Jon Gosselin will star in a new reality show where he will date Octomom Nadya Suleman. It'll be called, "Say Yes to the Mess."
Sarah Palin now owns a marketing business involved with “Services for the Elderly." Among the services she provides: Ruining their Presidential campaigns.
The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley. Which is a change from the Bush administration - if you were one of their top donors, Dick Cheney would let you shoot a guy in the face.
John Legend performed the national anthem at Game 2 of the World Series tonight. Then during the 7th inning stretch that "sex for tickets" lady from Philly performed a striptease to, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
The Philadelphia Inquirer is reporting that a local radio station has offered that "sex for tickets" lady tickets to game 3, Saturday in Philly. If she attends, instead of everyone in the stands doing "the wave", everyone gets "the clap."
Did you hear this? The lawyer for that sex for tickets lady in Philly is blaming the whole thing on his client having, "Phillies Fever." So guys, if you sleep with her, remember to always wear a Phillies hat.
Nancy Pelosi officially unveiled the House health care reform bill today – which includes a public option and would cover 36 million uninsured Americans. To celebrate millions of uninsured Americans went out and got hit by a bus.
The new health care reform bill is 1,990 pages long. And as a special favor to opthometrists anyone who reads every page will end up needing glasses.
President Obama’s former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary’s chances of becoming Vice President. Apparently it was Bill's way of getting back at Hillary for ruining his chances with hundreds of interns.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
10/28/09 Definite Joke on Fallon
***It’s been raining all day here in New York City… The visibility is so bad at LaGuardia, Northwest pilots can't even see their laptops.***
Tennis legend Andre Agassi reveals in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth on a regular basis in the late '90s. The tennis world is in total disbelief... when asked to comment, John McEnroe was like, "You cannot be serious!!!"
Everyone has World Series fever. In fact, a 43-year-old woman from Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Steve Phillips already named her his MVP of the series.
... She would've had better luck looking for tickets on "SlutHub"
“The Discovery Channel” is planning to turn its series, “Man vs. Wild” into a video game for the Nintendo Wii... Just like host, Bear Grylls does in the show, players will have to drink their own Wii.
Earlier this week, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breasts at an awards show – by wearing a low-cut red dress. It's funny, when she arrived you could totally see her bust line... but by the end of the evening, all the lines were totally gone.
A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers... unless you're Nancy Pelosi's daughter - then it just stays frozen the way it is.
A new study found that children under 5 watch more than 32 hours of television a week. If any of the toddlers are watching the show right now, let me just say, "no, no, no, put that down, put that down... stop it, no, take that remote out of your mouth, out of your mouth!... NO! NO!"
Tennis legend Andre Agassi reveals in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth on a regular basis in the late '90s. The tennis world is in total disbelief... when asked to comment, John McEnroe was like, "You cannot be serious!!!"
Everyone has World Series fever. In fact, a 43-year-old woman from Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Steve Phillips already named her his MVP of the series.
... She would've had better luck looking for tickets on "SlutHub"
“The Discovery Channel” is planning to turn its series, “Man vs. Wild” into a video game for the Nintendo Wii... Just like host, Bear Grylls does in the show, players will have to drink their own Wii.
Earlier this week, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breasts at an awards show – by wearing a low-cut red dress. It's funny, when she arrived you could totally see her bust line... but by the end of the evening, all the lines were totally gone.
A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers... unless you're Nancy Pelosi's daughter - then it just stays frozen the way it is.
A new study found that children under 5 watch more than 32 hours of television a week. If any of the toddlers are watching the show right now, let me just say, "no, no, no, put that down, put that down... stop it, no, take that remote out of your mouth, out of your mouth!... NO! NO!"
10/27/09 - Possible Joke on Fallon
***Mark McGwire will come out of retirement to be the hitting coach for his old team, the St. Louis Cardinals, in 2010. The move is just the "shot in the arm" the Cardinals need.***
Iceland is shutting down 3 McDonalds restaurants in Reyjavik because of the country's economic collapse - which means next time you want a burger and fries in Iceland you have to go to "Fjordruckers"
Two Northwest Airlines pilots admitted they were using their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by 150 miles. Luckily the only thing that crashed was Windows.
Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he will most likely run for president in 2012 after he and his wife “assess the field of candidates.” Ewwww I don't want to think about Newt Gingrich and his wife "assessing candidates!"
Jon Gosselin said that he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with his wife Kate. But if I were her, I wouldn't touch that money for a while, who knows where its been?...
A new study found that kids’ cereals have 85% more sugar and 65% less fiber than adult cereals. When asked to comment Tony the Tiger was like, "true but adult cereals are, "GRRRRRRR-oss!"
The World Series starts tomorrow – the Yankees play the Phillies right here at the new Yankee Stadium - and the big news today is that Pedro will start game 2 for the Phils. Wow, Pedro back on the mound vs. the Yanks... Which explains why Don Zimmer's been juicin'.
CNN dropped to last place in the cable news ratings this month. As a result they're shaking up their lineup by replacing Wolf Blitzer with Jay Leno.
Luckily the network has a strategy in place for just such an occasion: "In case of emergency, more Gupta!"
You know those two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their landing by 150 miles? They said yesterday that they were "not sleeping" but got distracted because they were on their laptop computers. Apparently they were trying to figure out the new Facebook.
So next time you're playing World of Warcraft and you see the screenames Pilot225 and CaptainNorthwest, it's probably a good idea NOT to play with them.
Facebook just announced that they will leave your Facebook page up - even if you die. Which is great news for all those sickos out there who like to superpoke dead people.
Iceland is shutting down 3 McDonalds restaurants in Reyjavik because of the country's economic collapse - which means next time you want a burger and fries in Iceland you have to go to "Fjordruckers"
Two Northwest Airlines pilots admitted they were using their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by 150 miles. Luckily the only thing that crashed was Windows.
Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he will most likely run for president in 2012 after he and his wife “assess the field of candidates.” Ewwww I don't want to think about Newt Gingrich and his wife "assessing candidates!"
Jon Gosselin said that he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with his wife Kate. But if I were her, I wouldn't touch that money for a while, who knows where its been?...
A new study found that kids’ cereals have 85% more sugar and 65% less fiber than adult cereals. When asked to comment Tony the Tiger was like, "true but adult cereals are, "GRRRRRRR-oss!"
The World Series starts tomorrow – the Yankees play the Phillies right here at the new Yankee Stadium - and the big news today is that Pedro will start game 2 for the Phils. Wow, Pedro back on the mound vs. the Yanks... Which explains why Don Zimmer's been juicin'.
CNN dropped to last place in the cable news ratings this month. As a result they're shaking up their lineup by replacing Wolf Blitzer with Jay Leno.
Luckily the network has a strategy in place for just such an occasion: "In case of emergency, more Gupta!"
You know those two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their landing by 150 miles? They said yesterday that they were "not sleeping" but got distracted because they were on their laptop computers. Apparently they were trying to figure out the new Facebook.
So next time you're playing World of Warcraft and you see the screenames Pilot225 and CaptainNorthwest, it's probably a good idea NOT to play with them.
Facebook just announced that they will leave your Facebook page up - even if you die. Which is great news for all those sickos out there who like to superpoke dead people.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10/26/09
Halloween is coming up this weekend! I love this time of year... trick or treating, haunted houses, everyone dresses up in crazy costumes... or as Lady Gaga calls it, "business casual."
Large cracks have appeared in the cement ramps at the new Yankees' Stadium but engineers have called them safe. Meanwhile all the Yankees fans were like, "No way! What are you blind?! How can you call them safe?!"
Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. Doctors say he's extremely lucky... not because he could've died, but because he's Brad friggin' Pitt!
A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. As for all the other passengers, next time they'll drive.
Congratulations to Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, who got married yesterday. During the ceremony attendees were told, "if anyone disapproves of the marriage let them speak now or forever hold their piece..." Then the rabbi added, "or wear it on your head... whichever."
Happy happy 63rd birthday to Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. To celebrate he went shopping in his living room... for $82 he took the lamp... for $150 he took the bookshelf, for $400 he took the recliner...
A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. The reviews will use the thumb system: 2 thumbs up for good weed and for really good weed: "whooooaaaa, check it out, I have five thumbs up."
Large cracks have appeared in the cement ramps at the new Yankees' Stadium but engineers have called them safe. Meanwhile all the Yankees fans were like, "No way! What are you blind?! How can you call them safe?!"
Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. Doctors say he's extremely lucky... not because he could've died, but because he's Brad friggin' Pitt!
A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. As for all the other passengers, next time they'll drive.
Congratulations to Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, who got married yesterday. During the ceremony attendees were told, "if anyone disapproves of the marriage let them speak now or forever hold their piece..." Then the rabbi added, "or wear it on your head... whichever."
Happy happy 63rd birthday to Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. To celebrate he went shopping in his living room... for $82 he took the lamp... for $150 he took the bookshelf, for $400 he took the recliner...
A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. The reviews will use the thumb system: 2 thumbs up for good weed and for really good weed: "whooooaaaa, check it out, I have five thumbs up."
Saturday, October 17, 2009
10/16/09
“Miracle on the Hudson” pilot Chesley Sullenberger released his
autobiography this week called “Highest Duty: My Search for What
Really Matters.” Readers can find it in the not-fiction section... and
geese can find it in the horror section.
Meghan McCain is threatening to “pull a Miley” and delete her Twitter
account after she was harassed for posting a racy picture of herself.
She's also threatening to "pull a Billy Ray" and delete the sides of
her hair.
Pamela Anderson will star in a pantomime production of “Aladdin” in
London this Christmas. She'll play the Geanie... and the lamp will be
played by a bottle of Valtrex.
Beginning in July, telecommunication companies in Finland will be
required to provide all 5.2 million citizens with an Internet
connection. Meanwhile, most Americans can't even get access to WebMD.
A woman in Australia divorced her husband after he asked her to choose
between him and her pet crocodile. What a "croc-sucker."
TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract after he appeared on
rival networks’ programs instead of on “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” This guy
is a piece of work, not only did he cheat on Kate, he also cheated on
TLC.
In Ohio, a woman was arrested for starting a riot in a store when she
announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchase
- but then drove off without paying. apparently it was all a huge
misunderstanding... The woman tried to pay but the store doesn't
accept giant checks.
... Apparently she was pledging a fraternity.
Did anyone see the “balloon boy” – Falcon Heene – on TV this morning?
He threw up two times – once on the “Today” show and once on “Good
Morning America.” You know, if I wanted to wake up to someone barfing
all over my TV in the morning... I'd go back to college.
autobiography this week called “Highest Duty: My Search for What
Really Matters.” Readers can find it in the not-fiction section... and
geese can find it in the horror section.
Meghan McCain is threatening to “pull a Miley” and delete her Twitter
account after she was harassed for posting a racy picture of herself.
She's also threatening to "pull a Billy Ray" and delete the sides of
her hair.
Pamela Anderson will star in a pantomime production of “Aladdin” in
London this Christmas. She'll play the Geanie... and the lamp will be
played by a bottle of Valtrex.
Beginning in July, telecommunication companies in Finland will be
required to provide all 5.2 million citizens with an Internet
connection. Meanwhile, most Americans can't even get access to WebMD.
A woman in Australia divorced her husband after he asked her to choose
between him and her pet crocodile. What a "croc-sucker."
TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract after he appeared on
rival networks’ programs instead of on “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” This guy
is a piece of work, not only did he cheat on Kate, he also cheated on
TLC.
In Ohio, a woman was arrested for starting a riot in a store when she
announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchase
- but then drove off without paying. apparently it was all a huge
misunderstanding... The woman tried to pay but the store doesn't
accept giant checks.
... Apparently she was pledging a fraternity.
Did anyone see the “balloon boy” – Falcon Heene – on TV this morning?
He threw up two times – once on the “Today” show and once on “Good
Morning America.” You know, if I wanted to wake up to someone barfing
all over my TV in the morning... I'd go back to college.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
10/15/09 - ANOTHER POSSIBLE JOKE ON FALLON
***President Obama wants to send a 250 dollar check to over 57 million American seniors. When asked what the moneys for Obama said, "Depends."***
(How it aired) ... "when asked what they'll spend it on, several seniors said, "Depends."
Evander Holyfield and the man who bit off his right ear during a boxing match, Mike Tyson, will appear together on Oprah tomorrow. Its being billed as the "Ear Summit"
(How it aired) ... "when asked what they'll spend it on, several seniors said, "Depends."
Evander Holyfield and the man who bit off his right ear during a boxing match, Mike Tyson, will appear together on Oprah tomorrow. Its being billed as the "Ear Summit"
10/14/09
Car sales have dropped 1.5% since the halt of the Cash for Clunkers
program. The numbers are not only proof of the program's success but
they lead many in the auto industry to believe that President Obama
could win the Nobel Prize for selling cars.
Researchers in London have proven that William Shakespeare co-wrote at
least one play, “The Reign of King Edward III,” with the help of
playwright Thomas Kyd - or as your English teacher will try to refer
to him, "he's like the Timbaland of the 17th Century."
A bank in Holland is selling a mood bracelet that keeps investors from
being greedy by alerting traders when they are getting overly
emotional. Also on sale at the bank, mood brownies.
Researchers in Italy discovered a new Leonardo da Vinci painting after
analyzing a smudged fingerprint. But upon further review - turns out
it was actually painted by Paul Anka.
The Pentagon acknowledged that it is working on a 15-ton bomb,
designed to destroy hidden weapons bunkers like the ones found in Iran
and North Korea. But that's all they'll say right now about "Operation
K-Fed."
More than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding
ceremony today - which was followed by a mass wedding reception where
everyone had to sit thru 40,000 drunk Best Man speeches.
Because they run so quietly - new Hybrid and electric cars are adding "artificial engine noises" - so pedestrians can hear them approaching. The most requested "car tone" thus far: "aaahhhh-ooooo-gah!"
program. The numbers are not only proof of the program's success but
they lead many in the auto industry to believe that President Obama
could win the Nobel Prize for selling cars.
Researchers in London have proven that William Shakespeare co-wrote at
least one play, “The Reign of King Edward III,” with the help of
playwright Thomas Kyd - or as your English teacher will try to refer
to him, "he's like the Timbaland of the 17th Century."
A bank in Holland is selling a mood bracelet that keeps investors from
being greedy by alerting traders when they are getting overly
emotional. Also on sale at the bank, mood brownies.
Researchers in Italy discovered a new Leonardo da Vinci painting after
analyzing a smudged fingerprint. But upon further review - turns out
it was actually painted by Paul Anka.
The Pentagon acknowledged that it is working on a 15-ton bomb,
designed to destroy hidden weapons bunkers like the ones found in Iran
and North Korea. But that's all they'll say right now about "Operation
K-Fed."
More than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding
ceremony today - which was followed by a mass wedding reception where
everyone had to sit thru 40,000 drunk Best Man speeches.
Because they run so quietly - new Hybrid and electric cars are adding "artificial engine noises" - so pedestrians can hear them approaching. The most requested "car tone" thus far: "aaahhhh-ooooo-gah!"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
10/13/09 - 4th Night in 6 Days w/ a joke on Fallon
***Jon Gosselin says he is having so much fun with his Jewish girlfriend
Hailey Glassman that he is now consulting a rabbi and considering
converting to Judaism. He's so excited to be Jewish he's already be
seen wearing an Ed Hardy yarmulke.***
The oldest cab driver in New York, Jack "the Hack" Dym is retiring at
age 82. He said he wants to spend more time with that a-hole who just
cut him off.
Did you guys see MIke Tyson on Oprah yesterday? The interview was very
emotional, Tyson at one point broke down in tears and said, "I'm tired
of failing." Then Rush Limbaugh stood up and applauded.
... In true Oprah fashion every member of the studio audience went
home with a face tattoo.
Happy, happy 29th birthday to singer Ashanti. At her party, when the
cake was served, she made a wish, then Ja Rule blew out the candles.
Researchers at the University of Utah created a new device that can
see through walls using radio receivers. Utah residents tested the
device and said it's perfect for spying on your neighbors or your
spouse... or your other spouse.
Hailey Glassman that he is now consulting a rabbi and considering
converting to Judaism. He's so excited to be Jewish he's already be
seen wearing an Ed Hardy yarmulke.***
The oldest cab driver in New York, Jack "the Hack" Dym is retiring at
age 82. He said he wants to spend more time with that a-hole who just
cut him off.
Did you guys see MIke Tyson on Oprah yesterday? The interview was very
emotional, Tyson at one point broke down in tears and said, "I'm tired
of failing." Then Rush Limbaugh stood up and applauded.
... In true Oprah fashion every member of the studio audience went
home with a face tattoo.
Happy, happy 29th birthday to singer Ashanti. At her party, when the
cake was served, she made a wish, then Ja Rule blew out the candles.
Researchers at the University of Utah created a new device that can
see through walls using radio receivers. Utah residents tested the
device and said it's perfect for spying on your neighbors or your
spouse... or your other spouse.
10/12/09
Happy Columbus Day! It's the celebration of Christopher Columbus's discovery of America - although Glen Beck denies it every happened.
Pope Benedict canonized five new saints yesterday – including Hawaii’s first saint, Father Damien De Veuster. He celebrated by NOT getting laid.
The movie “Couples Retreat” came in Number 1 at the box office this weekend with $35.3 million. The movie takes place in a remote office in the Ed Sullivan Theatre.
A 7-year-old boy in Britain brought his 1-ton bull to “bring your pet to school” day. Or as we call it here in the states, "Show and Smell."
Over the weekend, Courtney Love closed her official Twitter account. Apparently it was infected with a virus.
This was in yesterday’s New York Times – apparently people in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to President Obama’s speeches - which explains why I had this conversation last night while ordering dinner: "Can you make my California Roll without avocado?" - "Yes... we can!"
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, an openly gay member ofCongress, said that the "National Equality March" in Washington
yesterday was "a waste of time." Harsh. Sounds like someone washoping for another Million Man March.
Rob Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's "Celebrity
Apprentice" this fall. Not making an appearance on the show: Both oftheir foreheads.
This is interesting - NBC News reported that a White House advisersaid that bloggers who are critical of the Obama administration - "need to take off their pajamas". This doesn't apply to Rush Limbaughdoes it? 'Cause that would just be gross.
The New York Yankees swept the Minnesota Twins last night to advance to the American League Championship Series against the Anaheim Angels. Meanwhile a janitor swept the New York Mets locker room.
The T-Mobile admitted Saturday that a massive server meltdown recentlyhas probably permantely deleted many users' personal e-mails, contacts, and calandars - probably forever. In a last ditch effort totry to find them, NASA bombed the T-Mobile headquarters
Pope Benedict canonized five new saints yesterday – including Hawaii’s first saint, Father Damien De Veuster. He celebrated by NOT getting laid.
The movie “Couples Retreat” came in Number 1 at the box office this weekend with $35.3 million. The movie takes place in a remote office in the Ed Sullivan Theatre.
A 7-year-old boy in Britain brought his 1-ton bull to “bring your pet to school” day. Or as we call it here in the states, "Show and Smell."
Over the weekend, Courtney Love closed her official Twitter account. Apparently it was infected with a virus.
This was in yesterday’s New York Times – apparently people in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to President Obama’s speeches - which explains why I had this conversation last night while ordering dinner: "Can you make my California Roll without avocado?" - "Yes... we can!"
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, an openly gay member ofCongress, said that the "National Equality March" in Washington
yesterday was "a waste of time." Harsh. Sounds like someone washoping for another Million Man March.
Rob Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's "Celebrity
Apprentice" this fall. Not making an appearance on the show: Both oftheir foreheads.
This is interesting - NBC News reported that a White House advisersaid that bloggers who are critical of the Obama administration - "need to take off their pajamas". This doesn't apply to Rush Limbaughdoes it? 'Cause that would just be gross.
The New York Yankees swept the Minnesota Twins last night to advance to the American League Championship Series against the Anaheim Angels. Meanwhile a janitor swept the New York Mets locker room.
The T-Mobile admitted Saturday that a massive server meltdown recentlyhas probably permantely deleted many users' personal e-mails, contacts, and calandars - probably forever. In a last ditch effort totry to find them, NASA bombed the T-Mobile headquarters
Thursday, October 8, 2009
10/8/09 - 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW W/ A JOKE ON FALLON
***A new poll found that “Whatever” is the most annoying word used in conversation. The next four words on the list were, "Jon," "Kate," "Plus," and "Eight." ***
You hear about this? No more "Phone-a-Friend" on "Who Wants to be a Millioniare." Yeah now contestants are left with only three lifelines: ‘Ask the Audience,’ ‘Ask the Expert’ or... "Extort Letterman."
Kevin Federline’s former landlord is demanding that he repay more than $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages on the home he leased in California. Apparently when KFed moved out, he never paid to have the side of his house put back on.
Jon Gosselin claims that Kate is trying to prevent him from seeing his twins, Mady and Cara, today on their 9th birthday. Apparently Kate asked the twins if they wanted to see their father and they said, "not until he gives back the money he stole from our piggy banks."
Today is the 138th anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire. Unfortunately Chicago lost the commemoration ceremony to Rio.
Guy Ritchie says in a new interview with Esquire magazine that he still loves his ex-wife Madonna “but she’s retarded, too.” It sounds terrible until you realize that "retarded" is just British slang for "way too muscular."
The U.S. deficit set a new record this fiscal year - it's 1.4 TRILLION dollars - The largest in American History. Just to give you an indication how heavy into debt we are... economists are calling it the KFed of deficits.
Well, NASA is T-minus one day from launching a Centaur rocket into a crater on the moon tomorrow morning - to see if there's any water there. If successful Obama plans to ask NASA to launch a follow up rocket to the moon to see if there's any money.
If NASA does find water on the moon, this is what we could hear: "That's one small step for man... one giant CANNONBALL! for mankind."
You hear about this? No more "Phone-a-Friend" on "Who Wants to be a Millioniare." Yeah now contestants are left with only three lifelines: ‘Ask the Audience,’ ‘Ask the Expert’ or... "Extort Letterman."
Kevin Federline’s former landlord is demanding that he repay more than $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages on the home he leased in California. Apparently when KFed moved out, he never paid to have the side of his house put back on.
Jon Gosselin claims that Kate is trying to prevent him from seeing his twins, Mady and Cara, today on their 9th birthday. Apparently Kate asked the twins if they wanted to see their father and they said, "not until he gives back the money he stole from our piggy banks."
Today is the 138th anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire. Unfortunately Chicago lost the commemoration ceremony to Rio.
Guy Ritchie says in a new interview with Esquire magazine that he still loves his ex-wife Madonna “but she’s retarded, too.” It sounds terrible until you realize that "retarded" is just British slang for "way too muscular."
The U.S. deficit set a new record this fiscal year - it's 1.4 TRILLION dollars - The largest in American History. Just to give you an indication how heavy into debt we are... economists are calling it the KFed of deficits.
Well, NASA is T-minus one day from launching a Centaur rocket into a crater on the moon tomorrow morning - to see if there's any water there. If successful Obama plans to ask NASA to launch a follow up rocket to the moon to see if there's any money.
If NASA does find water on the moon, this is what we could hear: "That's one small step for man... one giant CANNONBALL! for mankind."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
10/7/09 - MORE (Possible) JOKES ON FALLON!!!
***Today marks the 8th anniversary of the start of the war in
Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne-boarding himself.***
***Congratulations to Brett Favre, who – on Monday night – became the
first quarterback in history to beat all 32 NFL teams. The next record
on his list, first QB to retire from all 32 NFL teams.***
Happy 33rd Birthday to former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Wow,
33, he doesn't look a day over 60.
Scientists believe the Komodo dragon – the world’s largest lizard –
originated from Australia. Apparently the species started leaving when
Dingos kept eating their babies.
Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually
buy entire countries and our very own Mayor Michael Bloomberg could
buy Zambia for $17.5 billion. Bloomberg said that's ridiculous - if he
was going to spend that much money, he'd rather just buy Yankee
playoff tickets.
Heidi Klum filed paperwork to legally take her husband Seal’s last
name. So for now on Heidi Klum will be known as... Heidi.
NASA announced that it will crash a rocket into the moon this Friday
morning - hoping to see if there's any water. To ensure a crash, NASA
hired Paris Hilton to parallel park the rocket on the moon.
The energy of the collision is roughly equivalent to two tons of TNT -
or one KFed.
Elizabeth Taylor asked her followers on Twitter yesterday to pray for
her when she undergoes heart surgery later this week. I retweetwed her
message to @God. So she should be fine.
After losing to the Twins last night - the Detroit Tigers became the
first team in baseball history to blow a three-game lead in the
standings - with just four games remaining. The Mets were like, "Psst
big deal, like we couldn't do that?"
The swine flu vaccine is here! The first batches just arrived in New
York yesterday. Unfortunately they're still taxying on the runway at
LaGuardia.
Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne-boarding himself.***
***Congratulations to Brett Favre, who – on Monday night – became the
first quarterback in history to beat all 32 NFL teams. The next record
on his list, first QB to retire from all 32 NFL teams.***
Happy 33rd Birthday to former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Wow,
33, he doesn't look a day over 60.
Scientists believe the Komodo dragon – the world’s largest lizard –
originated from Australia. Apparently the species started leaving when
Dingos kept eating their babies.
Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually
buy entire countries and our very own Mayor Michael Bloomberg could
buy Zambia for $17.5 billion. Bloomberg said that's ridiculous - if he
was going to spend that much money, he'd rather just buy Yankee
playoff tickets.
Heidi Klum filed paperwork to legally take her husband Seal’s last
name. So for now on Heidi Klum will be known as... Heidi.
NASA announced that it will crash a rocket into the moon this Friday
morning - hoping to see if there's any water. To ensure a crash, NASA
hired Paris Hilton to parallel park the rocket on the moon.
The energy of the collision is roughly equivalent to two tons of TNT -
or one KFed.
Elizabeth Taylor asked her followers on Twitter yesterday to pray for
her when she undergoes heart surgery later this week. I retweetwed her
message to @God. So she should be fine.
After losing to the Twins last night - the Detroit Tigers became the
first team in baseball history to blow a three-game lead in the
standings - with just four games remaining. The Mets were like, "Psst
big deal, like we couldn't do that?"
The swine flu vaccine is here! The first batches just arrived in New
York yesterday. Unfortunately they're still taxying on the runway at
LaGuardia.
10/6/09 - LATEST JOKE ON FALLON
***Catholic churches throughout New York are no longer offering wine at communion to prevent the spread of swine flu. In addition, communion wafer is now available in a nasal spray.***
... In addition, no more confession booths, now if you need to confess your sins, you have to do it into your elbow.
Comedian and host of "The Price is Right" Drew Carey offered $100,000to a Twitter user in exchange for the name “@Drew.” UnfortunatelyCarey was outbid for the name by someone who offered $100,001.
Norway topped the U.N.’s annual quality-of-life list this year –followed by Australia, then Iceland. Last on the list: Quaddafi's tent.
New research has uncovered seven new species of glow-in-the-dark mushrooms in South America - which explains how Rio got the Olympics.
A woman in Alabama was arrested after she let her 13-year-old daughterride in a cardboard box on top of their van. The daughter said she got the idea from watching the movie, "Homeless Teen Wolf".
A Palestinian man paid $140 to name a street in the West Bank after his Twitter account – the first street in the world to be named aftera Twitter account. Here's the strange part, the street name is more than 140 characters long.
A man in Florida was arrested this weekend for robbing a bank just two days after he was released from a 2-year jail sentence. He said he had no choice, it was either that or try to extort Letterman.
President Obama told a group of 150 doctors at the White House yesterday that the country has heard all sides of the health care debate and the time to act is now. The doctors agreed... then asked Obama to have a seat in the Oval Office and fill out some paperwork.
Happy 54th birthday to former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy. His former players planned to throw him a surprise party but at the last second, Peyton Manning changed it to a pool party.
The Daily Beast ranked "America's smartest cities" - from 1- 55. Raleigh-Durham came in #1, New York came in #13, and in a surprise upset Chicago lost to Rio.
... In addition, no more confession booths, now if you need to confess your sins, you have to do it into your elbow.
Comedian and host of "The Price is Right" Drew Carey offered $100,000to a Twitter user in exchange for the name “@Drew.” UnfortunatelyCarey was outbid for the name by someone who offered $100,001.
Norway topped the U.N.’s annual quality-of-life list this year –followed by Australia, then Iceland. Last on the list: Quaddafi's tent.
New research has uncovered seven new species of glow-in-the-dark mushrooms in South America - which explains how Rio got the Olympics.
A woman in Alabama was arrested after she let her 13-year-old daughterride in a cardboard box on top of their van. The daughter said she got the idea from watching the movie, "Homeless Teen Wolf".
A Palestinian man paid $140 to name a street in the West Bank after his Twitter account – the first street in the world to be named aftera Twitter account. Here's the strange part, the street name is more than 140 characters long.
A man in Florida was arrested this weekend for robbing a bank just two days after he was released from a 2-year jail sentence. He said he had no choice, it was either that or try to extort Letterman.
President Obama told a group of 150 doctors at the White House yesterday that the country has heard all sides of the health care debate and the time to act is now. The doctors agreed... then asked Obama to have a seat in the Oval Office and fill out some paperwork.
Happy 54th birthday to former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy. His former players planned to throw him a surprise party but at the last second, Peyton Manning changed it to a pool party.
The Daily Beast ranked "America's smartest cities" - from 1- 55. Raleigh-Durham came in #1, New York came in #13, and in a surprise upset Chicago lost to Rio.
Monday, October 5, 2009
10/5/09
Congratulations to President and Michelle Obama, who celebrated their
17th wedding anniversary on Saturday with dinner at the Blue Duck
Tavern in Washington, D.C. The President is so romantic, after dinner
he arranged for a special dessert to be delivered to their table...
unfortunately Rio got it.
Police in Colorado arrested a man for standing naked on highway 34 and
pounding on passing cars. He was charged with "cock-blocking traffic."
The Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam has started airing the only
known video ever taken of her on its YouTube site. The video shows a
young Anne Frank in the window of her house watching a cat play the
piano.
A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a
woman’s car during their first date. When the judge asked for an
explanation, the man admitted - he's just not that into his car.
A new insurance survey found that nearly half a million car accidents
each year are caused by female drivers applying make up - which
explains why Nancy Pelosi is switching to Geico.
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was "Zombieland" -
pulling in 25 million dollars. It's the best thing to happen to
zombies since Amy Winehouse and Blake got back together.
Kate Gosselin went on the Today Show this morning and said that Jon
withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account – leaving her only
$1,300. Jon Gosselin said he needed the money because the price of Ed
Hardy t shirts went up.
... Jon Gosselin said he had no choice, if he didn't withdraw the
money, he would've had to extort Letterman.
McDonald’s is opening a restaurant at the Louvre museum in Paris.
Supporters say the McDonald's won't have an affect on any of the
priceless art in the museum... except now instead of smiling, the Mona
Lisa will just look bloated.
New research found that children who eat a lot of candy tend to become
violent adults. They also tend to become fat adults.
... The study also concluded that the childrens' parents are real Dum Dums.
... Which means that kid in Willy Wonka with the Golden ticket... he's
probably in prison.
17th wedding anniversary on Saturday with dinner at the Blue Duck
Tavern in Washington, D.C. The President is so romantic, after dinner
he arranged for a special dessert to be delivered to their table...
unfortunately Rio got it.
Police in Colorado arrested a man for standing naked on highway 34 and
pounding on passing cars. He was charged with "cock-blocking traffic."
The Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam has started airing the only
known video ever taken of her on its YouTube site. The video shows a
young Anne Frank in the window of her house watching a cat play the
piano.
A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a
woman’s car during their first date. When the judge asked for an
explanation, the man admitted - he's just not that into his car.
A new insurance survey found that nearly half a million car accidents
each year are caused by female drivers applying make up - which
explains why Nancy Pelosi is switching to Geico.
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was "Zombieland" -
pulling in 25 million dollars. It's the best thing to happen to
zombies since Amy Winehouse and Blake got back together.
Kate Gosselin went on the Today Show this morning and said that Jon
withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account – leaving her only
$1,300. Jon Gosselin said he needed the money because the price of Ed
Hardy t shirts went up.
... Jon Gosselin said he had no choice, if he didn't withdraw the
money, he would've had to extort Letterman.
McDonald’s is opening a restaurant at the Louvre museum in Paris.
Supporters say the McDonald's won't have an affect on any of the
priceless art in the museum... except now instead of smiling, the Mona
Lisa will just look bloated.
New research found that children who eat a lot of candy tend to become
violent adults. They also tend to become fat adults.
... The study also concluded that the childrens' parents are real Dum Dums.
... Which means that kid in Willy Wonka with the Golden ticket... he's
probably in prison.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
10/2/09
Pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger navigated his first flight Thursday, nine months after his "Miracle on the Hudson" landing... Or as it's known among geese: 9/11.
Michael Moore's new documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story" comes out
this weekend. You can catch it playing on thousands of screens across
the country... or on Michael's Moore's back. Whichever...
The Halloween movie season kicks off this weekend with the release of
the new film, Zombieland - or as it's more commonly known: "Larry King
Live."
... or as it's more commonly known: "60 Minutes."
Archaeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the oldest human skeleton –
a 110-pound female who lived 4.4 million years ago. They classified
her in a new genus, "Nicol-ithecus-Richie-cus".
Happy 58th Birthday to rock n' roll legend, Sting! He said he never
imagined what a 58-year-old Sting would feel like... but now he
feels it every time he pees.
Happy 58th birthday to rock n' roll legend Sting! He celebrated by having 24 straight hours of birthday cake... Without blowing out the candles.
Michael Moore's new documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story" comes out
this weekend. You can catch it playing on thousands of screens across
the country... or on Michael's Moore's back. Whichever...
The Halloween movie season kicks off this weekend with the release of
the new film, Zombieland - or as it's more commonly known: "Larry King
Live."
... or as it's more commonly known: "60 Minutes."
Archaeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the oldest human skeleton –
a 110-pound female who lived 4.4 million years ago. They classified
her in a new genus, "Nicol-ithecus-Richie-cus".
Happy 58th Birthday to rock n' roll legend, Sting! He said he never
imagined what a 58-year-old Sting would feel like... but now he
feels it every time he pees.
Happy 58th birthday to rock n' roll legend Sting! He celebrated by having 24 straight hours of birthday cake... Without blowing out the candles.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
10/1/09
President Obama's in Europe today. He made a stop in Geneva for the first one-on-one talks between the US and Iran since 1979. Then he traveled to Copenhagen where he met up with Michelle Obama and Oprah - for the first ever meeting of three black people in Copenhagen.
GM announced yesterday that it is shutting down its Saturn brand. With Saturns off the market it instantly gives the vehicles classic car status... like Datsuns.
The move makes way for GM's newer, cheaper brand of vehicles... Uranus.
GM announced yesterday that it is shutting down its Saturn brand. With Saturns off the market it instantly gives the vehicles classic car status... like Datsuns.
The move makes way for GM's newer, cheaper brand of vehicles... Uranus.
9/30/09
Today, President Obama announced $5 billion in government grants for scientists - calling it the “single largest boost to biomedical research in history.” - that is, besides Michael Jackson's autopsy.
Support for the "Obamacare" plan hit a new low this week - just 41%. Meanwhile, people are rallying around the Republican healthcare plan entitled: "We Don't Care"
Before going to Copenhagan to lobby for the city of Chicago to get the 2016 Olympic Games - President Obama will briefly stop off in Geneva to hold talks with Iranian officials about their unauthorized nuclear weapons program - which is nothing compared to Switzerland's unauthorized weapons program: the Swiss Army Knife.
CNN introduced an iPhone app yesterday that will give users a constant stream of updates for $1.99 a week. And for an additional $1.99, users can have hot, steamy conversation with Larry King.
Hugo Chavez and Moammar Qaddafi signed a document on Monday calling for a new global definition of terrorism. Chavez & Qaddafi are officially the new Merriam & Webster.
Spencer Pratt’s sister, Stephanie, wants to leave “The Hills” saying “it is very brutal” and that she can’t stand it anymore. Ugh I know, all the drama, the backstabbing... the lines she has to memorize... brutal.
Pharmacies here in New York will offer free swine flu shots to the unemployed. Which is great news for anyone who played for the Mets this season.
Happy 52nd birthday to Fran Drescher! She celebrated with family and friends... all trying NOT to make her laugh.
Happy 45th birthday to Trey Anastasio from Phish. His friends serenaded him with a 90-minute version of Happy Birthday.
Weather forecasters predict that the Northeastern United States will have its coldest winter in a decade because of a weak El Niño. Which means here in New York Donald Trump's gonna need a few extra layers of that thing on top of his head.
Yankee Stadium is expected to host a college football bowl game in 2010 – with teams from the Big East and Big 12 conferences. If you can't afford tickets to see your school play, don't worry, student loans will be available.
Support for the "Obamacare" plan hit a new low this week - just 41%. Meanwhile, people are rallying around the Republican healthcare plan entitled: "We Don't Care"
Before going to Copenhagan to lobby for the city of Chicago to get the 2016 Olympic Games - President Obama will briefly stop off in Geneva to hold talks with Iranian officials about their unauthorized nuclear weapons program - which is nothing compared to Switzerland's unauthorized weapons program: the Swiss Army Knife.
CNN introduced an iPhone app yesterday that will give users a constant stream of updates for $1.99 a week. And for an additional $1.99, users can have hot, steamy conversation with Larry King.
Hugo Chavez and Moammar Qaddafi signed a document on Monday calling for a new global definition of terrorism. Chavez & Qaddafi are officially the new Merriam & Webster.
Spencer Pratt’s sister, Stephanie, wants to leave “The Hills” saying “it is very brutal” and that she can’t stand it anymore. Ugh I know, all the drama, the backstabbing... the lines she has to memorize... brutal.
Pharmacies here in New York will offer free swine flu shots to the unemployed. Which is great news for anyone who played for the Mets this season.
Happy 52nd birthday to Fran Drescher! She celebrated with family and friends... all trying NOT to make her laugh.
Happy 45th birthday to Trey Anastasio from Phish. His friends serenaded him with a 90-minute version of Happy Birthday.
Weather forecasters predict that the Northeastern United States will have its coldest winter in a decade because of a weak El Niño. Which means here in New York Donald Trump's gonna need a few extra layers of that thing on top of his head.
Yankee Stadium is expected to host a college football bowl game in 2010 – with teams from the Big East and Big 12 conferences. If you can't afford tickets to see your school play, don't worry, student loans will be available.
9/29/09
Miners in South Africa discovered a 507-carat diamond this week – one of the 20 largest rough diamonds ever found. Kobe Bryant immediately bought it and gave it to his wife... just in case.
Russian chess master Garry Kasparov handily defeated Anatoli Karpov (9 to 3) in a rematch commemorating the 25th anniversary of their epic first duel in 1984. I'm sure we all remember what we were doing that day 25 years ago... Not watching chess.
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. No word on how the change will affect the free toaster giveaways.
... Despite the possible change the World Bank will still keep all of its pens attached to chains.
Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and as of November 2, the TLC show will be called “Kate Plus 8.” Also the part of Kate will now be played by Kathy Lee Gifford.
It will follow TLC's other big hit "Kirstie plus 250"
President Obama will travel to Copenhagen on Thursday to make a pitch for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. He'll speak before the International Olympic Commitee and then appear on every TV show in Denmark.
A woman in Oklahoma was arrested after her 14-year-old son told police he was locked inside a bedroom closet for years. Now that he's out of the closet the boy plans to be your! Next! American! Idol!
Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst announced on Twitter yesterday that he and his wife, Esther, are splitting up after 2 months of marriage. Apparently he did it all for the Nookie.
Taliban insurgents threatened to bomb Oktoberfest in Munich if Germany does not leave Afghanistan. Yeah, that's a good idea, attack thousands of drunk German people.
I don't know what the Taliban is thinking... if they really want Germany to leave Afghanistan they just have to ask in a way Germans would understand like, "Ok Germany, closing time! You don't have to go home but you gotta get the hell out of heeeeeeee-aaaaaaah!"
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Meanwhile Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke says that's ridiculous. The only currency that could replace dollars are I.O.U.'s.
Mark your calendars guys, Sarah Palin's memoir detailing her 2008 run for Vice President will be released on November 17th and it's called, "Going Rogue: An American Life." - "Going Rogue" is a cool title... although it's pretty close to McCain's 2008 election memoir, "Going Insane."
Palin's memoir is 400 pages long... but the last 200 are blank.
Russian chess master Garry Kasparov handily defeated Anatoli Karpov (9 to 3) in a rematch commemorating the 25th anniversary of their epic first duel in 1984. I'm sure we all remember what we were doing that day 25 years ago... Not watching chess.
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. No word on how the change will affect the free toaster giveaways.
... Despite the possible change the World Bank will still keep all of its pens attached to chains.
Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and as of November 2, the TLC show will be called “Kate Plus 8.” Also the part of Kate will now be played by Kathy Lee Gifford.
It will follow TLC's other big hit "Kirstie plus 250"
President Obama will travel to Copenhagen on Thursday to make a pitch for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. He'll speak before the International Olympic Commitee and then appear on every TV show in Denmark.
A woman in Oklahoma was arrested after her 14-year-old son told police he was locked inside a bedroom closet for years. Now that he's out of the closet the boy plans to be your! Next! American! Idol!
Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst announced on Twitter yesterday that he and his wife, Esther, are splitting up after 2 months of marriage. Apparently he did it all for the Nookie.
Taliban insurgents threatened to bomb Oktoberfest in Munich if Germany does not leave Afghanistan. Yeah, that's a good idea, attack thousands of drunk German people.
I don't know what the Taliban is thinking... if they really want Germany to leave Afghanistan they just have to ask in a way Germans would understand like, "Ok Germany, closing time! You don't have to go home but you gotta get the hell out of heeeeeeee-aaaaaaah!"
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Meanwhile Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke says that's ridiculous. The only currency that could replace dollars are I.O.U.'s.
Mark your calendars guys, Sarah Palin's memoir detailing her 2008 run for Vice President will be released on November 17th and it's called, "Going Rogue: An American Life." - "Going Rogue" is a cool title... although it's pretty close to McCain's 2008 election memoir, "Going Insane."
Palin's memoir is 400 pages long... but the last 200 are blank.
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