When asked to explain how he spent his secret trip to South America,Governor Mark Sanford said, "I've spent the last five days crying in Argentina". Well, that does explain one thing: He's one of those dudes that cries after sex.
Did you read Gov. Sanford's emails to his mistress? In them he talks about her, "gentle kisses," her "tan lines," and "the curves of herhips." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "I feel your pain." (As Bill Clinton)
Rosie O'Donnell is returning to the airwaves everyone! She's gettingher own daily radio talk show on Sirius XL Radio... excuse me, XMRadio. Sorry.
A judge in New Jersey temporarily banned the former boyfriend ofDanielle Staub – from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” – fromreleasing a sex tape with her in it. From what I've heard though, youcan't see too much in the video because her bangs block the camera.
... The judge said the video can't be released unless the owner iswilling to pay royalties for all the Bon Jovi playing in thebackground.
"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" opened yesterday and brought in
over 60 million dollars - shattering the record for biggest Wednesday
opening in the history of Hollywood. Not only that, the movie also won the Oscar for "Best Picture This Week."
Apples has approved the sale of the 1st Soft-Core Porn App for iPhones
or iTouch. But guys, word of advice when using it... don't let your mom walk in on you while you're shaking your phone.
Wired magazine editor Chris Anderson admitted to using whole passagesfrom Wikipedia in his new book about free products on the Web. He saidhe learned it from Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Jennifer Lopez is shutting down her "Sweetface" clothing line due toeconomic restructuring. She'll replace it with a new clothing linenamed after her husband Marc Anthony called, "Skeleton Face."
President Obama "dis-invited" Iranian diplomats to Fourth of Julycelebrations in Washington, D.C. after the violent crackdown inTehran. He's also de-gifting the "Chipotle" gift cards he sent themfor Cinco De Mayo.
The Phoenix Suns traded Shaquille O'Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers yesterday, teaming him with Lebron James. In Phoenix they called him,"The Big Shaq-tus" but in Cleveland they'll probably just call him,"The Big... Dude Next to Lebron"
Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager, Polo Molina, afterhe punched the blogger outside a club in Toronto on Monday. Molina andthe Black Eyed Peas aren't backing down however, they said, "Let's get the trial started-d, let's get the trial started in he-ah!"
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
6/24/09
It was announced today that President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the major league All Star Game in July. And earlier in the weekend, Michele Obama will compete in the Home Run Derby.
A nine-year old boy in Utah says an episode of Man vs. Wild on the Discovery channel helped him survive a night alone in the woods. It's not the first time a TV show helped him out of a scary situation. He was once left alone in "the Hills" and survived by crashing in LC's pool house.
Phil Spector has been assigned to a "sensitive needs facility" in the prison where he's serving his 19-year sentence. It's just like regular prison but with better conditioner.
Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir – to be published in the spring of 2011. Cheney said his book would be out sooner but he has towrite President Bush's memoir first.
Did you hear Dick Cheney is writing a memoir about his time as Vice President? He's writing it himself, no ghostwriter... mostly because even ghosts are scared of Dick Cheney.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s surrogate gave birth totwin girls on Tuesday – Marion and Tabitha. So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome them both into the world... along with the other 27 million Marions and Tabithas that will be born this year.
Did you guys hear about the Japanese satellite that crashed into the moon on Tuesday? Authorities say an old Japanese woman was driving it.
An Ikea in Brooklyn is offering free day care for up to 45 minutes while parents shop. It's so much fun for the kids, they get to play on the "Jungle-Jojka", the "Merry-Go-Ryndviklab" and the "WeebleWobjorngornvyklaard."
A nine-year old boy in Utah says an episode of Man vs. Wild on the Discovery channel helped him survive a night alone in the woods. It's not the first time a TV show helped him out of a scary situation. He was once left alone in "the Hills" and survived by crashing in LC's pool house.
Phil Spector has been assigned to a "sensitive needs facility" in the prison where he's serving his 19-year sentence. It's just like regular prison but with better conditioner.
Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir – to be published in the spring of 2011. Cheney said his book would be out sooner but he has towrite President Bush's memoir first.
Did you hear Dick Cheney is writing a memoir about his time as Vice President? He's writing it himself, no ghostwriter... mostly because even ghosts are scared of Dick Cheney.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s surrogate gave birth totwin girls on Tuesday – Marion and Tabitha. So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome them both into the world... along with the other 27 million Marions and Tabithas that will be born this year.
Did you guys hear about the Japanese satellite that crashed into the moon on Tuesday? Authorities say an old Japanese woman was driving it.
An Ikea in Brooklyn is offering free day care for up to 45 minutes while parents shop. It's so much fun for the kids, they get to play on the "Jungle-Jojka", the "Merry-Go-Ryndviklab" and the "WeebleWobjorngornvyklaard."
6/23/09
Jon and Kate Gosselin – of Jon & Kate Plus 8 – have filed for divorce. Which is exciting news for all those dudes out there lookin' to date an annoying mother of 8.
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. Turns out blood sugar smells like a dog’s ass.
Dunkin Donuts unveiled an iPhone App, “Dunkin’ Run” which allows users to place orders online. It’s ironic since anyone ordering donuts online probably doesn’t run anywhere.
An earthquake struck outside Anchorage, Alaska on Monday morning. It registered a 5.4 on the Richter scale… and an “Oh gosh, you betcha that was scary” on the Palin Scale.
Scientists in Morocco discovered the remains of the oldest known elephant relative, dating back 60 million years. The remains were positively identified by, “Snuffaluffagus”.
During her visit to San Francisco on Monday, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. And if you don’t… she will physically make you!
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. Turns out blood sugar smells like a dog’s ass.
Dunkin Donuts unveiled an iPhone App, “Dunkin’ Run” which allows users to place orders online. It’s ironic since anyone ordering donuts online probably doesn’t run anywhere.
An earthquake struck outside Anchorage, Alaska on Monday morning. It registered a 5.4 on the Richter scale… and an “Oh gosh, you betcha that was scary” on the Palin Scale.
Scientists in Morocco discovered the remains of the oldest known elephant relative, dating back 60 million years. The remains were positively identified by, “Snuffaluffagus”.
During her visit to San Francisco on Monday, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. And if you don’t… she will physically make you!
6/22/09
Yesterday was Father's Day so to all the dad's out there, Happy Father's Day! And to all the guests of the Maury Povich Show, Happy "You Are Not the Father's" Day!
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club – after Republicans questioned her membership. Next on the GOP's list: Getting Sasha and Malia Obama to resign from the Burger King Kid's Club.
No one was injured when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in L.A. on Friday because of smoke in the cockpit. Next time he has to fly, Schwarzenegger says he'll probably just take, "THE CHOPPER!"
It was revealed over the weekend that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave in January. Doctors say unlike his old liver, now his new one can take videos and cut n' paste.
It's official, Gisele Bundchen is pregnant and will give birth early next year. Husband Tom Brady said he can't wait to witness Gisele experience the miracle of childbirth... And her gynocologist said, "neither can I."
Oprah is paying for her entire staff and their families to go on a $5,400 a person, Mediterranean cruise to Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy and Malta. Oooh I wonder where she got that idea??? Maybe the $20 Booze Cruise to New Jersey I'm taking my staff on? Nice try Oprah!
Portugal will reportedly accept “two or three prisoners” from Guantanamo Bay. In return America will receive a prisoner to be named later.
The federal government will conduct a nearly half a million-dollar study in order to find out why men prefer not to wear condoms during sex. Here's how the budget for the study breaks down: $20 bucks for "research" and $499, 980 to pay the guy who has to write down all the reasons.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will make a full recovery after having a successful surgery to repair her broken right elbow on Friday. Unfortunately she's right handed so now she'll have to learn how to give Bill the finger with her left hand.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club – after Republicans questioned her membership. Next on the GOP's list: Getting Sasha and Malia Obama to resign from the Burger King Kid's Club.
No one was injured when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in L.A. on Friday because of smoke in the cockpit. Next time he has to fly, Schwarzenegger says he'll probably just take, "THE CHOPPER!"
It was revealed over the weekend that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave in January. Doctors say unlike his old liver, now his new one can take videos and cut n' paste.
It's official, Gisele Bundchen is pregnant and will give birth early next year. Husband Tom Brady said he can't wait to witness Gisele experience the miracle of childbirth... And her gynocologist said, "neither can I."
Oprah is paying for her entire staff and their families to go on a $5,400 a person, Mediterranean cruise to Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy and Malta. Oooh I wonder where she got that idea??? Maybe the $20 Booze Cruise to New Jersey I'm taking my staff on? Nice try Oprah!
Portugal will reportedly accept “two or three prisoners” from Guantanamo Bay. In return America will receive a prisoner to be named later.
The federal government will conduct a nearly half a million-dollar study in order to find out why men prefer not to wear condoms during sex. Here's how the budget for the study breaks down: $20 bucks for "research" and $499, 980 to pay the guy who has to write down all the reasons.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will make a full recovery after having a successful surgery to repair her broken right elbow on Friday. Unfortunately she's right handed so now she'll have to learn how to give Bill the finger with her left hand.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
6/19/08
(ANOTHER POSSIBLE JOKE ON THE SHOW)
***Happy birthday to Paula Abdul who turned 47 years old today. When she blew her candles out, they registered a .08"***
Barack Obama wrote an article for Parade magazine urging fathers to step up admitting, "I have been an imperfect father, I have made mistakes." Yeah like that time he killed Malia's pet fly.
A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. You can also switch the dress to vibrate for when you're "sexting."
“The Hulk” star Lou Ferrigno is working as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer for his upcoming London concert series. Apparently Jackson wants his next color change to be to green.
... Apparently now Jackson wants to learn how to change his skin from white to green.
To celebrate the end of his 2-year driving ban for being caught behind the wheel high on marijuana – George Michael bought a $200,000 Ferrari California. It's an awesome car, it can "GO-GO" 0-60 in 4 seconds.
Happy Birthday to Actress Phylicia Rashad who turned 61 today. She celebrated with a footrub from Bill Cosby.
A new study found that women aged 25-39 are the most frequent users of digital video recorders... Industry experts were amazed by the statistic especially since DVR's don't vibrate.
In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest. Parishioners say her arrest finally explains the "other" opening in the confessional booth wall.
Dodgers manager Joe Torre earned his 2,195th major league win last night - placing him 5th all time on the regular season wins list. Wow, can you believe that?... Now managers are even juicing.
***Happy birthday to Paula Abdul who turned 47 years old today. When she blew her candles out, they registered a .08"***
Barack Obama wrote an article for Parade magazine urging fathers to step up admitting, "I have been an imperfect father, I have made mistakes." Yeah like that time he killed Malia's pet fly.
A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. You can also switch the dress to vibrate for when you're "sexting."
“The Hulk” star Lou Ferrigno is working as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer for his upcoming London concert series. Apparently Jackson wants his next color change to be to green.
... Apparently now Jackson wants to learn how to change his skin from white to green.
To celebrate the end of his 2-year driving ban for being caught behind the wheel high on marijuana – George Michael bought a $200,000 Ferrari California. It's an awesome car, it can "GO-GO" 0-60 in 4 seconds.
Happy Birthday to Actress Phylicia Rashad who turned 61 today. She celebrated with a footrub from Bill Cosby.
A new study found that women aged 25-39 are the most frequent users of digital video recorders... Industry experts were amazed by the statistic especially since DVR's don't vibrate.
In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest. Parishioners say her arrest finally explains the "other" opening in the confessional booth wall.
Dodgers manager Joe Torre earned his 2,195th major league win last night - placing him 5th all time on the regular season wins list. Wow, can you believe that?... Now managers are even juicing.
6/18/09
Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel are separating after nearly five years of marriage... Friends of the couple say he's the one "Movin' Out!"
... Friends weren't surprised by the news because they say lately Joel's been "Under Pressure!"
Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose during the opening number last week. Apparently he decided getting tied up in a bunch red type with the producers of the Tony's was just way too kinky.
Happy birthday to Sir Paul McCartney who turned 67 years old yesterday. He celebrated into the wee hours of the morning until the party was broken up by Yoko Ono.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall Wednesday. Doctors say it could've been a lot worse, she could've broken one of her "cankles".
... Friends weren't surprised by the news because they say lately Joel's been "Under Pressure!"
Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose during the opening number last week. Apparently he decided getting tied up in a bunch red type with the producers of the Tony's was just way too kinky.
Happy birthday to Sir Paul McCartney who turned 67 years old yesterday. He celebrated into the wee hours of the morning until the party was broken up by Yoko Ono.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall Wednesday. Doctors say it could've been a lot worse, she could've broken one of her "cankles".
6/17/09
Lindsay Lohan posted a topless self-portrait on Twitter yesterday. Unfortunately her hair was covering up her "tweets".
Can you believe all this rain we've been having? Mother Nature's acting so crazy, Al Roker asked her, "Are you proud of all this? Are you proud?"
The season premiere of HBO’s “True Blood” was watched by 3.7 million viewers – the most watched HBO show since “The Sopranos” season finale. When NBC heard this they immediately fired me and gave my job to Anna Paquin's boobs.
The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. No word yet on whether or not he got them from Manny Ramirez's OBGYN.
Big movie news, Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I know it's hard to believe but he's not "La-BLUFF'n".
Here's some good news... Construction of new homes in May jumped by 17.2 percent. Although to be clear, most of those homes were made out of refrigerator boxes.
Last night on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" former Idol contestant Sanjaya told the camp he's attracted to girls. So for the record: Sanjaya, straight. Adam Lambert, gay. Kelly Clarkson, straight. Ryan Seacrest... really short.
Starbucks recalled 530,000 coffee grinders because they can pose a risk by turning on unexpectedly. Yeah apparently Starbucks is haunted by all the time that's been killed there.
The Senate estimates the cost for new healthcare legislation at around $1.6 trillion. And that doesn't even cover universal healthcare... it just covers new magazine subscriptions for the waiting rooms...
Can you believe all this rain we've been having? Mother Nature's acting so crazy, Al Roker asked her, "Are you proud of all this? Are you proud?"
The season premiere of HBO’s “True Blood” was watched by 3.7 million viewers – the most watched HBO show since “The Sopranos” season finale. When NBC heard this they immediately fired me and gave my job to Anna Paquin's boobs.
The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. No word yet on whether or not he got them from Manny Ramirez's OBGYN.
Big movie news, Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I know it's hard to believe but he's not "La-BLUFF'n".
Here's some good news... Construction of new homes in May jumped by 17.2 percent. Although to be clear, most of those homes were made out of refrigerator boxes.
Last night on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" former Idol contestant Sanjaya told the camp he's attracted to girls. So for the record: Sanjaya, straight. Adam Lambert, gay. Kelly Clarkson, straight. Ryan Seacrest... really short.
Starbucks recalled 530,000 coffee grinders because they can pose a risk by turning on unexpectedly. Yeah apparently Starbucks is haunted by all the time that's been killed there.
The Senate estimates the cost for new healthcare legislation at around $1.6 trillion. And that doesn't even cover universal healthcare... it just covers new magazine subscriptions for the waiting rooms...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)