Happy Birthday to comedy legend Robin Williams. He was so excited to
turn 58 years old, all 7000 hairs on his arms stood up.
President Obama called on bloggers Monday to keep pressure on Congress
about passing the healthcare reform bill. Perez Hilton immediately
agreed to help since a new healthcare bill would cover him the next
time he gets punched by Will.I.Am's manager.
Former Miss California Carrie Prejean will publish a memoir called
“Still Standing" - which is not to be confused with Sarah Palin's
memoir, "No Longer Feel Like Standing."
Twitter has made $48 million over the last month as a result of all
the publicity it's received in the media. But that's nothing compared
to how much money Myspace makes every time one of its users appears on
"To Catch a Predator".
A bra once worn by Marilyn Monroe sold at auction in London for $5,200
- or 3,145 pounds - which coincidentally is how much one of Aretha
Franklin's bras can hold.
A man in Canada was arrested for driving a speeding car while watching
a porno movie on DVD. When the cop pulled him over he asked the man,
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going" and then said, "you know
what, don't answer that."
A man in Canada was arrested for driving a speeding car while watching
a porno movie on DVD. When the cop approached the car and knocked on
the window, the man said, "gimme a minute sir... gimme a minute!!!"
President Obama admitted in an interview on the TODAY show that the
jeans he wore at the All Star Game made him look - “a little frumpy."
But it's not his fault, before the game he asked Joe Biden, "Do these
jeans make me look frumpy?" and Biden said he looked great.
Top democrats in Congress warned President Obama today that he’s starting to
sound too much like George W. Bush. To which Obama responded, "I have
more important things to worry about like "Nu-cu-lar" war."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
7/20/09
In celebrity real estate news, Jon Gosselin has moved into an
apartment on New York City's Upper West Side. It's only a two-bedroom
apartment, but don't worry - there's more than enough room for all
8... hundred of his Ed Hardy T Shirts.
You hear about this, completion of the International Space Station has
been put in jeopardy because one of the station’s toilets is clogged.
Apparently someone on board took, "one giant crap for Mankind."
Sad news in Denver, an American Idol hopeful left his dog in a hot car
while he was auditioning for the show - and the poor dog passed away.
What a sad story... Witnesses say they did hear what sounded like a
crying dog but just thought it was coming from inside the audition
room.
Sad news in Denver, an American Idol hopeful left his dog in a hot car
while he was auditioning for the show - and the poor dog passed away.
Unfortunately, nobody thought anything was wrong when Randy Jackson
kept saying, "yo, that dog sounds hot!"
Happy Birthday to guitar legend Carlos Santana. A bunch of his
musician friends took him to dinner and when Santana tried to pay the
bill, Rob Thomas told him, he can "FORGET ABOUT IT." (Singing)
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in India where she said the U.S.
plans to build two new nuclear power plants there. It's a boon for the
Indian economy because it will be designed, built, and run entirely by
Indian workers... but the IT department - all Americans.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in India where she announced the
U.S. plans to build two new nuclear power plants there. President
Obama tried calling to congratulate her on the announcement but was
put on hold for two hours.
apartment on New York City's Upper West Side. It's only a two-bedroom
apartment, but don't worry - there's more than enough room for all
8... hundred of his Ed Hardy T Shirts.
You hear about this, completion of the International Space Station has
been put in jeopardy because one of the station’s toilets is clogged.
Apparently someone on board took, "one giant crap for Mankind."
Sad news in Denver, an American Idol hopeful left his dog in a hot car
while he was auditioning for the show - and the poor dog passed away.
What a sad story... Witnesses say they did hear what sounded like a
crying dog but just thought it was coming from inside the audition
room.
Sad news in Denver, an American Idol hopeful left his dog in a hot car
while he was auditioning for the show - and the poor dog passed away.
Unfortunately, nobody thought anything was wrong when Randy Jackson
kept saying, "yo, that dog sounds hot!"
Happy Birthday to guitar legend Carlos Santana. A bunch of his
musician friends took him to dinner and when Santana tried to pay the
bill, Rob Thomas told him, he can "FORGET ABOUT IT." (Singing)
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in India where she said the U.S.
plans to build two new nuclear power plants there. It's a boon for the
Indian economy because it will be designed, built, and run entirely by
Indian workers... but the IT department - all Americans.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in India where she announced the
U.S. plans to build two new nuclear power plants there. President
Obama tried calling to congratulate her on the announcement but was
put on hold for two hours.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
LATEST JOKE ON LATE NIGHT - 7/17/09
***Happy 57th Birthday to David Hasselhoff. His family surprised him with
dinner at his favorite restaurant: The Floor.***
Happy 57th Birthday to David Hasselhoff. He spent the day with his
family, who joined him on the floor for some birthday cake.
Did you hear this? NASA accidentally erased footage of the Apollo 11
moon landing but they're having it digitally restored by Hollywood
editors. NASA says the images of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the moon
have never looked clearer... especially the part where he transforms
into a Ferrari.
dinner at his favorite restaurant: The Floor.***
Happy 57th Birthday to David Hasselhoff. He spent the day with his
family, who joined him on the floor for some birthday cake.
Did you hear this? NASA accidentally erased footage of the Apollo 11
moon landing but they're having it digitally restored by Hollywood
editors. NASA says the images of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the moon
have never looked clearer... especially the part where he transforms
into a Ferrari.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
7/15/09
In science news, researchers in Britain claim to have created human sperm from embryonic stem cells for the first time ever. They were so excited by thier accomplishment, they all went home and created more sperm.
I'm sure you guys have all heard by now, looks like Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has broken up with Jessica Simpson after reportedly finding text messages in Simpson's cell phone from John Mayer. Now, Mayer is denying the whole thing but his face is telling a completely different story. (John Mayer guitar solo faces)
Tomorrow Nintendo is turning Times Square into a tropical recreation of the Wii Sports Resort's "Wuhu Island". It's gonna be awesome, there's gonna be a beach, a swimming pool, and a Tropical Lounge whereyou can get Wii Drunk.
... I'm hoping to make it over there... unless I get stuck in Wii Traffic.
... Something like this never would have been possible 20 years ago but thankfully Giuliani got rid of all the Wii Prostitutes.
Did you hear this, the state of New York plans to invest $1 million in new typewriters for use by the NYPD? It's not just typewriters either, the money will also cover replacing walkie-talkies with Dixie Cups and string.
I'm sure you guys have all heard by now, looks like Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has broken up with Jessica Simpson after reportedly finding text messages in Simpson's cell phone from John Mayer. Now, Mayer is denying the whole thing but his face is telling a completely different story. (John Mayer guitar solo faces)
Tomorrow Nintendo is turning Times Square into a tropical recreation of the Wii Sports Resort's "Wuhu Island". It's gonna be awesome, there's gonna be a beach, a swimming pool, and a Tropical Lounge whereyou can get Wii Drunk.
... I'm hoping to make it over there... unless I get stuck in Wii Traffic.
... Something like this never would have been possible 20 years ago but thankfully Giuliani got rid of all the Wii Prostitutes.
Did you hear this, the state of New York plans to invest $1 million in new typewriters for use by the NYPD? It's not just typewriters either, the money will also cover replacing walkie-talkies with Dixie Cups and string.
7/13-7/14
Tonight was the 80th annual Major League All-Star game at Busch Stadium in St. Louis and President Obama threw out the first pitch to Cardinals First Baseman Albert Pujols. Yeah after Pujols caught the ball he threw out Bernie Madoff trying to steal second base.
Lauren Conrad, star of the MTV’s The Hills, has topped the children’s NewYork Times Bestsellers list with her book, “LA Candy.” Not to be outdone, Spencer Pratt is getting rave reviews for his new line of designer douche bags.
A woman in a Tampa hotel bathroom was accidentally shot in the leg while sitting on the toilet when a gun discharged in the stall next to her. Don't worry folks, she's ok, but the whole incident scared the crap out of her.
Guess what everybody, today is National French Fries Day – which iswhy if you emailed Michael Moore today you received an “out-of-office”reply.
Fortune Magazine has ranked “Zips” – a virtual zipper – as the dumbest iPhone application. As for Fortune’s pick for the most painful app:“Caught in Your Zips.”
A hippo that once belonged to drug lord Pablo Escobar was shot and killed by police in Colombia. Apparently Columbians have a whole different set of rules when they play, “Hungry, Hungry, Hippo.”
The National Health Service of Britain is under fire for promoting anorgasm-a-day to schoolchildren. You know what they say, “an orgasm aday keeps the… parents locked out of the bathroom.”
Morgan Freeman has reportedly been romantically involved with his27-year-old step-granddaughter for the last ten years. That means when their relationship started she was only 17 years old. Uh-oh, sounds like someone could be goin’ back to Shawshank!
Ryan Seacrest is in talks to extend his job as host of “American Idol”for three more years – and to give him a significant pay raise… and we’ll find out just how much that raise is going to be… AFTER the break.
A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as shewas texting while walking. Boy, that’s a text message no parent ever wants to receive, “FDMT” – Fell Down a Manhole Texting.
Lauren Conrad, star of the MTV’s The Hills, has topped the children’s NewYork Times Bestsellers list with her book, “LA Candy.” Not to be outdone, Spencer Pratt is getting rave reviews for his new line of designer douche bags.
A woman in a Tampa hotel bathroom was accidentally shot in the leg while sitting on the toilet when a gun discharged in the stall next to her. Don't worry folks, she's ok, but the whole incident scared the crap out of her.
Guess what everybody, today is National French Fries Day – which iswhy if you emailed Michael Moore today you received an “out-of-office”reply.
Fortune Magazine has ranked “Zips” – a virtual zipper – as the dumbest iPhone application. As for Fortune’s pick for the most painful app:“Caught in Your Zips.”
A hippo that once belonged to drug lord Pablo Escobar was shot and killed by police in Colombia. Apparently Columbians have a whole different set of rules when they play, “Hungry, Hungry, Hippo.”
The National Health Service of Britain is under fire for promoting anorgasm-a-day to schoolchildren. You know what they say, “an orgasm aday keeps the… parents locked out of the bathroom.”
Morgan Freeman has reportedly been romantically involved with his27-year-old step-granddaughter for the last ten years. That means when their relationship started she was only 17 years old. Uh-oh, sounds like someone could be goin’ back to Shawshank!
Ryan Seacrest is in talks to extend his job as host of “American Idol”for three more years – and to give him a significant pay raise… and we’ll find out just how much that raise is going to be… AFTER the break.
A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as shewas texting while walking. Boy, that’s a text message no parent ever wants to receive, “FDMT” – Fell Down a Manhole Texting.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Week of 7/6/09
Michael Moore has announced the name of his latest documentary, it's called "Capitalism, A Love Story" - Which is not to be confused with his memoir, "Twinkies, A Love Story."
Investigators into the death of Michael Jackson are still in possession of the singer’s brain - Which is disappointing news for all the zombies from the "Thriller" video.
On Good Morning America Michael Jackson’s long-time dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein said that he is not the father of Jackson’s children. It’s unclear how credible Klein’s statement is however, since he’s the guy who for the past 25 years has been telling Jackson, “No, no, your skin looks good”…
Google announced today that its email application Gmail is finally out of the “Beta” stage. Users celebrated by Googling what the hell that means.
Joyce Dewitt who played Janet on the 70’s sitcom “Three’s Company” was busted for DUI this week. I’m just glad police stopped her before she could “come and CRASH through my door…” (Singing)
… But in her defense, the Regal Beagle does have an excellent Happy Hour.
Friday, July 3, 2009
6/26/09
Sad news, I'm sure you've all heard... the King of Pop Michael Jackson
passed away yesterday... He'll be immortalized by rhythmless white
guys on dance floors everywhere.
Critics of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” insist that two
robots in the film portray stereotypically black characters. One has a
gold tooth and the other is named "Madea."
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford met with his wife, Jenny, for the
first time on Thursday since admitting his affair with a woman in
Argentina. The meeting got off to a bad start when Sanford broke the
ice by telling his wife he missed her tan lines.
During Mark Sanford's press conference Wednesday where he admitted to
cheating on his wife, Fox News incorrectly identified the Republican
Governor as a Democrat. Meanwhile the Travel Channel identified
Sanford as their, "Man of the Year."
19-year-old “Harry Potter” star Daniel Radcliffe said he prefers
dating older women – because girls his own age are too much work.
Which explains the title of his next movie: "Harry Potter and the Low
Maintenance MILF".
A new study finds that texting and driving is worse than drinking and
driving. The study also found that "sexting" in the back seat is more
uncomfortable than having sex in the back seat.
Scientists believe that an extract from coffee can kill the bacteria
that causes bad breath. Unfortunately it can do nothing for "coffee
breath."
Did you hear this, Gloria Estefan will become part owner of the Miami
Dolphins? Her first act as co-owner: Changing the team's name to "the
Miami Sound Machine".
Happy birthday to "Lost" creator J.J. Abrams who turned 43 years old
today. When he blew out the candles on his cake... the smoke picked
him up and threw him across the room.
Ruth Madoff was seen riding the F train in New York yesterday. She
said she likes riding the subway because it makes her feel like she's
in prison with her husband.
passed away yesterday... He'll be immortalized by rhythmless white
guys on dance floors everywhere.
Critics of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” insist that two
robots in the film portray stereotypically black characters. One has a
gold tooth and the other is named "Madea."
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford met with his wife, Jenny, for the
first time on Thursday since admitting his affair with a woman in
Argentina. The meeting got off to a bad start when Sanford broke the
ice by telling his wife he missed her tan lines.
During Mark Sanford's press conference Wednesday where he admitted to
cheating on his wife, Fox News incorrectly identified the Republican
Governor as a Democrat. Meanwhile the Travel Channel identified
Sanford as their, "Man of the Year."
19-year-old “Harry Potter” star Daniel Radcliffe said he prefers
dating older women – because girls his own age are too much work.
Which explains the title of his next movie: "Harry Potter and the Low
Maintenance MILF".
A new study finds that texting and driving is worse than drinking and
driving. The study also found that "sexting" in the back seat is more
uncomfortable than having sex in the back seat.
Scientists believe that an extract from coffee can kill the bacteria
that causes bad breath. Unfortunately it can do nothing for "coffee
breath."
Did you hear this, Gloria Estefan will become part owner of the Miami
Dolphins? Her first act as co-owner: Changing the team's name to "the
Miami Sound Machine".
Happy birthday to "Lost" creator J.J. Abrams who turned 43 years old
today. When he blew out the candles on his cake... the smoke picked
him up and threw him across the room.
Ruth Madoff was seen riding the F train in New York yesterday. She
said she likes riding the subway because it makes her feel like she's
in prison with her husband.
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