When asked to explain how he spent his secret trip to South America,Governor Mark Sanford said, "I've spent the last five days crying in Argentina". Well, that does explain one thing: He's one of those dudes that cries after sex.
Did you read Gov. Sanford's emails to his mistress? In them he talks about her, "gentle kisses," her "tan lines," and "the curves of herhips." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "I feel your pain." (As Bill Clinton)
Rosie O'Donnell is returning to the airwaves everyone! She's gettingher own daily radio talk show on Sirius XL Radio... excuse me, XMRadio. Sorry.
A judge in New Jersey temporarily banned the former boyfriend ofDanielle Staub – from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” – fromreleasing a sex tape with her in it. From what I've heard though, youcan't see too much in the video because her bangs block the camera.
... The judge said the video can't be released unless the owner iswilling to pay royalties for all the Bon Jovi playing in thebackground.
"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" opened yesterday and brought in
over 60 million dollars - shattering the record for biggest Wednesday
opening in the history of Hollywood. Not only that, the movie also won the Oscar for "Best Picture This Week."
Apples has approved the sale of the 1st Soft-Core Porn App for iPhones
or iTouch. But guys, word of advice when using it... don't let your mom walk in on you while you're shaking your phone.
Wired magazine editor Chris Anderson admitted to using whole passagesfrom Wikipedia in his new book about free products on the Web. He saidhe learned it from Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Jennifer Lopez is shutting down her "Sweetface" clothing line due toeconomic restructuring. She'll replace it with a new clothing linenamed after her husband Marc Anthony called, "Skeleton Face."
President Obama "dis-invited" Iranian diplomats to Fourth of Julycelebrations in Washington, D.C. after the violent crackdown inTehran. He's also de-gifting the "Chipotle" gift cards he sent themfor Cinco De Mayo.
The Phoenix Suns traded Shaquille O'Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers yesterday, teaming him with Lebron James. In Phoenix they called him,"The Big Shaq-tus" but in Cleveland they'll probably just call him,"The Big... Dude Next to Lebron"
Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager, Polo Molina, afterhe punched the blogger outside a club in Toronto on Monday. Molina andthe Black Eyed Peas aren't backing down however, they said, "Let's get the trial started-d, let's get the trial started in he-ah!"
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
6/24/09
It was announced today that President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the major league All Star Game in July. And earlier in the weekend, Michele Obama will compete in the Home Run Derby.
A nine-year old boy in Utah says an episode of Man vs. Wild on the Discovery channel helped him survive a night alone in the woods. It's not the first time a TV show helped him out of a scary situation. He was once left alone in "the Hills" and survived by crashing in LC's pool house.
Phil Spector has been assigned to a "sensitive needs facility" in the prison where he's serving his 19-year sentence. It's just like regular prison but with better conditioner.
Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir – to be published in the spring of 2011. Cheney said his book would be out sooner but he has towrite President Bush's memoir first.
Did you hear Dick Cheney is writing a memoir about his time as Vice President? He's writing it himself, no ghostwriter... mostly because even ghosts are scared of Dick Cheney.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s surrogate gave birth totwin girls on Tuesday – Marion and Tabitha. So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome them both into the world... along with the other 27 million Marions and Tabithas that will be born this year.
Did you guys hear about the Japanese satellite that crashed into the moon on Tuesday? Authorities say an old Japanese woman was driving it.
An Ikea in Brooklyn is offering free day care for up to 45 minutes while parents shop. It's so much fun for the kids, they get to play on the "Jungle-Jojka", the "Merry-Go-Ryndviklab" and the "WeebleWobjorngornvyklaard."
A nine-year old boy in Utah says an episode of Man vs. Wild on the Discovery channel helped him survive a night alone in the woods. It's not the first time a TV show helped him out of a scary situation. He was once left alone in "the Hills" and survived by crashing in LC's pool house.
Phil Spector has been assigned to a "sensitive needs facility" in the prison where he's serving his 19-year sentence. It's just like regular prison but with better conditioner.
Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir – to be published in the spring of 2011. Cheney said his book would be out sooner but he has towrite President Bush's memoir first.
Did you hear Dick Cheney is writing a memoir about his time as Vice President? He's writing it himself, no ghostwriter... mostly because even ghosts are scared of Dick Cheney.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s surrogate gave birth totwin girls on Tuesday – Marion and Tabitha. So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome them both into the world... along with the other 27 million Marions and Tabithas that will be born this year.
Did you guys hear about the Japanese satellite that crashed into the moon on Tuesday? Authorities say an old Japanese woman was driving it.
An Ikea in Brooklyn is offering free day care for up to 45 minutes while parents shop. It's so much fun for the kids, they get to play on the "Jungle-Jojka", the "Merry-Go-Ryndviklab" and the "WeebleWobjorngornvyklaard."
6/23/09
Jon and Kate Gosselin – of Jon & Kate Plus 8 – have filed for divorce. Which is exciting news for all those dudes out there lookin' to date an annoying mother of 8.
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. Turns out blood sugar smells like a dog’s ass.
Dunkin Donuts unveiled an iPhone App, “Dunkin’ Run” which allows users to place orders online. It’s ironic since anyone ordering donuts online probably doesn’t run anywhere.
An earthquake struck outside Anchorage, Alaska on Monday morning. It registered a 5.4 on the Richter scale… and an “Oh gosh, you betcha that was scary” on the Palin Scale.
Scientists in Morocco discovered the remains of the oldest known elephant relative, dating back 60 million years. The remains were positively identified by, “Snuffaluffagus”.
During her visit to San Francisco on Monday, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. And if you don’t… she will physically make you!
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. Turns out blood sugar smells like a dog’s ass.
Dunkin Donuts unveiled an iPhone App, “Dunkin’ Run” which allows users to place orders online. It’s ironic since anyone ordering donuts online probably doesn’t run anywhere.
An earthquake struck outside Anchorage, Alaska on Monday morning. It registered a 5.4 on the Richter scale… and an “Oh gosh, you betcha that was scary” on the Palin Scale.
Scientists in Morocco discovered the remains of the oldest known elephant relative, dating back 60 million years. The remains were positively identified by, “Snuffaluffagus”.
During her visit to San Francisco on Monday, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. And if you don’t… she will physically make you!
6/22/09
Yesterday was Father's Day so to all the dad's out there, Happy Father's Day! And to all the guests of the Maury Povich Show, Happy "You Are Not the Father's" Day!
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club – after Republicans questioned her membership. Next on the GOP's list: Getting Sasha and Malia Obama to resign from the Burger King Kid's Club.
No one was injured when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in L.A. on Friday because of smoke in the cockpit. Next time he has to fly, Schwarzenegger says he'll probably just take, "THE CHOPPER!"
It was revealed over the weekend that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave in January. Doctors say unlike his old liver, now his new one can take videos and cut n' paste.
It's official, Gisele Bundchen is pregnant and will give birth early next year. Husband Tom Brady said he can't wait to witness Gisele experience the miracle of childbirth... And her gynocologist said, "neither can I."
Oprah is paying for her entire staff and their families to go on a $5,400 a person, Mediterranean cruise to Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy and Malta. Oooh I wonder where she got that idea??? Maybe the $20 Booze Cruise to New Jersey I'm taking my staff on? Nice try Oprah!
Portugal will reportedly accept “two or three prisoners” from Guantanamo Bay. In return America will receive a prisoner to be named later.
The federal government will conduct a nearly half a million-dollar study in order to find out why men prefer not to wear condoms during sex. Here's how the budget for the study breaks down: $20 bucks for "research" and $499, 980 to pay the guy who has to write down all the reasons.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will make a full recovery after having a successful surgery to repair her broken right elbow on Friday. Unfortunately she's right handed so now she'll have to learn how to give Bill the finger with her left hand.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club – after Republicans questioned her membership. Next on the GOP's list: Getting Sasha and Malia Obama to resign from the Burger King Kid's Club.
No one was injured when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in L.A. on Friday because of smoke in the cockpit. Next time he has to fly, Schwarzenegger says he'll probably just take, "THE CHOPPER!"
It was revealed over the weekend that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave in January. Doctors say unlike his old liver, now his new one can take videos and cut n' paste.
It's official, Gisele Bundchen is pregnant and will give birth early next year. Husband Tom Brady said he can't wait to witness Gisele experience the miracle of childbirth... And her gynocologist said, "neither can I."
Oprah is paying for her entire staff and their families to go on a $5,400 a person, Mediterranean cruise to Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy and Malta. Oooh I wonder where she got that idea??? Maybe the $20 Booze Cruise to New Jersey I'm taking my staff on? Nice try Oprah!
Portugal will reportedly accept “two or three prisoners” from Guantanamo Bay. In return America will receive a prisoner to be named later.
The federal government will conduct a nearly half a million-dollar study in order to find out why men prefer not to wear condoms during sex. Here's how the budget for the study breaks down: $20 bucks for "research" and $499, 980 to pay the guy who has to write down all the reasons.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will make a full recovery after having a successful surgery to repair her broken right elbow on Friday. Unfortunately she's right handed so now she'll have to learn how to give Bill the finger with her left hand.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
6/19/08
(ANOTHER POSSIBLE JOKE ON THE SHOW)
***Happy birthday to Paula Abdul who turned 47 years old today. When she blew her candles out, they registered a .08"***
Barack Obama wrote an article for Parade magazine urging fathers to step up admitting, "I have been an imperfect father, I have made mistakes." Yeah like that time he killed Malia's pet fly.
A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. You can also switch the dress to vibrate for when you're "sexting."
“The Hulk” star Lou Ferrigno is working as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer for his upcoming London concert series. Apparently Jackson wants his next color change to be to green.
... Apparently now Jackson wants to learn how to change his skin from white to green.
To celebrate the end of his 2-year driving ban for being caught behind the wheel high on marijuana – George Michael bought a $200,000 Ferrari California. It's an awesome car, it can "GO-GO" 0-60 in 4 seconds.
Happy Birthday to Actress Phylicia Rashad who turned 61 today. She celebrated with a footrub from Bill Cosby.
A new study found that women aged 25-39 are the most frequent users of digital video recorders... Industry experts were amazed by the statistic especially since DVR's don't vibrate.
In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest. Parishioners say her arrest finally explains the "other" opening in the confessional booth wall.
Dodgers manager Joe Torre earned his 2,195th major league win last night - placing him 5th all time on the regular season wins list. Wow, can you believe that?... Now managers are even juicing.
***Happy birthday to Paula Abdul who turned 47 years old today. When she blew her candles out, they registered a .08"***
Barack Obama wrote an article for Parade magazine urging fathers to step up admitting, "I have been an imperfect father, I have made mistakes." Yeah like that time he killed Malia's pet fly.
A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. You can also switch the dress to vibrate for when you're "sexting."
“The Hulk” star Lou Ferrigno is working as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer for his upcoming London concert series. Apparently Jackson wants his next color change to be to green.
... Apparently now Jackson wants to learn how to change his skin from white to green.
To celebrate the end of his 2-year driving ban for being caught behind the wheel high on marijuana – George Michael bought a $200,000 Ferrari California. It's an awesome car, it can "GO-GO" 0-60 in 4 seconds.
Happy Birthday to Actress Phylicia Rashad who turned 61 today. She celebrated with a footrub from Bill Cosby.
A new study found that women aged 25-39 are the most frequent users of digital video recorders... Industry experts were amazed by the statistic especially since DVR's don't vibrate.
In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest. Parishioners say her arrest finally explains the "other" opening in the confessional booth wall.
Dodgers manager Joe Torre earned his 2,195th major league win last night - placing him 5th all time on the regular season wins list. Wow, can you believe that?... Now managers are even juicing.
6/18/09
Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel are separating after nearly five years of marriage... Friends of the couple say he's the one "Movin' Out!"
... Friends weren't surprised by the news because they say lately Joel's been "Under Pressure!"
Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose during the opening number last week. Apparently he decided getting tied up in a bunch red type with the producers of the Tony's was just way too kinky.
Happy birthday to Sir Paul McCartney who turned 67 years old yesterday. He celebrated into the wee hours of the morning until the party was broken up by Yoko Ono.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall Wednesday. Doctors say it could've been a lot worse, she could've broken one of her "cankles".
... Friends weren't surprised by the news because they say lately Joel's been "Under Pressure!"
Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose during the opening number last week. Apparently he decided getting tied up in a bunch red type with the producers of the Tony's was just way too kinky.
Happy birthday to Sir Paul McCartney who turned 67 years old yesterday. He celebrated into the wee hours of the morning until the party was broken up by Yoko Ono.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall Wednesday. Doctors say it could've been a lot worse, she could've broken one of her "cankles".
6/17/09
Lindsay Lohan posted a topless self-portrait on Twitter yesterday. Unfortunately her hair was covering up her "tweets".
Can you believe all this rain we've been having? Mother Nature's acting so crazy, Al Roker asked her, "Are you proud of all this? Are you proud?"
The season premiere of HBO’s “True Blood” was watched by 3.7 million viewers – the most watched HBO show since “The Sopranos” season finale. When NBC heard this they immediately fired me and gave my job to Anna Paquin's boobs.
The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. No word yet on whether or not he got them from Manny Ramirez's OBGYN.
Big movie news, Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I know it's hard to believe but he's not "La-BLUFF'n".
Here's some good news... Construction of new homes in May jumped by 17.2 percent. Although to be clear, most of those homes were made out of refrigerator boxes.
Last night on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" former Idol contestant Sanjaya told the camp he's attracted to girls. So for the record: Sanjaya, straight. Adam Lambert, gay. Kelly Clarkson, straight. Ryan Seacrest... really short.
Starbucks recalled 530,000 coffee grinders because they can pose a risk by turning on unexpectedly. Yeah apparently Starbucks is haunted by all the time that's been killed there.
The Senate estimates the cost for new healthcare legislation at around $1.6 trillion. And that doesn't even cover universal healthcare... it just covers new magazine subscriptions for the waiting rooms...
Can you believe all this rain we've been having? Mother Nature's acting so crazy, Al Roker asked her, "Are you proud of all this? Are you proud?"
The season premiere of HBO’s “True Blood” was watched by 3.7 million viewers – the most watched HBO show since “The Sopranos” season finale. When NBC heard this they immediately fired me and gave my job to Anna Paquin's boobs.
The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. No word yet on whether or not he got them from Manny Ramirez's OBGYN.
Big movie news, Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I know it's hard to believe but he's not "La-BLUFF'n".
Here's some good news... Construction of new homes in May jumped by 17.2 percent. Although to be clear, most of those homes were made out of refrigerator boxes.
Last night on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" former Idol contestant Sanjaya told the camp he's attracted to girls. So for the record: Sanjaya, straight. Adam Lambert, gay. Kelly Clarkson, straight. Ryan Seacrest... really short.
Starbucks recalled 530,000 coffee grinders because they can pose a risk by turning on unexpectedly. Yeah apparently Starbucks is haunted by all the time that's been killed there.
The Senate estimates the cost for new healthcare legislation at around $1.6 trillion. And that doesn't even cover universal healthcare... it just covers new magazine subscriptions for the waiting rooms...
6/16/09
Did you see Al Roker grill Heidi and Spencer Pratt on the Today Show yesterday? Many are accusing him of over-doing it but Roker said he likes his interview subjects well done.
Sarah Palin accepted David Letterman’s apology for jokes he said about her daughter. But she said she'll never forgive Sirajul and Mujibur for 9/11.
... Biff Henderson for killing Nicole Brown Simpson...
My Space is laying off 30% of its workforce. But don't worry, that doesn't mean you won't stop receiving friend requests from strippers
During his speech before the American Medical Association on Monday,
President Obama called the rising costs of health care a “ticking time
bomb.” When Kim Jong-Il heard this he immediately asked if he could
detonate it.
On the WWE's weekly wrestling show Monday Night Raw, Chairman Vince
McMahon announced that he has sold the Raw franchise to Donald Trump.
His first act as owner: Instead of title belts, champions will now
have to wear gold hair pieces.
A new study finds that 45% of U.S. college students admit to binge
drinking. The number's actually much higher but the study was
performed by a bunch of drunk college students.
A new survey finds that 28% of Americans blame the Internet for
spending less time with their families. Yeah, and their families say it's because their relatives wont shut up about "tweeting."
Katie Holmes will reportedly join the cast of “So You Think You Can
Dance.” Not to be outdone her husband Tom Cruise will reportedly join
the cast of "So You Think You Can Make Up a Religion."
President Obama spoke for 56 minutes on Monday before the American
Medical Association – the longest speech of his presidency so far. It
was so long even Joe Biden fell asleep.
China held its first ever Gay Pride Festival over the weekend. It was
highlighted by a float shaped like a giant set of "Wok and Balls".
All the food sold at the festival was served with double-sided chopsticks...
The festival took place in "SEA-ana-MEN" Square.
... Unfortunately the festival was marred by some vandalism when a few
holes were found in the Great Wall... which now is being referred to
as the "Glory Wall of China."
Sarah Palin accepted David Letterman’s apology for jokes he said about her daughter. But she said she'll never forgive Sirajul and Mujibur for 9/11.
... Biff Henderson for killing Nicole Brown Simpson...
My Space is laying off 30% of its workforce. But don't worry, that doesn't mean you won't stop receiving friend requests from strippers
During his speech before the American Medical Association on Monday,
President Obama called the rising costs of health care a “ticking time
bomb.” When Kim Jong-Il heard this he immediately asked if he could
detonate it.
On the WWE's weekly wrestling show Monday Night Raw, Chairman Vince
McMahon announced that he has sold the Raw franchise to Donald Trump.
His first act as owner: Instead of title belts, champions will now
have to wear gold hair pieces.
A new study finds that 45% of U.S. college students admit to binge
drinking. The number's actually much higher but the study was
performed by a bunch of drunk college students.
A new survey finds that 28% of Americans blame the Internet for
spending less time with their families. Yeah, and their families say it's because their relatives wont shut up about "tweeting."
Katie Holmes will reportedly join the cast of “So You Think You Can
Dance.” Not to be outdone her husband Tom Cruise will reportedly join
the cast of "So You Think You Can Make Up a Religion."
President Obama spoke for 56 minutes on Monday before the American
Medical Association – the longest speech of his presidency so far. It
was so long even Joe Biden fell asleep.
China held its first ever Gay Pride Festival over the weekend. It was
highlighted by a float shaped like a giant set of "Wok and Balls".
All the food sold at the festival was served with double-sided chopsticks...
The festival took place in "SEA-ana-MEN" Square.
... Unfortunately the festival was marred by some vandalism when a few
holes were found in the Great Wall... which now is being referred to
as the "Glory Wall of China."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
6/15/09
Health officials in Los Angeles are offering free STD test kits thatcan be used at home and mailed back to a lab. The shipping material sare discreet but they do include a warning for postal workers to,"handle with Valtrex."
Did you see, The Yankees beat the Mets yesterday, 15-0 – the biggest blowout in the Subway Series history. The loss was so bad, after the game many of the Mets could be seen asking A-Rod for his cousin's phone number.
What a weekend in sports: The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup, the LA Lakers won the NBA Championship and the Mets qualified for The Biggest Loser.
R&B singer Usher filed for divorce from his wife after less than 2 years of marriage. Apparently she was spending too much time makin'"Love in this club... in this club..." (Singing)
A new survey finds that nearly 50% of people blame the bad economy for their weight gain. The other 50% blame it on the P'zone!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected as President of Iran this weekend. He ran on the campaign slogan: "Yes Some of Us Can"
A new study on the economy finds that Sbarro is among the most vulnerable restaurant chains to bankruptcy. Loyal customers of the restaurant are hoping for a government bailout... with a side of garlic knots.
Historians in Italy have discovered a nude painting that resembles the Mona Lisa – and believe it was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci. They're hailing it as the oldest known celebrity nipple slip...
Apparently the historians found the nude portrait of the Mona Lisa in her boyfriend's cellphone...
The nude pic was leaked to TMZ-MLXXVII.com
New research finds that “House,” starring Hugh Laurie, was the most popular TV show in the world last year, with more than 81.8 million viewers. The most unpopular show: "Roker's Anatomy"
The world’s largest pair of jeans – the size of six tennis courts –was stitched together on Sunday in Croatia. Witnesses say the jeans will go great with just about everything in Aretha Franklin's closet.
Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, after falling into nearly 2 billion dollars in debt. It's so bad thier stock dropped from $41 a share to26 cents a share, then did 13 loop-de-loops, flew off the track and crashed into the funnel cake stand.
The amusement park chain Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy – the stock has dropped from $41 a share to 26 cents a share. You know it's bad when the only ride left is a lapdance from the Six Flags guy. (Ba da ba baba ba da, Ba da ba ba ba ba da...)
Did you see, The Yankees beat the Mets yesterday, 15-0 – the biggest blowout in the Subway Series history. The loss was so bad, after the game many of the Mets could be seen asking A-Rod for his cousin's phone number.
What a weekend in sports: The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup, the LA Lakers won the NBA Championship and the Mets qualified for The Biggest Loser.
R&B singer Usher filed for divorce from his wife after less than 2 years of marriage. Apparently she was spending too much time makin'"Love in this club... in this club..." (Singing)
A new survey finds that nearly 50% of people blame the bad economy for their weight gain. The other 50% blame it on the P'zone!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected as President of Iran this weekend. He ran on the campaign slogan: "Yes Some of Us Can"
A new study on the economy finds that Sbarro is among the most vulnerable restaurant chains to bankruptcy. Loyal customers of the restaurant are hoping for a government bailout... with a side of garlic knots.
Historians in Italy have discovered a nude painting that resembles the Mona Lisa – and believe it was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci. They're hailing it as the oldest known celebrity nipple slip...
Apparently the historians found the nude portrait of the Mona Lisa in her boyfriend's cellphone...
The nude pic was leaked to TMZ-MLXXVII.com
New research finds that “House,” starring Hugh Laurie, was the most popular TV show in the world last year, with more than 81.8 million viewers. The most unpopular show: "Roker's Anatomy"
The world’s largest pair of jeans – the size of six tennis courts –was stitched together on Sunday in Croatia. Witnesses say the jeans will go great with just about everything in Aretha Franklin's closet.
Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, after falling into nearly 2 billion dollars in debt. It's so bad thier stock dropped from $41 a share to26 cents a share, then did 13 loop-de-loops, flew off the track and crashed into the funnel cake stand.
The amusement park chain Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy – the stock has dropped from $41 a share to 26 cents a share. You know it's bad when the only ride left is a lapdance from the Six Flags guy. (Ba da ba baba ba da, Ba da ba ba ba ba da...)
Friday, June 12, 2009
6/12/09 - Latest Joke on the Show/ Goldich collabo
(LATEST JOKE ON THE SHOW - COLLABO WITH MATT GOLDICH)
***Cher’s daughter, Chastity Bono, will have gender reassignment surgery – and
will soon become a man. She's even writing a song about it called, "I Got You, Balls".***
Doctors say they will build her a penis using some of her mother's old faces.
Cher said, "it's no big deal... I've had the surgery hundreds of times..."
On Thursday, President Obama wrote and signed a note for a fourth-grade girl
in Green Bay, Wisconsin who missed a day of school so she could hear him
speak at a town hall meeting. While he was there he also wrote a note
for Brett Favre so he could play for the Vikings.
... Obama also wrote a note to get Joe Biden out of detention.
Joy Behar – the co-host of “The View” – will get her own nightly talk
show on CNN this fall. Instead of a panel of women talking about “Hot
Topics” Behar will mostly just talk about her “Hot Flashes.”
Police in Tennessee intercepted nearly 35 pounds of hallucinogenic
mushrooms baked into 500 Reeses Peanut Butter cups that were intended
for the Bonnaroo music festival. I told you we should’ve used
Butterfingers! --- JARED.
A subway conductor used her uniform jacket to catch a newborn baby on
Thursday afternoon when a woman went into labor on a New York City
subway train. Then the conductor bought a blinking neon keychain from
a Chinese woman to get the baby to stop crying.
Today marks the switch from analog to digital television in the United
States. Which means my parents can no longer watch the show… So, bring
on the nudity!
The Senate voted overwhelmingly on Thursday to limit the levels of
nicotine in cigarettes. But you know what? They can never take away
how cool you look when you smoke them.
A man in Michigan was arrested this week after he broke into a woman’s
house while wearing a purple bra and boxer shorts. Guess we know how
Manny Ramirez is spending his 50-game suspension.
A massive underground drug smuggling tunnel snaking through the
U.S.-Mexican border was discovered recently. The authorities
inspecting the tunnel are just glad it was used for Mexican drug
smuggling and not Mexican plumbing.
The 23rd season of MTV's "The Real World" will shoot this summer in
Washington, D.C. It's the true story of seven strangers who stop being
polite and start acting like Joe Biden.
***Cher’s daughter, Chastity Bono, will have gender reassignment surgery – and
will soon become a man. She's even writing a song about it called, "I Got You, Balls".***
Doctors say they will build her a penis using some of her mother's old faces.
Cher said, "it's no big deal... I've had the surgery hundreds of times..."
On Thursday, President Obama wrote and signed a note for a fourth-grade girl
in Green Bay, Wisconsin who missed a day of school so she could hear him
speak at a town hall meeting. While he was there he also wrote a note
for Brett Favre so he could play for the Vikings.
... Obama also wrote a note to get Joe Biden out of detention.
Joy Behar – the co-host of “The View” – will get her own nightly talk
show on CNN this fall. Instead of a panel of women talking about “Hot
Topics” Behar will mostly just talk about her “Hot Flashes.”
Police in Tennessee intercepted nearly 35 pounds of hallucinogenic
mushrooms baked into 500 Reeses Peanut Butter cups that were intended
for the Bonnaroo music festival. I told you we should’ve used
Butterfingers! --- JARED.
A subway conductor used her uniform jacket to catch a newborn baby on
Thursday afternoon when a woman went into labor on a New York City
subway train. Then the conductor bought a blinking neon keychain from
a Chinese woman to get the baby to stop crying.
Today marks the switch from analog to digital television in the United
States. Which means my parents can no longer watch the show… So, bring
on the nudity!
The Senate voted overwhelmingly on Thursday to limit the levels of
nicotine in cigarettes. But you know what? They can never take away
how cool you look when you smoke them.
A man in Michigan was arrested this week after he broke into a woman’s
house while wearing a purple bra and boxer shorts. Guess we know how
Manny Ramirez is spending his 50-game suspension.
A massive underground drug smuggling tunnel snaking through the
U.S.-Mexican border was discovered recently. The authorities
inspecting the tunnel are just glad it was used for Mexican drug
smuggling and not Mexican plumbing.
The 23rd season of MTV's "The Real World" will shoot this summer in
Washington, D.C. It's the true story of seven strangers who stop being
polite and start acting like Joe Biden.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
6/10/09
A Frenchman shattered the world record for holding one’s breath underwater – at 11 minutes and 35 seconds. Upon exiting the water, the first thing he did was take a Crepe.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor’s approval hearings will beginon July 13. A smooth confirmation is expected... unless Republicans find something that TRIPS her up... But short of that, look for the hearings to wrap up around FALL.
George Bush, Sr. will celebrate his 85th birthday on Friday by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Not to be outdone, George W.Bush will spend the day trying to pronounce Greta Van Sustren.
Prince reportedly needs a double hip replacement – but because of religious reasons, will not undergo the surgery. Which is a relief tohis doctors who had no idea where they were gonna find replacement hips that small.
Scary news out of North Carolina, an explosion at a Slim Jim beef jerky factory collapsed the roof and injured dozens. When reached for comment Macho Man Randy Savage said, "Oooooooo Yeeeeeeeeah, snap into a FRIED Slim Jim!"
Police officers in London are being accused of waterboarding suspected drug dealers. Yeah but when the British do it, it sounds like such a smart idea.
In Rolling Stone magazine, Adam Lambert says he was inspired to audition for “American Idol” after having a “psychedelic experience”at the Burning Man festival in Nevada. And by "psychedelic experience"he means someone slipped some LSD in his eye liner.
A new poll finds that Vancouver, British Columbia is the easiest city in the world to live in. The second easiest city? Wherever LindsayLohan is.
Happy Birthday to Jo-Jo from K-Ci and Jo-Jo who turned 38 today. He celebrated by trying to convince the shift manager at Jamba Juice that he's Jo-Jo from K-Ci and Jo-Jo.
According to the California board of elections, A 16-year-old boy from outside San Francisco will run for City Council in 2010. How do I know this? Because I've been sent here from the future to stop John Connor!
In an interview this week, the new CEO of General Motors, Ed Whitacre literally said, "I don't know anything about cars.” Probably not what President Obama wanted to hear but former President Bush told him,“Whitey you’re doin’ a heck of a job!”
The new GM Chairman, Ed Whitacre, also said: "I think I can learn about cars. I’m not that old" – Meanwhile, he’s 67! I’m not sayin’that’s too old to learn about cars but he still drives a DeLorean.
… I’m not saying that’s old but he still has his turn signal on and he made the turn an hour ago.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor’s approval hearings will beginon July 13. A smooth confirmation is expected... unless Republicans find something that TRIPS her up... But short of that, look for the hearings to wrap up around FALL.
George Bush, Sr. will celebrate his 85th birthday on Friday by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Not to be outdone, George W.Bush will spend the day trying to pronounce Greta Van Sustren.
Prince reportedly needs a double hip replacement – but because of religious reasons, will not undergo the surgery. Which is a relief tohis doctors who had no idea where they were gonna find replacement hips that small.
Scary news out of North Carolina, an explosion at a Slim Jim beef jerky factory collapsed the roof and injured dozens. When reached for comment Macho Man Randy Savage said, "Oooooooo Yeeeeeeeeah, snap into a FRIED Slim Jim!"
Police officers in London are being accused of waterboarding suspected drug dealers. Yeah but when the British do it, it sounds like such a smart idea.
In Rolling Stone magazine, Adam Lambert says he was inspired to audition for “American Idol” after having a “psychedelic experience”at the Burning Man festival in Nevada. And by "psychedelic experience"he means someone slipped some LSD in his eye liner.
A new poll finds that Vancouver, British Columbia is the easiest city in the world to live in. The second easiest city? Wherever LindsayLohan is.
Happy Birthday to Jo-Jo from K-Ci and Jo-Jo who turned 38 today. He celebrated by trying to convince the shift manager at Jamba Juice that he's Jo-Jo from K-Ci and Jo-Jo.
According to the California board of elections, A 16-year-old boy from outside San Francisco will run for City Council in 2010. How do I know this? Because I've been sent here from the future to stop John Connor!
In an interview this week, the new CEO of General Motors, Ed Whitacre literally said, "I don't know anything about cars.” Probably not what President Obama wanted to hear but former President Bush told him,“Whitey you’re doin’ a heck of a job!”
The new GM Chairman, Ed Whitacre, also said: "I think I can learn about cars. I’m not that old" – Meanwhile, he’s 67! I’m not sayin’that’s too old to learn about cars but he still drives a DeLorean.
… I’m not saying that’s old but he still has his turn signal on and he made the turn an hour ago.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
6/9/09
It’s been confirmed: Brett Michaels suffered a broken nose after a set piece at the Tony’s landed on his head. In a statement Michaels said he’s grateful for all of the support from the Broadway community…especially Liza Minelli who’s already offered him one of her old noses.
According to Michael’s manager, the first people to come to his aid backstage were Shrek and the Donkey who helped him up and handed him atowel. Then Brett Michaels had sex with them.
54-year-old Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fractured her rightankle on Monday when she tripped at LaGuardia Airport. But it wasn’ther fault. Those robes can be very hard to walk in…
British singer Pete Doherty was arrested on Monday for doing heroin onan airplane from London to Geneva. Airline officials became aware of Doherty’s in flight drug use when he started complaining that he ordered the “Kosher Heroin.”
It’s being reported that Liam Neeson is in talks to star in the bigscreen remake of the A-Team. I hope it works out because if anyone can fill Mr. T’s shoes, it’s Liam Neeson.
American Idol’s final two, winner Kris Allen and runner up Adam Lambert both signed record deals this week. Allen signed his in his hometown of Conway, Arkansas, and Lambert signed his in eyeliner pencil.
Twitter is planning to unveil a verification system to help eliminate celebrity imposter pages. Which reminds me of a hilarious tweet I saw from the Pope this morning…
According to Michael’s manager, the first people to come to his aid backstage were Shrek and the Donkey who helped him up and handed him atowel. Then Brett Michaels had sex with them.
54-year-old Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fractured her rightankle on Monday when she tripped at LaGuardia Airport. But it wasn’ther fault. Those robes can be very hard to walk in…
British singer Pete Doherty was arrested on Monday for doing heroin onan airplane from London to Geneva. Airline officials became aware of Doherty’s in flight drug use when he started complaining that he ordered the “Kosher Heroin.”
It’s being reported that Liam Neeson is in talks to star in the bigscreen remake of the A-Team. I hope it works out because if anyone can fill Mr. T’s shoes, it’s Liam Neeson.
American Idol’s final two, winner Kris Allen and runner up Adam Lambert both signed record deals this week. Allen signed his in his hometown of Conway, Arkansas, and Lambert signed his in eyeliner pencil.
Twitter is planning to unveil a verification system to help eliminate celebrity imposter pages. Which reminds me of a hilarious tweet I saw from the Pope this morning…
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
6/8/09
Did you guys see the Tony’s last night? The opening number was the biggest and most expensive in show history. The highlight was the castof Hair leading an all star Broadway medley in “Let the Sunshine in”.The lowlight: Liza Minelli performing the nude scene from Hair.
Brett Michaels even performed in the opening number. He's the first person to ever perform on the Tony’s that’s had sex with awoman.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs will return from his medical leave at the end ofJune. Apparently whatever his condition was, now “there’s an App forthat.”
Things got scary at the French Open yesterday. A spectator climbedonto the court and tried to put a hat on Roger Federer’s head. Federer’s ok, but he said just the thought of wearing a beret has him completely freaked out.
Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down President Obama’soffer to be Secretary of State. But quickly reconsidered after she realized how cheap pantsuits are overseas.
A new survey finds that political conservatives are more likely to be grossed out by the sight of bugs than liberals. And the survey numbers nearly double if the bugs are gay.
A US “taster” tested the food that was served to President Obama atdinner in a French restaurant on Saturday night. Despite their political differences, Rush Limbaugh says it’s a great gig.
Scientists in Utah discovered the 20-foot-long bone of a dinosaur thisweek. In a related story… congratulations to Pamela Anderson on her engagement to a 20-foot-long dinosaur bone.
A woman in Florida was saved from her burning home this weekend whenher barking Chihuahua woke her up at 3 a.m. Amazingly, the Chihuahua was staying with a relative in Pennsylvania.
For the first time in 30 years, Saudis were allowed to go to the movies this weekend - they went to a triplex and got to choose from... Forbidding Sarah Marshall, How Stella Got her Groove Taken Away, and Making Ms. Daisy Walk.
Brett Michaels even performed in the opening number. He's the first person to ever perform on the Tony’s that’s had sex with awoman.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs will return from his medical leave at the end ofJune. Apparently whatever his condition was, now “there’s an App forthat.”
Things got scary at the French Open yesterday. A spectator climbedonto the court and tried to put a hat on Roger Federer’s head. Federer’s ok, but he said just the thought of wearing a beret has him completely freaked out.
Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down President Obama’soffer to be Secretary of State. But quickly reconsidered after she realized how cheap pantsuits are overseas.
A new survey finds that political conservatives are more likely to be grossed out by the sight of bugs than liberals. And the survey numbers nearly double if the bugs are gay.
A US “taster” tested the food that was served to President Obama atdinner in a French restaurant on Saturday night. Despite their political differences, Rush Limbaugh says it’s a great gig.
Scientists in Utah discovered the 20-foot-long bone of a dinosaur thisweek. In a related story… congratulations to Pamela Anderson on her engagement to a 20-foot-long dinosaur bone.
A woman in Florida was saved from her burning home this weekend whenher barking Chihuahua woke her up at 3 a.m. Amazingly, the Chihuahua was staying with a relative in Pennsylvania.
For the first time in 30 years, Saudis were allowed to go to the movies this weekend - they went to a triplex and got to choose from... Forbidding Sarah Marshall, How Stella Got her Groove Taken Away, and Making Ms. Daisy Walk.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
6/5/09
uring his trip to Egypt Thursday, President Obama toured the pyramids
of Giza. When asked what his favorite part was he said it was a tie
between King Tut's tomb and Larry King's tomb.
A nude photo of Carla Bruni – the first lady of France – sold at an
auction on Thursday for over $19,000. The next item up for bid was a
Polaroid of Hilary Clinton flashing one of her "cankles"... that sold
for zero dollars.
Happy Birthday to Saxophonist Kenny G who turned 53 today. Which makes
him just about old enough to actually enjoy his own music.
It was revealed today that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is
over $400,000 in debt. Despite what she owes in unpaid bills, the
Democrats still expect her to be confirmed sometime around
September... and receive her bailout around Christmas.
San Francisco Giants pitcher Randy Johnson won his 300th game
yesterday. Just to give you an idea of how big of a milestone 300 wins
is... Manny Ramirez compared it to the first time he got his period.
Actress Denise Richards revealed in a radio interview that she's had
three breast augmentation surgeries. She chalked the first two up to
being young and stupid and as for the third one... well, "It's
complicated."
President Obama urged Americans, unprepared for the June 12 transition
to digital television, to get a converter box soon before their TV's
go dark. Dick Cheney disagreed that converter boxes are the answer and
recommended that people torture their TV's until they produce a
digital signal.
of Giza. When asked what his favorite part was he said it was a tie
between King Tut's tomb and Larry King's tomb.
A nude photo of Carla Bruni – the first lady of France – sold at an
auction on Thursday for over $19,000. The next item up for bid was a
Polaroid of Hilary Clinton flashing one of her "cankles"... that sold
for zero dollars.
Happy Birthday to Saxophonist Kenny G who turned 53 today. Which makes
him just about old enough to actually enjoy his own music.
It was revealed today that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is
over $400,000 in debt. Despite what she owes in unpaid bills, the
Democrats still expect her to be confirmed sometime around
September... and receive her bailout around Christmas.
San Francisco Giants pitcher Randy Johnson won his 300th game
yesterday. Just to give you an idea of how big of a milestone 300 wins
is... Manny Ramirez compared it to the first time he got his period.
Actress Denise Richards revealed in a radio interview that she's had
three breast augmentation surgeries. She chalked the first two up to
being young and stupid and as for the third one... well, "It's
complicated."
President Obama urged Americans, unprepared for the June 12 transition
to digital television, to get a converter box soon before their TV's
go dark. Dick Cheney disagreed that converter boxes are the answer and
recommended that people torture their TV's until they produce a
digital signal.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
6/4/09
***Bad news for John Kerry, the IRS filed an $800,000 tax lien on his
2004 presidential campaign. Which finally explains his long face.***
(Possibly a 5th joke on the show but set up was different and it's an easy punch, could be anyone's joke...)
Did you watch Brian Williams' special report from the White House this
week? Bo, the Obama's dog stole the show. Not only can he fetch and
roll over... but on command he can sit up and beg Joe Biden to shut
up.
Did you watch Brian Williams' special report from the White House this
week? Apparently it was such a success that NBC News is planning a
similar special following Vice President Joe Biden around for the day.
It's gonna be a 12-part mini series.
Osama bin Laden released a new audiotape Wednesday morning, saying
that President Obama “has planted new seeds of hatred.” When the GOP
heard this they immediately named Bin Laden the new face of the
Republican Party.
... When Rush Limbaugh heard this he said, "now there's a guy I hope succeeds."
Archeologists in Serbia found a finely preserved mammoth skeleton –
believed to be one million years old. Until now the only mammoth
skeleton ever found belonged to Kirstie Alley.
Paul McCartney will perform the first concerts at Citi Field, the new
home of the Mets, on July 17 and 18. To pay tribute to team, he plans
to perform a set from the classic 1966 Beatles concert at Shea Stadium
and then collapse like the 2008 Mets.
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia presented Obama with a large shiny gold
medallion on a thick gold chain. Iniders say the necklace is a regift
from the last time King Abdullah had Mr. T over for dinner.
... Iniders say the necklace is a regift from the last time King
Abdullah had Shaft over for dinner.
What a week for Angelina Jolie. Yesterday she moved passed Oprah for
the top spot on Forbes’ list of the world's most powerful celebrities.
She celebrated by adopting Oprah.
In a speech at Cairo University, President Obama said he wanted "a new
beginning between the U.S. and Muslims throughout the world." Israel
heard this and was like, "a new beginning with the Muslim world, good
luck with that."
In a speech at Cairo University, President Obama said he wanted "a new
beginning between the U.S. and Muslims throughout the world." Israel
heard that and was like, "a new beginning? What do you mean, like a
going out of business sale and then a grand re-opening?"
President Obama received a standing ovation after a historic speech at Cairo
University in Egypt today. Later it turned out it wasn't a standing
ovation at all... the whole audience was just being checked by bomb
sniffing dogs.
2004 presidential campaign. Which finally explains his long face.***
(Possibly a 5th joke on the show but set up was different and it's an easy punch, could be anyone's joke...)
Did you watch Brian Williams' special report from the White House this
week? Bo, the Obama's dog stole the show. Not only can he fetch and
roll over... but on command he can sit up and beg Joe Biden to shut
up.
Did you watch Brian Williams' special report from the White House this
week? Apparently it was such a success that NBC News is planning a
similar special following Vice President Joe Biden around for the day.
It's gonna be a 12-part mini series.
Osama bin Laden released a new audiotape Wednesday morning, saying
that President Obama “has planted new seeds of hatred.” When the GOP
heard this they immediately named Bin Laden the new face of the
Republican Party.
... When Rush Limbaugh heard this he said, "now there's a guy I hope succeeds."
Archeologists in Serbia found a finely preserved mammoth skeleton –
believed to be one million years old. Until now the only mammoth
skeleton ever found belonged to Kirstie Alley.
Paul McCartney will perform the first concerts at Citi Field, the new
home of the Mets, on July 17 and 18. To pay tribute to team, he plans
to perform a set from the classic 1966 Beatles concert at Shea Stadium
and then collapse like the 2008 Mets.
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia presented Obama with a large shiny gold
medallion on a thick gold chain. Iniders say the necklace is a regift
from the last time King Abdullah had Mr. T over for dinner.
... Iniders say the necklace is a regift from the last time King
Abdullah had Shaft over for dinner.
What a week for Angelina Jolie. Yesterday she moved passed Oprah for
the top spot on Forbes’ list of the world's most powerful celebrities.
She celebrated by adopting Oprah.
In a speech at Cairo University, President Obama said he wanted "a new
beginning between the U.S. and Muslims throughout the world." Israel
heard this and was like, "a new beginning with the Muslim world, good
luck with that."
In a speech at Cairo University, President Obama said he wanted "a new
beginning between the U.S. and Muslims throughout the world." Israel
heard that and was like, "a new beginning? What do you mean, like a
going out of business sale and then a grand re-opening?"
President Obama received a standing ovation after a historic speech at Cairo
University in Egypt today. Later it turned out it wasn't a standing
ovation at all... the whole audience was just being checked by bomb
sniffing dogs.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
6/3/09 - 4th JOKE ON THE SHOW!!!
***A woman in Pennsylvania is searching for her runaway pet – a 52-pound
African tortoise. Maybe I can help... "Ma'am if you're listening, have
you tried looking three inches from where you last saw your turtle?"***
A four-day, marathon edition of Hugo Chavez's weekly talk show had to
be cut short this weekend due to technical difficulties. For those of
you who don't know, "technical difficulties" is just TV lingo meaning,
"Heidi and Spencer quit the show."
Zac Efron – from High School Musical – will make a cameo on the sixth
season of HBO’s “Entourage. Producers said anyone from High School
Musical would've fit the bill since the roll called for someone who
could make Lloyd come off straight.
Michael Jackson said he is not physically strong enough to perform 50
concerts in London beginning this summer. The most Jackson thinks he
can do is ten concerts... but that would take a lot of Jesus Juice.
Michael Jackson said he is not physically strong enough to perform 50
concerts in London beginning this summer. He added that only a much
younger man could handle a schedule like that... so if you know of
one, he'd like to meet him.
A co-star says that Brad Pitt uses baby wipes to freshen up when he
doesn’t have time to shower. The co-star also revealed that when Pitt
doesn't have time to go to the bathroom he just dumps Jennifer Aniston
again.
NASA will start using Twitter to invite members of the media to cover
space shuttle launches. If that doesn't get the media to take notice,
NASA will try having Susan Boyle sing the countdown.
... if that doesn't get the media to take notice NASA will try landing
a shuttle in Eminem's lap.
... if that doesn't get the media to take notice NASA will try
cheating on Kate Gosselin.
... NASA tried sending Evites but they just ended up in the media's spam.
African tortoise. Maybe I can help... "Ma'am if you're listening, have
you tried looking three inches from where you last saw your turtle?"***
A four-day, marathon edition of Hugo Chavez's weekly talk show had to
be cut short this weekend due to technical difficulties. For those of
you who don't know, "technical difficulties" is just TV lingo meaning,
"Heidi and Spencer quit the show."
Zac Efron – from High School Musical – will make a cameo on the sixth
season of HBO’s “Entourage. Producers said anyone from High School
Musical would've fit the bill since the roll called for someone who
could make Lloyd come off straight.
Michael Jackson said he is not physically strong enough to perform 50
concerts in London beginning this summer. The most Jackson thinks he
can do is ten concerts... but that would take a lot of Jesus Juice.
Michael Jackson said he is not physically strong enough to perform 50
concerts in London beginning this summer. He added that only a much
younger man could handle a schedule like that... so if you know of
one, he'd like to meet him.
A co-star says that Brad Pitt uses baby wipes to freshen up when he
doesn’t have time to shower. The co-star also revealed that when Pitt
doesn't have time to go to the bathroom he just dumps Jennifer Aniston
again.
NASA will start using Twitter to invite members of the media to cover
space shuttle launches. If that doesn't get the media to take notice,
NASA will try having Susan Boyle sing the countdown.
... if that doesn't get the media to take notice NASA will try landing
a shuttle in Eminem's lap.
... if that doesn't get the media to take notice NASA will try
cheating on Kate Gosselin.
... NASA tried sending Evites but they just ended up in the media's spam.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
6/2/09
North Korea is prepared to launch a long-range missile within a week,
capable of reaching Alaska. Sarah Palin told Alaskans not to worry
because she’ll be keeping an eye on North Korea from her front porch.
Happy birthday to two of the Rolling Stones! Yesterday guitarist Ron
Wood turned 62 ad today drummer Charlie Watts turned 68. That’s half
the Rolling Stones celebrating birthdays… and combined they’re half
the age of Keith Richards.
After only two days of filming "I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of
Here," in the Costa Rican jungle, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have
already tried to quit the show twice. Apparently they’re trying to
quit as many times as they’ve gotten married.
Reports out of North Korea say that Kim Jung Il is grooming the
youngest of his three sons, Kim Jung-Un as his eventually successor.
According to sources, he’s more qualified than his two older brothers
Kim Jung Duh and Kim Jung Fart.
In addition to a Reality Show, now The Octomom, Nadya Suleman has
signed on to also write a book. Sources say readers will be surprised
by what they find inside the book… Most notably: 8 smaller books.
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr unveiled new details about their
upcoming Beatles "Rock Band" videogame at the E3 conference in Los
Angeles. The game features 45 songs from the Beatles catalogue and
comes with LSD so you can play the songs backwards.
Seven more cases of the “Swine Flu” have been confirmed in Israel
bringing the total to 33. I think I speak for everyone when I say,
“Dude, that is so not kosher.”
More bad news for General Motors, they were kicked off the Dow Jones
Industrial Average yesterday. But don't worry, I'm sure GM will just
end up on Dancing with the Stars.
President Obama is inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S. for
Fourth of July celebrations. To make them feel more at home, instead
of fireworks, Obama's just gonna test a bunch of Nukes.
Good luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to
Egypt. He said he's looking forward to visiting the pyramids and
seeing all of Larry King's old drawings.
... While's he's there he plans on visiting the pyramids which were
built entirely by hand... by Michele Obama
capable of reaching Alaska. Sarah Palin told Alaskans not to worry
because she’ll be keeping an eye on North Korea from her front porch.
Happy birthday to two of the Rolling Stones! Yesterday guitarist Ron
Wood turned 62 ad today drummer Charlie Watts turned 68. That’s half
the Rolling Stones celebrating birthdays… and combined they’re half
the age of Keith Richards.
After only two days of filming "I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of
Here," in the Costa Rican jungle, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have
already tried to quit the show twice. Apparently they’re trying to
quit as many times as they’ve gotten married.
Reports out of North Korea say that Kim Jung Il is grooming the
youngest of his three sons, Kim Jung-Un as his eventually successor.
According to sources, he’s more qualified than his two older brothers
Kim Jung Duh and Kim Jung Fart.
In addition to a Reality Show, now The Octomom, Nadya Suleman has
signed on to also write a book. Sources say readers will be surprised
by what they find inside the book… Most notably: 8 smaller books.
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr unveiled new details about their
upcoming Beatles "Rock Band" videogame at the E3 conference in Los
Angeles. The game features 45 songs from the Beatles catalogue and
comes with LSD so you can play the songs backwards.
Seven more cases of the “Swine Flu” have been confirmed in Israel
bringing the total to 33. I think I speak for everyone when I say,
“Dude, that is so not kosher.”
More bad news for General Motors, they were kicked off the Dow Jones
Industrial Average yesterday. But don't worry, I'm sure GM will just
end up on Dancing with the Stars.
President Obama is inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S. for
Fourth of July celebrations. To make them feel more at home, instead
of fireworks, Obama's just gonna test a bunch of Nukes.
Good luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to
Egypt. He said he's looking forward to visiting the pyramids and
seeing all of Larry King's old drawings.
... While's he's there he plans on visiting the pyramids which were
built entirely by hand... by Michele Obama
6/1/09
George W. Bush called Bill Clinton “his brother” during their
appearance together in Toronto Friday. Then they both hopped a plane
to Florida and wedgied Jeb.
Today is June 1st, which marks the official start of hurricane
season... It's Dick Cheney's favorite time of year because he says,
it's like getting waterboarded by Mother Nature.
President and Michelle Obama had a date night Saturday and flew to New York
City to see a Broadway play. It was originally supposed to be a double
date with the Bidens but the Vice President isn't allowed in theatres.
Experts predict that the one-millionth word in the English language will be
added on Wednesday, June 10, 2009. Meanwhile former President Bush
just added his 22nd word to his vocabulary.
GM has declared bankruptcy and, as a result, will get $30 billion more in
taxpayer aid. Which should cover the cost of a brand new line of
"Going Out of Business" signs.
Octomom Nadya Suleman signed a deal on Thursday to star in her own
reality TV show. The working title as of now is, “Nadya and Six, Plus
Eight, Times Crazy”
American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert will confirm that he is gay in an
upcoming issue of Rolling Stone magazine. Finally! Now I can get back
to wondering if “the blind guy” is really blind…
Competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi beat his rival, Joey Chestnut, on
Saturday by eating 5 and ¾ one-pound P’zones in 6 minutes. Wow, that’s
a lot of P’zones… I know the most P’zones I’ve ever eaten is NONE.
President Obama made another surprise stop at a burger joint Friday,
this time at a local DC chain called Five Guys. The visit went way
better than the last time Dick Cheney ate there because this time, no
one got “Pepsi-boarded.”
The National Archives is offering a $50,000 cash reward for the return
of a missing hard drive containing sensitive data from the Clinton
Administration. But officials aren’t taking any chances. They’ve
already changed Clinton’s old password’s to something other than,
“Boobies.”
Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra will not run in the Belmont Stakes
this coming Saturday because her owners say she needs rest. They’re
also worried she might break a nail.
… Instead of the racing, her owners say she’ll probably just stay in
and rent a movie.
Angelina Jolie was briefly hospitalized Friday after she banged her
head while filming an action sequence for a movie. Her injuries aren’t
too serious but they did leave her with a bump the size of her lips.
… A full recovery is expected but doctors did recommend she take a few
days off from adopting anyone.
appearance together in Toronto Friday. Then they both hopped a plane
to Florida and wedgied Jeb.
Today is June 1st, which marks the official start of hurricane
season... It's Dick Cheney's favorite time of year because he says,
it's like getting waterboarded by Mother Nature.
President and Michelle Obama had a date night Saturday and flew to New York
City to see a Broadway play. It was originally supposed to be a double
date with the Bidens but the Vice President isn't allowed in theatres.
Experts predict that the one-millionth word in the English language will be
added on Wednesday, June 10, 2009. Meanwhile former President Bush
just added his 22nd word to his vocabulary.
GM has declared bankruptcy and, as a result, will get $30 billion more in
taxpayer aid. Which should cover the cost of a brand new line of
"Going Out of Business" signs.
Octomom Nadya Suleman signed a deal on Thursday to star in her own
reality TV show. The working title as of now is, “Nadya and Six, Plus
Eight, Times Crazy”
American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert will confirm that he is gay in an
upcoming issue of Rolling Stone magazine. Finally! Now I can get back
to wondering if “the blind guy” is really blind…
Competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi beat his rival, Joey Chestnut, on
Saturday by eating 5 and ¾ one-pound P’zones in 6 minutes. Wow, that’s
a lot of P’zones… I know the most P’zones I’ve ever eaten is NONE.
President Obama made another surprise stop at a burger joint Friday,
this time at a local DC chain called Five Guys. The visit went way
better than the last time Dick Cheney ate there because this time, no
one got “Pepsi-boarded.”
The National Archives is offering a $50,000 cash reward for the return
of a missing hard drive containing sensitive data from the Clinton
Administration. But officials aren’t taking any chances. They’ve
already changed Clinton’s old password’s to something other than,
“Boobies.”
Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra will not run in the Belmont Stakes
this coming Saturday because her owners say she needs rest. They’re
also worried she might break a nail.
… Instead of the racing, her owners say she’ll probably just stay in
and rent a movie.
Angelina Jolie was briefly hospitalized Friday after she banged her
head while filming an action sequence for a movie. Her injuries aren’t
too serious but they did leave her with a bump the size of her lips.
… A full recovery is expected but doctors did recommend she take a few
days off from adopting anyone.
Monday, June 1, 2009
5/28/09
In an interview with Cosmo magazine, Lauren Conrad says she, "feels sexiest in sweatpants and no makeup." As for when she feels the least sexy, Conrad said she didn't know because Hills producers haven't told her yet.
Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman will co-star this fall in a Broadway play. Finally something that'll get gay dudes to go to a Broadway play...
66 bodybuilders in Houston were arrested for distributing steroids andHGH. Wow, 66 arrests... I guess when they say, everything's bigger inTexas, they're not talkin' about those guys' testicles...
... no professional athletes were among the suspects but when MannyRamirez heard the news he got that sinking feeling in his ovaries.
Finally some good news for the city of Detroit... last night the Red Wings advanced to the Stanley Cup finals after defeating the Chicago Blackhawks. To try to capitalize on the success of the team, GM immediately started production on the new Chevy Zamboni.
The number of Rikers Island inmates infected with the Swine Flu hasgrown from 10 to 26 in just one week. Which confirms that the virus can be passed from person to bitch.
Nancy Pelosi is in communist China urging cooperation on climate change. She stated that a healthy environment is a "human right" -- and then she read her lucky numbers off the other side of her fortune... 3, 17,28.
Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman will co-star this fall in a Broadway play. Finally something that'll get gay dudes to go to a Broadway play...
66 bodybuilders in Houston were arrested for distributing steroids andHGH. Wow, 66 arrests... I guess when they say, everything's bigger inTexas, they're not talkin' about those guys' testicles...
... no professional athletes were among the suspects but when MannyRamirez heard the news he got that sinking feeling in his ovaries.
Finally some good news for the city of Detroit... last night the Red Wings advanced to the Stanley Cup finals after defeating the Chicago Blackhawks. To try to capitalize on the success of the team, GM immediately started production on the new Chevy Zamboni.
The number of Rikers Island inmates infected with the Swine Flu hasgrown from 10 to 26 in just one week. Which confirms that the virus can be passed from person to bitch.
Nancy Pelosi is in communist China urging cooperation on climate change. She stated that a healthy environment is a "human right" -- and then she read her lucky numbers off the other side of her fortune... 3, 17,28.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)