***The co-founder of the Gap, Donald G. Fisher, died yesterday at the age of 81. He's survived by his wife and Gap Kids.***
Congratulations to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom who tied the knot this weekend at a ceremony attended by many of Odom's Laker teammates. The biggest highlight came at the reception when Khloe tossed the bouquet over her shoulder and Kobe Bryant caught it in mid-air and dunked it.
Congratulations to the New York Yankees – this weekend they swept the Boston Red Sox in three games and clinched the American League East Title! Yep, the Yankees clinched... meanwhile in prison, Plaxico Burress clenched.
A 92-year-old woman in New Hampshire celebrated her birthday by sky-diving from a plane at 13,000 feet. When asked how she managed to avoid letting sky-diving scare the crap out of her, she answered, "Depends..."
Congratulations to Fernando and Yolanda Martinez - who own the Country Boys Taco Truck in Brooklyn - they won the fifth annual Vendy Award, which celebrates the best of New York's street food. Coming in last place: "Muammar Qaddafi's Falafal Tent. "
"Al Roker's Leftover Wagon"
"Ernie Anastos's "Keep F*ckin' that Chicken" kabobs.
"Donald Trump's Hair-epas"
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
9/25/09
Happy 40th birthday to Catherine Zeta-Jones and Happy 65th birthday to
her husband, Michael Douglas. To celebrate the couple exchanged gifts:
He gave her a diamond bracelet and she gave him a Medic-Alert
bracelet.
Michael Vick is expected to play in his first NFL game since 2006 on
Sunday when the Philadelphia Eagles play the Kansas City Chiefs. Vick
could see action in the 4th quarter... or earlier with good behavior.
What a historic week we just had here in New York City. Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, Mommar Qaddafi, and Hugo Chavez all spoke before the
meeting of the UN Security Council. Historians are calling it the
worst episode of "Madmen" ever.
First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a dinner last night for the wives of
the G-20 leaders... or as they're better known, the Real Housewives of
the G-20.
Police in Pittsburgh had to use pepper spray on a group of more than
500 people yesterday, protesting the G-20 Summit. A spokesman for the
protesters said, "it could've been worse, we could've been at a
Pirates game."
A woman in Arkansas discovered that she had conceived a child while
she was 2 ½ weeks into another pregnancy. Jon Gosselin said, "Yes! I
knew I could do it!"
President Obama and British leaders accused Iran on Friday of building
a secret underground plant to manufacture nuclear fuel. The accusation
came after a secret meeting between President Obama and James Bond.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that the UN doesn’t smell of
sulfur anymore and that “it smells of something else...." Then Joe
Wison stood up and yelled, "he who smelt it, dealt it!"
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden Burger... It's a hamburger topped with
really fake-looking lettuce.
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden BLT... I'd read you the ingredients but
the list goes on forever.
... It's got bacon, lettuce, tomato and about 100 other useless ingredients.
Did you hear about this? Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi’s translator
collapsed during his rant at the UN this week, saying “I just can’t
take it anymore.” Poor guy, apparently he was up all night outside
Qaddafi's tent on Coyote watch.
her husband, Michael Douglas. To celebrate the couple exchanged gifts:
He gave her a diamond bracelet and she gave him a Medic-Alert
bracelet.
Michael Vick is expected to play in his first NFL game since 2006 on
Sunday when the Philadelphia Eagles play the Kansas City Chiefs. Vick
could see action in the 4th quarter... or earlier with good behavior.
What a historic week we just had here in New York City. Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, Mommar Qaddafi, and Hugo Chavez all spoke before the
meeting of the UN Security Council. Historians are calling it the
worst episode of "Madmen" ever.
First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a dinner last night for the wives of
the G-20 leaders... or as they're better known, the Real Housewives of
the G-20.
Police in Pittsburgh had to use pepper spray on a group of more than
500 people yesterday, protesting the G-20 Summit. A spokesman for the
protesters said, "it could've been worse, we could've been at a
Pirates game."
A woman in Arkansas discovered that she had conceived a child while
she was 2 ½ weeks into another pregnancy. Jon Gosselin said, "Yes! I
knew I could do it!"
President Obama and British leaders accused Iran on Friday of building
a secret underground plant to manufacture nuclear fuel. The accusation
came after a secret meeting between President Obama and James Bond.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that the UN doesn’t smell of
sulfur anymore and that “it smells of something else...." Then Joe
Wison stood up and yelled, "he who smelt it, dealt it!"
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden Burger... It's a hamburger topped with
really fake-looking lettuce.
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden BLT... I'd read you the ingredients but
the list goes on forever.
... It's got bacon, lettuce, tomato and about 100 other useless ingredients.
Did you hear about this? Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi’s translator
collapsed during his rant at the UN this week, saying “I just can’t
take it anymore.” Poor guy, apparently he was up all night outside
Qaddafi's tent on Coyote watch.
Friday, September 25, 2009
9/24/09
Big day today for President Obama... this morning in New York he spokebefore the UN Security Council... in the afternoon he traveled toPittsburgh for the G-20 Summit... then he flew down south for dinnerwith the Real Housewives of Atlanta...
In his 96-minute speech at the UN yesterday, Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi tore up a copy of the UN charter. But in his defense Qaddafi's been living in a tent all week, he probably just needed some toilet paper.
Qaddafi referred to President Obama as "his son" and would be happy if Obama “would stay for ever as president. Then he asked Obama to be his BFF.
Qaddafi called for new investigations into the assassination of JFK. Qaddafi even offered to help saying he's willing to spend as long as it takes living in a tent on the grassy knoll.
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy this week –the heaviest newborn ever recorded in the country. The mother took onelook at the size of her son and named him KFed.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced yesterday on his blog that he contractedswine flu while he was reporting in Afghanistan. He said the worstsymptom was coughing up all that "Gupta."
A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more Americans favor Glenn Beck over Rush Limbaugh... in a bathing suit.
Workers at a recycling center in California found more than $3,000 incash while sorting trash yesterday. You know what they say, "one man's trash is another man's really smelly treasure."
In his 96-minute speech at the UN yesterday, Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi tore up a copy of the UN charter. But in his defense Qaddafi's been living in a tent all week, he probably just needed some toilet paper.
Qaddafi referred to President Obama as "his son" and would be happy if Obama “would stay for ever as president. Then he asked Obama to be his BFF.
Qaddafi called for new investigations into the assassination of JFK. Qaddafi even offered to help saying he's willing to spend as long as it takes living in a tent on the grassy knoll.
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy this week –the heaviest newborn ever recorded in the country. The mother took onelook at the size of her son and named him KFed.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced yesterday on his blog that he contractedswine flu while he was reporting in Afghanistan. He said the worstsymptom was coughing up all that "Gupta."
A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more Americans favor Glenn Beck over Rush Limbaugh... in a bathing suit.
Workers at a recycling center in California found more than $3,000 incash while sorting trash yesterday. You know what they say, "one man's trash is another man's really smelly treasure."
9/23/09
Happy Happy birthday to the Boss! Bruce Springsteen turned 60 yearsold today. Wow, the Boss is 60 -- nowadays when he sings "Born to Run" he's mostly talking about goin' to the bathroom.
Leaders from Canada walked out of Iranian President MahmoudAhmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged all delegates inthe 192-member chamber to do the same. Though it was a tough sellsince the Canadians walked out to attend a Celine Dion concert.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged alldelegates in the 192-member chamber to do the same. Unfortunatelynobody responded to the Canadians' pleas of, "come on everybody, we'rewalking oot! Why is nobody else walking oot with us? Are you comingwith us, we're walking oot!"
I read this in Time Magazine - Former Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was - "Weak. Waffling, wavering, and ambiguous." Apparently when you finish 3rd in a presidential election you win a lifetime supply of "word of the day" desk calendars.
Last night Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds set a new major league baseball record when he struck out for the 205th timethis season. To put that number in perspective, Reynolds has made less contact with balls this year than Rosie O'Donnell.
German leaders planned to walk out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today if he denied the Holocaust or made any anti-Semitic statements. Unless his statements were set to a tecno beat, then they'd be cool with it.
Leaders from Canada walked out of Iranian President MahmoudAhmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged all delegates inthe 192-member chamber to do the same. Though it was a tough sellsince the Canadians walked out to attend a Celine Dion concert.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged alldelegates in the 192-member chamber to do the same. Unfortunatelynobody responded to the Canadians' pleas of, "come on everybody, we'rewalking oot! Why is nobody else walking oot with us? Are you comingwith us, we're walking oot!"
I read this in Time Magazine - Former Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was - "Weak. Waffling, wavering, and ambiguous." Apparently when you finish 3rd in a presidential election you win a lifetime supply of "word of the day" desk calendars.
Last night Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds set a new major league baseball record when he struck out for the 205th timethis season. To put that number in perspective, Reynolds has made less contact with balls this year than Rosie O'Donnell.
German leaders planned to walk out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today if he denied the Holocaust or made any anti-Semitic statements. Unless his statements were set to a tecno beat, then they'd be cool with it.
9/22/09
Police are investigating the theft of $400,000 worth of jewelry fromthe home of Buffalo Bills safety Donte Whitner. I think it's safe to say none of the stolen jewelry included any Superbowl rings.
Ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards rose to 13.3 million – that's a million more viewers than last year. Producers are attributing the extra million viewers to the chick from Madmen's boobs.
President Obama shook hands with New York Governor David Paterson yesterday at the Albany airport – two days after he asked the governornot to run in 2010 - which could explain why during the handshake, Patterson never made eye contact with Obama.
Did you guys catch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night?Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay danced the Cha-Chato the song, "Wild Thing" - and then judge Bruno called him, "crazier than Sarah Palin." DeLay responded by calling Bruno a fascist.
Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay made his debut on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night and said in order to succeed onthe dance floor he had to "get in touch with his feminine side." Rush Limbaugh advised him to just do what he does: grow man boobs.
Researchers in the U.S. are now testing a new "topical cream" for erectile dysfunction. The topic: Disgusting stuff researchers have to do.
President Obama has been urging NY Governor David Patterson not to run for another term as Governor but just this weekend the two met at anairport in Albany and whispered to each other. Depsite the meeting insiders claim the two still don't see eye-to-eye.
Ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards rose to 13.3 million – that's a million more viewers than last year. Producers are attributing the extra million viewers to the chick from Madmen's boobs.
President Obama shook hands with New York Governor David Paterson yesterday at the Albany airport – two days after he asked the governornot to run in 2010 - which could explain why during the handshake, Patterson never made eye contact with Obama.
Did you guys catch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night?Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay danced the Cha-Chato the song, "Wild Thing" - and then judge Bruno called him, "crazier than Sarah Palin." DeLay responded by calling Bruno a fascist.
Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay made his debut on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night and said in order to succeed onthe dance floor he had to "get in touch with his feminine side." Rush Limbaugh advised him to just do what he does: grow man boobs.
Researchers in the U.S. are now testing a new "topical cream" for erectile dysfunction. The topic: Disgusting stuff researchers have to do.
President Obama has been urging NY Governor David Patterson not to run for another term as Governor but just this weekend the two met at anairport in Albany and whispered to each other. Depsite the meeting insiders claim the two still don't see eye-to-eye.
Monday, September 21, 2009
9/21/09
In the first game played at the new billion dollar "Dallas Stadium"
last night, the Cowboys lost to the Giants 33-31. Tony Romo threw
three interceptions but on the bright side none of his passes hit the
scoreboard.
Today is the last day of Summer - which means Lady Gaga can put away
all her short-sleeved male genitalia.
Last night the Emmy's unveiled a new format where the show was broken
into five specific award genres: Comedy, Reality, Variety Drama, and
shows about sharks.
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham criticized President Obama’s media
blitz over the weekend, saying “he’s been on everything but the Food
Channel.” Ironically Graham made the statement while appearing on his
new Food Network show, "Whiners, Drive-ins and Dives."
A New Jersey man was arrested after his 4-year-old son brought his
cocaine to daycare and handed it out to other kids. Daycare
authorities knew something was wrong after the wheels on the bus would
not stop going, "round and round, round and round, round and round!"
(speed reading)
Avril Lavigne and her husband of three years – Sum 41 frontman, Deryck
Whibley – are getting a divorce. Apparently, "he was a Sk8er Boy, she
said see ya later boy." (Singing)
A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder
at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. Authorities on the scene
said they weren't sure if it was the most amazing home invasion story
they'd ever seen or the most disturbing Cialis commercial.
Happy, happy birthday to Nicole Ritchie. She turned 28... pounds.
Today is the last day of summer, and tomorrow is the first day of
fall… which means no more open toes for Lady Gaga, just camel toes.
A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating
Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating
championship on Friday. When presented with his trophies the man
burped, “thank you.” (burped)
last night, the Cowboys lost to the Giants 33-31. Tony Romo threw
three interceptions but on the bright side none of his passes hit the
scoreboard.
Today is the last day of Summer - which means Lady Gaga can put away
all her short-sleeved male genitalia.
Last night the Emmy's unveiled a new format where the show was broken
into five specific award genres: Comedy, Reality, Variety Drama, and
shows about sharks.
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham criticized President Obama’s media
blitz over the weekend, saying “he’s been on everything but the Food
Channel.” Ironically Graham made the statement while appearing on his
new Food Network show, "Whiners, Drive-ins and Dives."
A New Jersey man was arrested after his 4-year-old son brought his
cocaine to daycare and handed it out to other kids. Daycare
authorities knew something was wrong after the wheels on the bus would
not stop going, "round and round, round and round, round and round!"
(speed reading)
Avril Lavigne and her husband of three years – Sum 41 frontman, Deryck
Whibley – are getting a divorce. Apparently, "he was a Sk8er Boy, she
said see ya later boy." (Singing)
A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder
at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. Authorities on the scene
said they weren't sure if it was the most amazing home invasion story
they'd ever seen or the most disturbing Cialis commercial.
Happy, happy birthday to Nicole Ritchie. She turned 28... pounds.
Today is the last day of summer, and tomorrow is the first day of
fall… which means no more open toes for Lady Gaga, just camel toes.
A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating
Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating
championship on Friday. When presented with his trophies the man
burped, “thank you.” (burped)
9/18/09
New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan sent a phone message out to some NY
Jet fans asking them to make it miserable for Tom Brady - when the
Patriots play the Jets this weekend. He suggested the Patriots sign
Terrell Owens.
Sunday is the regular season debut of the new home to the Dallas
Cowboys - the $1.3 billion “Dallas Stadium”. Most of the money was
spent on a state of the art security gate meant to keep Jessica
Simpson out.
Dallas Stadium has a retractable roof, the world's largest high
definition video screen, and private luxury suites can be purchased
for up to $500,000 a year. And for an extra hundred grand they’ll
throw in a couple Yankees tickets.
Today is National Cheeseburger Day! President Obama honored the
occasion by inviting representatives from “McDonald Land” to the White
House.
... President Obama marked the occasion by pardoning the “Hamburglar”
of all his crimes.
... To honor the occasion the Obama’s hosted a White House dinner for
the Burger King.
Jet fans asking them to make it miserable for Tom Brady - when the
Patriots play the Jets this weekend. He suggested the Patriots sign
Terrell Owens.
Sunday is the regular season debut of the new home to the Dallas
Cowboys - the $1.3 billion “Dallas Stadium”. Most of the money was
spent on a state of the art security gate meant to keep Jessica
Simpson out.
Dallas Stadium has a retractable roof, the world's largest high
definition video screen, and private luxury suites can be purchased
for up to $500,000 a year. And for an extra hundred grand they’ll
throw in a couple Yankees tickets.
Today is National Cheeseburger Day! President Obama honored the
occasion by inviting representatives from “McDonald Land” to the White
House.
... President Obama marked the occasion by pardoning the “Hamburglar”
of all his crimes.
... To honor the occasion the Obama’s hosted a White House dinner for
the Burger King.
9/17/09
New Zealand scientists have developed a wireless heart pump that uses
magnetic fields to transfer power to heart pumps through a person's
skin rather than using wire cables. The best part is: if patients
can't afford the wireless service they can just steal the signal from
their neighbors.
More Jon and Kate news this week: Jon returned the couple's two German
Shepherds back to their breeders - blaming Kate because she's never
home to take care of them. To clarify, when I say "breeders," I'm NOT
talking about Jon and Kate.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
proposal is such a turn off to Republican Senators they're already
cheating on it with younger, hotter proposals.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
main sticking point for Republicans: The plan doesn't do enough to
cover hooker mistresses.
Did you guys see the finale of America's Got Talent last night?
Susanne Boyle made her American TV debut with a performance of the
Rolling Stones classic, "Wild Horses" - which prompted Mick Jagger to
ask, "What's Keith Richards doin on the telly singing Wild Horses?"
(As Jagger)
Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down from her job as the CEO of the WWE to run for the Republican senate seat in Connecticut. Boy celebrity politicians are all the "roid" rage, aren't they?
magnetic fields to transfer power to heart pumps through a person's
skin rather than using wire cables. The best part is: if patients
can't afford the wireless service they can just steal the signal from
their neighbors.
More Jon and Kate news this week: Jon returned the couple's two German
Shepherds back to their breeders - blaming Kate because she's never
home to take care of them. To clarify, when I say "breeders," I'm NOT
talking about Jon and Kate.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
proposal is such a turn off to Republican Senators they're already
cheating on it with younger, hotter proposals.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
main sticking point for Republicans: The plan doesn't do enough to
cover hooker mistresses.
Did you guys see the finale of America's Got Talent last night?
Susanne Boyle made her American TV debut with a performance of the
Rolling Stones classic, "Wild Horses" - which prompted Mick Jagger to
ask, "What's Keith Richards doin on the telly singing Wild Horses?"
(As Jagger)
Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down from her job as the CEO of the WWE to run for the Republican senate seat in Connecticut. Boy celebrity politicians are all the "roid" rage, aren't they?
9/16/09
Universal in Orlando will open a new, Harry Potter theme park in the
spring of 2010. Some of the rides at the new “Wizarding World of Harry
Potter” are: the “Dragon Challenge,” the “Triwizard Tournament,” and
“Gandalf’s Magical Moustache Ride.”
Did you guys see the Phillies game last night? There was a cute
moment when a fan caught Jayson Werth’s foul ball, then gave it to his
daughter. But she just threw it right back onto the field… What you
can’t see in the video is that before she threw the ball back onto the
field she threatened to shove it down her father’s throat.
People Magazine’s 2009 Best-Dressed List issue comes out this Friday.
Cameron Diaz was singled out for “Best Jeans.” Meanwhile Michael Moore
was singled out for “Best Jeans with an Elastic Waistband.”
… Taylor Swift was chosen for “best sparkle” while Beyonce was chose
for “Even Better Sparkle.”
… “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson won for best-dressed man of the
year - Which confirms that the look for guys this year is, “Disheveled
Runaway Teen”
spring of 2010. Some of the rides at the new “Wizarding World of Harry
Potter” are: the “Dragon Challenge,” the “Triwizard Tournament,” and
“Gandalf’s Magical Moustache Ride.”
Did you guys see the Phillies game last night? There was a cute
moment when a fan caught Jayson Werth’s foul ball, then gave it to his
daughter. But she just threw it right back onto the field… What you
can’t see in the video is that before she threw the ball back onto the
field she threatened to shove it down her father’s throat.
People Magazine’s 2009 Best-Dressed List issue comes out this Friday.
Cameron Diaz was singled out for “Best Jeans.” Meanwhile Michael Moore
was singled out for “Best Jeans with an Elastic Waistband.”
… Taylor Swift was chosen for “best sparkle” while Beyonce was chose
for “Even Better Sparkle.”
… “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson won for best-dressed man of the
year - Which confirms that the look for guys this year is, “Disheveled
Runaway Teen”
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
9/15/09
Happy, happy 63rd Birthday to director Oliver Stone… At his party he was able to blow out all 63 candles on his cake… but some believe there was a second blower behind the nacho fountain.
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy because he’s gay… And then the Ukraine went back to training all ofthe world’s gymnasts and figure skaters.
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy,because he is gay and too old. “And the same goes for you too, Rosie O’Donnell”… said the Ukraine.
Dan Brown’s newest novel, “The Lost Symbol,” hit bookstores today. Or did it?????????
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story takes place in Washington, D.C. over a12-hour period and uncovers the secret behind how long it takes Nancy Pelosi to removeher makeup.
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story shines a light on a secret, underground society of people that understand what the hell a public option is.
an underground society of people known as, "Dick Cheney's Friends"
Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West's music, saying hewas “just grandstanding to get attention.” Unfortunately nobody interrupted Trump while he was talking.
Happy Birthday to Hills star, Heidi Montag – she turned 23 today. Unfortunately for everyone at her party she joined them in singing, “Happy Birthday.”
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy because he’s gay… And then the Ukraine went back to training all ofthe world’s gymnasts and figure skaters.
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy,because he is gay and too old. “And the same goes for you too, Rosie O’Donnell”… said the Ukraine.
Dan Brown’s newest novel, “The Lost Symbol,” hit bookstores today. Or did it?????????
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story takes place in Washington, D.C. over a12-hour period and uncovers the secret behind how long it takes Nancy Pelosi to removeher makeup.
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story shines a light on a secret, underground society of people that understand what the hell a public option is.
an underground society of people known as, "Dick Cheney's Friends"
Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West's music, saying hewas “just grandstanding to get attention.” Unfortunately nobody interrupted Trump while he was talking.
Happy Birthday to Hills star, Heidi Montag – she turned 23 today. Unfortunately for everyone at her party she joined them in singing, “Happy Birthday.”
9/14/09
Happy, happy birthday to Amy Winehouse who turned 26 yesterday. She said her favorite thing to do on her birthday is blow… out the candles.
The most talked about moment at last night’s VMA’s was when Kanye West jumped on stage and interrupted Taylor Swift’s best female video acceptance speech. Apparently Kanye thought he should have won.
After the VMA’s Kanye West apologized to Taylor Swift on his blog for interrupting her acceptance speech saying, “I’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment.” Word is Kanye realized how wrong he was when he got backstage and Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down his throat.
Everyone’s talking about Lady Gaga’s performance of her song,“Paparazzi” last night at the VMA’s where she faked her death on stage and ended up covered in blood. It was insane, there was so much blood on stage security had to restrain Robert Pattinson.
Last night at the VMA’s Taylor Swift performed her song, “You BelongWith Me” on a real New York City subway platform and inside a packed subway car. Not only did her performance steal the show but she sold enough Skittles to buy new uniforms for her basketball team.
Dean Kamen – the inventor of the Segway – designed a new portable device called the Slingshot that can purify drinking water in remote villages. Just like the Segway, the only problem with the Slingshot is you look really gay using it.
Barbara Walters was not present on “The View” this morning with special guest host Kate Gosselin. Instead she was shooting aone-on-one interview with Jon Gosselin for her annual special: “TheMost UN-interesting People of 2009”.
President Obama came to New York City this morning to give a speech onthe banking industry - on the one-year anniversary of the collapse ofLehman Brothers. In a change in strategy from his healthcare speech, this time Obama was the one telling the crowd, “you lie”
Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape where he calls President Obama “powerless” in the war against Afghanistan. Later in the tape he explains that Obama is talented but that Beyonce is much more powerful.
The most talked about moment at last night’s VMA’s was when Kanye West jumped on stage and interrupted Taylor Swift’s best female video acceptance speech. Apparently Kanye thought he should have won.
After the VMA’s Kanye West apologized to Taylor Swift on his blog for interrupting her acceptance speech saying, “I’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment.” Word is Kanye realized how wrong he was when he got backstage and Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down his throat.
Everyone’s talking about Lady Gaga’s performance of her song,“Paparazzi” last night at the VMA’s where she faked her death on stage and ended up covered in blood. It was insane, there was so much blood on stage security had to restrain Robert Pattinson.
Last night at the VMA’s Taylor Swift performed her song, “You BelongWith Me” on a real New York City subway platform and inside a packed subway car. Not only did her performance steal the show but she sold enough Skittles to buy new uniforms for her basketball team.
Dean Kamen – the inventor of the Segway – designed a new portable device called the Slingshot that can purify drinking water in remote villages. Just like the Segway, the only problem with the Slingshot is you look really gay using it.
Barbara Walters was not present on “The View” this morning with special guest host Kate Gosselin. Instead she was shooting aone-on-one interview with Jon Gosselin for her annual special: “TheMost UN-interesting People of 2009”.
President Obama came to New York City this morning to give a speech onthe banking industry - on the one-year anniversary of the collapse ofLehman Brothers. In a change in strategy from his healthcare speech, this time Obama was the one telling the crowd, “you lie”
Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape where he calls President Obama “powerless” in the war against Afghanistan. Later in the tape he explains that Obama is talented but that Beyonce is much more powerful.
Monday, September 14, 2009
9/11/09
It’s a big weekend here in New York City – you got the US Open, Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer doesn’t know who to have sex with.
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress onWednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress onWednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
9/11/09
It’s a big weekend here in New York City – you got the US Open,
Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so
many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer
doesn’t know who to have sex with.
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress on
Wednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.
To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering
replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the
fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon
she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow
he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –
9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a
coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so
many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer
doesn’t know who to have sex with.
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress on
Wednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.
To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering
replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the
fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon
she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow
he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –
9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a
coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
Friday, September 11, 2009
9/10/09
The most talked about moment of Obama’s speech on healthcare last night was when Republican Congressman Joe Wilson yelled, “you lie” after Obama said reforms would not apply to illegal immigrants. After the outburst Nancy Pelosi was seen shaking her head in disgust. Turns out she wasn’t upset at Wilson - she was pissed at Hillary Clinton for wearing the same red pantsuit she did.
After the speech Wilson immediately apologized for his inappropriate outburst – or as they call it in the White House, “pulling a Biden.”
After Wilson’s inappropriate outburst Joe Biden could be seen whispering to Nancy Pelosi, “wow, did he just pulled a me?”
After the speech there was a lot of speculation about where the outburst came from until SC Congressman Joe Wilson owned up to it and apologized... but not before claiming he couldn't have done it b/c hewas hiking in the Appalachians.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he got tough with Republicans saying, “If you misrepresent this plan, I will call youout”. Then he threatened to invite anyone who disagreed with him over to the White House for a beer.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he told members of Congress that his door is always open – which is a fundamental change from former President Clinton’s policy of “if this rooms-a-rockin’don’t come-a-knockin!”
After Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, John McCain appeared onLarry King Live to give his reaction to the President’s plan saying,“his numbers don’t add up.” To prove his point McCain pulled out anabacus… and then King was like “Hey, that’s my abacus.”
Later in the evening, John McCain appeared on Larry King Live to comment on Obama’s speech. Unfortunately neither of them could remember anything the President said.
After the speech Wilson immediately apologized for his inappropriate outburst – or as they call it in the White House, “pulling a Biden.”
After Wilson’s inappropriate outburst Joe Biden could be seen whispering to Nancy Pelosi, “wow, did he just pulled a me?”
After the speech there was a lot of speculation about where the outburst came from until SC Congressman Joe Wilson owned up to it and apologized... but not before claiming he couldn't have done it b/c hewas hiking in the Appalachians.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he got tough with Republicans saying, “If you misrepresent this plan, I will call youout”. Then he threatened to invite anyone who disagreed with him over to the White House for a beer.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he told members of Congress that his door is always open – which is a fundamental change from former President Clinton’s policy of “if this rooms-a-rockin’don’t come-a-knockin!”
After Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, John McCain appeared onLarry King Live to give his reaction to the President’s plan saying,“his numbers don’t add up.” To prove his point McCain pulled out anabacus… and then King was like “Hey, that’s my abacus.”
Later in the evening, John McCain appeared on Larry King Live to comment on Obama’s speech. Unfortunately neither of them could remember anything the President said.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
9/9/09
Forbes.com ranked fishing and logging as the world’s most dangerous jobs. The least dangerous job in the world: ranking jobs for Forbes.com.
The long-awaited remastered editions of the Beatles 12 studio albums were released today. The songs are so clear you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.
Health officials in Australia are telling doctors to drink 6 cups ofcoffee a day to stay awake during long shifts. Damn, 6 cups of coffee,that’s a lot of toilets flushing in the opposite direction.
eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin for aminimum bid of $25,000. Word of advice to the winner, don’t order the soufflé.
Due to the current financial crisis, the United States lost its title as the most competitive economy to Switzerland. When US bankers heard about this they were like, “Nah ah, we bet you a billion dollars we're more competitive than the Swiss!”
A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. Which is all Congress needed to hear - sosee ya in 2020… moon!
Instead of showing President Obama’s big health care speech tonight, FOX went ahead with the season premiere of its dance competitionseries “So You Think You Can Dance.” Which is unfortunate for the dancers since Obama’s plan doesn’t cover groin injuries.
Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment in New York is on the market. It is expected to fetch between 8 and 10 million dollars. Or in Madoff terms: 20 million cigarettes.
President Obama’s health care speech to Congress tonight was seen by many pundits as a definitive point in his presidency. It's way moredefinitive than all his other primetime televised speeches.
Today is 9/09/09… It’s a very rare occurrence. The next time consecutive numbers will appear in a date nobody will care either.
Re-mastered versions of every Beatles album came out today. When Ringo heard this he said, “Remastered? But I never mastered them in the first place.”
Beatles Rock Band came out today featuring replica instruments just like ones the Beatles used to play. There’s Paul’s bass and Ringo’s drums… and in a five years they’ll come out with George’s sitar.
The long-awaited remastered editions of the Beatles 12 studio albums were released today. The songs are so clear you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.
Health officials in Australia are telling doctors to drink 6 cups ofcoffee a day to stay awake during long shifts. Damn, 6 cups of coffee,that’s a lot of toilets flushing in the opposite direction.
eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin for aminimum bid of $25,000. Word of advice to the winner, don’t order the soufflé.
Due to the current financial crisis, the United States lost its title as the most competitive economy to Switzerland. When US bankers heard about this they were like, “Nah ah, we bet you a billion dollars we're more competitive than the Swiss!”
A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. Which is all Congress needed to hear - sosee ya in 2020… moon!
Instead of showing President Obama’s big health care speech tonight, FOX went ahead with the season premiere of its dance competitionseries “So You Think You Can Dance.” Which is unfortunate for the dancers since Obama’s plan doesn’t cover groin injuries.
Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment in New York is on the market. It is expected to fetch between 8 and 10 million dollars. Or in Madoff terms: 20 million cigarettes.
President Obama’s health care speech to Congress tonight was seen by many pundits as a definitive point in his presidency. It's way moredefinitive than all his other primetime televised speeches.
Today is 9/09/09… It’s a very rare occurrence. The next time consecutive numbers will appear in a date nobody will care either.
Re-mastered versions of every Beatles album came out today. When Ringo heard this he said, “Remastered? But I never mastered them in the first place.”
Beatles Rock Band came out today featuring replica instruments just like ones the Beatles used to play. There’s Paul’s bass and Ringo’s drums… and in a five years they’ll come out with George’s sitar.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
9/8/09 - Latest Joke on Fallon
***Happy 60th birthday to 70’s disco star Gloria Gaynor. She celebrated as she does every year, by surviving.***
The big story today, President Obama delivered his controversial speech to schoolchildren. In it he asked students to show up forschool, listen to their teachers and stop picking on Tim Geitner’skids.
The speech aired on C-Span and was watched by millions of students allover the country. It was the most watched program on C-Span by schoolchildren since Barney Frank and Friends.
During his speech to America’s schoolchildren, President Obama told students what they’re “learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.” Those challenges include walking up steps and fitting into pants.
Sonia Sotomayor started work on the Supreme Court today - and she wore a collar given to her by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. But if Ginsburg catches Sotomayor not wearing the collar at any time, Sotomayor has to serenade all the male judges.
A female journalist in Sudan was fined $200 for indecency this weekend after wearing pants in public. Sudanese officials are calling her the Hilary Clinton of the Sudan.
Congratulations to ESPN – for celebrating its 30th anniversary yesterday. Guys everywhere celebrated by watching Sportscenter the way they always do: while having sex with their girlfriends.
The big story today, President Obama delivered his controversial speech to schoolchildren. In it he asked students to show up forschool, listen to their teachers and stop picking on Tim Geitner’skids.
The speech aired on C-Span and was watched by millions of students allover the country. It was the most watched program on C-Span by schoolchildren since Barney Frank and Friends.
During his speech to America’s schoolchildren, President Obama told students what they’re “learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.” Those challenges include walking up steps and fitting into pants.
Sonia Sotomayor started work on the Supreme Court today - and she wore a collar given to her by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. But if Ginsburg catches Sotomayor not wearing the collar at any time, Sotomayor has to serenade all the male judges.
A female journalist in Sudan was fined $200 for indecency this weekend after wearing pants in public. Sudanese officials are calling her the Hilary Clinton of the Sudan.
Congratulations to ESPN – for celebrating its 30th anniversary yesterday. Guys everywhere celebrated by watching Sportscenter the way they always do: while having sex with their girlfriends.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
9/4/09
New re-mastered versions of every Beatle song will be released next
week - 22 years after they all first came out on CD. The songs are so
clear, you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.
A nun in Long Island, New York was arrested for drunk driving this
week after crashing into a tree. Not a good week for Sister Billy
Joel.
Chris Brown said that Oprah’s episode on domestic abuse in the spring
was a “slap in the face.” Poor choice of words given what happened
between Brown and Rihanna, he really put his foot in HER mouth…
The White House will release President Obama’s speech to
schoolchildren online so that parents can read it first and decide if
their kids should watch it. It’s easy, all parents have to do is find
a computer and then have their kids show them how to go online and
download the speech.
There’s a lot of buzz about who will replace Diane Sawyer on “Good
Morning America” – and ABC’s president said his network will “make a
big change.” A big change huh? Sounds like Star Jones is coming back
to daytime TV!
Friday, September 4, 2009
9/3/09
Retailers are reporting a drop in a back-to-school sales this season.To help boost sales, President Obama is proposing a new grades-based incentive program called: “Cash for Flunkers”.
President Obama will deliver a major prime time health care speech toa joint session of Congress next Wednesday. That means the President will be in the same room with all 535 members of Congress - making it the first Presidential speech ever delivered thru a swine flu mask.
A new study finds that 11 p.m. is the most popular time of day for using the Internet in the US. Apparently the study didn’t account forthe hours of 9 to 5.
Google apologized yesterday for its Gmail crash this week and blamed the outage on a server. And by “server” they mean a girl in their office who had 700 Gchat windows opened.
The BP oil company discovered a giant pool of crude oil – estimated tohold 6 billion barrels – after drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. Hmmm a giant pool found in Mexico, I wonder who's gonna clean it?
To mark his tenth wedding anniversary with his wife, Victoria Beckham, David Beckham got a tattoo of 10 roses around his arms. The roses also represent how many soccer fans there are in America.
Paula Abdul is in the early stages of production on her own variety show in Las Vegas. It will be called: “What Happens in Vegas, Stays…Somewhere… Hold on, I Forget… Where Am I? – Vodka, Please.”
Happy 44th birthday to Charlie Sheen. I’m pretty sure I know how he’s gonna celebrate.
The State Department is investigating a wild party at the American Embassy in Afghanistan. Officials are reviewing video taken at theparty. It’s called “Girls Gone Wild: Burkha Babes.”
The party got so out of hand Joe Francis ended up punching Brody Jenner’s girlfriend.
Emory University in Georgia has moved 50 students with swine flu into a separate dorm where they are having their class-work and food delivered to them. The waiting list to get into that dorm has been full for weeks.
President Obama will deliver a major prime time health care speech toa joint session of Congress next Wednesday. That means the President will be in the same room with all 535 members of Congress - making it the first Presidential speech ever delivered thru a swine flu mask.
A new study finds that 11 p.m. is the most popular time of day for using the Internet in the US. Apparently the study didn’t account forthe hours of 9 to 5.
Google apologized yesterday for its Gmail crash this week and blamed the outage on a server. And by “server” they mean a girl in their office who had 700 Gchat windows opened.
The BP oil company discovered a giant pool of crude oil – estimated tohold 6 billion barrels – after drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. Hmmm a giant pool found in Mexico, I wonder who's gonna clean it?
To mark his tenth wedding anniversary with his wife, Victoria Beckham, David Beckham got a tattoo of 10 roses around his arms. The roses also represent how many soccer fans there are in America.
Paula Abdul is in the early stages of production on her own variety show in Las Vegas. It will be called: “What Happens in Vegas, Stays…Somewhere… Hold on, I Forget… Where Am I? – Vodka, Please.”
Happy 44th birthday to Charlie Sheen. I’m pretty sure I know how he’s gonna celebrate.
The State Department is investigating a wild party at the American Embassy in Afghanistan. Officials are reviewing video taken at theparty. It’s called “Girls Gone Wild: Burkha Babes.”
The party got so out of hand Joe Francis ended up punching Brody Jenner’s girlfriend.
Emory University in Georgia has moved 50 students with swine flu into a separate dorm where they are having their class-work and food delivered to them. The waiting list to get into that dorm has been full for weeks.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
9/2/09
Both Sex and the City 2 and the third season of Bravo’s Real Housewives of New York City began filming in Manhattan this week. To honor both productions, all week the top of the Empire State Building will be lit spray-tan orange.
New York City hasn’t seen this many cougars since Ringling Brotherswas in town.
Here in New York, the Health Department is posting anti-soda adsthroughout the city, showing liquid fat being poured into drinking glasses – or as it’s better known: Mountain Dew Code Blue.
This Chris Brown story keeps getting worse: First on Larry King Livehe said didn’t remember beating Rihanna - then in a statement to People magazine Brown says he was misquoted and clarified that he does remember the incident. Even Brett Favre was like, “dude, make up your mind.”
Major League Baseball unveiled a newer version of its iPhone app"MLB.com At Bat 2009" that lets users watch every game live. Developers were able to improve every aspect of watching a game on your iPhone except how the Mets play.
New York City hasn’t seen this many cougars since Ringling Brotherswas in town.
Here in New York, the Health Department is posting anti-soda adsthroughout the city, showing liquid fat being poured into drinking glasses – or as it’s better known: Mountain Dew Code Blue.
This Chris Brown story keeps getting worse: First on Larry King Livehe said didn’t remember beating Rihanna - then in a statement to People magazine Brown says he was misquoted and clarified that he does remember the incident. Even Brett Favre was like, “dude, make up your mind.”
Major League Baseball unveiled a newer version of its iPhone app"MLB.com At Bat 2009" that lets users watch every game live. Developers were able to improve every aspect of watching a game on your iPhone except how the Mets play.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
9/2/09
Workers in Ireland discovered a 3,000-year-old barrel ofwell-preserved butter. Which means if you need to get in touch with Kirstie Alley, she’ll be in Ireland.
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre said before his game against Houston last night that he might have cracked a rib. It’s a serious injury for a quarterback like Favre… trainers say he’ll feel it everytime he tries to retire and un-retire.
The injury doesn’t appear career threatening... although with BrettFavre you never know.
Bob Dylan announced on his radio show that several companies have approached him to voice their GPS systems. Yeah that’s the voice you wanna hear when you're lost, “at the next leeeeeeeeeeeight. turnreeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiight.”
It would be the first navigation system to prompt drivers with a harmonica solo.
Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” has spent a record 71 weeks in a row on the Billboard Hot 100 beating out Leanne Rime’s “How Do I Live,” which lasted 69 weeks. Congratulations Jason, that’s “aMrazing”!
Happy 59th Birthday to Dr. Phil. He celebrated by doing whatever Oprah tells him to do.
New research suggests that swine flu is spreading at an alarming rateon college campuses – which finally confirms that the virus cannot becured with weed.
Among the reasons for the spread of the virus on college campuses is kissing. So to everyone at MIT, you guys are in the clear.
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre said before his game against Houston last night that he might have cracked a rib. It’s a serious injury for a quarterback like Favre… trainers say he’ll feel it everytime he tries to retire and un-retire.
The injury doesn’t appear career threatening... although with BrettFavre you never know.
Bob Dylan announced on his radio show that several companies have approached him to voice their GPS systems. Yeah that’s the voice you wanna hear when you're lost, “at the next leeeeeeeeeeeight. turnreeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiight.”
It would be the first navigation system to prompt drivers with a harmonica solo.
Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” has spent a record 71 weeks in a row on the Billboard Hot 100 beating out Leanne Rime’s “How Do I Live,” which lasted 69 weeks. Congratulations Jason, that’s “aMrazing”!
Happy 59th Birthday to Dr. Phil. He celebrated by doing whatever Oprah tells him to do.
New research suggests that swine flu is spreading at an alarming rateon college campuses – which finally confirms that the virus cannot becured with weed.
Among the reasons for the spread of the virus on college campuses is kissing. So to everyone at MIT, you guys are in the clear.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
8/31/09
The home of Vincent Chase during the first two seasons of HBO’s Entourage burnt down yesterday during the California Wildfires. Unfortunately by the time firefighters arrived it was too late to hug it out.
Walt Disney bought Marvel Entertainment today for $4 billion. It means next time Mary Jane makes Peter Parkers Spidey sense tingle they better be wearing purity rings.
A new detox center in Washington promises to cure people of their Internet addictions for $14,500. The preferred form of payment: Paypal.
Today was President Obama’s first day back in Washington after a weeklong vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Obama called the trip relaxing- except for all the calls from the sitter about Joe Biden.
The “Today” show has hired George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna Bush Hager, as an education correspondent. President Bush said he can’t wait to watch his daughter on TV, just as soon as he finds out what day the Today show airs.
Ikea is facing criticism for changing its catalog font to Verdana after using Futura for 50 years. Yeah, that’s the problem with reading the Ikea catalog - the font. Definitely not all the words with silent j’s and umlauts.
A new study found that over weight people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. So it's not all bad news for fat people, at least they have skinny brains.
Jon Gosselin brought his mother to the pool party he hosted on Saturday at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Apparently they had so much fun together, now everyone’s calling him Grandpa.
Rangers in California closed sections of Sequoia National Park afterthey discovered a marijuana garden growing in a cave. When asked howthe plants got there, the Geico Cavemen said, “our bad.”
Walt Disney bought Marvel Entertainment today for $4 billion. It means next time Mary Jane makes Peter Parkers Spidey sense tingle they better be wearing purity rings.
A new detox center in Washington promises to cure people of their Internet addictions for $14,500. The preferred form of payment: Paypal.
Today was President Obama’s first day back in Washington after a weeklong vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Obama called the trip relaxing- except for all the calls from the sitter about Joe Biden.
The “Today” show has hired George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna Bush Hager, as an education correspondent. President Bush said he can’t wait to watch his daughter on TV, just as soon as he finds out what day the Today show airs.
Ikea is facing criticism for changing its catalog font to Verdana after using Futura for 50 years. Yeah, that’s the problem with reading the Ikea catalog - the font. Definitely not all the words with silent j’s and umlauts.
A new study found that over weight people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. So it's not all bad news for fat people, at least they have skinny brains.
Jon Gosselin brought his mother to the pool party he hosted on Saturday at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Apparently they had so much fun together, now everyone’s calling him Grandpa.
Rangers in California closed sections of Sequoia National Park afterthey discovered a marijuana garden growing in a cave. When asked howthe plants got there, the Geico Cavemen said, “our bad.”
8/14/09
Well, he’s back in the NFL. Yesterday Michael Vick signed a two-yeardeal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Just like Rocky, Philly loves anunderdog…. I mean long shot.
...To get on the field, Vick will have to be on his best behavior andeven then he'll be on a short leash.
The owner of a bakery in Detroit will break a record tomorrow when he unveils a 7,000-pound vanilla cupcake – but not if Michael Moore gets there first!
Jon Gosselin will host a pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas onAugust 2. Everyone at the party will be topless except Gosselin who will be wearing an Ed Hardy T shirt.
John Edwards finally admitted he is the father of his mistress’s baby – after denying it for over a year. He just couldn't deny it any longer after seeing what a fabulous head of hair the kid had.
...To get on the field, Vick will have to be on his best behavior andeven then he'll be on a short leash.
The owner of a bakery in Detroit will break a record tomorrow when he unveils a 7,000-pound vanilla cupcake – but not if Michael Moore gets there first!
Jon Gosselin will host a pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas onAugust 2. Everyone at the party will be topless except Gosselin who will be wearing an Ed Hardy T shirt.
John Edwards finally admitted he is the father of his mistress’s baby – after denying it for over a year. He just couldn't deny it any longer after seeing what a fabulous head of hair the kid had.
8/13/09
More news from these town hall meetings on healthcare: Republican Senator Chuck Grassley told an Iowa crowd yesterday that they were correct to fear that the government would “pull the plug on grandma.” When Joe Biden heard this he said, “Plugs? What plugs? I don’t knowanything about plugs.”
Republican Senator Chuck Grassley said at his town hall yesterday inIowa that President Obama’s health care plan could mean “pulling theplug on grandma.” After he said it, an elderly woman shouted, “Yeah, just try to catch me!” And then sped off in her Jazzy Scooter.
This electric car one-upsmanship is crazy – first GM said the Chevy Volt would get 230 mpg, and yesterday Nissan announced their electriccar – The Leaf – would get 367 mpg… Then Toyota was like our new electric car has a “Flux Capacitor”… It’s crazy.
A new federal report finds that NASA doesn’t have the $800 million it needs to track asteroids that pose a threat to Earth. But don’t worry: NASA officials plan to ask Obama if old space shuttles count as “Clunkers.”
Heidi Montag – star of “The Hills” – says she used Playboy magazine toshop for the perfect breasts when she got implants back in 2007 –which is odd because Heidi always struck me as someone who only checked out Playboy for the articles?
A Muslim woman in Paris was banned from going to a pool because shewas wearing a “burquini” – a swimsuit that covers the entire body. Oooooh so that’s what you call that thing Michael Phelps swims in, a “Burquini.” – I didn’t know he was religious.
A new study from the University of Massachusetts finds that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about 3 times every 10 minutes. The study also found that when Republican Senators talk to their wives they lie about 10 times every 3 minutes.
Police in Florida are trying to figure out who left 60 pounds of cocaine, worth $1 million, on a busy sidewalk. My guess is, AmyWinehouse.
Kiefer Sutherland has been named the highest paid TV actor, earning $550,000 for each episode of “24”. That’s like a hundred grand forevery, “Dammit!”
Republican Senator Chuck Grassley said at his town hall yesterday inIowa that President Obama’s health care plan could mean “pulling theplug on grandma.” After he said it, an elderly woman shouted, “Yeah, just try to catch me!” And then sped off in her Jazzy Scooter.
This electric car one-upsmanship is crazy – first GM said the Chevy Volt would get 230 mpg, and yesterday Nissan announced their electriccar – The Leaf – would get 367 mpg… Then Toyota was like our new electric car has a “Flux Capacitor”… It’s crazy.
A new federal report finds that NASA doesn’t have the $800 million it needs to track asteroids that pose a threat to Earth. But don’t worry: NASA officials plan to ask Obama if old space shuttles count as “Clunkers.”
Heidi Montag – star of “The Hills” – says she used Playboy magazine toshop for the perfect breasts when she got implants back in 2007 –which is odd because Heidi always struck me as someone who only checked out Playboy for the articles?
A Muslim woman in Paris was banned from going to a pool because shewas wearing a “burquini” – a swimsuit that covers the entire body. Oooooh so that’s what you call that thing Michael Phelps swims in, a “Burquini.” – I didn’t know he was religious.
A new study from the University of Massachusetts finds that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about 3 times every 10 minutes. The study also found that when Republican Senators talk to their wives they lie about 10 times every 3 minutes.
Police in Florida are trying to figure out who left 60 pounds of cocaine, worth $1 million, on a busy sidewalk. My guess is, AmyWinehouse.
Kiefer Sutherland has been named the highest paid TV actor, earning $550,000 for each episode of “24”. That’s like a hundred grand forevery, “Dammit!”
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