On Monday, Mia Farrow will begin a hunger strike – only drinking water – to protest the conditions in Darfur. Meanwhile Woody Allen will just complain about how "The conditions in Darfur are just craaaaaazy"
New research shows that as many as sixty percent of all heart attacks go entirely unnoticed... mostly because Dick Cheyney covers them up.
Executives from Twitter, YouTube and Google are in Iraq to see how new media can be used to rebuild the country. They'll each look to compete with Facebook who already launched an Iraqi version of the site, strictly for women called: "CoverYourFacebook"
The Mayor of San Francisco – Gavin Newsom – has announced that he will run for governor of California in 2010. Unless Governor Schwarzenegger terminates him first.
A federal judge will not give Rod Blagojevich permission to travel to the Costa Rican jungle to tape a reality TV show. Instead the reality show will just tape in a more convenient jungle for the ex-governor: His hair.
Ed Begley, Jr. will introduce an environmentally friendly showcase on Wednesday’s episode of The Price is Right. In keeping with the Green theme, the show will also start using biodegradable Plinko Chips.
A new study in Germany shows that breakdancers suffer a higher rate of spine, knee and wrist injuries. The study also found that a large majority of the dancers suffer from something called "pop and lock" jaw.
The Bodies Exhibit – that traveling show that lets you look at preserved body parts – is being forced to close in Paris after a judge ruled that it was indecent. Apparently the lungs of the preserved body weren't black enough.
... it wasn't that the body on display was of a naked female, it was that the body didn't have enough armpit hair.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
4/20/09 - POSSIBLE 3RD JOKE ON AIR!!!
Madonna was thrown from a horse this weekend after it was startled by paparazzi taking her photograph. Although her injuries are said to be minor she did temporarily lose the use of her British accent.
John McCain’s daughter Meghan said this weekend that “old school Republicans” are “scared shitless” of the changing political landscape. When asked if her statement applies to her father she said, "no, he craps his pants all the time."
A new study shows that Austin, Texas is the best city in the country for employment. So if you're looking for a job and you're willing to move, better do it soon before Texas secedes.
British scientists have developed a cure for the most common cause of blindness – which will be available to the public in seven years. That's bad news for guys who now only have seven more years to masturbate.
The owner of a pub in England is auctioning off a toilet seat on eBay after Camilla Parker Bowles used the bathroom. That's pretty gross but at least he's not trying to sell her Camila Parker "Bowels".
Congress will begin work this week on a global warming bill that could finally regulate auto pollution. When asked if the bill is any different than the hot air that usually comes out of Congress, environmentalists said they couldn't tell because of all the smog.
John McCain’s daughter Meghan said this weekend that Republicans using Twitter and Facebook won’t make people think the party is cool again. Instead she recommended the party release a sex tape.
A company in Utah is converting the Hummer into an electric vehicle that can achieve one hundred miles per gallon. Wow, an energy efficient, electric Hummer... sounds like douchebags found something they care about more than their abs.
Jackie Chan said Saturday that a free society may not be a good thing for China, and that the Chinese need to be controlled. Chan's comments drew criticism from many including Chris Tucker who said, "I don't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth!"
John McCain’s daughter Meghan said this weekend that “old school Republicans” are “scared shitless” of the changing political landscape. When asked if her statement applies to her father she said, "no, he craps his pants all the time."
A new study shows that Austin, Texas is the best city in the country for employment. So if you're looking for a job and you're willing to move, better do it soon before Texas secedes.
British scientists have developed a cure for the most common cause of blindness – which will be available to the public in seven years. That's bad news for guys who now only have seven more years to masturbate.
The owner of a pub in England is auctioning off a toilet seat on eBay after Camilla Parker Bowles used the bathroom. That's pretty gross but at least he's not trying to sell her Camila Parker "Bowels".
Congress will begin work this week on a global warming bill that could finally regulate auto pollution. When asked if the bill is any different than the hot air that usually comes out of Congress, environmentalists said they couldn't tell because of all the smog.
John McCain’s daughter Meghan said this weekend that Republicans using Twitter and Facebook won’t make people think the party is cool again. Instead she recommended the party release a sex tape.
A company in Utah is converting the Hummer into an electric vehicle that can achieve one hundred miles per gallon. Wow, an energy efficient, electric Hummer... sounds like douchebags found something they care about more than their abs.
Jackie Chan said Saturday that a free society may not be a good thing for China, and that the Chinese need to be controlled. Chan's comments drew criticism from many including Chris Tucker who said, "I don't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth!"
Friday, April 17, 2009
4/16/09
John Madden announced his retirement today at the age of 73. When asked how he's going to spend his retirement Madden said, "playing Madden."
The White House released the tax filings for both the President and the First Lady on Wednesday, showing a combined income of nearly two point seven million dollars. Among the Obama's write offs were charitable contributions made by President Obama and for Mrs. Obama, sleeves.
Octomom Nadya Suleman is trying to trademark her nickname to sell a line of disposable diapers and children’s clothing... and if that goes well, maybe some of her babies.
Hulk Hogan is venting his anger about his wife’s lifestyle since their separation, saying he “could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ.” Instead the Hulkster said he chose a much more civilized approach... then he tore off his t shirt and challenged his wife's boyfriend to a steel cage match!
Hulk Hogan is venting his anger about his wife’s lifestyle since their separation, saying he “could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ.” He went on to say if he did handle things like OJ he would've picked a better tag team partner than Kato Kaelin.
To pay off her presidential campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off several prizes online, including a day with Bill Clinton. When asked what it's like spending a day with her husband she said she didn't have a clue.
A twenty four-year-old Russian pop singer is claiming to be the girlfriend blamed for ending Mel Gibson’s marriage. Gibson said blaming the singer for anything is ridiculous because she's not even Jewish.
A new dating show called "The Cougar" premiered on TV Land last night. The premise of the show is simple: A woman in her 40's chooses a mate out of a pool of 20 younger men. Once she makes her choice, the other 19 contestants are mauled by a cougar.
American Idol judges used their only "save" last night to keep eliminated contestant Matt Giraud safe on the show. Many fans are saying the judges should've waited to save a contestant until after "Somali Pirate" theme night.
A nine-year-old boy in Tennessee confessed to starting a fire at a Dollar General Store because he was mad at his mother. The Dollar Store declined to press charges but demanded that the boy repay the entire seven dollars worth of damage he caused.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy called President Obama's leadership style "unoriginal, unsubstantial and overrated." But on a positive note, he did applaud this President for at least knowing what those words mean.
President Obama is in Mexico today for a quick visit to address drug violence and immigration reform. While he's south of the border he'll also meet up with former President Clinton who's there on Spring Break.
The White House released the tax filings for both the President and the First Lady on Wednesday, showing a combined income of nearly two point seven million dollars. Among the Obama's write offs were charitable contributions made by President Obama and for Mrs. Obama, sleeves.
Octomom Nadya Suleman is trying to trademark her nickname to sell a line of disposable diapers and children’s clothing... and if that goes well, maybe some of her babies.
Hulk Hogan is venting his anger about his wife’s lifestyle since their separation, saying he “could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ.” Instead the Hulkster said he chose a much more civilized approach... then he tore off his t shirt and challenged his wife's boyfriend to a steel cage match!
Hulk Hogan is venting his anger about his wife’s lifestyle since their separation, saying he “could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ.” He went on to say if he did handle things like OJ he would've picked a better tag team partner than Kato Kaelin.
To pay off her presidential campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off several prizes online, including a day with Bill Clinton. When asked what it's like spending a day with her husband she said she didn't have a clue.
A twenty four-year-old Russian pop singer is claiming to be the girlfriend blamed for ending Mel Gibson’s marriage. Gibson said blaming the singer for anything is ridiculous because she's not even Jewish.
A new dating show called "The Cougar" premiered on TV Land last night. The premise of the show is simple: A woman in her 40's chooses a mate out of a pool of 20 younger men. Once she makes her choice, the other 19 contestants are mauled by a cougar.
American Idol judges used their only "save" last night to keep eliminated contestant Matt Giraud safe on the show. Many fans are saying the judges should've waited to save a contestant until after "Somali Pirate" theme night.
A nine-year-old boy in Tennessee confessed to starting a fire at a Dollar General Store because he was mad at his mother. The Dollar Store declined to press charges but demanded that the boy repay the entire seven dollars worth of damage he caused.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy called President Obama's leadership style "unoriginal, unsubstantial and overrated." But on a positive note, he did applaud this President for at least knowing what those words mean.
President Obama is in Mexico today for a quick visit to address drug violence and immigration reform. While he's south of the border he'll also meet up with former President Clinton who's there on Spring Break.
4/15/09
A new study has found that students who use Facebook spend less time studying and have lower grade point averages than students who don’t use Facebook. The study also found that the students who spent more time studying spent less time getting "superpoked."
Boxing legend Oscar De La Hoya announced his retirement on Tuesday at the age of thirty-six. He also announced his comeback fight at the age of 39.
California’s Department of Transportation has allotted seventy-five million dollars to repave a three mile stretch of pavement on an interstate. It's the most expensive facelift in LA since last week.
California’s Department of Transportation has allotted seventy-five million dollars to repave a three mile stretch of pavement on an interstate. As part of the expenditure, the road will also receive breast implants and a tummy tuck.
California’s Department of Transportation has allotted seventy-five million dollars to repave a three mile stretch of pavement on an interstate. Once the facelift is complete lawmakers expect the road to look like Joan Rivers.
After seventeen years, three Chinese brothers have completed the world’s first life-size replica of Noah’s ark. The brothers will now attempt the near impossible task of finding two of every species to fill the Ark... the most difficult of which being a woman.
Vermont is considering a bill that would make it legal for teenagers eighteen and under to send explicit photos and videos of themselves – an act known as “sexting.” The bill would also free the way for Verizon to add "unlimited sexting" to all its calling plans.
Kentucky Fried Chicken will begin offering grilled chicken as an option on its menu this week. Instead of a bucket the new grilled chicken will be served over the Colonel's dead body.
A Dutch journalist holds no hard feelings after being carjacked during a reporting trip to Detroit last week. He said he'd rather commute through downtown Detroit in his wooden shoes than the Ford he was driving in anyway.
A man in Georgia called the police when a prostitute he picked up stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel bathroom. Authorities wouldn't release the man's name but his identity is pretty easy to figure out because when police arrived he was wrapped in a Sham Wow.
Boxing legend Oscar De La Hoya announced his retirement on Tuesday at the age of thirty-six. He also announced his comeback fight at the age of 39.
California’s Department of Transportation has allotted seventy-five million dollars to repave a three mile stretch of pavement on an interstate. It's the most expensive facelift in LA since last week.
California’s Department of Transportation has allotted seventy-five million dollars to repave a three mile stretch of pavement on an interstate. As part of the expenditure, the road will also receive breast implants and a tummy tuck.
California’s Department of Transportation has allotted seventy-five million dollars to repave a three mile stretch of pavement on an interstate. Once the facelift is complete lawmakers expect the road to look like Joan Rivers.
After seventeen years, three Chinese brothers have completed the world’s first life-size replica of Noah’s ark. The brothers will now attempt the near impossible task of finding two of every species to fill the Ark... the most difficult of which being a woman.
Vermont is considering a bill that would make it legal for teenagers eighteen and under to send explicit photos and videos of themselves – an act known as “sexting.” The bill would also free the way for Verizon to add "unlimited sexting" to all its calling plans.
Kentucky Fried Chicken will begin offering grilled chicken as an option on its menu this week. Instead of a bucket the new grilled chicken will be served over the Colonel's dead body.
A Dutch journalist holds no hard feelings after being carjacked during a reporting trip to Detroit last week. He said he'd rather commute through downtown Detroit in his wooden shoes than the Ford he was driving in anyway.
A man in Georgia called the police when a prostitute he picked up stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel bathroom. Authorities wouldn't release the man's name but his identity is pretty easy to figure out because when police arrived he was wrapped in a Sham Wow.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
4/14/09
Music producer Phil Spector could face fifteen years to life in prison after being convicted of second-degree murder Monday. Before being led out of the courtroom Spector shared one last emotional goodbye with his blow dryer.
A Minnesota court upheld Monday that Democrat Al Franken won his 2008 Senate race against Republican Norm Coleman by 312 votes. Which finally confirms that doggonnit people like him.
The White House made history on Monday when Spanish was spoken for the first time at a press briefing. Although to be clear they were ordering lunch.
On Monday, a guest on Glenn Beck’s Fox News show passed out as he was discussing why American companies are going bankrupt. Glenn Beck blamed the collapse on free spending Democrats.
Marriot hotels will no longer offer automatic newspaper delivery to guests' rooms. Now the only news you can get delivered to your room is that housekeeping is all out of clean towels.
Nadya Suleman was finally able to bring home the last of her octuplets yesterday. Doctors said they had to wait to release the child until he tripled his birthweight... or at least weighed as much as his mother's lips.
On this day in 1828, Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. It's a pretty amazing accomplishment. There's really only one word that can defines someone like Webster: Nerd.
On this day in 1828, Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. He celebrated at a party where he learned the definition of the word "no" from all the female attendees.
On this day in 1828, Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. Which was the only thing that night that happened to his dic...tionary!
Tomorrow, April 15th, is tax day. Which is news to Obama's Cabinet which calls it Spring Break.
Tomorrow, April 15th, is tax day. Or as Obama's Cabinet calls it, Wednesday.
Tomorrow, April 15th, is tax day. It's also the second to last day of Passover... which for most of Obama's Cabinet means tomorrow means absolutely nothing.
Our governor here in New York, David Patterson announced that he's going to
unveil legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. When asked why he supports the controversial legislation he said, "when it comes to gay marriage, I don't see what all the fuss is about... seriously I don't see it..."
A Minnesota court upheld Monday that Democrat Al Franken won his 2008 Senate race against Republican Norm Coleman by 312 votes. Which finally confirms that doggonnit people like him.
The White House made history on Monday when Spanish was spoken for the first time at a press briefing. Although to be clear they were ordering lunch.
On Monday, a guest on Glenn Beck’s Fox News show passed out as he was discussing why American companies are going bankrupt. Glenn Beck blamed the collapse on free spending Democrats.
Marriot hotels will no longer offer automatic newspaper delivery to guests' rooms. Now the only news you can get delivered to your room is that housekeeping is all out of clean towels.
Nadya Suleman was finally able to bring home the last of her octuplets yesterday. Doctors said they had to wait to release the child until he tripled his birthweight... or at least weighed as much as his mother's lips.
On this day in 1828, Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. It's a pretty amazing accomplishment. There's really only one word that can defines someone like Webster: Nerd.
On this day in 1828, Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. He celebrated at a party where he learned the definition of the word "no" from all the female attendees.
On this day in 1828, Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. Which was the only thing that night that happened to his dic...tionary!
Tomorrow, April 15th, is tax day. Which is news to Obama's Cabinet which calls it Spring Break.
Tomorrow, April 15th, is tax day. Or as Obama's Cabinet calls it, Wednesday.
Tomorrow, April 15th, is tax day. It's also the second to last day of Passover... which for most of Obama's Cabinet means tomorrow means absolutely nothing.
Our governor here in New York, David Patterson announced that he's going to
unveil legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. When asked why he supports the controversial legislation he said, "when it comes to gay marriage, I don't see what all the fuss is about... seriously I don't see it..."
4/13/09
A hospital in Boston has performed the nation’s second face transplant in a seventeen-hour operation. The Boston doctors said such a difficult surgery was necessary because the patient's face was, "wicked hideous."
After appearing on CNN Sunday, U.S. General Ray Odierno’s Facebook supporters increased from seventy to nine hundred. Which is the same rate Larry King has aged since his show's been on CNN.
A man in Michigan has been arrested for owing more than half a million dollars in child support for fourteen different children. Let's see: Male, irresponsible, father of fourteen... sounds like a perfect match for the Octomom.
... when the Octomom heard about the irresponsible father of fourteen she said, "hook me up!"
Michelle Obama is the nation’s first first lady to hire a full-time makeup artist. To create room in her budget to pay for the service, the first lady cut out all expenses related to sleeves.
A Somali pirate responsible for holding a U.S. naval crew hostage is now facing life in prison. Which should be a smooth transition for the pirate considering all the booty he'll find behind bars.
A New Jersey man is alleging that his estranged wife committed adultery with Bruce Springsteen. He said he didn't mind her cheating but only filed for divorce when she refused to get him the Boss's autograph.
Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced a comedy tour with six performances beginning in June. Early reviews of his material have drawn comparisons to Jeff Foxworthy since all of Beck's jokes begin with "you might be a Fascist if..."
Yesterday was Easter and to celebrate parishioners at a church in Sweden unveiled a six-foot-tall statue of Jesus made entirely of Legos. This marks the return of the Lego Jesus after a bunch of Jews accidentally knocked over the first one.
After appearing on CNN Sunday, U.S. General Ray Odierno’s Facebook supporters increased from seventy to nine hundred. Which is the same rate Larry King has aged since his show's been on CNN.
A man in Michigan has been arrested for owing more than half a million dollars in child support for fourteen different children. Let's see: Male, irresponsible, father of fourteen... sounds like a perfect match for the Octomom.
... when the Octomom heard about the irresponsible father of fourteen she said, "hook me up!"
Michelle Obama is the nation’s first first lady to hire a full-time makeup artist. To create room in her budget to pay for the service, the first lady cut out all expenses related to sleeves.
A Somali pirate responsible for holding a U.S. naval crew hostage is now facing life in prison. Which should be a smooth transition for the pirate considering all the booty he'll find behind bars.
A New Jersey man is alleging that his estranged wife committed adultery with Bruce Springsteen. He said he didn't mind her cheating but only filed for divorce when she refused to get him the Boss's autograph.
Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced a comedy tour with six performances beginning in June. Early reviews of his material have drawn comparisons to Jeff Foxworthy since all of Beck's jokes begin with "you might be a Fascist if..."
Yesterday was Easter and to celebrate parishioners at a church in Sweden unveiled a six-foot-tall statue of Jesus made entirely of Legos. This marks the return of the Lego Jesus after a bunch of Jews accidentally knocked over the first one.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Weekend
President Obama had to be convinced by French President Nicolas Sarkozy to accept a kiss from a female French student while overseas this weekend. In Obama’s defense, when the student leaned in for the kiss, Secret Service swarmed him and started yelling, “Code Bill, Code Bill!”
“Fast And Furious” had the biggest opening weekend of any movie so far this year taking home $72.5 million at the box office. Upon hearing the news President Obama immediately named Vin Diesel CEO of Ford.
Early this morning, a magnitude 6.3 earthquake hit Italy. Which was news to Italians who didn’t feel a thing since they were all having sex when it hit.
Madonna left Malawi on her private jet Sunday after being denied in her attempt to adopt a second child. In a related story the Slumdog Kids are waiting by the only phone in Mumbai.
“Fast And Furious” had the biggest opening weekend of any movie so far this year taking home $72.5 million at the box office. Upon hearing the news President Obama immediately named Vin Diesel CEO of Ford.
Early this morning, a magnitude 6.3 earthquake hit Italy. Which was news to Italians who didn’t feel a thing since they were all having sex when it hit.
Madonna left Malawi on her private jet Sunday after being denied in her attempt to adopt a second child. In a related story the Slumdog Kids are waiting by the only phone in Mumbai.
4/3/09
An agent for Michael Vick said Thursday that he hopes the ex-Falcon QB could return to the league by September. The agent went on to say he expects that NFL fans will welcome Vick back with open arms... except of course for Cleveland's Dog Pound.
The sequel to the “Sex and the City” movie will hit theaters on May 28, 2010. By that time Mr. Big will be known as Mr. That's Ok, It Happens to Every Guy.
On Thursday Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on nineteen federal corruption charges... And one count of obstructing his forehead.
Domino's was forced to give away 11, 000 pizzas for free after a Web customer found a promotion loophole. As a result of the financial loss Domino's can only afford to top their pies with pepper... no more roni.
At Thursday’s G-20 Summit, world leaders pledged over one trillion dollars in loans to struggling countries. To show the world just how much faith they have in the loan the G-20 officially changed their name to AIG.
The New Yankee Stadium opened yesterday. It's just like the old Yankee Stadium but much much bigger... It's like Yankee Stadium on steroids.
The New Yankee Stadium opened yesterday. The festivities included a champagne toast with the players although rumor has it, A-Rod toasted with a glass of juice.
The New Yankee Stadium opened yesterday. Some features of the new stadium include seats closer to the action, no obstructed views, and an A-Rod Juice Stand on every level.
The G-20 summit took place in London this week. The G-20 traditionally brings together the leaders of the world's top 20 economies, which is why President Obama was asked to leave.
The editor of the New York Times said that saving his newspaper is as important as saving Darfur. When asked to comment the editor of the New York Post said, "Who's Darfur?
The sequel to the “Sex and the City” movie will hit theaters on May 28, 2010. By that time Mr. Big will be known as Mr. That's Ok, It Happens to Every Guy.
On Thursday Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on nineteen federal corruption charges... And one count of obstructing his forehead.
Domino's was forced to give away 11, 000 pizzas for free after a Web customer found a promotion loophole. As a result of the financial loss Domino's can only afford to top their pies with pepper... no more roni.
At Thursday’s G-20 Summit, world leaders pledged over one trillion dollars in loans to struggling countries. To show the world just how much faith they have in the loan the G-20 officially changed their name to AIG.
The New Yankee Stadium opened yesterday. It's just like the old Yankee Stadium but much much bigger... It's like Yankee Stadium on steroids.
The New Yankee Stadium opened yesterday. The festivities included a champagne toast with the players although rumor has it, A-Rod toasted with a glass of juice.
The New Yankee Stadium opened yesterday. Some features of the new stadium include seats closer to the action, no obstructed views, and an A-Rod Juice Stand on every level.
The G-20 summit took place in London this week. The G-20 traditionally brings together the leaders of the world's top 20 economies, which is why President Obama was asked to leave.
The editor of the New York Times said that saving his newspaper is as important as saving Darfur. When asked to comment the editor of the New York Post said, "Who's Darfur?
4/2/09
Rumors are surfacing that John Mayer’s newest song “Heartbreak Warfare” may be about his ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston. And judging by Mayer's facial expressions when he sings the song, the couple's breakup was extremely painful for him.
CBS will cancel its soap opera “Guiding Light” after a 72-year run on both radio and television. Or will it????
A museum in New York will feature over two hundred brooches belonging to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. The brooches are just part of a larger Secretary of State-themed collection that, in the future will include hundreds of Hillary Clinton's old Pant Suits.
ER aired its final episode tonight after fifteen years on the air. It was a bitter sweet goodbye for the cast including John Stamos who celebrated by giving all the female extras one last fake physical.
ER aired its final episode tonight after fifteen years on the air. Cast members celebrated the finale by taking turns shocking each other one last time with the defibulator paddles.
The Kennedy Center will honor Bill Cosby with the Twelfth Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. The celebration will include a musical tribute by Fat Albert and the Junkyard Band.
In an asset grab aimed at reimbursing Bernie Madoff's victims, federal authorities seized two boats and his Palm Beach Mansion. Meanwhile in prison, Madoff's cellmate conducted his own asset grab.
During his visit to Buckingham Palace on Wednesday, President Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod containing forty Broadway show tunes. The collection of Broadway hits also contained a number of bonus tracks but Obama asked the Queen to give those back.
Seven students have been punished for violating the code of conduct at Oprah Winfrey’s school for girls in South Africa. Apparently when a teacher surprised the class with a pop quiz on Oprah's favorite things, the girls didn't scream loud enough.
A new study shows that mothers who give birth to multiples run a higher risk of postpartum depression. The study also shows that mothers who give birth to multiple multiples run a higher risk of trying to look like Angelina Jolie.
CBS will cancel its soap opera “Guiding Light” after a 72-year run on both radio and television. Or will it????
A museum in New York will feature over two hundred brooches belonging to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. The brooches are just part of a larger Secretary of State-themed collection that, in the future will include hundreds of Hillary Clinton's old Pant Suits.
ER aired its final episode tonight after fifteen years on the air. It was a bitter sweet goodbye for the cast including John Stamos who celebrated by giving all the female extras one last fake physical.
ER aired its final episode tonight after fifteen years on the air. Cast members celebrated the finale by taking turns shocking each other one last time with the defibulator paddles.
The Kennedy Center will honor Bill Cosby with the Twelfth Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. The celebration will include a musical tribute by Fat Albert and the Junkyard Band.
In an asset grab aimed at reimbursing Bernie Madoff's victims, federal authorities seized two boats and his Palm Beach Mansion. Meanwhile in prison, Madoff's cellmate conducted his own asset grab.
During his visit to Buckingham Palace on Wednesday, President Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod containing forty Broadway show tunes. The collection of Broadway hits also contained a number of bonus tracks but Obama asked the Queen to give those back.
Seven students have been punished for violating the code of conduct at Oprah Winfrey’s school for girls in South Africa. Apparently when a teacher surprised the class with a pop quiz on Oprah's favorite things, the girls didn't scream loud enough.
A new study shows that mothers who give birth to multiples run a higher risk of postpartum depression. The study also shows that mothers who give birth to multiple multiples run a higher risk of trying to look like Angelina Jolie.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Possible 2nd Joke on air
Today marked the start of Oakdale California’s annual Testicle Festival where 400 pounds of bull private parts are fried and served to diners at a sit-down meal. I know it sounds strange but I went last year and had a ball.
As it aired: (Subtitled and told by a crazy Japanese guy as part of a bit)
The annual Testicle Festival in California is going on. 400 pounds of Bull's testicles are cooked up and eaten. And it was a great time. Attendees said, "I had a ball."
As it aired: (Subtitled and told by a crazy Japanese guy as part of a bit)
The annual Testicle Festival in California is going on. 400 pounds of Bull's testicles are cooked up and eaten. And it was a great time. Attendees said, "I had a ball."
4/1/09
Facebook's chief financial officer, Gideon Yu, is leaving the social-networking site. Insiders say Facebook plans to replace him with a much more confusing and harder-to-figure-out CFO.
Playboy model Holly Madison and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were the latest celebrities voted off “Dancing With the Stars.” But don't worry America you can see them back on TV on the upcoming season of Beauty and the Geek.
A representative for David Hassselhoff denied that he's had plastic surgery but admitted he has had Botox “here and there.” It's hard to tell by looking at him though considering most of his "here and there" is covered with chest hair.
The FX channel has struck a deal for the TV rights of all DreamWorks Animation films until 2012. To promote the new partnership FX will premiere a new series called, "It's Always Sunny in Madagascar."
On Tuesday, dozens of jobless people gathered on Manhattan’s Lower East Side for an event called the Unemployment Olympics. As part of the opening ceremony instead of passing a torch everyone in attendance passed around a hacky sack.
Current Dancing with the Stars competitor Melissa Rycroft, whose engagement to The Bachelor was called off on the show's finale is weighing a $500,000 offer to pose for Playboy. Think about it Melissa, that's a lot of money you could be spending on the wedding you're not going to have.
Republicans have replaced Sarah Palin as the keynote speaker at an upcoming party fundraiser. Instead former House Speaker Newt Gingrich will take her place but won't look nearly as hot.
An IRS agent in California has pleaded guilty to cheating on his own taxes. When asked to comment everyone in California said, "Dude, that's so meta..."
Passenger traffic aboard all airline flights in the United States will drop nearly 9 percent this year due to the recession. But remarkably the percentage of crying babies will stay the same.
A federal judge in Pennsylvania said that three teen girls who posed semi-nude for cell phone pictures could not be forced to attend behavior classes. Instead the judge recommended pole dancing classes.
Playboy model Holly Madison and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were the latest celebrities voted off “Dancing With the Stars.” But don't worry America you can see them back on TV on the upcoming season of Beauty and the Geek.
A representative for David Hassselhoff denied that he's had plastic surgery but admitted he has had Botox “here and there.” It's hard to tell by looking at him though considering most of his "here and there" is covered with chest hair.
The FX channel has struck a deal for the TV rights of all DreamWorks Animation films until 2012. To promote the new partnership FX will premiere a new series called, "It's Always Sunny in Madagascar."
On Tuesday, dozens of jobless people gathered on Manhattan’s Lower East Side for an event called the Unemployment Olympics. As part of the opening ceremony instead of passing a torch everyone in attendance passed around a hacky sack.
Current Dancing with the Stars competitor Melissa Rycroft, whose engagement to The Bachelor was called off on the show's finale is weighing a $500,000 offer to pose for Playboy. Think about it Melissa, that's a lot of money you could be spending on the wedding you're not going to have.
Republicans have replaced Sarah Palin as the keynote speaker at an upcoming party fundraiser. Instead former House Speaker Newt Gingrich will take her place but won't look nearly as hot.
An IRS agent in California has pleaded guilty to cheating on his own taxes. When asked to comment everyone in California said, "Dude, that's so meta..."
Passenger traffic aboard all airline flights in the United States will drop nearly 9 percent this year due to the recession. But remarkably the percentage of crying babies will stay the same.
A federal judge in Pennsylvania said that three teen girls who posed semi-nude for cell phone pictures could not be forced to attend behavior classes. Instead the judge recommended pole dancing classes.
3/31/09
A new generic pill combining aspirin, cholesterol medicine and blood pressure drugs will contain everything needed to prevent heart attacks and strokes. Side effects include: Nausea, headaches, and getting robbed by old people.
... It's the best thing to happen to the elderly since Depends!
A Utah man fired a sawed-off shotgun into a McDonald’s drive-through window after being told the menu was breakfast-only. Apparently an egg McMuffin just wasn't good enough for the Hamburglar.
President Barack Obama signed legislation Monday setting aside more than 2 million acres in nine states as protected wilderness. The law blocks all future development into areas that previously avoided protection such as the Rockies... or the Octomom.
Bernie Madoff trading cards will be sold this summer as part of a set featuring other white-collar criminals in history. They're great, if you put a bunch of the Madoff cards in the spokes of your bike tires and ride, it sounds like a metal cup being dragged against prison bars.
President Obama met with House Democrats at the Capitol Monday night to urge them to pass his budget plan. The meeting lasted thru dinner and didn't end until 8 o'clock when Barney Frank had to leave to go watch Gossip Girl.
Former Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson announced she is coming out with her own line of stripper poles. Included with the hardware will be a pole dancing workout video and a diet plan based around eating dinner at 4 in the afternoon.
... It's the best thing to happen to the elderly since Depends!
A Utah man fired a sawed-off shotgun into a McDonald’s drive-through window after being told the menu was breakfast-only. Apparently an egg McMuffin just wasn't good enough for the Hamburglar.
President Barack Obama signed legislation Monday setting aside more than 2 million acres in nine states as protected wilderness. The law blocks all future development into areas that previously avoided protection such as the Rockies... or the Octomom.
Bernie Madoff trading cards will be sold this summer as part of a set featuring other white-collar criminals in history. They're great, if you put a bunch of the Madoff cards in the spokes of your bike tires and ride, it sounds like a metal cup being dragged against prison bars.
President Obama met with House Democrats at the Capitol Monday night to urge them to pass his budget plan. The meeting lasted thru dinner and didn't end until 8 o'clock when Barney Frank had to leave to go watch Gossip Girl.
Former Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson announced she is coming out with her own line of stripper poles. Included with the hardware will be a pole dancing workout video and a diet plan based around eating dinner at 4 in the afternoon.
3/30/09
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will make her first diplomatic trip to Mexico on Wednesday. While she’s there she plans to discuss rising drug violence in the country… and meet up with Bill Clinton who’s there for Spring Break.
“High School Musical 3” won best movie at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards on Saturday. The cast celebrated by giving the Slumdog kids wedgies and stuffing them in lockers.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Sunday the military policy “don’t ask, don’t tell” will not be changed anytime soon. Apparently higher on the priority list is changing the military’s prison policy of “good touch, bad touch.”
Here in New York City today, the Queensboro Bridge turned 100 years old. Also turning 100, all of the drivers waiting to cross it.
Madonna has landed in Malawi where she is expected to adopt another child later this week. Her return to the country marks the start of the new season of the Malawian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
Doctors in France completed the world’s fifth face transplant on Friday after a fifteen-hour operation. They said most of the face was transplanted in the first five hours and the other ten hours were spent thinning out the moustache.
In Seattle, a ninety-year-old man was recently granted his pilot’s license. Next on his bucket list: dying in a fiery plane crash.
“High School Musical 3” won best movie at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards on Saturday. The cast celebrated by giving the Slumdog kids wedgies and stuffing them in lockers.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Sunday the military policy “don’t ask, don’t tell” will not be changed anytime soon. Apparently higher on the priority list is changing the military’s prison policy of “good touch, bad touch.”
Here in New York City today, the Queensboro Bridge turned 100 years old. Also turning 100, all of the drivers waiting to cross it.
Madonna has landed in Malawi where she is expected to adopt another child later this week. Her return to the country marks the start of the new season of the Malawian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
Doctors in France completed the world’s fifth face transplant on Friday after a fifteen-hour operation. They said most of the face was transplanted in the first five hours and the other ten hours were spent thinning out the moustache.
In Seattle, a ninety-year-old man was recently granted his pilot’s license. Next on his bucket list: dying in a fiery plane crash.
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