Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! So if you’ve been good this year, you can expect toys and gifts in your stocking… or a sh*load of coal if you’re Tiger Woods.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! - Which means if you hear someone sneaking into your house tomorrow night, it’s probably Santa Claus… or some couple the Secret Service let in.
Monday, December 28, 2009
12/22/09
This is just disgusting - police in the UK are on the lookout for a man who has been going around supermarkets, sniffing people's butts while they shop. To be fair though, that's just how the guy finds the freshest dingleberries. Did anyone see this?
Darth Vader and R2D2 rang the opening bell today at the New York Stock Exchange. Yeah because nothing inspires Wall Street more than seeing the Lord of the Dark Side and a Garbage Can first thing in the morning.
President Obama may delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii so that he can deal with healthcare. But don't worry, if he gets lonely while everyone's away, he can always hang out with all the strangers the Secret Service lets inside the White House.
Obama said Sasha and Malia aren't asking for much this Christmas, but they do like iPods, video games, and books. But number one on their list are a couple pairs of noise cancelling headphones for when they have to hang out with Joe Biden.
This is just unreal - last night, the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead and wound up losing by four to the Sacramento Kings. When the Nets heard how Chicago played they were like, "Whooooaaaa you guys scored 35 points!"
According to a new Rasmussen poll, 56% now disapprove of the job President Obama is doing. Former President Bush was like, "Wow, that's more than half, congratulations!"
Darth Vader and R2D2 rang the opening bell today at the New York Stock Exchange. Yeah because nothing inspires Wall Street more than seeing the Lord of the Dark Side and a Garbage Can first thing in the morning.
President Obama may delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii so that he can deal with healthcare. But don't worry, if he gets lonely while everyone's away, he can always hang out with all the strangers the Secret Service lets inside the White House.
Obama said Sasha and Malia aren't asking for much this Christmas, but they do like iPods, video games, and books. But number one on their list are a couple pairs of noise cancelling headphones for when they have to hang out with Joe Biden.
This is just unreal - last night, the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead and wound up losing by four to the Sacramento Kings. When the Nets heard how Chicago played they were like, "Whooooaaaa you guys scored 35 points!"
According to a new Rasmussen poll, 56% now disapprove of the job President Obama is doing. Former President Bush was like, "Wow, that's more than half, congratulations!"
12/21/09
The winter storm dumped 16 inches in Washington, D.C. this weekend. It was so bad Hillary Clinton had to break out her snow-pants suit.
Kevin Jonas is now married. About 400 guests attended the ceremony on Saturday during a blizzard. The ceremony lasted about an hour... and the wedding night lasted about 30 seconds.
In his interview with Playboy Magazine, Diddy says, “I hope” President Obama “reads this interview and adopts me.” Unfortunately for Diddy, the White House's Playboy subscription ran out when Bill Clinton left office.
A new study from the CDC found that New York is the least happiest state in the U.S. To be fair, the study only surveyed Mets fans.
A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. Apparently she decided to try skydiving since she's already a pro at crapping in her pants.
Congress will vote on a final health care bill at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Strategists are calling Christmas Eve the perfect time to pass the bill - since that's when Joe Lieberman will be out eating Chinese food with his family.
British soldiers are set to receive new camouflage for the first time in 40 years. Yeah apparently red coats and 3 feet tall furry hats weren't cutting it in Iraq.
Some sad news - Sol Price, the founder of the Price Club, died at the age of 93. As per his wishes... he was burried in bulk alongside 30 other dead guys.
As per his wishes he was creamated and free samples of his ashes were handed out at the funeral.
Kevin Jonas is now married. About 400 guests attended the ceremony on Saturday during a blizzard. The ceremony lasted about an hour... and the wedding night lasted about 30 seconds.
In his interview with Playboy Magazine, Diddy says, “I hope” President Obama “reads this interview and adopts me.” Unfortunately for Diddy, the White House's Playboy subscription ran out when Bill Clinton left office.
A new study from the CDC found that New York is the least happiest state in the U.S. To be fair, the study only surveyed Mets fans.
A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. Apparently she decided to try skydiving since she's already a pro at crapping in her pants.
Congress will vote on a final health care bill at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Strategists are calling Christmas Eve the perfect time to pass the bill - since that's when Joe Lieberman will be out eating Chinese food with his family.
British soldiers are set to receive new camouflage for the first time in 40 years. Yeah apparently red coats and 3 feet tall furry hats weren't cutting it in Iraq.
Some sad news - Sol Price, the founder of the Price Club, died at the age of 93. As per his wishes... he was burried in bulk alongside 30 other dead guys.
As per his wishes he was creamated and free samples of his ashes were handed out at the funeral.
Monday, December 21, 2009
12/18/09
Senate leaders are trying to finalize the health care bill for a final vote on Christmas Eve. It's a brilliant strategic move since every year that's the night Joe Lieberman takes his family out for Chinese food.
It's freezing outside - temperatures dropped into the teens today! The worst part is... I forgot my hat today, so this afternoon when I went out for lunch I had to borrow Questlove's afro!
You guys hear this? New York City's outer boroughs are getting a new area code because all the others will be used up by 2012. Yeah there's 718, 347, and now they're adding 71-Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend! So you know what that means, right??? The whole time during the ceremony he's gonna be thinking, "C'mon, can we speed this up already? Let's go!!!"
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend... The wedding ceremony is expected to last about an hour... and his wedding night is expected to last about 30 seconds!
Happy, happy 46th birthday to Brad Pitt! Interesting fact about Pitt, apparently growing up he used to get depressed on his birthday because it was so close to Christmas... but now he gets to have sex with Angelina Jolie so it's all good.
I read this today, one of Tiger Woods' mistresses Jamie Jungers claims she has naked pictures of them together. Yeah apparently you can see his wood and her "Jungers."
James Cameron said he expects California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting once his term expires. When told of Cameron's comment, Arnold said, "it's just a RUMOR!"
Big snow storm coming this weekend guys... It's supposed to hit New York harder than that guy who punched Snooki on "Jersey Shore"!
Big snow storm expected to hit Washington DC this weekend. Everyone's bracing for the worst: Offices are closing early, the roads are being salted, and Hillary Clinton's breaking out her snow-pants suit.
It's freezing outside - temperatures dropped into the teens today! The worst part is... I forgot my hat today, so this afternoon when I went out for lunch I had to borrow Questlove's afro!
You guys hear this? New York City's outer boroughs are getting a new area code because all the others will be used up by 2012. Yeah there's 718, 347, and now they're adding 71-Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend! So you know what that means, right??? The whole time during the ceremony he's gonna be thinking, "C'mon, can we speed this up already? Let's go!!!"
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend... The wedding ceremony is expected to last about an hour... and his wedding night is expected to last about 30 seconds!
Happy, happy 46th birthday to Brad Pitt! Interesting fact about Pitt, apparently growing up he used to get depressed on his birthday because it was so close to Christmas... but now he gets to have sex with Angelina Jolie so it's all good.
I read this today, one of Tiger Woods' mistresses Jamie Jungers claims she has naked pictures of them together. Yeah apparently you can see his wood and her "Jungers."
James Cameron said he expects California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting once his term expires. When told of Cameron's comment, Arnold said, "it's just a RUMOR!"
Big snow storm coming this weekend guys... It's supposed to hit New York harder than that guy who punched Snooki on "Jersey Shore"!
Big snow storm expected to hit Washington DC this weekend. Everyone's bracing for the worst: Offices are closing early, the roads are being salted, and Hillary Clinton's breaking out her snow-pants suit.
12/17/09
A company in Ireland has started selling an eco-friendly vibrator that's powered by turning a handle clockwise – which generates energy. Women were like "Yes! Finally a hand job we can enjoy!"
Big news. Domino’s is changing its pizza recipe to have a more garlicky crust, with a different tomato sauce and higher quality cheese. But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still taste amazing when you're high.
... But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still be completely offensive to Italian people.
A company in Dubai says it still plans to build a golf course designed by and named after Tiger Woods. At first, club members can only play with one partner... then later on they can have as many as they want.
This is crazy. Police in Italy arrested a man who was trying to sneak into Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s hospital room, while he recovers from an attack at a rally earlier this week. When the Secret Service heard about the arrest they were like, "Whooooa how'd you guys do that???"
Big news. Domino’s is changing its pizza recipe to have a more garlicky crust, with a different tomato sauce and higher quality cheese. But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still taste amazing when you're high.
... But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still be completely offensive to Italian people.
A company in Dubai says it still plans to build a golf course designed by and named after Tiger Woods. At first, club members can only play with one partner... then later on they can have as many as they want.
This is crazy. Police in Italy arrested a man who was trying to sneak into Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s hospital room, while he recovers from an attack at a rally earlier this week. When the Secret Service heard about the arrest they were like, "Whooooa how'd you guys do that???"
12/16/09
Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the best "swinger" alive today.
Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the Wilt Chamberlain of golf.
Have you guys been following this war of words between Sarah Palin and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yesterday Arnold attacked Palin over climate change, today Palin hit back about his economic record. Then Arnold was like, "Go back to Alaska!" and Palin was like, "Where's that?"
Two strangers who met on Captain Sully’s Miracle on the Hudson flight are now seriously dating each other. Yeah apparently they joined the - "Oh my God we're Plummeting from 30,000 Miles!" - High club.
Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the Wilt Chamberlain of golf.
Have you guys been following this war of words between Sarah Palin and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yesterday Arnold attacked Palin over climate change, today Palin hit back about his economic record. Then Arnold was like, "Go back to Alaska!" and Palin was like, "Where's that?"
Two strangers who met on Captain Sully’s Miracle on the Hudson flight are now seriously dating each other. Yeah apparently they joined the - "Oh my God we're Plummeting from 30,000 Miles!" - High club.
12/15/09
Did you guys hear about this, Christmas tree vendors in Hawaii have completely sold out of Christmas trees. Yeah and apparently they're also out of leis (lays) thanks to Tiger Woods.
A pro-marijuana group in California says it has enough signatures to put legalizing marijuana on the ballot in 2010. Though it probably doesn't help that the ballot is full of signatures from some guy named "Smokey McBonghit."
The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report of industries that will lose the most jobs in the next decade. Among the industries on the list is the Postal Service... which means next time I need a stamp I won't be going to the Post Office.
Did you see this? LeBron James took a fan’s French fry during a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. It's not the first time this has happened during an NBA game... The other night one of the Nets tried the same thing... but the fan went right around him and dunked the fry in his face.
Among the candidates for Time Magazine's Person of the Year is “The Chinese Worker” because of their influence in one of the world's largest economies. Meanwhile Chinese Workers were like, "Thanks for narrowing it down! You know there's millions of us, right?! -- Who else is on the list, "Tiger Woods' mistresses?!"
A pro-marijuana group in California says it has enough signatures to put legalizing marijuana on the ballot in 2010. Though it probably doesn't help that the ballot is full of signatures from some guy named "Smokey McBonghit."
The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report of industries that will lose the most jobs in the next decade. Among the industries on the list is the Postal Service... which means next time I need a stamp I won't be going to the Post Office.
Did you see this? LeBron James took a fan’s French fry during a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. It's not the first time this has happened during an NBA game... The other night one of the Nets tried the same thing... but the fan went right around him and dunked the fry in his face.
Among the candidates for Time Magazine's Person of the Year is “The Chinese Worker” because of their influence in one of the world's largest economies. Meanwhile Chinese Workers were like, "Thanks for narrowing it down! You know there's millions of us, right?! -- Who else is on the list, "Tiger Woods' mistresses?!"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12/14/09
Yesterday the Senate passed a $1.1 trillion spending bill with increased budgets for health, education, law and veterans’ programs. In other words, China just upped our allowance.
In order to boost attendance, a church in New Jersey is offering “Football Sunday,” where people can where jerseys to church and tailgate in the parking lot. So far it's working great except for all the vomit in the collection plate.
According to a new Rasmussen poll, President Obama’s approval rating is now at 44% - a new low. Yeah his numbers are decreasing faster than Tiger Woods' bank account.
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face yesterday by a deranged man. He suffered a fractured nose and two broken teeth. Italy is reeling from the incident, in fact out of respect for Burlusconi, today the Italian Parliament observed a somber moment of "Oooohhhhh"...
During last night’s “Christmas at the White House” special, the Obamas said they will leave cookies and milk in the yellow room for Santa. That's just what the Secret Service needs - another visitor at the White house with a history of sneeking into places.
Tiger Woods announced this weekend that he is leaving golf indefinitely. The rest of the PGA tour was like, "great, more chicks for the rest of us!" -- meanwhile chicks were like, "great, now we have to have sex with Vijay Singh..."
The Association of Traditional French Cheese Makers just came out with a promotional pin-up calendar featuring sexy models selling regional cheeses. I just got my copy and let me tell you, each month is hotter than the next... except for April which features Ms. Cottage Cheese.
MTV’s new reality show “Jersey Shore,” doubled its ratings in its second week from 1.37 million viewers for the series premiere, to 2.1 million for the second episode. When asked to explain the success of the show, MTV said they've never seen a cast GEL this much.
In case you were wondering... according to E!, "Tiger’s Wood" is “the official porn parody of the non-golf exploits of” Tiger Woods." So don't be fooled by all the unofficial Tiger Woods porn movies out there like, "Who's Your Caddy?" or "Tiger's PGA Whore"
Happy Birthday to Bob Barker, yesterday he turned 86 years old. Though his actual retail age iiiiiiiiis: 105!
In order to boost attendance, a church in New Jersey is offering “Football Sunday,” where people can where jerseys to church and tailgate in the parking lot. So far it's working great except for all the vomit in the collection plate.
According to a new Rasmussen poll, President Obama’s approval rating is now at 44% - a new low. Yeah his numbers are decreasing faster than Tiger Woods' bank account.
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face yesterday by a deranged man. He suffered a fractured nose and two broken teeth. Italy is reeling from the incident, in fact out of respect for Burlusconi, today the Italian Parliament observed a somber moment of "Oooohhhhh"...
During last night’s “Christmas at the White House” special, the Obamas said they will leave cookies and milk in the yellow room for Santa. That's just what the Secret Service needs - another visitor at the White house with a history of sneeking into places.
Tiger Woods announced this weekend that he is leaving golf indefinitely. The rest of the PGA tour was like, "great, more chicks for the rest of us!" -- meanwhile chicks were like, "great, now we have to have sex with Vijay Singh..."
The Association of Traditional French Cheese Makers just came out with a promotional pin-up calendar featuring sexy models selling regional cheeses. I just got my copy and let me tell you, each month is hotter than the next... except for April which features Ms. Cottage Cheese.
MTV’s new reality show “Jersey Shore,” doubled its ratings in its second week from 1.37 million viewers for the series premiere, to 2.1 million for the second episode. When asked to explain the success of the show, MTV said they've never seen a cast GEL this much.
In case you were wondering... according to E!, "Tiger’s Wood" is “the official porn parody of the non-golf exploits of” Tiger Woods." So don't be fooled by all the unofficial Tiger Woods porn movies out there like, "Who's Your Caddy?" or "Tiger's PGA Whore"
Happy Birthday to Bob Barker, yesterday he turned 86 years old. Though his actual retail age iiiiiiiiis: 105!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
12/9/09
Sarah Palin made Barbara Walters’ list of the Ten Most Fascinating People this year AND last year. The first time in the show’s 17-year history that someone has made the list two years in a row. Insiders say that next year, Palin has a shot to "three-pete"... unless she quits the list first.
Kiki, the tortoise – one of the world’s oldest animals – died last week in France at the age of 146. It's a sad story: about 46 years ago she started walking across a busy street... and then last week, boom! So sad.
Gatorade will discontinue it’s Tiger Woods drink – Focus - but says it made the decision before this whole scandal. Also totally unrelated to the Tiger Woods scandal: They're changing their "What's G?" ad campaign to "Who's G and What's She Doing in your Phone?" - but it's TOTALLY unrelated.
This is kind of strange--a restaurant owner in Pennsylvania saved all of President Obama's leftovers from his recent visit. Obama's leftovers have become such an attraction, the Salehi's have already snuck into the restaurant to try to see them.
Hey, congratulations to supermodel Gisele Bundchen—she and husband Tom Brady had a baby boy! Tom said he can't wait to start teaching his son how to throw a football... meanwhile the kid's thinking, "Screw football? When do I start breast feeding?"
This was unbelievable--a man in Long Island was rescued from a cesspool after he was stuck in it for over four hours yesterday. He said the worst part of being stuck in a cesspool for 4 hours was missing his appointment at the tanning salon.
Kiki, the tortoise – one of the world’s oldest animals – died last week in France at the age of 146. It's a sad story: about 46 years ago she started walking across a busy street... and then last week, boom! So sad.
Gatorade will discontinue it’s Tiger Woods drink – Focus - but says it made the decision before this whole scandal. Also totally unrelated to the Tiger Woods scandal: They're changing their "What's G?" ad campaign to "Who's G and What's She Doing in your Phone?" - but it's TOTALLY unrelated.
This is kind of strange--a restaurant owner in Pennsylvania saved all of President Obama's leftovers from his recent visit. Obama's leftovers have become such an attraction, the Salehi's have already snuck into the restaurant to try to see them.
Hey, congratulations to supermodel Gisele Bundchen—she and husband Tom Brady had a baby boy! Tom said he can't wait to start teaching his son how to throw a football... meanwhile the kid's thinking, "Screw football? When do I start breast feeding?"
This was unbelievable--a man in Long Island was rescued from a cesspool after he was stuck in it for over four hours yesterday. He said the worst part of being stuck in a cesspool for 4 hours was missing his appointment at the tanning salon.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
12/8/09
A bill to legalize gay marriage in New Jersey passed in the state Judiciary Committee yesterday - paving the way for a full Senate vote on Thursday. If the bill passes Thursday's vote, it means gays in New Jersey will have more wins this year than the Nets.
New York City is now testing three new extremely quiet buses in Brooklyn and Manhattan. According to the MTA, the secret to keeping the buses so quiet: Millions of of dollars from Tiger Woods.
Hillary Clinton said on CNN recently that she's thrilled about her daughter Chelsea’s engagement but planning a wedding is “daunting.” Yeah apparently a lot's changed since the last time Hillary had to shop for a wedding pant suit.
There’s a new college in Detroit that was established to teach students how to grow, use and profit from medicinal marijuana. It's a "joint" program.
Big TV news you guys, CBS just cancelled “As the World Turns” after 54 years. Fans are shocked... but not as much as the Mayans who didn't think the world would stop turning until 2012.
A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America yesterday. Palin said she saw the tomatoes coming at her out of the corner of her eye that wasn't winking.
New York City is now testing three new extremely quiet buses in Brooklyn and Manhattan. According to the MTA, the secret to keeping the buses so quiet: Millions of of dollars from Tiger Woods.
Hillary Clinton said on CNN recently that she's thrilled about her daughter Chelsea’s engagement but planning a wedding is “daunting.” Yeah apparently a lot's changed since the last time Hillary had to shop for a wedding pant suit.
There’s a new college in Detroit that was established to teach students how to grow, use and profit from medicinal marijuana. It's a "joint" program.
Big TV news you guys, CBS just cancelled “As the World Turns” after 54 years. Fans are shocked... but not as much as the Mayans who didn't think the world would stop turning until 2012.
A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America yesterday. Palin said she saw the tomatoes coming at her out of the corner of her eye that wasn't winking.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
12/7/09
Did you guys watch the premiere of “The Jersey Shore” on MTV? Italian groups are calling the show “offensive toward Italian Americans” - and now TMZ is reporting that Domino's Pizza has pulled all advertising from the series. Yeah because there’s nobody more concerned with traditional Italian values than the makers of the "Pasta Bread Bowl."
A man in Washington D.C. was arrested for trying to carry $4,000 worth of cocaine inside a cooked chicken onto an airplane. Customs agents knew something was up when even the dark meat was white.
According to a new report, Emma and Jacob were the most popular baby names in the country last year. And according to the same report the least popular parent names were Jon and Kate.
A new policy at Columbia University will allow male and female students to live together in co-ed dorm rooms. Female students are afraid the policy could lead to more sex… while male students are afraid the policy could lead to more conversations about their day.
Astronomers in Japan, Germany and the U.S. have discovered a new planet-like object, 50 light years from Earth - called GJ 758 B. Which is a waaaaaay better name for a planet than Uranus.
At the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony last night, President Obama said of honoree Bruce Springsteen, “I’m the President, but he’s the boss.” Apparently he stole the line from some old “Bush-Cheney” stationary he found lying around the White House.
This weekend on CNN, US General James L. Jones gave an update on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden saying, the army doesn’t know exactly where he is but their “best estimate is somewhere in North Waziristan.” -- Ok this is getting ridiculous, now they’re just making up countries!
Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played yesterday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. And the number is even higher if you count all the games he's played in those Wrangler Jeans commercials.
A man in Washington D.C. was arrested for trying to carry $4,000 worth of cocaine inside a cooked chicken onto an airplane. Customs agents knew something was up when even the dark meat was white.
According to a new report, Emma and Jacob were the most popular baby names in the country last year. And according to the same report the least popular parent names were Jon and Kate.
A new policy at Columbia University will allow male and female students to live together in co-ed dorm rooms. Female students are afraid the policy could lead to more sex… while male students are afraid the policy could lead to more conversations about their day.
Astronomers in Japan, Germany and the U.S. have discovered a new planet-like object, 50 light years from Earth - called GJ 758 B. Which is a waaaaaay better name for a planet than Uranus.
At the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony last night, President Obama said of honoree Bruce Springsteen, “I’m the President, but he’s the boss.” Apparently he stole the line from some old “Bush-Cheney” stationary he found lying around the White House.
This weekend on CNN, US General James L. Jones gave an update on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden saying, the army doesn’t know exactly where he is but their “best estimate is somewhere in North Waziristan.” -- Ok this is getting ridiculous, now they’re just making up countries!
Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played yesterday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. And the number is even higher if you count all the games he's played in those Wrangler Jeans commercials.
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