Division One school Manhattan College signed a one-handed center to its basketball team last week. Despite his handicap, the kid has an amazing hook shot.
Happy Birthday to Diff'rent Strokes Actor Todd Bridges who turned 44today. Nowadays if you ask him, "What you talkin' 'bout Willis" the answer usually has to do with his prostate.
President Obama is in Las Vegas to promote Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. He'll attend a fundraiser that's $500 a plate... and $100 adance.
... to show his support for the pick Tom Jones will stuff his pants with a gavel.
... to show their support for the pick all the hookers will wear fishnet robes.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
5/26/09
President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic
justice for the Supreme Court. She's was raised in the Bronx and is
considered a Centrist... which basically means if you disagree with
her, she will cut you!
California's Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8 - the ban on gay
marriage. But the decision isn't final because in California once the
Supreme Court upholds a decision, it still needs approval from Donald
Trump.
Canadian pop singer Bernard Lachance has received a record deal after
his appearance on Oprah. Even more amazing, so did everyone in the
audience!
Anderson Cooper’s ratings on CNN have dropped 30% since President
Obama took office in January. As a result his nightly show will now be
called: Anderson Cooper 252.
On Monday night’s episode of “The Hills,” Heidi Montag invited her
frenemy Lauren Conrad to her wedding. If she attends, word is she'll
be seated next to Spencer's goatee.
An artist drew this week’s cover of “The New Yorker” using Brushes –
an iPhone application. Not only is the cover the result of an iPhone
app but I laughed so hard at the New Yorker cartoon, I accidentally
iFarted!
A French company is trying to bring a car powered by compressed air to
the United States by 2011. It sounds like a good idea but critics warn
that the engine can be "silent but deadly."
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said Monday that his country
will consider accepting former detainees from Guantanamo Bay. He said
he's most open to accepting those prisoners who endured waterboarding
because he likes his detainees "al dente."
A man from Kenya won the L.A. Marathon on Monday in 2 hours 8 minutes
24 seconds – a record time. It's the fastest anyone in LA has ever
gotten anywhere.
justice for the Supreme Court. She's was raised in the Bronx and is
considered a Centrist... which basically means if you disagree with
her, she will cut you!
California's Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8 - the ban on gay
marriage. But the decision isn't final because in California once the
Supreme Court upholds a decision, it still needs approval from Donald
Trump.
Canadian pop singer Bernard Lachance has received a record deal after
his appearance on Oprah. Even more amazing, so did everyone in the
audience!
Anderson Cooper’s ratings on CNN have dropped 30% since President
Obama took office in January. As a result his nightly show will now be
called: Anderson Cooper 252.
On Monday night’s episode of “The Hills,” Heidi Montag invited her
frenemy Lauren Conrad to her wedding. If she attends, word is she'll
be seated next to Spencer's goatee.
An artist drew this week’s cover of “The New Yorker” using Brushes –
an iPhone application. Not only is the cover the result of an iPhone
app but I laughed so hard at the New Yorker cartoon, I accidentally
iFarted!
A French company is trying to bring a car powered by compressed air to
the United States by 2011. It sounds like a good idea but critics warn
that the engine can be "silent but deadly."
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said Monday that his country
will consider accepting former detainees from Guantanamo Bay. He said
he's most open to accepting those prisoners who endured waterboarding
because he likes his detainees "al dente."
A man from Kenya won the L.A. Marathon on Monday in 2 hours 8 minutes
24 seconds – a record time. It's the fastest anyone in LA has ever
gotten anywhere.
Friday, May 22, 2009
5/22/09 - THIRD JOKE ON FALLON
LATEST JOKE ON LATE NIGHT!
***It’s Memorial Day weekend – which marks the unofficial start of
summer. I love this time of year: bbq's, pool parites, Hillary Clinton
breaks out her bikini pant suits...***
The 93rd annual Indy 500 race is this weekend. You got Dario
Franchitti, Helio Castroneves, Marco Andretti... all racing to try to
have sex with Danica Patrick.
AAA is forecasting that 1.5% more Americans will drive this Memorial Day
weekend compared to 2008. That makes sense considering this year
there's more people living in their cars.
Thousands of active military personnel, dressed in their uniforms,
have converged on New York City to celebrate “Fleet Week”. It also
marks the one time of year when it's cool for drunk chicks to ask
servicemen, "Can I wear your hat? C'mon, let me where your hat!"
American Idol judge Kara Dioguardi surprised “Bikini Girl” by crashing her
performance and stripping down to a bikini on the finale. Bikini Girl
said she was just glad she was singing Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love"
when it happened and not that song Dioguardi wrote...
American Idol judge Kara Dioguardi surprised “Bikini Girl” by crashing her
performance and stripping down to a bikini on the finale. Randy called
the surprise, "the bomb," Simon gave it two thumbs up," and... Paula
almost moved one of her thumbs...
5/21/09
In his new memoir, Larry King revealed that he has a long-lost son, a 47-year-old man named --- Larry King, Jr. Apparently King Jr. had tried to contact his father many times by calling him on the air but he never got thru... all he ever heard was... "Larry King Jr fromPeoria Illinois, you're on the air, hello, Larry King JUNIOR, hello!"
In a huge upset - Kris Allen from Arkansas was voted this year's AmericanIdol - beating out the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. Backstage Lambert was seen crying but he said he just had something in his eyeliner.
... Judge, Kara DioGuari was so upset about the outcome she wrote asong about it that everyone hated.
Did you see how many guest appearances there were on the Idol finalelast night? Kiss, Queen, Rod Stewart, Lionel Ritchie... it was a who's who! Actually, that's what they were all asking each other backstage,"Who's who? What's going on? Where am I?"
The Pentagon reports that 1 out of every 7 detainees released fromGuantanamo Bay has returned to terrorism. Pentagon officials arecalling it: "Brett Favre syndrome."
Happy Birthday to Mr. T who turned 57 years old today. Instead of blowing out the candles on his birthday cake he just pitied them out.
Seven New Yorkers were indicted on charges of running a 24-hour prostitution ring on Craigslist. It was the only place on the Internet where you could pay for a hooker and a used mattress all at the same time.
President Obama plans to sign new credit card legislation that would require people under 21 to prove they can repay their bill. But don't worry kids, the new law would allow the use of iPods and Twilight books as collateral.
Sad news tonight... Wayne Allwine, the actor who voiced Mickey Mousefor more than 30 years, died yesterday. His family says he'll befrozen right alongside Walt Disney.
Astronauts aboard the international space station celebrated a space first on Wednesday by drinking water that had been recycled from theirurine. Jeez, I'd hate to know how they make astronaut ice cream!
In a huge upset - Kris Allen from Arkansas was voted this year's AmericanIdol - beating out the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. Backstage Lambert was seen crying but he said he just had something in his eyeliner.
... Judge, Kara DioGuari was so upset about the outcome she wrote asong about it that everyone hated.
Did you see how many guest appearances there were on the Idol finalelast night? Kiss, Queen, Rod Stewart, Lionel Ritchie... it was a who's who! Actually, that's what they were all asking each other backstage,"Who's who? What's going on? Where am I?"
The Pentagon reports that 1 out of every 7 detainees released fromGuantanamo Bay has returned to terrorism. Pentagon officials arecalling it: "Brett Favre syndrome."
Happy Birthday to Mr. T who turned 57 years old today. Instead of blowing out the candles on his birthday cake he just pitied them out.
Seven New Yorkers were indicted on charges of running a 24-hour prostitution ring on Craigslist. It was the only place on the Internet where you could pay for a hooker and a used mattress all at the same time.
President Obama plans to sign new credit card legislation that would require people under 21 to prove they can repay their bill. But don't worry kids, the new law would allow the use of iPods and Twilight books as collateral.
Sad news tonight... Wayne Allwine, the actor who voiced Mickey Mousefor more than 30 years, died yesterday. His family says he'll befrozen right alongside Walt Disney.
Astronauts aboard the international space station celebrated a space first on Wednesday by drinking water that had been recycled from theirurine. Jeez, I'd hate to know how they make astronaut ice cream!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
5/20/09
Michael Vick was released from Federal prison today. When asked about
returning to the NFL, Vick said he plans to,
"work like a... " -- He said he plans to, "fight like a..." -- He said
he plans to work really hard.
A 4.1 aftershock hit Los Angeles on Tuesday afternoon and was felt 120
miles away in San Diego. The aftershock was so big Manny Ramirez said
he felt it in his ovaries.
At least four inmates at Rikers Island have tested positive for swine
flu... which confirms a theory held by some health officials that the
swine flu can be spread from person to bitch.
At least 250 gyms and fitness centers have been established in Baghdad
since the 2003 U.S. invasion. This probably explains why some are
calling Baghdad the Long Island of the Middle East.
At least 75% of the people who took the Massachusetts teacher’s exam
this year failed the math section. But in their defense those math
questions are, "wicked haaaaaaard."
The Somali teenager who commandeered an American cargo ship in April
was indicted Tuesday on multiple piracy charges. His bail was set at
20 chests full of gold coins.
returning to the NFL, Vick said he plans to,
"work like a... " -- He said he plans to, "fight like a..." -- He said
he plans to work really hard.
A 4.1 aftershock hit Los Angeles on Tuesday afternoon and was felt 120
miles away in San Diego. The aftershock was so big Manny Ramirez said
he felt it in his ovaries.
At least four inmates at Rikers Island have tested positive for swine
flu... which confirms a theory held by some health officials that the
swine flu can be spread from person to bitch.
At least 250 gyms and fitness centers have been established in Baghdad
since the 2003 U.S. invasion. This probably explains why some are
calling Baghdad the Long Island of the Middle East.
At least 75% of the people who took the Massachusetts teacher’s exam
this year failed the math section. But in their defense those math
questions are, "wicked haaaaaaard."
The Somali teenager who commandeered an American cargo ship in April
was indicted Tuesday on multiple piracy charges. His bail was set at
20 chests full of gold coins.
5/19/09
Happy birthday to ZZ Top co-frontman Dusty Hill who turned 60 years
old today. He said he knew he was getting old when he found 7000 gray
hairs in his beard.
Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s
secret bunker. It's some place you'd never think to look for Joe
Biden... the "Quiet Car" on the Amtrak train.
Mel Gibson’s Russian singer girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with
his baby. Gibson is said to be so excited he's already started
building a manger.
The entire cast of the Cosby Show reunited this morning on the Today
Show. Everybody got along until Al Roker accidentally ate half of
Cosby's hero sandwich.
Every finale this season seems to be ending the same way: On “24,”
Jack Bauer is fighting for his life. On “Grey’s Anatomy,” Izzy is
fighting for her life... and on "American Idol" Paula is fighting with
Simon Cowell.
... On "The Biggest Loser," all the contestants are fighting over a Hot Pocket.
... On "John and Kate Plus 8" John and Kate are fighting over which
four kids each one gets in the divorce.
... On NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs is fighting for... I have no idea,
never seen the show.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. When cops told him he could have killed
someone and asked what the hell he was thinking, "Jerry Seinfeld said,
"What? Nooooo! No Kill! Snap, crackle, pop... no kill!"
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon called Denver Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke a
"bad businessman" for booking a wrestling show at the Pepsi Center on
the same day the Nuggets are supposed to play game 4 of the NBA
playoffs. McMahon better be careful, if he keeps talking like this he
could wind up in the "Kroenke Clutch!"
ABC canceled “Samantha Who,” starring Christina Applegate. The network
said it was too similar to a "Lost" spinoff they're launching called,
"The Smoke Monster, What the Fuck?"
In a recent interview, President Obama said his daughters going on
dates would be an issue because of the Secret Service guards
constantly surrounding them. He did recommend that if they do start
dating, not to kiss and tell that blabbermouth Joe Biden.
... Which is strange because it never stopped President Clinton.
New York City has shut down 16 schools because of the swine flu. The
closings have left many parents with no choice but to "home wedgie"
their kids.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. The man said he wanted to see which side
of Crispix stayed crunchier in a car accident.
old today. He said he knew he was getting old when he found 7000 gray
hairs in his beard.
Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s
secret bunker. It's some place you'd never think to look for Joe
Biden... the "Quiet Car" on the Amtrak train.
Mel Gibson’s Russian singer girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with
his baby. Gibson is said to be so excited he's already started
building a manger.
The entire cast of the Cosby Show reunited this morning on the Today
Show. Everybody got along until Al Roker accidentally ate half of
Cosby's hero sandwich.
Every finale this season seems to be ending the same way: On “24,”
Jack Bauer is fighting for his life. On “Grey’s Anatomy,” Izzy is
fighting for her life... and on "American Idol" Paula is fighting with
Simon Cowell.
... On "The Biggest Loser," all the contestants are fighting over a Hot Pocket.
... On "John and Kate Plus 8" John and Kate are fighting over which
four kids each one gets in the divorce.
... On NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs is fighting for... I have no idea,
never seen the show.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. When cops told him he could have killed
someone and asked what the hell he was thinking, "Jerry Seinfeld said,
"What? Nooooo! No Kill! Snap, crackle, pop... no kill!"
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon called Denver Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke a
"bad businessman" for booking a wrestling show at the Pepsi Center on
the same day the Nuggets are supposed to play game 4 of the NBA
playoffs. McMahon better be careful, if he keeps talking like this he
could wind up in the "Kroenke Clutch!"
ABC canceled “Samantha Who,” starring Christina Applegate. The network
said it was too similar to a "Lost" spinoff they're launching called,
"The Smoke Monster, What the Fuck?"
In a recent interview, President Obama said his daughters going on
dates would be an issue because of the Secret Service guards
constantly surrounding them. He did recommend that if they do start
dating, not to kiss and tell that blabbermouth Joe Biden.
... Which is strange because it never stopped President Clinton.
New York City has shut down 16 schools because of the swine flu. The
closings have left many parents with no choice but to "home wedgie"
their kids.
A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of
cereal while he was driving. The man said he wanted to see which side
of Crispix stayed crunchier in a car accident.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
5/18/09
Congrats to Rachel Alexandra, the first female horse to win the Preakness in 85 years! Ann Coulter called it a victory for female horses everywhere.
Calvin Borel, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Kentucky Derby, switched to Rachel Alexandra for The Preakness on Saturday and won again! To keep his winning streak going, next up for Borel, he plans to ride LeBron James in the NBA finals.
A new Pew Study reveals that Republicans are happier than Democrats and seniors are happier than Baby Boomers. That makes sense. I mean, nothing makes me happier than firin' a gun and crappin' my pants.
Calvin Borel, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Kentucky Derby, switched to Rachel Alexandra for The Preakness on Saturday and won again! To keep his winning streak going, next up for Borel, he plans to ride LeBron James in the NBA finals.
A new Pew Study reveals that Republicans are happier than Democrats and seniors are happier than Baby Boomers. That makes sense. I mean, nothing makes me happier than firin' a gun and crappin' my pants.
5/15/09
A company in Chicago has created a line of hair care products inspiredby former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. The shampoo is good, I tried it, it's called: "No ForeHead & Shoulders".
In the season finale of Grey's Anatomy , Katherine Heigl's character,Izzie, is nearly dead - but could be revived for another season... My guess is, she'll probably wake up next season and realize it was all abad "McDream."
A bbq joint in Cincinnati is being pressured by local officials to cover up a sexy, bikini-clad mannequin that stands outside the storeto greet customers. But Donald Trump said she can keep her "World'sBest Ribs" crown.
Technical problems at Google temporarily prevented people from using its search engine and email services on Thursday. It was scary, people actually had to open books and talk to each other....
The Treasury is in the beginning stages of approving federal bailout money for the nation’s largest insurance company. And by "beginning stages" they mean looking in couch cushions for loose change.
Tryouts were held in New York Thursday for the Lingerie Football League – the LFL. Word is, Michael Vick looked great.
Miss California Carrie Prejean cancelled her appearance on Thursdaynight’s “Larry King Live” because she was tired from celebrating her 22nd birthday the night before. King said he understood because he remembered his 22nd birthday and how tired he got from all the drinkin', partying, and tossing barrels of tea in Boston Harbor.
Hackers successfully stole the passwords of a number of Facebook userson Thursday. I think I speak for all the victims when I say - JimmyFallon doesn't "Like This" (thumbs down)
Google crashed yesterday for two hours. When asked what the problem was, Jeeves said, "don't ask me."
Nude outtakes from Lindsay Lohan's New York Magazine photo shoot havebeen leaked on-line. In a related story, Google just crashed again!
In the season finale of Grey's Anatomy , Katherine Heigl's character,Izzie, is nearly dead - but could be revived for another season... My guess is, she'll probably wake up next season and realize it was all abad "McDream."
A bbq joint in Cincinnati is being pressured by local officials to cover up a sexy, bikini-clad mannequin that stands outside the storeto greet customers. But Donald Trump said she can keep her "World'sBest Ribs" crown.
Technical problems at Google temporarily prevented people from using its search engine and email services on Thursday. It was scary, people actually had to open books and talk to each other....
The Treasury is in the beginning stages of approving federal bailout money for the nation’s largest insurance company. And by "beginning stages" they mean looking in couch cushions for loose change.
Tryouts were held in New York Thursday for the Lingerie Football League – the LFL. Word is, Michael Vick looked great.
Miss California Carrie Prejean cancelled her appearance on Thursdaynight’s “Larry King Live” because she was tired from celebrating her 22nd birthday the night before. King said he understood because he remembered his 22nd birthday and how tired he got from all the drinkin', partying, and tossing barrels of tea in Boston Harbor.
Hackers successfully stole the passwords of a number of Facebook userson Thursday. I think I speak for all the victims when I say - JimmyFallon doesn't "Like This" (thumbs down)
Google crashed yesterday for two hours. When asked what the problem was, Jeeves said, "don't ask me."
Nude outtakes from Lindsay Lohan's New York Magazine photo shoot havebeen leaked on-line. In a related story, Google just crashed again!
5/14/09
During a news conference at the White House on Wednesday, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs threw a reporter’s cell phone into another room after it went off in the middle of the briefing. The reporter got off lucky, in the last administration, he would have been water boarded.
President Obama is considering more than six nominees for the SupremeCourt Justice position. Once he narrows his choices to six finalists,they will go on to compete in...America's--Next--Top--Supreme--Court--Justice!!!!
Archeologists in Germany have discovered a 35,000-year-old statue of a naked female - the oldest known representation of a woman. It's an amazing discovery and one which Larry King called, "just a little something I made in college."
The “Today” show has been the most popular morning show for 700 weeks straight. Just as impressive, the least popular show has been Al Jazeera's "Mr. Ahmadinejad's Neighborhood"...
Olivia Wilde was named the hottest woman on Maxim’s annual Hot 100 List.Last year she was #97 , so she jumped 96 levels of hotness in just one year! Now I'm no expert but looks to me like yet another sign of Global Warming...
President Obama is considering more than six nominees for the SupremeCourt Justice position. Once he narrows his choices to six finalists,they will go on to compete in...America's--Next--Top--Supreme--Court--Justice!!!!
Archeologists in Germany have discovered a 35,000-year-old statue of a naked female - the oldest known representation of a woman. It's an amazing discovery and one which Larry King called, "just a little something I made in college."
The “Today” show has been the most popular morning show for 700 weeks straight. Just as impressive, the least popular show has been Al Jazeera's "Mr. Ahmadinejad's Neighborhood"...
Olivia Wilde was named the hottest woman on Maxim’s annual Hot 100 List.Last year she was #97 , so she jumped 96 levels of hotness in just one year! Now I'm no expert but looks to me like yet another sign of Global Warming...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
5/13/09
Happy Birthday to Hootie and the Blowfish frontman, Darius Rucker who
turned 41 today. Which makes him just old enough to enjoy his own
music.
Former Minnesota Governor - and professional wrestler - Jesse Ventura
claims that he was water-boarded as part of his Navy Seal training.
Based on his experience he agreed that water boarding isn't an
effective form of interrogation. Instead he recommended the Camel
Clutch.
Miss California Carrie Prejean was a guest on Dr. James Dobson's radio
show this week and blamed her nude photos on Satan trying to tempt
her. Well, that settles one debate. Satan is definitely not a woman.
The FDA scolded the makers of Cheerios because it is not authorized to
say it can lower cholesterol. They also asked Tony the Tiger to be
more specific when he says Frosted Flakes are "Grrrrrrrrrrreat!"
Craigslist is dropping its controversial "erotic services" section
after urging from lawmakers. Now if you want to find someone to have
sex with on the website, you have to buy an old coffee table from them
first.
The season finale of Lost was on tonight. I don't wanna ruin anything
for anyone... but after tonight's episode, the "Oceanic Six" will now
be known as "Jack and Kate Plus Eight."
Did you hear, Lindsay Lohan's home was broken into Tuesday night?
Police say when they got there the only thing of Lindsay's missing was
her career.
Liz Cheney – Dick Cheney’s daughter – defended her father on Tuesday,
saying that torture techniques like water-boarding have saved American
lives. Although to be fair, when she said it, Dick Cheney was under
the table with her pinkie toe in a vise.
The Senate backed an amendment Tuesday that would allow people to
carry loaded guns in national parks. The amendment applies to all
American citizens except Dick Cheney.
turned 41 today. Which makes him just old enough to enjoy his own
music.
Former Minnesota Governor - and professional wrestler - Jesse Ventura
claims that he was water-boarded as part of his Navy Seal training.
Based on his experience he agreed that water boarding isn't an
effective form of interrogation. Instead he recommended the Camel
Clutch.
Miss California Carrie Prejean was a guest on Dr. James Dobson's radio
show this week and blamed her nude photos on Satan trying to tempt
her. Well, that settles one debate. Satan is definitely not a woman.
The FDA scolded the makers of Cheerios because it is not authorized to
say it can lower cholesterol. They also asked Tony the Tiger to be
more specific when he says Frosted Flakes are "Grrrrrrrrrrreat!"
Craigslist is dropping its controversial "erotic services" section
after urging from lawmakers. Now if you want to find someone to have
sex with on the website, you have to buy an old coffee table from them
first.
The season finale of Lost was on tonight. I don't wanna ruin anything
for anyone... but after tonight's episode, the "Oceanic Six" will now
be known as "Jack and Kate Plus Eight."
Did you hear, Lindsay Lohan's home was broken into Tuesday night?
Police say when they got there the only thing of Lindsay's missing was
her career.
Liz Cheney – Dick Cheney’s daughter – defended her father on Tuesday,
saying that torture techniques like water-boarding have saved American
lives. Although to be fair, when she said it, Dick Cheney was under
the table with her pinkie toe in a vise.
The Senate backed an amendment Tuesday that would allow people to
carry loaded guns in national parks. The amendment applies to all
American citizens except Dick Cheney.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
5/11/09
Michelle Obama took a group of 20 staffers out for burgers on Friday.
And when I say, “she took them” I mean she literally carried all 20
staffers in her arms.
Star Trek topped the box office this weekend with $76.5 million
dollars. The number would have been higher but all the Trekkies that
arrived at the theatre wearing red uniforms were killed immediately.
Suzanne Boyle turned down the chance to attend the White House
Correspondent’s Dinner on Saturday and meet the President. Apparently
she didn’t want to steal the spotlight from Obama.
China has overtaken the US and Brazil’s largest trading partner… which
is amazing since nobody in China can even pronounce “Brazi-RRR”.
Joe Biden spoke at Syracuse’s graduation ceremony this weekend and
told the graduates they have the power to shape history. Unfortunately
none of the students heard him say it ‘cause they were too busy
staring at his hair.
Congratulations to Oprah Winfrey who received an honorary doctorate
from Duke University this weekend... which officially makes her a
doctor of giving away free shit.
A court in Wisconsin ruled that police can attach GPS to cars and
secretly track people’s movements without obtaining search warrants… I
think we finally know where Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location is…
Michael Jackson will no longer have David Copperfield perform during
his London concerts because he wants one million dollars per show.
It’s a shame too ‘cause I heard Copperfield was gonna make Jackson’s
old face reappear.
Michael Jackson wants to use "Mindfreak" Chris Angel as part of his fifty
concerts in London. Angel said it's an honor for a "Mindfreak" like
him just to be considered to work with a "complete freak" like
Jackson.
Dick Cheney seems to be everywhere in the media, criticizing Obama's
policies. It seems like there's a new video of Cheney released every
day. He's like the new Bin Laden!
And when I say, “she took them” I mean she literally carried all 20
staffers in her arms.
Star Trek topped the box office this weekend with $76.5 million
dollars. The number would have been higher but all the Trekkies that
arrived at the theatre wearing red uniforms were killed immediately.
Suzanne Boyle turned down the chance to attend the White House
Correspondent’s Dinner on Saturday and meet the President. Apparently
she didn’t want to steal the spotlight from Obama.
China has overtaken the US and Brazil’s largest trading partner… which
is amazing since nobody in China can even pronounce “Brazi-RRR”.
Joe Biden spoke at Syracuse’s graduation ceremony this weekend and
told the graduates they have the power to shape history. Unfortunately
none of the students heard him say it ‘cause they were too busy
staring at his hair.
Congratulations to Oprah Winfrey who received an honorary doctorate
from Duke University this weekend... which officially makes her a
doctor of giving away free shit.
A court in Wisconsin ruled that police can attach GPS to cars and
secretly track people’s movements without obtaining search warrants… I
think we finally know where Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location is…
Michael Jackson will no longer have David Copperfield perform during
his London concerts because he wants one million dollars per show.
It’s a shame too ‘cause I heard Copperfield was gonna make Jackson’s
old face reappear.
Michael Jackson wants to use "Mindfreak" Chris Angel as part of his fifty
concerts in London. Angel said it's an honor for a "Mindfreak" like
him just to be considered to work with a "complete freak" like
Jackson.
Dick Cheney seems to be everywhere in the media, criticizing Obama's
policies. It seems like there's a new video of Cheney released every
day. He's like the new Bin Laden!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
5/8/09
Gov. Schwarzenegger announced that California may need to borrow $20
Billion next year. Residents of California can't believe the news... but
Schwarzenegger said, "it's not a RUMOR"
Sean Hannity is attacking Obama for putting mustard on his hamburger
instead of ketchup. Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh admitted he likes putting
another hamburger on his hamburger.
President Obama is proposing $17 billion in budget cuts for 2010.
Among the wasteful government programs on the chopping block is a
program that sends taxpayer money to a Kenyan prince searching for his
family.
Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in to police on Thursday and was
charged with assault for head-butting a designer. He admitted
committing the assault after torturing himself during interrogation.
The Miami Dolphins are renaming their home Landshark Stadium as part
of a partnership with singer Jimmy Buffett. Upon hearing the news,
Miami running back Ricky Williams announced, "today... I am the
luckiest man... on the face... of the Earth..."
Phish lead singer Trey Anastasio lobbied Capitol Hill this week on
behalf of drug users. His speech to Congress lasted 30 minutes
straight. It was awesome!
Construction workers in Cleveland will move the city’s Belt Bridge
four inches to the west this weekend. Apparently Cleveland is trying
to fit into a bathing suit this summer.
Billion next year. Residents of California can't believe the news... but
Schwarzenegger said, "it's not a RUMOR"
Sean Hannity is attacking Obama for putting mustard on his hamburger
instead of ketchup. Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh admitted he likes putting
another hamburger on his hamburger.
President Obama is proposing $17 billion in budget cuts for 2010.
Among the wasteful government programs on the chopping block is a
program that sends taxpayer money to a Kenyan prince searching for his
family.
Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in to police on Thursday and was
charged with assault for head-butting a designer. He admitted
committing the assault after torturing himself during interrogation.
The Miami Dolphins are renaming their home Landshark Stadium as part
of a partnership with singer Jimmy Buffett. Upon hearing the news,
Miami running back Ricky Williams announced, "today... I am the
luckiest man... on the face... of the Earth..."
Phish lead singer Trey Anastasio lobbied Capitol Hill this week on
behalf of drug users. His speech to Congress lasted 30 minutes
straight. It was awesome!
Construction workers in Cleveland will move the city’s Belt Bridge
four inches to the west this weekend. Apparently Cleveland is trying
to fit into a bathing suit this summer.
5/6/09
Keifer Sutherland headbutted designer Jack McCollough and broke his
nose at a party on Monday night. I know his methods sound harsh but he
did get McCollough to tell us where Bin Laden is hiding...
Scientists in Britain created a racecar that can go 145 miles per hour
and run on vegetable oil and chocolate. The only downside is the car
has terrible teeth.
Sales of the novel “Netherland” have soared after President Obama said
he is reading it. Meanwhile sales of pretzels on Amtrak trains have
declined because Joe Biden won't shut up about them.
The President and Vice President made a surprise trip to a burger
joint in Virginia for lunch on Tuesday. Obama told Biden he could have
anything he wanted on the menu as long as he kept quiet on the car
ride home.
Paula Abdul revealed that she's been secretly addicted to prescription painkillers for almost thirty years.
It's the most shocking revelation by Abdul since she admitted that MC Scat Cat was NOT a real cat.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
5/4/09
X-Men Origins: Wolverine was the number one movie this weekend. Hugh Jackman said he loves playing Wolverine but doesn't miss wearing the metal claws on his "jazz hands."
NBC announced its Fall lineup and Jerry Seinfeld is returning to the network. It's a new game show called, "What's the Deal or No Deal?"
Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao from the Phillippines knocked out Ricky Hatton on Saturday in two rounds. Promoters are saying his next opponent could be "Blinky the Ghost."
Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao from the Phillippines knocked out Ricky Hatton on Saturday in two rounds... After the knockout, "Pac Man" said he doesn't care who he fights next, he's just gonna continue training and eating his dots.
Mr. T got called for jury duty in California last week but was eventually dismissed as a potential juror. Court officials didn't believe T could be unbiased because of his long history of showing pity towards fools.
The owner of Panama's largest supermarket chain, Ricardo Martinelli won the country's Presidential election Sunday. Among his campaign promises is an ambitious expansion of the Panama Canal that includes an express lane for boats carrying ten items or less.
Carl Crawford of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays stole six bases in one game last night. League officials say it's the biggest rip off in Baseball since tickets went on sale at the new Yankee Stadium.
Did you see this, over the weekend, the roof collapsed at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility? Most believe winds from a strong thunderstorm caused the collapse but the Cowboy fans are already blaming Jessica Simpson.
The Dallas Cowboys air-supported practice bubble collapsed Saturday during a strong thunderstorm. It's the biggest release of hot air in Dallas since Terrell Owens got cut.
There was a lot of change in Washington while we were away: Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced his retirement, Senator Arlen Spector left the Republican party to become a Democrat, and Hilary Clinton switched from cotton pant suits to linen for the summer.
The United States military has begun using social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook to find young recruits. Meanwhile the Republican party still recruits using Friendster.
“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” took first place at the box office this weekend with $170 million worldwide. X Men fans say Hugh Jackman wields the character's "Adamantium" claws just like Wolverine... and sings and dances just like Ben Vereen.
An 8-year-old Saudi girl has finally been granted a divorce from her 50-year-old husband. Luckily for the girl they had a "prenup" so he can't touch any of her paper route money.
The NFL is in talks to hold the Super Bowl in London sometime within the next eight years. If the game does move to the UK, the NFL plans to replace the Halftime show with a "mid game tea."
NBC announced its Fall lineup and Jerry Seinfeld is returning to the network. It's a new game show called, "What's the Deal or No Deal?"
Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao from the Phillippines knocked out Ricky Hatton on Saturday in two rounds. Promoters are saying his next opponent could be "Blinky the Ghost."
Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao from the Phillippines knocked out Ricky Hatton on Saturday in two rounds... After the knockout, "Pac Man" said he doesn't care who he fights next, he's just gonna continue training and eating his dots.
Mr. T got called for jury duty in California last week but was eventually dismissed as a potential juror. Court officials didn't believe T could be unbiased because of his long history of showing pity towards fools.
The owner of Panama's largest supermarket chain, Ricardo Martinelli won the country's Presidential election Sunday. Among his campaign promises is an ambitious expansion of the Panama Canal that includes an express lane for boats carrying ten items or less.
Carl Crawford of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays stole six bases in one game last night. League officials say it's the biggest rip off in Baseball since tickets went on sale at the new Yankee Stadium.
Did you see this, over the weekend, the roof collapsed at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility? Most believe winds from a strong thunderstorm caused the collapse but the Cowboy fans are already blaming Jessica Simpson.
The Dallas Cowboys air-supported practice bubble collapsed Saturday during a strong thunderstorm. It's the biggest release of hot air in Dallas since Terrell Owens got cut.
There was a lot of change in Washington while we were away: Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced his retirement, Senator Arlen Spector left the Republican party to become a Democrat, and Hilary Clinton switched from cotton pant suits to linen for the summer.
The United States military has begun using social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook to find young recruits. Meanwhile the Republican party still recruits using Friendster.
“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” took first place at the box office this weekend with $170 million worldwide. X Men fans say Hugh Jackman wields the character's "Adamantium" claws just like Wolverine... and sings and dances just like Ben Vereen.
An 8-year-old Saudi girl has finally been granted a divorce from her 50-year-old husband. Luckily for the girl they had a "prenup" so he can't touch any of her paper route money.
The NFL is in talks to hold the Super Bowl in London sometime within the next eight years. If the game does move to the UK, the NFL plans to replace the Halftime show with a "mid game tea."
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