of Julycelebrations in Washington, D.C. after the violent crackdown inTehran. He's also de-gifting the "Chipotle" gift cards he sent themfor Cinco De Mayo.

The Phoenix Suns traded Shaquille O'Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers yesterday, teaming him with Lebron James. In Phoenix they called him,"The Big Shaq-tus" but in Cleveland they'll probably just call him,"The Big... Dude Next to Lebron"

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager, Polo Molina, afterhe punched the blogger outside a club in Toronto on Monday. Molina andthe Black Eyed Peas aren't backing down however, they said, "Let's get the trial started-d, let's get the trial started in he-ah!"

6/24/09

2009-06-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

It was announced today that President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the major league All Star Game in July. And earlier in the weekend, Michele Obama will compete in the Home Run Derby.

A nine-year old boy in Utah says an episode of Man vs. Wild on the Discovery channel helped him survive a night alone in the woods. It's not the first time a TV show helped him out of a scary situation. He was once left alone in "the Hills" and survived by crashing in LC's pool house.

Phil Spector has been assigned to a "sensitive needs facility" in the prison where he's serving his 19-year sentence. It's just like regular prison but with better conditioner.

Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir – to be published in the spring of 2011. Cheney said his book would be out sooner but he has towrite President Bush's memoir first.

Did you hear Dick Cheney is writing a memoir about his time as Vice President? He's writing it himself, no ghostwriter... mostly because even ghosts are scared of Dick Cheney.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s surrogate gave birth totwin girls on Tuesday – Marion and Tabitha. So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome them both into the world... along with the other 27 million Marions and Tabithas that will be born this year.

Did you guys hear about the Japanese satellite that crashed into the moon on Tuesday? Authorities say an old Japanese woman was driving it.

An Ikea in Brooklyn is offering free day care for up to 45 minutes while parents shop. It's so much fun for the kids, they get to play on the "Jungle-Jojka", the "Merry-Go-Ryndviklab" and the "WeebleWobjorngornvyklaard."

6/23/09

2009-06-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

Jon and Kate Gosselin – of Jon & Kate Plus 8 – have filed for divorce. Which is exciting news for all those dudes out there lookin' to date an annoying mother of 8.

Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. Turns out blood sugar smells like a dog’s ass.

Dunkin Donuts unveiled an iPhone App, “Dunkin’ Run” which allows users to place orders online. It’s ironic since anyone ordering donuts online probably doesn’t run anywhere.

An earthquake struck outside Anchorage, Alaska on Monday morning. It registered a 5.4 on the Richter scale… and an “Oh gosh, you betcha that was scary” on the Palin Scale.

Scientists in Morocco discovered the remains of the oldest known elephant relative, dating back 60 million years. The remains were positively identified by, “Snuffaluffagus”.

During her visit to San Francisco on Monday, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. And if you don’t… she will physically make you!

6/22/09

2009-06-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Father's Day so to all the dad's out there, Happy Father's Day! And to all the guests of the Maury Povich Show, Happy "You Are Not the Father's" Day!

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club – after Republicans questioned her membership. Next on the GOP's list: Getting Sasha and Malia Obama to resign from the Burger King Kid's Club.

No one was injured when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in L.A. on Friday because of smoke in the cockpit. Next time he has to fly, Schwarzenegger says he'll probably just take, "THE CHOPPER!"

It was revealed over the weekend that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave in January. Doctors say unlike his old liver, now his new one can take videos and cut n' paste.

It's official, Gisele Bundchen is pregnant and will give birth early next year. Husband Tom Brady said he can't wait to witness Gisele experience the miracle of childbirth... And her gynocologist said, "neither can I."

Oprah is paying for her entire staff and their families to go on a $5,400 a person, Mediterranean cruise to Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy and Malta. Oooh I wonder where she got that idea??? Maybe the $20 Booze Cruise to New Jersey I'm taking my staff on? Nice try Oprah!

Portugal will reportedly accept “two or three prisoners” from Guantanamo Bay. In return America will receive a prisoner to be named later.

The federal government will conduct a nearly half a million-dollar study in order to find out why men prefer not to wear condoms during sex. Here's how the budget for the study breaks down: $20 bucks for "research" and $499, 980 to pay the guy who has to write down all the reasons.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will make a full recovery after having a successful surgery to repair her broken right elbow on Friday. Unfortunately she's right handed so now she'll have to learn how to give Bill the finger with her left hand.

6/19/08

2009-06-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

(ANOTHER POSSIBLE JOKE ON THE SHOW)
***Happy birthday to Paula Abdul who turned 47 years old today. When she blew her candles out, they registered a .08"***

Barack Obama wrote an article for Parade magazine urging fathers to step up admitting, "I have been an imperfect father, I have made mistakes." Yeah like that time he killed Malia's pet fly.

A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. You can also switch the dress to vibrate for when you're "sexting."

“The Hulk” star Lou Ferrigno is working as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer for his upcoming London concert series. Apparently Jackson wants his next color change to be to green.

... Apparently now Jackson wants to learn how to change his skin from white to green.

To celebrate the end of his 2-year driving ban for being caught behind the wheel high on marijuana – George Michael bought a $200,000 Ferrari California. It's an awesome car, it can "GO-GO" 0-60 in 4 seconds.

Happy Birthday to Actress Phylicia Rashad who turned 61 today. She celebrated with a footrub from Bill Cosby.

A new study found that women aged 25-39 are the most frequent users of digital video recorders... Industry experts were amazed by the statistic especially since DVR's don't vibrate.

In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest. Parishioners say her arrest finally explains the "other" opening in the confessional booth wall.

Dodgers manager Joe Torre earned his 2,195th major league win last night - placing him 5th all time on the regular season wins list. Wow, can you believe that?... Now managers are even juicing.

6/18/09

2009-06-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel are separating after nearly five years of marriage... Friends of the couple say he's the one "Movin' Out!"

... Friends weren't surprised by the news because they say lately Joel's been "Under Pressure!"

Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose during the opening number last week. Apparently he decided getting tied up in a bunch red type with the producers of the Tony's was just way too kinky.

Happy birthday to Sir Paul McCartney who turned 67 years old yesterday. He celebrated into the wee hours of the morning until the party was broken up by Yoko Ono.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall Wednesday. Doctors say it could've been a lot worse, she could've broken one of her "cankles".