Division One school Manhattan College signed a one-handed center to its basketball team last week. Despite his handicap, the kid has an amazing hook shot.
Happy Birthday to Diff'rent Strokes Actor Todd Bridges who turned 44today. Nowadays if you ask him, "What you talkin' 'bout Willis" the answer usually has to do with his prostate.
President Obama is in Las Vegas to promote Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. He'll attend a fundraiser that's $500 a plate... and $100 adance.
... to show his support for the pick Tom Jones will stuff his pants with a gavel.
... to show their support for the pick all the hookers will wear fishnet robes.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
5/26/09
President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic
justice for the Supreme Court. She's was raised in the Bronx and is
considered a Centrist... which basically means if you disagree with
her, she will cut you!
California's Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8 - the ban on gay
marriage. But the decision isn't final because in California once the
Supreme Court upholds a decision, it still needs approval from Donald
Trump.
Canadian pop singer Bernard Lachance has received a record deal after
his appearance on Oprah. Even more amazing, so did everyone in the
audience!
Anderson Cooper’s ratings on CNN have dropped 30% since President
Obama took office in January. As a result his nightly show will now be
called: Anderson Cooper 252.
On Monday night’s episode of “The Hills,” Heidi Montag invited her
frenemy Lauren Conrad to her wedding. If she attends, word is she'll
be seated next to Spencer's goatee.
An artist drew this week’s cover of “The New Yorker” using Brushes –
an iPhone application. Not only is the cover the result of an iPhone
app but I laughed so hard at the New Yorker cartoon, I accidentally
iFarted!
A French company is trying to bring a car powered by compressed air to
the United States by 2011. It sounds like a good idea but critics warn
that the engine can be "silent but deadly."
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said Monday that his country
will consider accepting former detainees from Guantanamo Bay. He said
he's most open to accepting those prisoners who endured waterboarding
because he likes his detainees "al dente."
A man from Kenya won the L.A. Marathon on Monday in 2 hours 8 minutes
24 seconds – a record time. It's the fastest anyone in LA has ever
gotten anywhere.
justice for the Supreme Court. She's was raised in the Bronx and is
considered a Centrist... which basically means if you disagree with
her, she will cut you!
California's Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8 - the ban on gay
marriage. But the decision isn't final because in California once the
Supreme Court upholds a decision, it still needs approval from Donald
Trump.
Canadian pop singer Bernard Lachance has received a record deal after
his appearance on Oprah. Even more amazing, so did everyone in the
audience!
Anderson Cooper’s ratings on CNN have dropped 30% since President
Obama took office in January. As a result his nightly show will now be
called: Anderson Cooper 252.
On Monday night’s episode of “The Hills,” Heidi Montag invited her
frenemy Lauren Conrad to her wedding. If she attends, word is she'll
be seated next to Spencer's goatee.
An artist drew this week’s cover of “The New Yorker” using Brushes –
an iPhone application. Not only is the cover the result of an iPhone
app but I laughed so hard at the New Yorker cartoon, I accidentally
iFarted!
A French company is trying to bring a car powered by compressed air to
the United States by 2011. It sounds like a good idea but critics warn
that the engine can be "silent but deadly."
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said Monday that his country
will consider accepting former detainees from Guantanamo Bay. He said
he's most open to accepting those prisoners who endured waterboarding
because he likes his detainees "al dente."
A man from Kenya won the L.A. Marathon on Monday in 2 hours 8 minutes
24 seconds – a record time. It's the fastest anyone in LA has ever
gotten anywhere.
Friday, May 22, 2009
5/22/09 - THIRD JOKE ON FALLON
LATEST JOKE ON LATE NIGHT!
***It’s Memorial Day weekend – which marks the unofficial start of
summer. I love this time of year: bbq's, pool parites, Hillary Clinton
breaks out her bikini pant suits...***
The 93rd annual Indy 500 race is this weekend. You got Dario
Franchitti, Helio Castroneves, Marco Andretti... all racing to try to
have sex with Danica Patrick.
AAA is forecasting that 1.5% more Americans will drive this Memorial Day
weekend compared to 2008. That makes sense considering this year
there's more people living in their cars.
Thousands of active military personnel, dressed in their uniforms,
have converged on New York City to celebrate “Fleet Week”. It also
marks the one time of year when it's cool for drunk chicks to ask
servicemen, "Can I wear your hat? C'mon, let me where your hat!"
American Idol judge Kara Dioguardi surprised “Bikini Girl” by crashing her
performance and stripping down to a bikini on the finale. Bikini Girl
said she was just glad she was singing Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love"
when it happened and not that song Dioguardi wrote...
American Idol judge Kara Dioguardi surprised “Bikini Girl” by crashing her
performance and stripping down to a bikini on the finale. Randy called
the surprise, "the bomb," Simon gave it two thumbs up," and... Paula
almost moved one of her thumbs...
5/21/09
In his new memoir, Larry King revealed that he has a long-lost son, a 47-year-old man named --- Larry King, Jr. Apparently King Jr. had tried to contact his father many times by calling him on the air but he never got thru... all he ever heard was... "Larry King Jr fromPeoria Illinois, you're on the air, hello, Larry King JUNIOR, hello!"
In a huge upset - Kris Allen from Arkansas was voted this year's AmericanIdol - beating out the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. Backstage Lambert was seen crying but he said he just had something in his eyeliner.
... Judge, Kara DioGuari was so upset about the outcome she wrote asong about it that everyone hated.
Did you see how many guest appearances there were on the Idol finalelast night? Kiss, Queen, Rod Stewart, Lionel Ritchie... it was a who's who! Actually, that's what they were all asking each other backstage,"Who's who? What's going on? Where am I?"
The Pentagon reports that 1 out of every 7 detainees released fromGuantanamo Bay has returned to terrorism. Pentagon officials arecalling it: "Brett Favre syndrome."
Happy Birthday to Mr. T who turned 57 years old today. Instead of blowing out the candles on his birthday cake he just pitied them out.
Seven New Yorkers were indicted on charges of running a 24-hour prostitution ring on Craigslist. It was the only place on the Internet where you could pay for a hooker and a used mattress all at the same time.
President Obama plans to sign new credit card legislation that would require people under 21 to prove they can repay their bill. But don't worry kids, the new law would allow the use of iPods and Twilight books as collateral.
Sad news tonight... Wayne Allwine, the actor who voiced Mickey Mousefor more than 30 years, died yesterday. His family says he'll befrozen right alongside Walt Disney.
Astronauts aboard the international space station celebrated a space first on Wednesday by drinking water that had been recycled from theirurine. Jeez, I'd hate to know how they make astronaut ice cream!
In a huge upset - Kris Allen from Arkansas was voted this year's AmericanIdol - beating out the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. Backstage Lambert was seen crying but he said he just had something in his eyeliner.
... Judge, Kara DioGuari was so upset about the outcome she wrote asong about it that everyone hated.
Did you see how many guest appearances there were on the Idol finalelast night? Kiss, Queen, Rod Stewart, Lionel Ritchie... it was a who's who! Actually, that's what they were all asking each other backstage,"Who's who? What's going on? Where am I?"
The Pentagon reports that 1 out of every 7 detainees released fromGuantanamo Bay has returned to terrorism. Pentagon officials arecalling it: "Brett Favre syndrome."
Happy Birthday to Mr. T who turned 57 years old today. Instead of blowing out the candles on his birthday cake he just pitied them out.
Seven New Yorkers were indicted on charges of running a 24-hour prostitution ring on Craigslist. It was the only place on the Internet where you could pay for a hooker and a used mattress all at the same time.
President Obama plans to sign new credit card legislation that would require people under 21 to prove they can repay their bill. But don't worry kids, the new law would allow the use of iPods and Twilight books as collateral.
Sad news tonight... Wayne Allwine, the actor who voiced Mickey Mousefor more than 30 years, died yesterday. His family says he'll befrozen right alongside Walt Disney.
Astronauts aboard the international space station celebrated a space first on Wednesday by drinking water that had been recycled from theirurine. Jeez, I'd hate to know how they make astronaut ice cream!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
5/20/09
Michael Vick was released from Federal prison today. When asked about
returning to the NFL, Vick said he plans to,
"work like a... " -- He said he plans to, "fight like a..." -- He said
he plans to work really hard.
A 4.1 aftershock hit Los Angeles on Tuesday afternoon and was felt 120
miles away in San Diego. The aftershock was so big Manny Ramirez said
he felt it in his ovaries.
At least four inmates at Rikers Island have tested positive for swine
flu... which confirms a theory held by some health officials that the
swine flu can be spread from person to bitch.
At least 250 gyms and fitness centers have been established in Baghdad
since the 2003 U.S. invasion. This probably explains why some are
calling Baghdad the Long Island of the Middle East.
At least 75% of the people who took the Massachusetts teacher’s exam
this year failed the math section. But in their defense those math
questions are, "wicked haaaaaaard."
The Somali teenager who commandeered an American cargo ship in April
was indicted Tuesday on multiple piracy charges. His bail was set at
20 chests full of gold coins.
returning to the NFL, Vick said he plans to,
"work like a... " -- He said he plans to, "fight like a..." -- He said
he plans to work really hard.
A 4.1 aftershock hit Los Angeles on Tuesday afternoon and was felt 120
miles away in San Diego. The aftershock was so big Manny Ramirez said
he felt it in his ovaries.
At least four inmates at Rikers Island have tested positive for swine
flu... which confirms a theory held by some health officials that the
swine flu can be spread from person to bitch.
At least 250 gyms and fitness centers have been established in Baghdad
since the 2003 U.S. invasion. This probably explains why some are
calling Baghdad the Long Island of the Middle East.
At least 75% of the people who took the Massachusetts teacher’s exam
this year failed the math section. But in their defense those math
questions are, "wicked haaaaaaard."
The Somali teenager who commandeered an American cargo ship in April
was indicted Tuesday on multiple piracy charges. His bail was set at
20 chests full of gold coins.
5/19/09
Happy birthday to ZZ Top co-frontman Dusty Hill who turned 60 years
old today. He said he knew he was getting old when he found 7000 gray
hairs in his beard.
Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s
secret bunker. It's some place you'd never think to look for Joe
Biden... the "Quiet Car" on the Amtrak train.
Mel Gibson’s Russian singer girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with
his baby. Gibson is said to be so excited he's already started
building a manger.
The entire cast of the Cosby Show reunited this morning on the Today
Show. Everybody got along until Al Roker accidentally ate half of
Cosby's hero sandwich.
Every finale this season seems to be ending the same way: On “24,”
Jack Bauer is fighting for his life. On “Grey’s Anatomy,” Izzy is
fighting for her life... and on "American Idol" Paula is fighting with
Simon Cowell.
... On "The Biggest Loser," all the contestants are fighting over a Hot Pocket.
... On "John and Kate Plus 8" John and Kate are fighting over which
four kids each one gets in the divorce.
... On NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs is fighting for... I have no idea,
never seen the show.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. When cops told him he could have killed
someone and asked what the hell he was thinking, "Jerry Seinfeld said,
"What? Nooooo! No Kill! Snap, crackle, pop... no kill!"
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon called Denver Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke a
"bad businessman" for booking a wrestling show at the Pepsi Center on
the same day the Nuggets are supposed to play game 4 of the NBA
playoffs. McMahon better be careful, if he keeps talking like this he
could wind up in the "Kroenke Clutch!"
ABC canceled “Samantha Who,” starring Christina Applegate. The network
said it was too similar to a "Lost" spinoff they're launching called,
"The Smoke Monster, What the Fuck?"
In a recent interview, President Obama said his daughters going on
dates would be an issue because of the Secret Service guards
constantly surrounding them. He did recommend that if they do start
dating, not to kiss and tell that blabbermouth Joe Biden.
... Which is strange because it never stopped President Clinton.
New York City has shut down 16 schools because of the swine flu. The
closings have left many parents with no choice but to "home wedgie"
their kids.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. The man said he wanted to see which side
of Crispix stayed crunchier in a car accident.
old today. He said he knew he was getting old when he found 7000 gray
hairs in his beard.
Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s
secret bunker. It's some place you'd never think to look for Joe
Biden... the "Quiet Car" on the Amtrak train.
Mel Gibson’s Russian singer girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with
his baby. Gibson is said to be so excited he's already started
building a manger.
The entire cast of the Cosby Show reunited this morning on the Today
Show. Everybody got along until Al Roker accidentally ate half of
Cosby's hero sandwich.
Every finale this season seems to be ending the same way: On “24,”
Jack Bauer is fighting for his life. On “Grey’s Anatomy,” Izzy is
fighting for her life... and on "American Idol" Paula is fighting with
Simon Cowell.
... On "The Biggest Loser," all the contestants are fighting over a Hot Pocket.
... On "John and Kate Plus 8" John and Kate are fighting over which
four kids each one gets in the divorce.
... On NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs is fighting for... I have no idea,
never seen the show.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. When cops told him he could have killed
someone and asked what the hell he was thinking, "Jerry Seinfeld said,
"What? Nooooo! No Kill! Snap, crackle, pop... no kill!"
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon called Denver Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke a
"bad businessman" for booking a wrestling show at the Pepsi Center on
the same day the Nuggets are supposed to play game 4 of the NBA
playoffs. McMahon better be careful, if he keeps talking like this he
could wind up in the "Kroenke Clutch!"
ABC canceled “Samantha Who,” starring Christina Applegate. The network
said it was too similar to a "Lost" spinoff they're launching called,
"The Smoke Monster, What the Fuck?"
In a recent interview, President Obama said his daughters going on
dates would be an issue because of the Secret Service guards
constantly surrounding them. He did recommend that if they do start
dating, not to kiss and tell that blabbermouth Joe Biden.
... Which is strange because it never stopped President Clinton.
New York City has shut down 16 schools because of the swine flu. The
closings have left many parents with no choice but to "home wedgie"
their kids.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. The man said he wanted to see which side
of Crispix stayed crunchier in a car accident.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
5/18/09
Congrats to Rachel Alexandra, the first female horse to win the Preakness in 85 years! Ann Coulter called it a victory for female horses everywhere.
Calvin Borel, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Kentucky Derby, switched to Rachel Alexandra for The Preakness on Saturday and won again! To keep his winning streak going, next up for Borel, he plans to ride LeBron James in the NBA finals.
A new Pew Study reveals that Republicans are happier than Democrats and seniors are happier than Baby Boomers. That makes sense. I mean, nothing makes me happier than firin' a gun and crappin' my pants.
Calvin Borel, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Kentucky Derby, switched to Rachel Alexandra for The Preakness on Saturday and won again! To keep his winning streak going, next up for Borel, he plans to ride LeBron James in the NBA finals.
A new Pew Study reveals that Republicans are happier than Democrats and seniors are happier than Baby Boomers. That makes sense. I mean, nothing makes me happier than firin' a gun and crappin' my pants.
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