Week of 1/30/09

Mexican law enforcement officers arrested a dozen high-ranking government officials for alleged ties to a drug cartel in a raid codenamed “Operation Clean House.” So for those keeping score: That’s12 Mexican officials in jail, and millions of Mexican cleaning ladies scared shitless.

A region southwest of Anchorage, Alaska was rocked over the weekend by an earthquake, but luckily nobody was hurt. The quake registered 6.1 on the Richter scale but on the Palin scale, it registered an, “Oh gosh, you betcha that was scary.”

In his annual message for the World Day of Communication, Pope Benedict praised the social networking site Facebook as a "gift to humanity". At the end of his address, the Pope broke with tradition and instead of waving to the crowd of onlookers, he Superpoked them.

A celebrity-boxing match between admitted steroid user Jose Canseco and former child star Danny Bonaduce ended in a draw despite a noticeable size difference in the fight. To clarify, when I say “noticeable size difference” I’m not referring to the height of the fighters, I’m talking about the size of Conseco’s testicles.

George Bush’s twin daughters wrote Sasha and Malia Obama a note about what to expect while living in the Whitehouse. Some pieces of advice the Bush daughters offered included:
- “When your dad throws out the first pitch for the Yankees, go to the game.”
- “Slide down the banister of the solarium and play Sardines on the White House lawn.”
- And “When you dad is hiding under his desk from the Vice President, don’t blow his cover.”

Joe Torre’s new book about his tenure in New York named, “The Yankee Years” contains many shocking claims about Alex Rodriguez. Among them: Torre describes A-Rod as a prima donna, says his teammates called him “A-Fraud” and exposed Rodriguez’s pre-game ritual of standing in front of his locker and singing “Like a Virgin” into his comb.

Weekend

Sad news tonight, Juanita Smallwood Osborne, who became one of the first living organ donors when she gave a kidney to her ailing son in 1966, has died. Upon news of his mother’s death, Osbourne‘s son, Burl asked doctors, “Just curious, any chance I can get that other kidney now?”

Speaking on his impeachment, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich compared himself to an honest, hardworking cowboy about to be lynched by a band of black-hatted political insiders. When reached for comment Blagojevich’s hair asked, “Hey, can I borrow one of those hats?”

At the star-studded Kids' Inaugural Concert Sasha and Malia Obama celebrated their father’s new job by jumping on stage when the Jonas Brothers invited them up. Later they quickly jumped off stage when the Allman Brothers invited them backstage.

Actor Ralph Macchio isn't taking kindly to news that Will Smith’s10-year-old son Jaden is set to reprise the role of Daniel-san in the remake of 'The Karate Kid'. Macchio says he’s unsure where the romantic story arc could go with such a young actor adding, “he’s not even old enough to know how to wax on - wax off.”

New York Senator-designate Kirsten Gillibrand was introduced to Harlem residents at a weekly rally held by the Rev. Al Sharpton. In the most heart-warming moment of the day, Sharpton pointed out that the Congresswoman shared the same name as a woman in the crowd. The woman’s name: Gillibrand Jones.

1/23/09

Girl Scouts of America announced that due to rising baking costs this year some of their famous cookies will have to be resized... which is a nice way of telling Thin Mints that they're starting to look chubby.

1/22/09

After flubbing the oath of office during the inauguration, Chief Justice John Roberts was summoned to the White House a day later to re-deliver the oath to Obama in a rare do-over. So just in case former President Bush was wondering, do-overs are allowed. 

1/21/09

An overheated fryer at the McDonald's in DC's Union Station forced commuters to evacuate when smoke tripped an automatic fire extiguisher that released harmful gas into the air. This is the largest gas-related emptying of a McDonald's since the McRib sandwich was on the menu. 

1/20/09

Hours after being sworn in, President and  First Lady Obama danced the night away at a host of Inauguration Balls. Meanwhile George and Laura Bush were back at home in Texas admiring 8 years of having the biggest pair in the history of the world. 

1/20/09

Every passenger aboard the plane that crashed in the Hudson River last week learned that they'll each receive a check for $5000 from U.S. Airways since it will be months before any of their possessions can be recovered. Upon hearing the news of the payout the most frequently asked question by the recipients was, "that's a duty free five grand, right?"

1/19/09

While promoting his film "Valkyrie" in South Korea, Tom Cruise claimed his role in the movie fulfilled a childhood fantasy saying, "I've always wanted to kill Hitler." When reporters acted confused and reminded Cruise that the character he plays actually fails to kill the dictator in the movie, he laughed and blamed the confusion on his thick German accent. 

1/19/09

One perk of Barack Obama's new job that's drawing a lot of attention is the unveiling of the new Presidential limo he will ride in for the next four years. Secret Service agents call it "the Beast" and insiders joke that it's so heavily fortified it could stop an asteroid. Meanwhile the train Joe Biden will ride to the Whitehouse everyday looks like this: 

1/17/09

During a news conference for the start of the Australian Open, Tennis star Serena Williams admitted that due to the global financial crisis she was cutting back her spending on designer handbags and glitzy jewelry. Williams joins a long list of multi-millionaire athletes forced to tighten the purse strings lately including Pacman Jones who now only "makes it drizzle" when he attends strip clubs. 

1/16/09

Producers of the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow filed a grievance against actor Jeremy Piven for exiting the production prematurely due to what he called, "symptoms related to Mercury poisoning". Piven responded by calling the claims "absurd and outrageous" but had no comment regarding a similar grievance filed by his high school gym teacher for missing class due to "symptoms related to his period."

1/13/09

Speaking during her confirmation hearing for Secratary of State, Hillary Clinton said the Obama adminstration hopes to pursue a new approach with Iran charecterized by "an attitude of engagement." Isn't that just like woman, always trying to get engaged.

1/12/09

The big winner at last night's Golden Globes was the Bollywood smash success "Slumdog Millionaire" about an orphan boy who rises from poverty to become a champ on India's version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." When asked about the sweet smell of success, pretty much everyone associated with the film answered, "Curry."

1/11/09

President-elect Barack Obama is being urged by security advisors to give up his beloved Blackberry when he takes office in less than two weeks. Insiders say the President-elect is "still clinging" to the handheld device while nine out of ten Americans still think his Blackberry is really a Muslim-berry.