Lisa Wu-Hartwell, one of stars of the Real Housewives of Atlanta has lost her house due to foreclosure. On the brightside she's been cast in a new series called, the Real Housewives of the Holiday Inn.
The wife of Twitter’s CEO tweeted while in labor yesterday – saying“Dear Twitter, My water broke,” and “Epidural, yes please" - then during the birth she tweeted 140 F's in a row.
A 4-year-old girl from Queens was left on a Times Square subway platform for 15 minutes when her daycare teacher forgot about her. Don't worry, she's Ok, when authorities found her she was showing a homeless lady how to go potty like a big girl.
The president of Costa Rica, Oscar Arias has Swine Flu. But he says it's not a bad deal because it came with airfare and hotel all included.
Happy 46th birthday to rapper Sir-Mix-a-Lot. Or as his wife calls himever since he turned 40, Sir-Pees-a-Lot.
Congratulations to Sir-Mix-a-Lot who celebrated his 46th birthday today. At a party thrown in his honor, he performed a remix of his hit single "Baby Got Back" that he says celebrates the kind of women he hangs out with now called, "Baby Got Back Problems."
This is insane – a man from Pennsylvania was found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World – and was sentenced to pay a large fine and a write a letter of apology to the victim. He also had to write anapology to Mickey Mouse that started: Dear M-I-C-K-E-Y, why? ‘Cause I’m a pervert.
This is insane – a man from Pennsylvania was found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World – and was sentenced to pay a large fine and a write a letter of apology to the victim. In the apology the man wrote: “Dear Minnie, I apologize for my actions but I had just led the Pittsburgh Steelers to victory in the Super Bowl and…”
During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, PresidentObama mistakenly said that the AARP supports his health care plan –but it turns out they don’t. Great, just what we need, more confused old people.
Well it's the end of an era. MTV is leaving its studio in Times Squareat the end of the year because the rent is too expensive. Until they can find a new studio MTV will temporarily move into Lauren Conrad’spool house.
The details of Simon Cowell's new contract on American Idol were just released. He'll be making 45 million dollars a year. Combine that with Seacrest’s new 45 million dollar contract and the two of them can attend one Yankees game
Thursday, August 13, 2009
8/11/09
Happy 56th birthday to wrestling icon Hulk Hogan. Nowadays the onlygiant the Hulkster wrestles with is his prostate.
In response to a question from a student in Africa about what her husband thinks about an international financial matter, Hillary Clinton snapped and said she would not be “channeling” her husband when giving her opinions. Bill wasn't surprised, he said Hillary's never in the mood to "channel" with him.
A woman in New York became the first American to receive a Wi-Fi pacemaker – which allows doctors to monitor her heart over the Internet. Now her heart can function properly in Starbucks, McDonalds and my apartment about 30% of the time.
In an interview with the “Today” show yesterday, Kate Gosselin said that she still wears her wedding ring for the sake of her eight children. And Jon Gosselin said he wears Ed Hardy t-shirts every dayfor the sake of how awesome he looks in them.
Did you hear this: Sarah Palin says Obama’s healthcare bill would setup a "death panel" - where Federal bureaucrats would rule on whether ailing seniors are worth enough to society to deserve life-saving medical care. Oddly enough, “Death Panel” is also the name of Dick Cheney’s fantasy football team.
This is crazy, a Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at the Mona Lisa in Paris – luckily she did not damage the painting. She said she didn’t like the way that bitch was smiling at her.
Responding to wide-spread criticism - Nancy Pelosi and house leaders have cancelled the order for extra Gulfstream "private jets" to help shuttle around members of Congress. She said they’ll stick to how members of government usually travel… by lying about hiking in the Appalachians, then flying to Argentina.
After performing together for 20 years, Brooks and Dunn - one of the most successful acts in music history - will breakup next year. Apparently Dunn wanted Seacrest money.
Did you see Miley Cyrus’s performance of her song “Party in the USA” last night on the Teen Choice Awards? She wore short shorts, a tanktop, and biker boots and said of her raunchy dance routine, "This represents where I come from..." Then she cut her bangs, shaved the sides of her head, and showed off her new mullet.
In response to a question from a student in Africa about what her husband thinks about an international financial matter, Hillary Clinton snapped and said she would not be “channeling” her husband when giving her opinions. Bill wasn't surprised, he said Hillary's never in the mood to "channel" with him.
A woman in New York became the first American to receive a Wi-Fi pacemaker – which allows doctors to monitor her heart over the Internet. Now her heart can function properly in Starbucks, McDonalds and my apartment about 30% of the time.
In an interview with the “Today” show yesterday, Kate Gosselin said that she still wears her wedding ring for the sake of her eight children. And Jon Gosselin said he wears Ed Hardy t-shirts every dayfor the sake of how awesome he looks in them.
Did you hear this: Sarah Palin says Obama’s healthcare bill would setup a "death panel" - where Federal bureaucrats would rule on whether ailing seniors are worth enough to society to deserve life-saving medical care. Oddly enough, “Death Panel” is also the name of Dick Cheney’s fantasy football team.
This is crazy, a Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at the Mona Lisa in Paris – luckily she did not damage the painting. She said she didn’t like the way that bitch was smiling at her.
Responding to wide-spread criticism - Nancy Pelosi and house leaders have cancelled the order for extra Gulfstream "private jets" to help shuttle around members of Congress. She said they’ll stick to how members of government usually travel… by lying about hiking in the Appalachians, then flying to Argentina.
After performing together for 20 years, Brooks and Dunn - one of the most successful acts in music history - will breakup next year. Apparently Dunn wanted Seacrest money.
Did you see Miley Cyrus’s performance of her song “Party in the USA” last night on the Teen Choice Awards? She wore short shorts, a tanktop, and biker boots and said of her raunchy dance routine, "This represents where I come from..." Then she cut her bangs, shaved the sides of her head, and showed off her new mullet.
Monday, August 10, 2009
8/10/09
Congratulations to Cheech Marin who married his longtime girlfriend
this weekend. All the money from their wedding gifts will be placed in
a "joint" bank account.
President Obama met with the presidents of Canada and Mexico this
weekend to discuss a strategy for combating the swine flu epidemic.
The conversation took place over a few rounds of ice cold Robitussin.
... It's being billed as the first ever, "Tamiflu Summit."
An employee at an Oregon gas station discovered a mouse inside an ATM,
using $20 bills to build a nest. You believe this mouse, building a
nest out of $20 bills? Who's he think he is, Mickey?
... And you don't even want to know what he was doing with the $100 bills...
A prison inmate in Tennessee is suing the state, claiming that jail
officials lost his prosthetic leg. Lawyers for the state say his case
doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Officials at a Houston jail found a gun that an obese inmate hid in
the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches.
Which is why now, Plaxico Burress only goes to the club with offensive
linemen.
Just want to say, get well soon to Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. Last week
he broke his shoulder and needed stitches in his head after falling
from the stage during a concert. Witnesses say the fall didn't faze
Tyler, he was still "livin' it up while -- goin' dooooooooooown!"
(Singing)
this weekend. All the money from their wedding gifts will be placed in
a "joint" bank account.
President Obama met with the presidents of Canada and Mexico this
weekend to discuss a strategy for combating the swine flu epidemic.
The conversation took place over a few rounds of ice cold Robitussin.
... It's being billed as the first ever, "Tamiflu Summit."
An employee at an Oregon gas station discovered a mouse inside an ATM,
using $20 bills to build a nest. You believe this mouse, building a
nest out of $20 bills? Who's he think he is, Mickey?
... And you don't even want to know what he was doing with the $100 bills...
A prison inmate in Tennessee is suing the state, claiming that jail
officials lost his prosthetic leg. Lawyers for the state say his case
doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Officials at a Houston jail found a gun that an obese inmate hid in
the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches.
Which is why now, Plaxico Burress only goes to the club with offensive
linemen.
Just want to say, get well soon to Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. Last week
he broke his shoulder and needed stitches in his head after falling
from the stage during a concert. Witnesses say the fall didn't faze
Tyler, he was still "livin' it up while -- goin' dooooooooooown!"
(Singing)
8/7/09
When Sonia Sotomayor is sworn in tomorrow morning she'll become just
the third female to ever serve on the Supreme Court... or as Clarence
Thomas calls her, "fresh meat."
Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, are in South Carolina for
a weeklong vacation. But with Biden gone, it's really more of a
vacation for Obama.
A man in Kenya offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for her
daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage. The offer caused Hillary to
laugh... which scared away all the goats and cows.
Officials at a Houston jail found a gun that an obese inmate hid in
the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches.
It's the sweatiest gun cops have retrieved since the one that shot
Plaxico Burress.
A teacher in Malaysia forced a student to smoke 42 cigarettes in four
hours as punishment after finding a cigarette and lighter in his
locker. On the bright side the student just got cast in Madmen.
Did you see this, 51-year-old Sharon Stone posed topless on the cover
of Paris Match magazine? By the looks of the cover the topless
pictures have something to do with a recipe for flapjacks.
the third female to ever serve on the Supreme Court... or as Clarence
Thomas calls her, "fresh meat."
Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, are in South Carolina for
a weeklong vacation. But with Biden gone, it's really more of a
vacation for Obama.
A man in Kenya offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for her
daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage. The offer caused Hillary to
laugh... which scared away all the goats and cows.
Officials at a Houston jail found a gun that an obese inmate hid in
the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches.
It's the sweatiest gun cops have retrieved since the one that shot
Plaxico Burress.
A teacher in Malaysia forced a student to smoke 42 cigarettes in four
hours as punishment after finding a cigarette and lighter in his
locker. On the bright side the student just got cast in Madmen.
Did you see this, 51-year-old Sharon Stone posed topless on the cover
of Paris Match magazine? By the looks of the cover the topless
pictures have something to do with a recipe for flapjacks.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
8/5/09
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine... But if anyone can get her to
return it's Bill Clinton.
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She announced her departure on
Twitter in a statement that read: "It's with great regret that I..."
and then the rest was just q's and semicolons..
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She said she wants to work on a
show that really appreciates her talents... like the Rock of Love Bus.
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She said she wanted to spend more
time with her loved ones... Gin and Tonic
Well, it's official. Fox has confirmed that Paula Abdul will not
return as a judge on the upcoming ninth season of American Idol. Wow.
Poor Paula, losing a job like that has to be a bitter "bottle of
pills" to swallow.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sworn into office as President of the Islamic
Republic of Iran after winning a second term in a contested election.
He received the oath of office in a ceremony held in front of his
mirror.
Congratulations to Eli Manning of the New York Giants –he signed a $97
million contract, making him the highest paid player in the NFL.
That’s good news for his teammates because it means now Manning has
more lunch money for them to steal.
The North Korean State Media is reporting that Bill Clinton apologized
for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an
apology. In fact when asked point blank Clinton said, “I did not have
apologetic relations with that Prime Minister.” (As Clinton)
A Staten Island woman successfully sued Little League Baseball after
her son hurt his knee while attempting to slide into second base. The
woman received $125,000… but she was hoping for a new son.
A four-year-old boy in England was invited to join Mensa after he
scored a 144 on an IQ test. So let me be the first to say, "Welcome to
the club, mate!"
return as a judge for season nine... But if anyone can get her to
return it's Bill Clinton.
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She announced her departure on
Twitter in a statement that read: "It's with great regret that I..."
and then the rest was just q's and semicolons..
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She said she wants to work on a
show that really appreciates her talents... like the Rock of Love Bus.
Well, it's official, Paul Abdul has quit American Idol and will not
return as a judge for season nine. She said she wanted to spend more
time with her loved ones... Gin and Tonic
Well, it's official. Fox has confirmed that Paula Abdul will not
return as a judge on the upcoming ninth season of American Idol. Wow.
Poor Paula, losing a job like that has to be a bitter "bottle of
pills" to swallow.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sworn into office as President of the Islamic
Republic of Iran after winning a second term in a contested election.
He received the oath of office in a ceremony held in front of his
mirror.
Congratulations to Eli Manning of the New York Giants –he signed a $97
million contract, making him the highest paid player in the NFL.
That’s good news for his teammates because it means now Manning has
more lunch money for them to steal.
The North Korean State Media is reporting that Bill Clinton apologized
for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an
apology. In fact when asked point blank Clinton said, “I did not have
apologetic relations with that Prime Minister.” (As Clinton)
A Staten Island woman successfully sued Little League Baseball after
her son hurt his knee while attempting to slide into second base. The
woman received $125,000… but she was hoping for a new son.
A four-year-old boy in England was invited to join Mensa after he
scored a 144 on an IQ test. So let me be the first to say, "Welcome to
the club, mate!"
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
8/4/09
A new study revealed that use of antidepressant drugs in the UnitedStates has doubled. During the ten-year study the numbers went up, then down, then up, then down again…then WAY up!
Jessica Simpson has released her own line of lingerie that she says reflects the way she feels when she wakes up. The line is called,“Dumped.”
A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression - which finally explains all the bedwetting.
Bill Clinton met with Kim Jong-il during his visit to North Korea today to try and win the release of two female journalists serving a12-year prison sentence. During the negotiations Clinton and Jong-il found some common ground when Clinton said, “Nice pant suit, my wife has one just like it.”
This week is the 22nd Annual “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel. It coincides with Oxygen’s “Dance Your Ass Off” marathon called “WhaleWeek.”
Former New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was indicted on gun charges Monday – which pretty much guarantees that he doesn’t have a shot in the dark at avoiding jail time.
Next month The Los Angeles Dodgers will hold “Manny Ramirez Bobblehead Night.” Not only will the heads bobble but a voice will ask, “Do I look fat in this uniform?”
PayPal broke down for four hours yesterday – and was unable to process any transactions worldwide. Because of the crash, sales of old TV stands on Craigslist plummeted.
President Obama turned 48 years old today and to help him celebrate, a birthday lunch was held at the White House. In order to attend the lunch, everyone had to wear a special “Baggy” party hats.
Jessica Simpson has released her own line of lingerie that she says reflects the way she feels when she wakes up. The line is called,“Dumped.”
A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression - which finally explains all the bedwetting.
Bill Clinton met with Kim Jong-il during his visit to North Korea today to try and win the release of two female journalists serving a12-year prison sentence. During the negotiations Clinton and Jong-il found some common ground when Clinton said, “Nice pant suit, my wife has one just like it.”
This week is the 22nd Annual “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel. It coincides with Oxygen’s “Dance Your Ass Off” marathon called “WhaleWeek.”
Former New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was indicted on gun charges Monday – which pretty much guarantees that he doesn’t have a shot in the dark at avoiding jail time.
Next month The Los Angeles Dodgers will hold “Manny Ramirez Bobblehead Night.” Not only will the heads bobble but a voice will ask, “Do I look fat in this uniform?”
PayPal broke down for four hours yesterday – and was unable to process any transactions worldwide. Because of the crash, sales of old TV stands on Craigslist plummeted.
President Obama turned 48 years old today and to help him celebrate, a birthday lunch was held at the White House. In order to attend the lunch, everyone had to wear a special “Baggy” party hats.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
8/3/09
At his concert in Washington, D.C. this weekend, Paul McCartney dedicated the song “Michelle” to Michelle Obama – later on in the concert, he dedicated the song… “Help!” to President Obama’s healthcare plan.
A kindergarten teacher in Alaska posted on her blog that Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. Yeah, apparently she told him it was over in a long, rambling, 'it's not you, it's the media" speech.
Henry Louis Gates said he and Sergeant James Crowley may go to a RedSox game together. Here's how that will go: Gates will yell at the opposing pitcher, "Who taught ya your curve ball, yo mamma?!" and then Crowley will be like, "What'd you say about my momma? That's it, you're under arrest!"
After a successful beer summit with the President, Henry Louis Gatesand Sergeant James Crowley plan on going to a Boston Red Sox gametogether. Crowley said he’s available to go any night except Sundays…because that’s the night he usually arrests elderly Black college professors.
Senator John McCain has 1.1 million followers on Twitter which is about 200,000 more than the Obama administration. It's not the only area where McCain has Obama beat lately, he also has a much larger prostate.
LaGuardia Airport was evacuated for almost 4 hours on Saturday morning after a homeless man entered, claiming he had a bag filled with explosives. Turns out the only thing in the bag was an alarm clock taped to some poop.
A teenager in England tracked down a gang that stole his iPhone by using the new “Find My iPhone” app. After confronting the gang he had to use another new app, "Find Me a Hospital."
A kindergarten teacher in Alaska posted on her blog that Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. Yeah, apparently she told him it was over in a long, rambling, 'it's not you, it's the media" speech.
Henry Louis Gates said he and Sergeant James Crowley may go to a RedSox game together. Here's how that will go: Gates will yell at the opposing pitcher, "Who taught ya your curve ball, yo mamma?!" and then Crowley will be like, "What'd you say about my momma? That's it, you're under arrest!"
After a successful beer summit with the President, Henry Louis Gatesand Sergeant James Crowley plan on going to a Boston Red Sox gametogether. Crowley said he’s available to go any night except Sundays…because that’s the night he usually arrests elderly Black college professors.
Senator John McCain has 1.1 million followers on Twitter which is about 200,000 more than the Obama administration. It's not the only area where McCain has Obama beat lately, he also has a much larger prostate.
LaGuardia Airport was evacuated for almost 4 hours on Saturday morning after a homeless man entered, claiming he had a bag filled with explosives. Turns out the only thing in the bag was an alarm clock taped to some poop.
A teenager in England tracked down a gang that stole his iPhone by using the new “Find My iPhone” app. After confronting the gang he had to use another new app, "Find Me a Hospital."
7/31/09
Well, from all indications it looks like the White House Beer Summit yesterday between Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley was very productive. The only interruption came when Obama had to break the Presidential Seal.
Well, from all indications it looks like the White House Beer Summit yesterday between Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley was a complete success. The only hiccup came after Michele Obama shotgunned her beer.
You guys hear about this, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens has a breakfast cereal named after him called “T.O.’s Honey ToastedOats”. Each box contains crunchy oat clusters, honey toasted flakes, and real bits of Tony Romo's career.
Pope Benedict the 16th will release an album this fall where he sings prayers. He said he wasn’t sure an album was the right way to spread the gospel but everything came together once he got into the studio with Timbaland.
Pope Benedict the 16th will release an album this fall where he sings
prayers. He’ll promote the album by turning the Pope Mobile into a hype van.
President Obama will be on the cover of TIME magazine next week - the 12th time in 12 months. One more time and he’ll beat Dick Cheney’s record on Guns and Ammo
A new poll finds that only 42% of Republicans, 83% of Independents, and 93% of Democrats are sure Obama was born in the U.S. This is just crazy, just because he’s Muslim doesn’t mean he was born outside the US.
Happy birthday to Wesley Snipes. He turned 47 years old today...Unfortunately he owes the IRS 43 of them.
Yesterday Nancy Pelosi called insurance companies trying to kill President Obama's healthcare plan "villains". Wow, that's harsh especially coming from someone in Joker makeup.
A new report finds that the number of Americans who watched videos online nearly doubled in the last 3 years. And those numbers nearly doubled when the videos included Britney Spears exiting a limo.
Well, from all indications it looks like the White House Beer Summit yesterday between Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley was a complete success. The only hiccup came after Michele Obama shotgunned her beer.
You guys hear about this, Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens has a breakfast cereal named after him called “T.O.’s Honey ToastedOats”. Each box contains crunchy oat clusters, honey toasted flakes, and real bits of Tony Romo's career.
Pope Benedict the 16th will release an album this fall where he sings prayers. He said he wasn’t sure an album was the right way to spread the gospel but everything came together once he got into the studio with Timbaland.
Pope Benedict the 16th will release an album this fall where he sings
prayers. He’ll promote the album by turning the Pope Mobile into a hype van.
President Obama will be on the cover of TIME magazine next week - the 12th time in 12 months. One more time and he’ll beat Dick Cheney’s record on Guns and Ammo
A new poll finds that only 42% of Republicans, 83% of Independents, and 93% of Democrats are sure Obama was born in the U.S. This is just crazy, just because he’s Muslim doesn’t mean he was born outside the US.
Happy birthday to Wesley Snipes. He turned 47 years old today...Unfortunately he owes the IRS 43 of them.
Yesterday Nancy Pelosi called insurance companies trying to kill President Obama's healthcare plan "villains". Wow, that's harsh especially coming from someone in Joker makeup.
A new report finds that the number of Americans who watched videos online nearly doubled in the last 3 years. And those numbers nearly doubled when the videos included Britney Spears exiting a limo.
7/30/09
The house approved $14 billion yesterday to cover vital federal programs like unemployment and highway projects so they don’t go broke while Congress is away in August. That's like when your parents go away for the weekend and leave your 40 bucks for emergencies... so you know Obama's just gonna blow it all on another beer summit.
Lucia Whalen – the woman whose 911 call led to the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates - said she would call 911 again if placed in the same situation. To test her, the Cambridge Police had Maya Angelou break into Whalen's house.
Happy 38th Birthday to the hilarious Tom Green. Instead of, "Happy Birthday" he led his family and friends in a rendition of, "My Bum ison My Cake, My Bum is on My Cake."
Happy 70th Birthday to director Peter Bogdanovich. He spent the whole day explaining to everyone that he's not Rod Blagojevich.
Lucia Whalen – the woman whose 911 call led to the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates - said she would call 911 again if placed in the same situation. To test her, the Cambridge Police had Maya Angelou break into Whalen's house.
Happy 38th Birthday to the hilarious Tom Green. Instead of, "Happy Birthday" he led his family and friends in a rendition of, "My Bum ison My Cake, My Bum is on My Cake."
Happy 70th Birthday to director Peter Bogdanovich. He spent the whole day explaining to everyone that he's not Rod Blagojevich.
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