Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! So if you’ve been good this year, you can expect toys and gifts in your stocking… or a sh*load of coal if you’re Tiger Woods.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! - Which means if you hear someone sneaking into your house tomorrow night, it’s probably Santa Claus… or some couple the Secret Service let in.
Monday, December 28, 2009
12/22/09
This is just disgusting - police in the UK are on the lookout for a man who has been going around supermarkets, sniffing people's butts while they shop. To be fair though, that's just how the guy finds the freshest dingleberries. Did anyone see this?
Darth Vader and R2D2 rang the opening bell today at the New York Stock Exchange. Yeah because nothing inspires Wall Street more than seeing the Lord of the Dark Side and a Garbage Can first thing in the morning.
President Obama may delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii so that he can deal with healthcare. But don't worry, if he gets lonely while everyone's away, he can always hang out with all the strangers the Secret Service lets inside the White House.
Obama said Sasha and Malia aren't asking for much this Christmas, but they do like iPods, video games, and books. But number one on their list are a couple pairs of noise cancelling headphones for when they have to hang out with Joe Biden.
This is just unreal - last night, the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead and wound up losing by four to the Sacramento Kings. When the Nets heard how Chicago played they were like, "Whooooaaaa you guys scored 35 points!"
According to a new Rasmussen poll, 56% now disapprove of the job President Obama is doing. Former President Bush was like, "Wow, that's more than half, congratulations!"
Darth Vader and R2D2 rang the opening bell today at the New York Stock Exchange. Yeah because nothing inspires Wall Street more than seeing the Lord of the Dark Side and a Garbage Can first thing in the morning.
President Obama may delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii so that he can deal with healthcare. But don't worry, if he gets lonely while everyone's away, he can always hang out with all the strangers the Secret Service lets inside the White House.
Obama said Sasha and Malia aren't asking for much this Christmas, but they do like iPods, video games, and books. But number one on their list are a couple pairs of noise cancelling headphones for when they have to hang out with Joe Biden.
This is just unreal - last night, the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead and wound up losing by four to the Sacramento Kings. When the Nets heard how Chicago played they were like, "Whooooaaaa you guys scored 35 points!"
According to a new Rasmussen poll, 56% now disapprove of the job President Obama is doing. Former President Bush was like, "Wow, that's more than half, congratulations!"
12/21/09
The winter storm dumped 16 inches in Washington, D.C. this weekend. It was so bad Hillary Clinton had to break out her snow-pants suit.
Kevin Jonas is now married. About 400 guests attended the ceremony on Saturday during a blizzard. The ceremony lasted about an hour... and the wedding night lasted about 30 seconds.
In his interview with Playboy Magazine, Diddy says, “I hope” President Obama “reads this interview and adopts me.” Unfortunately for Diddy, the White House's Playboy subscription ran out when Bill Clinton left office.
A new study from the CDC found that New York is the least happiest state in the U.S. To be fair, the study only surveyed Mets fans.
A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. Apparently she decided to try skydiving since she's already a pro at crapping in her pants.
Congress will vote on a final health care bill at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Strategists are calling Christmas Eve the perfect time to pass the bill - since that's when Joe Lieberman will be out eating Chinese food with his family.
British soldiers are set to receive new camouflage for the first time in 40 years. Yeah apparently red coats and 3 feet tall furry hats weren't cutting it in Iraq.
Some sad news - Sol Price, the founder of the Price Club, died at the age of 93. As per his wishes... he was burried in bulk alongside 30 other dead guys.
As per his wishes he was creamated and free samples of his ashes were handed out at the funeral.
Kevin Jonas is now married. About 400 guests attended the ceremony on Saturday during a blizzard. The ceremony lasted about an hour... and the wedding night lasted about 30 seconds.
In his interview with Playboy Magazine, Diddy says, “I hope” President Obama “reads this interview and adopts me.” Unfortunately for Diddy, the White House's Playboy subscription ran out when Bill Clinton left office.
A new study from the CDC found that New York is the least happiest state in the U.S. To be fair, the study only surveyed Mets fans.
A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. Apparently she decided to try skydiving since she's already a pro at crapping in her pants.
Congress will vote on a final health care bill at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Strategists are calling Christmas Eve the perfect time to pass the bill - since that's when Joe Lieberman will be out eating Chinese food with his family.
British soldiers are set to receive new camouflage for the first time in 40 years. Yeah apparently red coats and 3 feet tall furry hats weren't cutting it in Iraq.
Some sad news - Sol Price, the founder of the Price Club, died at the age of 93. As per his wishes... he was burried in bulk alongside 30 other dead guys.
As per his wishes he was creamated and free samples of his ashes were handed out at the funeral.
Monday, December 21, 2009
12/18/09
Senate leaders are trying to finalize the health care bill for a final vote on Christmas Eve. It's a brilliant strategic move since every year that's the night Joe Lieberman takes his family out for Chinese food.
It's freezing outside - temperatures dropped into the teens today! The worst part is... I forgot my hat today, so this afternoon when I went out for lunch I had to borrow Questlove's afro!
You guys hear this? New York City's outer boroughs are getting a new area code because all the others will be used up by 2012. Yeah there's 718, 347, and now they're adding 71-Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend! So you know what that means, right??? The whole time during the ceremony he's gonna be thinking, "C'mon, can we speed this up already? Let's go!!!"
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend... The wedding ceremony is expected to last about an hour... and his wedding night is expected to last about 30 seconds!
Happy, happy 46th birthday to Brad Pitt! Interesting fact about Pitt, apparently growing up he used to get depressed on his birthday because it was so close to Christmas... but now he gets to have sex with Angelina Jolie so it's all good.
I read this today, one of Tiger Woods' mistresses Jamie Jungers claims she has naked pictures of them together. Yeah apparently you can see his wood and her "Jungers."
James Cameron said he expects California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting once his term expires. When told of Cameron's comment, Arnold said, "it's just a RUMOR!"
Big snow storm coming this weekend guys... It's supposed to hit New York harder than that guy who punched Snooki on "Jersey Shore"!
Big snow storm expected to hit Washington DC this weekend. Everyone's bracing for the worst: Offices are closing early, the roads are being salted, and Hillary Clinton's breaking out her snow-pants suit.
It's freezing outside - temperatures dropped into the teens today! The worst part is... I forgot my hat today, so this afternoon when I went out for lunch I had to borrow Questlove's afro!
You guys hear this? New York City's outer boroughs are getting a new area code because all the others will be used up by 2012. Yeah there's 718, 347, and now they're adding 71-Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend! So you know what that means, right??? The whole time during the ceremony he's gonna be thinking, "C'mon, can we speed this up already? Let's go!!!"
Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend... The wedding ceremony is expected to last about an hour... and his wedding night is expected to last about 30 seconds!
Happy, happy 46th birthday to Brad Pitt! Interesting fact about Pitt, apparently growing up he used to get depressed on his birthday because it was so close to Christmas... but now he gets to have sex with Angelina Jolie so it's all good.
I read this today, one of Tiger Woods' mistresses Jamie Jungers claims she has naked pictures of them together. Yeah apparently you can see his wood and her "Jungers."
James Cameron said he expects California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting once his term expires. When told of Cameron's comment, Arnold said, "it's just a RUMOR!"
Big snow storm coming this weekend guys... It's supposed to hit New York harder than that guy who punched Snooki on "Jersey Shore"!
Big snow storm expected to hit Washington DC this weekend. Everyone's bracing for the worst: Offices are closing early, the roads are being salted, and Hillary Clinton's breaking out her snow-pants suit.
12/17/09
A company in Ireland has started selling an eco-friendly vibrator that's powered by turning a handle clockwise – which generates energy. Women were like "Yes! Finally a hand job we can enjoy!"
Big news. Domino’s is changing its pizza recipe to have a more garlicky crust, with a different tomato sauce and higher quality cheese. But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still taste amazing when you're high.
... But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still be completely offensive to Italian people.
A company in Dubai says it still plans to build a golf course designed by and named after Tiger Woods. At first, club members can only play with one partner... then later on they can have as many as they want.
This is crazy. Police in Italy arrested a man who was trying to sneak into Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s hospital room, while he recovers from an attack at a rally earlier this week. When the Secret Service heard about the arrest they were like, "Whooooa how'd you guys do that???"
Big news. Domino’s is changing its pizza recipe to have a more garlicky crust, with a different tomato sauce and higher quality cheese. But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still taste amazing when you're high.
... But don't worry, just like the original pies - every slice will still be completely offensive to Italian people.
A company in Dubai says it still plans to build a golf course designed by and named after Tiger Woods. At first, club members can only play with one partner... then later on they can have as many as they want.
This is crazy. Police in Italy arrested a man who was trying to sneak into Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s hospital room, while he recovers from an attack at a rally earlier this week. When the Secret Service heard about the arrest they were like, "Whooooa how'd you guys do that???"
12/16/09
Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the best "swinger" alive today.
Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the Wilt Chamberlain of golf.
Have you guys been following this war of words between Sarah Palin and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yesterday Arnold attacked Palin over climate change, today Palin hit back about his economic record. Then Arnold was like, "Go back to Alaska!" and Palin was like, "Where's that?"
Two strangers who met on Captain Sully’s Miracle on the Hudson flight are now seriously dating each other. Yeah apparently they joined the - "Oh my God we're Plummeting from 30,000 Miles!" - High club.
Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, The Associated Press just named him athlete of the decade. Yeah he was so dominant over the last ten years many are calling him the Wilt Chamberlain of golf.
Have you guys been following this war of words between Sarah Palin and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yesterday Arnold attacked Palin over climate change, today Palin hit back about his economic record. Then Arnold was like, "Go back to Alaska!" and Palin was like, "Where's that?"
Two strangers who met on Captain Sully’s Miracle on the Hudson flight are now seriously dating each other. Yeah apparently they joined the - "Oh my God we're Plummeting from 30,000 Miles!" - High club.
12/15/09
Did you guys hear about this, Christmas tree vendors in Hawaii have completely sold out of Christmas trees. Yeah and apparently they're also out of leis (lays) thanks to Tiger Woods.
A pro-marijuana group in California says it has enough signatures to put legalizing marijuana on the ballot in 2010. Though it probably doesn't help that the ballot is full of signatures from some guy named "Smokey McBonghit."
The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report of industries that will lose the most jobs in the next decade. Among the industries on the list is the Postal Service... which means next time I need a stamp I won't be going to the Post Office.
Did you see this? LeBron James took a fan’s French fry during a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. It's not the first time this has happened during an NBA game... The other night one of the Nets tried the same thing... but the fan went right around him and dunked the fry in his face.
Among the candidates for Time Magazine's Person of the Year is “The Chinese Worker” because of their influence in one of the world's largest economies. Meanwhile Chinese Workers were like, "Thanks for narrowing it down! You know there's millions of us, right?! -- Who else is on the list, "Tiger Woods' mistresses?!"
A pro-marijuana group in California says it has enough signatures to put legalizing marijuana on the ballot in 2010. Though it probably doesn't help that the ballot is full of signatures from some guy named "Smokey McBonghit."
The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report of industries that will lose the most jobs in the next decade. Among the industries on the list is the Postal Service... which means next time I need a stamp I won't be going to the Post Office.
Did you see this? LeBron James took a fan’s French fry during a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. It's not the first time this has happened during an NBA game... The other night one of the Nets tried the same thing... but the fan went right around him and dunked the fry in his face.
Among the candidates for Time Magazine's Person of the Year is “The Chinese Worker” because of their influence in one of the world's largest economies. Meanwhile Chinese Workers were like, "Thanks for narrowing it down! You know there's millions of us, right?! -- Who else is on the list, "Tiger Woods' mistresses?!"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12/14/09
Yesterday the Senate passed a $1.1 trillion spending bill with increased budgets for health, education, law and veterans’ programs. In other words, China just upped our allowance.
In order to boost attendance, a church in New Jersey is offering “Football Sunday,” where people can where jerseys to church and tailgate in the parking lot. So far it's working great except for all the vomit in the collection plate.
According to a new Rasmussen poll, President Obama’s approval rating is now at 44% - a new low. Yeah his numbers are decreasing faster than Tiger Woods' bank account.
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face yesterday by a deranged man. He suffered a fractured nose and two broken teeth. Italy is reeling from the incident, in fact out of respect for Burlusconi, today the Italian Parliament observed a somber moment of "Oooohhhhh"...
During last night’s “Christmas at the White House” special, the Obamas said they will leave cookies and milk in the yellow room for Santa. That's just what the Secret Service needs - another visitor at the White house with a history of sneeking into places.
Tiger Woods announced this weekend that he is leaving golf indefinitely. The rest of the PGA tour was like, "great, more chicks for the rest of us!" -- meanwhile chicks were like, "great, now we have to have sex with Vijay Singh..."
The Association of Traditional French Cheese Makers just came out with a promotional pin-up calendar featuring sexy models selling regional cheeses. I just got my copy and let me tell you, each month is hotter than the next... except for April which features Ms. Cottage Cheese.
MTV’s new reality show “Jersey Shore,” doubled its ratings in its second week from 1.37 million viewers for the series premiere, to 2.1 million for the second episode. When asked to explain the success of the show, MTV said they've never seen a cast GEL this much.
In case you were wondering... according to E!, "Tiger’s Wood" is “the official porn parody of the non-golf exploits of” Tiger Woods." So don't be fooled by all the unofficial Tiger Woods porn movies out there like, "Who's Your Caddy?" or "Tiger's PGA Whore"
Happy Birthday to Bob Barker, yesterday he turned 86 years old. Though his actual retail age iiiiiiiiis: 105!
In order to boost attendance, a church in New Jersey is offering “Football Sunday,” where people can where jerseys to church and tailgate in the parking lot. So far it's working great except for all the vomit in the collection plate.
According to a new Rasmussen poll, President Obama’s approval rating is now at 44% - a new low. Yeah his numbers are decreasing faster than Tiger Woods' bank account.
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face yesterday by a deranged man. He suffered a fractured nose and two broken teeth. Italy is reeling from the incident, in fact out of respect for Burlusconi, today the Italian Parliament observed a somber moment of "Oooohhhhh"...
During last night’s “Christmas at the White House” special, the Obamas said they will leave cookies and milk in the yellow room for Santa. That's just what the Secret Service needs - another visitor at the White house with a history of sneeking into places.
Tiger Woods announced this weekend that he is leaving golf indefinitely. The rest of the PGA tour was like, "great, more chicks for the rest of us!" -- meanwhile chicks were like, "great, now we have to have sex with Vijay Singh..."
The Association of Traditional French Cheese Makers just came out with a promotional pin-up calendar featuring sexy models selling regional cheeses. I just got my copy and let me tell you, each month is hotter than the next... except for April which features Ms. Cottage Cheese.
MTV’s new reality show “Jersey Shore,” doubled its ratings in its second week from 1.37 million viewers for the series premiere, to 2.1 million for the second episode. When asked to explain the success of the show, MTV said they've never seen a cast GEL this much.
In case you were wondering... according to E!, "Tiger’s Wood" is “the official porn parody of the non-golf exploits of” Tiger Woods." So don't be fooled by all the unofficial Tiger Woods porn movies out there like, "Who's Your Caddy?" or "Tiger's PGA Whore"
Happy Birthday to Bob Barker, yesterday he turned 86 years old. Though his actual retail age iiiiiiiiis: 105!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
12/9/09
Sarah Palin made Barbara Walters’ list of the Ten Most Fascinating People this year AND last year. The first time in the show’s 17-year history that someone has made the list two years in a row. Insiders say that next year, Palin has a shot to "three-pete"... unless she quits the list first.
Kiki, the tortoise – one of the world’s oldest animals – died last week in France at the age of 146. It's a sad story: about 46 years ago she started walking across a busy street... and then last week, boom! So sad.
Gatorade will discontinue it’s Tiger Woods drink – Focus - but says it made the decision before this whole scandal. Also totally unrelated to the Tiger Woods scandal: They're changing their "What's G?" ad campaign to "Who's G and What's She Doing in your Phone?" - but it's TOTALLY unrelated.
This is kind of strange--a restaurant owner in Pennsylvania saved all of President Obama's leftovers from his recent visit. Obama's leftovers have become such an attraction, the Salehi's have already snuck into the restaurant to try to see them.
Hey, congratulations to supermodel Gisele Bundchen—she and husband Tom Brady had a baby boy! Tom said he can't wait to start teaching his son how to throw a football... meanwhile the kid's thinking, "Screw football? When do I start breast feeding?"
This was unbelievable--a man in Long Island was rescued from a cesspool after he was stuck in it for over four hours yesterday. He said the worst part of being stuck in a cesspool for 4 hours was missing his appointment at the tanning salon.
Kiki, the tortoise – one of the world’s oldest animals – died last week in France at the age of 146. It's a sad story: about 46 years ago she started walking across a busy street... and then last week, boom! So sad.
Gatorade will discontinue it’s Tiger Woods drink – Focus - but says it made the decision before this whole scandal. Also totally unrelated to the Tiger Woods scandal: They're changing their "What's G?" ad campaign to "Who's G and What's She Doing in your Phone?" - but it's TOTALLY unrelated.
This is kind of strange--a restaurant owner in Pennsylvania saved all of President Obama's leftovers from his recent visit. Obama's leftovers have become such an attraction, the Salehi's have already snuck into the restaurant to try to see them.
Hey, congratulations to supermodel Gisele Bundchen—she and husband Tom Brady had a baby boy! Tom said he can't wait to start teaching his son how to throw a football... meanwhile the kid's thinking, "Screw football? When do I start breast feeding?"
This was unbelievable--a man in Long Island was rescued from a cesspool after he was stuck in it for over four hours yesterday. He said the worst part of being stuck in a cesspool for 4 hours was missing his appointment at the tanning salon.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
12/8/09
A bill to legalize gay marriage in New Jersey passed in the state Judiciary Committee yesterday - paving the way for a full Senate vote on Thursday. If the bill passes Thursday's vote, it means gays in New Jersey will have more wins this year than the Nets.
New York City is now testing three new extremely quiet buses in Brooklyn and Manhattan. According to the MTA, the secret to keeping the buses so quiet: Millions of of dollars from Tiger Woods.
Hillary Clinton said on CNN recently that she's thrilled about her daughter Chelsea’s engagement but planning a wedding is “daunting.” Yeah apparently a lot's changed since the last time Hillary had to shop for a wedding pant suit.
There’s a new college in Detroit that was established to teach students how to grow, use and profit from medicinal marijuana. It's a "joint" program.
Big TV news you guys, CBS just cancelled “As the World Turns” after 54 years. Fans are shocked... but not as much as the Mayans who didn't think the world would stop turning until 2012.
A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America yesterday. Palin said she saw the tomatoes coming at her out of the corner of her eye that wasn't winking.
New York City is now testing three new extremely quiet buses in Brooklyn and Manhattan. According to the MTA, the secret to keeping the buses so quiet: Millions of of dollars from Tiger Woods.
Hillary Clinton said on CNN recently that she's thrilled about her daughter Chelsea’s engagement but planning a wedding is “daunting.” Yeah apparently a lot's changed since the last time Hillary had to shop for a wedding pant suit.
There’s a new college in Detroit that was established to teach students how to grow, use and profit from medicinal marijuana. It's a "joint" program.
Big TV news you guys, CBS just cancelled “As the World Turns” after 54 years. Fans are shocked... but not as much as the Mayans who didn't think the world would stop turning until 2012.
A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America yesterday. Palin said she saw the tomatoes coming at her out of the corner of her eye that wasn't winking.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
12/7/09
Did you guys watch the premiere of “The Jersey Shore” on MTV? Italian groups are calling the show “offensive toward Italian Americans” - and now TMZ is reporting that Domino's Pizza has pulled all advertising from the series. Yeah because there’s nobody more concerned with traditional Italian values than the makers of the "Pasta Bread Bowl."
A man in Washington D.C. was arrested for trying to carry $4,000 worth of cocaine inside a cooked chicken onto an airplane. Customs agents knew something was up when even the dark meat was white.
According to a new report, Emma and Jacob were the most popular baby names in the country last year. And according to the same report the least popular parent names were Jon and Kate.
A new policy at Columbia University will allow male and female students to live together in co-ed dorm rooms. Female students are afraid the policy could lead to more sex… while male students are afraid the policy could lead to more conversations about their day.
Astronomers in Japan, Germany and the U.S. have discovered a new planet-like object, 50 light years from Earth - called GJ 758 B. Which is a waaaaaay better name for a planet than Uranus.
At the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony last night, President Obama said of honoree Bruce Springsteen, “I’m the President, but he’s the boss.” Apparently he stole the line from some old “Bush-Cheney” stationary he found lying around the White House.
This weekend on CNN, US General James L. Jones gave an update on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden saying, the army doesn’t know exactly where he is but their “best estimate is somewhere in North Waziristan.” -- Ok this is getting ridiculous, now they’re just making up countries!
Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played yesterday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. And the number is even higher if you count all the games he's played in those Wrangler Jeans commercials.
A man in Washington D.C. was arrested for trying to carry $4,000 worth of cocaine inside a cooked chicken onto an airplane. Customs agents knew something was up when even the dark meat was white.
According to a new report, Emma and Jacob were the most popular baby names in the country last year. And according to the same report the least popular parent names were Jon and Kate.
A new policy at Columbia University will allow male and female students to live together in co-ed dorm rooms. Female students are afraid the policy could lead to more sex… while male students are afraid the policy could lead to more conversations about their day.
Astronomers in Japan, Germany and the U.S. have discovered a new planet-like object, 50 light years from Earth - called GJ 758 B. Which is a waaaaaay better name for a planet than Uranus.
At the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony last night, President Obama said of honoree Bruce Springsteen, “I’m the President, but he’s the boss.” Apparently he stole the line from some old “Bush-Cheney” stationary he found lying around the White House.
This weekend on CNN, US General James L. Jones gave an update on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden saying, the army doesn’t know exactly where he is but their “best estimate is somewhere in North Waziristan.” -- Ok this is getting ridiculous, now they’re just making up countries!
Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played yesterday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. And the number is even higher if you count all the games he's played in those Wrangler Jeans commercials.
Friday, November 27, 2009
11/25/09
Some new balloons in this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade include updates of some old favorites: There's Mickey Mouse dressed as a sailor, a more muscular-looking Spiderman, and Chaz Bono.
Last night the Obama's welcomed Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to the White House for their first State Dinner. Singh said the evening was much different than the last State Dinner he attended during the Bush administration... mostly because the President didn't refer to him as, "Indiana Jones."
This is crazy. A 13-year-old boy went missing for 11 days, and was found living in the New York City subway system. His parents can't believe it, they said they searched for him everywhere they could think of like... up in his room, down in the basement, in a weather balloon all over CNN...
This is crazy. A 13-year-old boy went missing for 11 days, and was found living in the New York City subway system. The boy said the only thing he remembers was going down into the subway to pee...
Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols who won his third National League MVP award yesterday. That's as many as ARod has... but Pujols did it without being on steroids... or Kate Hudson.
A man in Taiwan was robbed of more than $2 million in cash after he just withdrew it from the bank. That's why whenever I use an ATM in Taiwan - I never, ever select "Fast Cash."
Just days after announcing that she's ending her talk show after 25 years, sources at Harpo say that Oprah will not do her Favorite Things episode this year – which has aired every Thanksgiving week for the past 7 years. Women everywhere are calling the news the second sign of the "Oprah-calypse."
Last night the Obama's welcomed Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to the White House for their first State Dinner. Singh said the evening was much different than the last State Dinner he attended during the Bush administration... mostly because the President didn't refer to him as, "Indiana Jones."
This is crazy. A 13-year-old boy went missing for 11 days, and was found living in the New York City subway system. His parents can't believe it, they said they searched for him everywhere they could think of like... up in his room, down in the basement, in a weather balloon all over CNN...
This is crazy. A 13-year-old boy went missing for 11 days, and was found living in the New York City subway system. The boy said the only thing he remembers was going down into the subway to pee...
Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols who won his third National League MVP award yesterday. That's as many as ARod has... but Pujols did it without being on steroids... or Kate Hudson.
A man in Taiwan was robbed of more than $2 million in cash after he just withdrew it from the bank. That's why whenever I use an ATM in Taiwan - I never, ever select "Fast Cash."
Just days after announcing that she's ending her talk show after 25 years, sources at Harpo say that Oprah will not do her Favorite Things episode this year – which has aired every Thanksgiving week for the past 7 years. Women everywhere are calling the news the second sign of the "Oprah-calypse."
11/24/09
This Thanksgiving over 46 million turkeys in America will be eaten which equates to about 690 million pounds of turkey meat... or as Kirstie Alley calls it: a "Jenny Craig cheat day."
Did you guys know the rumor that Turkey increases tryptophans and makes you tired is a myth? Drowsiness is actually caused by the carbo-heavy sides like potatoes and stuffing... or if you're in the Senate, reading the entire Healthcare Bill.
Here's another Thanksgiving turkey fact for you guys... did you know that white meat has fewer calories and less fat - than dark meat? Yeah, and according to Lou Dobbs the white meat also works harder.
Some new balloons this year in the Macy's Parade: There's an updated Spiderman, Ronald McDonald, the Pillsbury Dough Boy... and Macy's planned to fly a bunch of balloons shaped like the "New Moon Wolfpack" but they worried Sarah Palin would shoot them down.
On Thanksgiving Macy’s is the world’s second-largest consumer of helium. The number one largest helium consumer: Balloon Boy's parents.
This Thanksgiving it's expected that 2.9 million people will travel by car, trains, and buses. It's also predicted that all of those people will arrive before any Northwest passengers do.
President Obama had his first Thanksgiving at the White House yesterday - a Pot Luck dinner hosted by Michelle. Hillary Clinton brought the cranberry sauce, Joe Biden brought the sweet potato casserole, and Tim Geithner brought some M&M's he found in the seat cushions of one of his "Clunkers."
Did you guys see J.Lo's performance at the AMA's this weekend? During her dance routine, she jumped off a platform, slipped and landed on her butt. Don't worry, she's ok... but the stage suffered a concussion.
Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs said in a new interview that he is considering running for President in 2012. If he runs political strategists believe he could be the first candidate to receive 100% of the "Unpopular" vote.
Dobbs said on day one as President, the first thing he'd do is make the White House... even whiter.
Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, said in an interview with NBC this morning that Oprah doesn’t watch TV. Apparently that's Stedmon's job.
There are upwards of 100 balloon handlers per giant balloon in the Macys Parade. Yeah 30 to fly each balloon and the other 70 to call cnn and report a hoax.
President Obama said today that he has made a decision on how many more combat troops soldiers he will send to Afghanistan and will make the announcement... after Thanksgiving. Apparently he's waiting until the precise moment when the Republicans' food coma sets in.
Did you guys know the rumor that Turkey increases tryptophans and makes you tired is a myth? Drowsiness is actually caused by the carbo-heavy sides like potatoes and stuffing... or if you're in the Senate, reading the entire Healthcare Bill.
Here's another Thanksgiving turkey fact for you guys... did you know that white meat has fewer calories and less fat - than dark meat? Yeah, and according to Lou Dobbs the white meat also works harder.
Some new balloons this year in the Macy's Parade: There's an updated Spiderman, Ronald McDonald, the Pillsbury Dough Boy... and Macy's planned to fly a bunch of balloons shaped like the "New Moon Wolfpack" but they worried Sarah Palin would shoot them down.
On Thanksgiving Macy’s is the world’s second-largest consumer of helium. The number one largest helium consumer: Balloon Boy's parents.
This Thanksgiving it's expected that 2.9 million people will travel by car, trains, and buses. It's also predicted that all of those people will arrive before any Northwest passengers do.
President Obama had his first Thanksgiving at the White House yesterday - a Pot Luck dinner hosted by Michelle. Hillary Clinton brought the cranberry sauce, Joe Biden brought the sweet potato casserole, and Tim Geithner brought some M&M's he found in the seat cushions of one of his "Clunkers."
Did you guys see J.Lo's performance at the AMA's this weekend? During her dance routine, she jumped off a platform, slipped and landed on her butt. Don't worry, she's ok... but the stage suffered a concussion.
Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs said in a new interview that he is considering running for President in 2012. If he runs political strategists believe he could be the first candidate to receive 100% of the "Unpopular" vote.
Dobbs said on day one as President, the first thing he'd do is make the White House... even whiter.
Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, said in an interview with NBC this morning that Oprah doesn’t watch TV. Apparently that's Stedmon's job.
There are upwards of 100 balloon handlers per giant balloon in the Macys Parade. Yeah 30 to fly each balloon and the other 70 to call cnn and report a hoax.
President Obama said today that he has made a decision on how many more combat troops soldiers he will send to Afghanistan and will make the announcement... after Thanksgiving. Apparently he's waiting until the precise moment when the Republicans' food coma sets in.
11/23/09
What an opening weekend for "New Moon"! It came in Number 1 at the weekend box office with $140 million and pulled in almost $260 million worldwide. The movie is such a financial success the Democrats are thinking about changing their name to "Team Edward."
This is crazy. Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania are trying to develop LED tattoos that can turn your skin into a screen. Can you imagine that, now you could watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... ON the Real Housewives of New Jersey?!
Michael Jackson’s famous white moonwalk glove sold for $350,000 in an auction on Saturday to a man in Hong Kong. Ironically the winning bidder's name was, "Billy Jin."
A couple in England named their new daughter Kia – after she was delivered in the back seat of their Kia. And for her middle name, the couple chose "Steve" - after the mechanic who towed them to the hospital.
Two people sustained minor injuries when several bulls in Spain escaped from the set of a movie starring Tom Cruise. The bulls almost mauled Cruise but luckily he was able to jump on a couch.
Lincoln University in Philadelphia is facing criticism for requiring its overweight students to take a fitness class in order to receive their degrees. The students are planning to protest... though probably not with a hunger strike.
This is crazy. Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania are trying to develop LED tattoos that can turn your skin into a screen. Can you imagine that, now you could watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... ON the Real Housewives of New Jersey?!
Michael Jackson’s famous white moonwalk glove sold for $350,000 in an auction on Saturday to a man in Hong Kong. Ironically the winning bidder's name was, "Billy Jin."
A couple in England named their new daughter Kia – after she was delivered in the back seat of their Kia. And for her middle name, the couple chose "Steve" - after the mechanic who towed them to the hospital.
Two people sustained minor injuries when several bulls in Spain escaped from the set of a movie starring Tom Cruise. The bulls almost mauled Cruise but luckily he was able to jump on a couch.
Lincoln University in Philadelphia is facing criticism for requiring its overweight students to take a fitness class in order to receive their degrees. The students are planning to protest... though probably not with a hunger strike.
Monday, November 23, 2009
11/20/09
“New Moon” has officially been in theaters for 24 hours now! Just a huge first day for the film: Not only did it beat Batman and Harry Potter’s midnight release box office records with $24 million -- but "Team Edward" beat the Knicks 116-82.
Oprah said goodbye on her show today, announcing that she’s walking away after 25 years on the air. It was an emotional moment… she broke down in tears, then the audience broke down in tears… then she told everyone, “you get a tissue, and you get a tissue, everybody get’s a tissue!”
Her last episode will air on September 9, 2011... Or as the Mayan Calender called it, "The Oprah-calypse".
But she did give her audience something to look forward to. She said, “In season 25, we will knock your socks off.” You know what that means, guys… in season 25 Oprah’s giving away new socks!
In Swine Flu news: The "Organization of Seasonal Santas" - a labor union for mall Santa Clauses - is recommending the Santas not wear the traditional white cotton gloves anymore because cotton tends to absorb germs. You know what else absorbs germs? Long, unkempt bears!
The Union wants the elves to help screen kids "out of the line" who seem sick. Meanwhile mall officials would like the kids to screen out any elves who seem drunk.
Oprah said goodbye on her show today, announcing that she’s walking away after 25 years on the air. It was an emotional moment… she broke down in tears, then the audience broke down in tears… then she told everyone, “you get a tissue, and you get a tissue, everybody get’s a tissue!”
Her last episode will air on September 9, 2011... Or as the Mayan Calender called it, "The Oprah-calypse".
But she did give her audience something to look forward to. She said, “In season 25, we will knock your socks off.” You know what that means, guys… in season 25 Oprah’s giving away new socks!
In Swine Flu news: The "Organization of Seasonal Santas" - a labor union for mall Santa Clauses - is recommending the Santas not wear the traditional white cotton gloves anymore because cotton tends to absorb germs. You know what else absorbs germs? Long, unkempt bears!
The Union wants the elves to help screen kids "out of the line" who seem sick. Meanwhile mall officials would like the kids to screen out any elves who seem drunk.
11/17/08
President Obama reportedly had 71 cars in his motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport to the city. One was his limo, the other 70 were Clunkers.
Sarah Palin’s memoir “Going Rogue” came out today! You can find it on bookshelves next to Levi Johnston's new memoir, "Going Commando."
Thousands of fans camped out to see the stars of “Twilight” walk the red carpet for the premiere of the sequel, “New Moon,” last night. It got so crazy the department of homeland security had to issue a "Nerd Alert."
Doctors in Britain created a new drug described as the “female Viagra” that can boost sexual desire in women. It's called, "Vag-agra" Just like Viagra, it's a little blue pill... but it tastes like chocolate and you take it with a glass of Zinfnadel.
Just like Viagra, it's a little blue pill... but you have to crush it and slip in her drink when she's not looking.
Chaz Bono was on ABC's "Good Morning America" this morning and said: "Gender is between your ears, not between your legs". The segment was brought to you by "Ew Tips"
Online ticket seller Movietickets and Fandango announced today that "New Moon" has the record for most advance ticket sales in Hollywood history. And it's such a hot ticket if you call Moviefone, you'll hear this message, "Thank you for calling Moviefone! For New Moon tickets Press 1!, 2!, 3!, 4!, 5!..."
Today is the 146th anniversary of the The Gettysburg Address by Abraham Lincoln. It's one of the most famous speeches in history... right up there with King's, "I Have a Dream" speech and Sarah Palin's "I Quit" speech.
It's one of the most famous speeches in history... right up there with, Sarah Palin's "I Can See Russia from My Address."
Sarah Palin’s memoir “Going Rogue” came out today! You can find it on bookshelves next to Levi Johnston's new memoir, "Going Commando."
Thousands of fans camped out to see the stars of “Twilight” walk the red carpet for the premiere of the sequel, “New Moon,” last night. It got so crazy the department of homeland security had to issue a "Nerd Alert."
Doctors in Britain created a new drug described as the “female Viagra” that can boost sexual desire in women. It's called, "Vag-agra" Just like Viagra, it's a little blue pill... but it tastes like chocolate and you take it with a glass of Zinfnadel.
Just like Viagra, it's a little blue pill... but you have to crush it and slip in her drink when she's not looking.
Chaz Bono was on ABC's "Good Morning America" this morning and said: "Gender is between your ears, not between your legs". The segment was brought to you by "Ew Tips"
Online ticket seller Movietickets and Fandango announced today that "New Moon" has the record for most advance ticket sales in Hollywood history. And it's such a hot ticket if you call Moviefone, you'll hear this message, "Thank you for calling Moviefone! For New Moon tickets Press 1!, 2!, 3!, 4!, 5!..."
Today is the 146th anniversary of the The Gettysburg Address by Abraham Lincoln. It's one of the most famous speeches in history... right up there with King's, "I Have a Dream" speech and Sarah Palin's "I Quit" speech.
It's one of the most famous speeches in history... right up there with, Sarah Palin's "I Can See Russia from My Address."
11/16/09
During his first official visit to China, President Obama will discuss trade policy, Iran’s nuclear program and human rights with Chinese officials. It's being billed as the first ever, "Chinese Dim-Sum-mit."
President Obama was in Shanghai yesterday, and Beijing today - on his first official visit to China. Meanwhile Joe Biden's doing his part for Chinese Diplomacy too: Yesterday he hit Panda Express - and today he hit PF Chang's.
A cooking student in Colombia created a new “love dessert” made with passion fruit and Viagra. It's the only dessert where you get a "Bon(e) Appetit" after the meal.
In an effort to combat the swine flu, Disney World has installed more than 60 bulk hand sanitizer dispensers. The park also banned Donald Duck from saying any words that start with an, "s."
In an interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow, Sarah Palin says she had no idea her daughter Bristol was sexually active. Apparently she was so unprepared for the conversation - Palin compared it to talking politics with Katie Couric.
President Obama was in Shanghai yesterday, and Beijing today - on his first official visit to China. Meanwhile Joe Biden's doing his part for Chinese Diplomacy too: Yesterday he hit Panda Express - and today he hit PF Chang's.
A cooking student in Colombia created a new “love dessert” made with passion fruit and Viagra. It's the only dessert where you get a "Bon(e) Appetit" after the meal.
In an effort to combat the swine flu, Disney World has installed more than 60 bulk hand sanitizer dispensers. The park also banned Donald Duck from saying any words that start with an, "s."
In an interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow, Sarah Palin says she had no idea her daughter Bristol was sexually active. Apparently she was so unprepared for the conversation - Palin compared it to talking politics with Katie Couric.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
11/13/09
“2012” came out today! It's a movie about the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calendar. Funny, my calendar only predicts 12 straight months of bikini car washes in 2012.
“2012” came out today! The title refers to the year the Mayans predicted the world would end... or as Democrats call it, the year Sarah Palin takes over.
During an interview with “Oprah” – set to air on Monday – Sarah Palin says that Levi Johnston is “part of the family." And according to Playgirl, it's a pretty average-sized part.
A 10-year-old boy in Arkansas refuses to say the pledge of allegiance in school because the U.S. discriminates against gay people. While the rest of his classmates pledge, he quietly recites the theme song to "GLEE."
Scientists in Japan are one step closer to producing a “three parent baby” after they successfully fertilized an egg with two biological mothers. It's the biggest scientific breakthrough in parenting since, "3 Men and a Baby."
This is crazy. Police in Staten Island are searching for two men dressed as Super Mario and Luigi who robbed a cab driver at a gas station. Apparently the floating bricks they usually headbutt for cash were all out of gold coins.
Big news. Costco opened its first store in Manhattan this week! It's great, I bought a can of tuna that's bigger than my apartment!
“2012” came out today! The title refers to the year the Mayans predicted the world would end... or as Democrats call it, the year Sarah Palin takes over.
During an interview with “Oprah” – set to air on Monday – Sarah Palin says that Levi Johnston is “part of the family." And according to Playgirl, it's a pretty average-sized part.
A 10-year-old boy in Arkansas refuses to say the pledge of allegiance in school because the U.S. discriminates against gay people. While the rest of his classmates pledge, he quietly recites the theme song to "GLEE."
Scientists in Japan are one step closer to producing a “three parent baby” after they successfully fertilized an egg with two biological mothers. It's the biggest scientific breakthrough in parenting since, "3 Men and a Baby."
This is crazy. Police in Staten Island are searching for two men dressed as Super Mario and Luigi who robbed a cab driver at a gas station. Apparently the floating bricks they usually headbutt for cash were all out of gold coins.
Big news. Costco opened its first store in Manhattan this week! It's great, I bought a can of tuna that's bigger than my apartment!
Friday, November 13, 2009
11/12/09 - Possible Joke on Fallon
***Lou Dobbs announced last night that he's leaving CNN to pursue, "new opportunities." I think we can rule out Telemundo.***
Lou Dobbs announced last night that he's leaving CNN, effective immediately. Dobbs said after 30 years on TV he was beginning to hit a wall - like the one he built around his studio to keep Mexicans out.
Lou Dobbs announced his resignation from CNN last night after almost 30 years with the network. He said he'll miss the faces in the news room the most... Except the foreign correspondents.
...Dobbs said what he'll miss most everyday are the faces in the newsroom... except for Pablo the lighting guy.
64-year-old Lou Dobbs was the last "original anchor" at CNN from its beginning – he started as the network’s chief economic correspondent… and he ended as the guy in office no one wants to get stuck talking to at the Christmas party.
First Lady Michelle Obama will host a health care event tomorrow at the White House tomorrow focused on older women. It's called the "Medicare In Life Forum" - Or M.I.L.F.
Steven Tyler made a surprise appearance at Joe Perry’s concert in New York this week and announced that he is not leaving Aerosmith. Ok, first he's leaving the band, then he's not leaving the band... you know who he's starting to look like? "Dun-uh, Dun-uh... Dude looks like a Brett Favre... Dun-uh, Dun-uh... Dude looks like Brett Favre!" (Singing)
The asking price for Bernie Madoff’s penthouse on the Upper East Side has dropped by a million dollars. Meanwhile in prison, the price of his lower back side went up by a pack of cigarettes.
A prisoner in Georgia was recaptured by police after he escaped using a flip-flip to unlock his cell door. And you wanna know the craziest part of the story? I had no idea Jimmy Buffet was even in prison.
That Connecticut woman mauled by a chimpanzee back in February revealed her face on “Oprah” yesterday for the first time. It was not a pretty sight but everyone at the show was very supportive... except at one point when the woman asked Oprah if she could be on the cover of "O" magazine, and Oprah was like, "yeeeah, suuuuure... just email me."
The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree arrived today! It’s a 76-foot Norway spruce and was donated by a fifth-grade teacher from Connecticut. She said she wanted to get rid of it because she was tired of all the vampires in her class hanging out in it.
The teacher described Rockefeller Center as a "magical place" where "it doesn't matter what kind of problems you're having." NBC was like, "have u seen our ratings, lady? Yeah real magical!"
Lou Dobbs announced last night that he's leaving CNN, effective immediately. Dobbs said after 30 years on TV he was beginning to hit a wall - like the one he built around his studio to keep Mexicans out.
Lou Dobbs announced his resignation from CNN last night after almost 30 years with the network. He said he'll miss the faces in the news room the most... Except the foreign correspondents.
...Dobbs said what he'll miss most everyday are the faces in the newsroom... except for Pablo the lighting guy.
64-year-old Lou Dobbs was the last "original anchor" at CNN from its beginning – he started as the network’s chief economic correspondent… and he ended as the guy in office no one wants to get stuck talking to at the Christmas party.
First Lady Michelle Obama will host a health care event tomorrow at the White House tomorrow focused on older women. It's called the "Medicare In Life Forum" - Or M.I.L.F.
Steven Tyler made a surprise appearance at Joe Perry’s concert in New York this week and announced that he is not leaving Aerosmith. Ok, first he's leaving the band, then he's not leaving the band... you know who he's starting to look like? "Dun-uh, Dun-uh... Dude looks like a Brett Favre... Dun-uh, Dun-uh... Dude looks like Brett Favre!" (Singing)
The asking price for Bernie Madoff’s penthouse on the Upper East Side has dropped by a million dollars. Meanwhile in prison, the price of his lower back side went up by a pack of cigarettes.
A prisoner in Georgia was recaptured by police after he escaped using a flip-flip to unlock his cell door. And you wanna know the craziest part of the story? I had no idea Jimmy Buffet was even in prison.
That Connecticut woman mauled by a chimpanzee back in February revealed her face on “Oprah” yesterday for the first time. It was not a pretty sight but everyone at the show was very supportive... except at one point when the woman asked Oprah if she could be on the cover of "O" magazine, and Oprah was like, "yeeeah, suuuuure... just email me."
The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree arrived today! It’s a 76-foot Norway spruce and was donated by a fifth-grade teacher from Connecticut. She said she wanted to get rid of it because she was tired of all the vampires in her class hanging out in it.
The teacher described Rockefeller Center as a "magical place" where "it doesn't matter what kind of problems you're having." NBC was like, "have u seen our ratings, lady? Yeah real magical!"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
11/11/09
There’s a new tribute song to astronomer Carl Sagan featuring lyrics spoken by physicist Stephen Hawking. The song is good... but Hawking's auto-tune is so played out.
Starting this week, Google is offering free WiFi at 47 airports in the U.S. for the rest of this year. The airline industry hopes the offer will encourage Northwest Pilots to check their email BEFORE they have to land the plane.
Google is now offering free Wireless Internet service at 47 airports across the U.S. for the rest of the year. It's great for Northwest passengers... next time they see the plane they're supposed to be on whiz right past the airport, they can email the pilots directly.
Huge vampire news: “Twilight” and “True Blood” were the top nominees announced yesterday for the People’s Choice Awards – “Twilight” got 6 and “True Blood” got 3. When Count Chocula heard this he was like, "Hellllo?"
In a new interview “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson said that his “personal hygiene is disgusting” and he rarely changes his clothes. Ok, you know what dude, you can either be the sexiest vampire or the sexiest homeless dude, but you can't be both!
A drunk United Airlines pilot was arrested on Monday as he prepared to fly 124 passengers from London to Chicago. Authorites said his breath smelled like the inside of a miniature bottle of vodka.
Disgraced ex New York Governor Eliot Spitzer - who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes - will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Center for Ethics at Harvard University. That's like having Michael Vick judge the Westminster Dog Show.
A unopened bottle of Lowenbrau beer that survived the explosion and crash of the Hindenburg will be auctioned off this weekend. It's all part of the Antiques Roadshow, "World's Most Skunky Beer" auction series.
Starting this week, Google is offering free WiFi at 47 airports in the U.S. for the rest of this year. The airline industry hopes the offer will encourage Northwest Pilots to check their email BEFORE they have to land the plane.
Google is now offering free Wireless Internet service at 47 airports across the U.S. for the rest of the year. It's great for Northwest passengers... next time they see the plane they're supposed to be on whiz right past the airport, they can email the pilots directly.
Huge vampire news: “Twilight” and “True Blood” were the top nominees announced yesterday for the People’s Choice Awards – “Twilight” got 6 and “True Blood” got 3. When Count Chocula heard this he was like, "Hellllo?"
In a new interview “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson said that his “personal hygiene is disgusting” and he rarely changes his clothes. Ok, you know what dude, you can either be the sexiest vampire or the sexiest homeless dude, but you can't be both!
A drunk United Airlines pilot was arrested on Monday as he prepared to fly 124 passengers from London to Chicago. Authorites said his breath smelled like the inside of a miniature bottle of vodka.
Disgraced ex New York Governor Eliot Spitzer - who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes - will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Center for Ethics at Harvard University. That's like having Michael Vick judge the Westminster Dog Show.
A unopened bottle of Lowenbrau beer that survived the explosion and crash of the Hindenburg will be auctioned off this weekend. It's all part of the Antiques Roadshow, "World's Most Skunky Beer" auction series.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
11/10/09
It's being reported that President Obama is expected to send about 40,000 more troops into combat as part of his new strategy in Afghanistan. And if that doesn't work, he'll send in Mariano Rivera.
Happy 40th Anniversary to Sesame Street! On this day 40 years ago, the first of over 4000 episodes debuted. Not much has changed in 40 years... Big Bird and Oscar the grouch are still played by the same guy, Cookie Monster still loves cookies, and Burt and Ernie are still... you know, "roommates."
Yesterday at the Berlin Wall ceremonies, Hillary Clinton and the German Chancellor were wearing almost identical outfits - Both wore blue jackets, black pants, black shoes – and even wore their hair the same way. When Bill saw this he said, "put the wall back up."
Chrysler is no longer engineering electric cars – even though they were given billions of dollars in federal bailout money to engineer electric cars. Chrysler execs said they'd rather stick with what works: More LeBarons.
Tiffani Thiessen – who played Kelly Kapowski on “Saved By the Bell” – is expecting her first child in May. Then later in the month, Zack and Slater will appear on Maury Povich to determine who the father is.
A junior hockey team in Idaho was banished from a skating rink after team members were caught playing “strip hockey.” The players said they were just trying to find out who on the team has the biggest "Zamboni."
Bill Clinton spoke with Democrats in the Senate today, trying to win support for health care reform. In addition to addressing the entire Democratic caucus, Clinton also set up private meetings with all 13 female Democratic Senators.
What is going on with Women's soccer? First during the New Mexico - BYU playoff game last week,New Mexico's Elizabeth Lambert pulled a member of BYU's team down to the ground by her pony tail -then this weekend a fight broke out at a Rhode Island Girls Soccer game that was so heated it triggered another fight in the stands. Something's gotta be done about all this violence - my suggestion: all the girls kiss and make up.
“Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2” came out today – and is expected to make $500 million in its first week - or roughly how much one day of actual warfare costs.
Modern Warfare 2 is rated "M" - for Mature due to Blood, Drug References, Intense Violence, and Language. It's not be confused with the film rating "Mature" - given to movies with excessive amounts of naked old people.
The woman who wrote all the “Twilight” books, Stephanie Meyer, will do a rare interview on Oprah this Friday. Instead of Oprah's couch, the interview will take place in a tree.
Congratulations to 21-year-old Joe Cada who became the youngest player to win the World Series of Poker - taking home $8.55 million. He loves to gamble so much he already spent all of his winnings on Black Jack Tacos.
Happy 40th Anniversary to Sesame Street! On this day 40 years ago, the first of over 4000 episodes debuted. Not much has changed in 40 years... Big Bird and Oscar the grouch are still played by the same guy, Cookie Monster still loves cookies, and Burt and Ernie are still... you know, "roommates."
Yesterday at the Berlin Wall ceremonies, Hillary Clinton and the German Chancellor were wearing almost identical outfits - Both wore blue jackets, black pants, black shoes – and even wore their hair the same way. When Bill saw this he said, "put the wall back up."
Chrysler is no longer engineering electric cars – even though they were given billions of dollars in federal bailout money to engineer electric cars. Chrysler execs said they'd rather stick with what works: More LeBarons.
Tiffani Thiessen – who played Kelly Kapowski on “Saved By the Bell” – is expecting her first child in May. Then later in the month, Zack and Slater will appear on Maury Povich to determine who the father is.
A junior hockey team in Idaho was banished from a skating rink after team members were caught playing “strip hockey.” The players said they were just trying to find out who on the team has the biggest "Zamboni."
Bill Clinton spoke with Democrats in the Senate today, trying to win support for health care reform. In addition to addressing the entire Democratic caucus, Clinton also set up private meetings with all 13 female Democratic Senators.
What is going on with Women's soccer? First during the New Mexico - BYU playoff game last week,New Mexico's Elizabeth Lambert pulled a member of BYU's team down to the ground by her pony tail -then this weekend a fight broke out at a Rhode Island Girls Soccer game that was so heated it triggered another fight in the stands. Something's gotta be done about all this violence - my suggestion: all the girls kiss and make up.
“Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2” came out today – and is expected to make $500 million in its first week - or roughly how much one day of actual warfare costs.
Modern Warfare 2 is rated "M" - for Mature due to Blood, Drug References, Intense Violence, and Language. It's not be confused with the film rating "Mature" - given to movies with excessive amounts of naked old people.
The woman who wrote all the “Twilight” books, Stephanie Meyer, will do a rare interview on Oprah this Friday. Instead of Oprah's couch, the interview will take place in a tree.
Congratulations to 21-year-old Joe Cada who became the youngest player to win the World Series of Poker - taking home $8.55 million. He loves to gamble so much he already spent all of his winnings on Black Jack Tacos.
Monday, November 9, 2009
11/9/09
In a victory for President Obama, the House passed a health care bill on Saturday night in a 220-215 vote. When the news reached the White House, there were hugs and high-fives all around... and President Obama shared one of those awkward hand shake - fist pounds with Joe Biden.
The health care bill passed on Saturday will provide insurance for 96% of Americans. That leaves just 4% without coverage - which ironically is the same amount of Americans who've received the Swine Flu vaccine so far.
This weekend in Vegas, the World Series of Poker was narrowed down to its final two competitors after four months of play and over 6000 players. Meanwhile in other gambling news: This weekend thousands of Taco Bell customers tried the Black Jack Taco.
Did you guys hear this? Over the weekend Steven Tyler reportedly quit, "Aerosmith." He said he wants to work on some solo material... but others think he's going, "crazy, crazy, baby he's goin' crazy!" (singing)
After 40 years, Steven Tyler is leaving Areosmith. He said he wants to spend more quality time with his elevator.
The other members of the band were like, "he'll be back" and then Tyler was like, "Dream on! Dream on! - DREAM ON! DREAM ON!"
Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, said in an interview with the New York Post that “God is taking her entire career away from her." To clarify he was talking about Lindsay's drug dealer, Jesus. (pronounced: "Hay-zus")
A 68-year-old woman in South Korea finally passed her driving test on her 950th try last week. See that kids, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try... to remember to turn off your blinker.
The NY Giants have now lost four straight games - after winning their first five games of the season. It's gotten so bad Eli Manning just signed an endorsement deal with the Mets.
A guy in Oregon was arrested after he called 911 to report that his marijuana was stolen. Here's how the 911 call went: "911, what's your emergency?" - "Please help me, someone stole all my weed!" - "Ok, sir calm down, where's the last place you saw the marijuana?" - "In my bong... oh my god you guys are good!" -- "Please hold for the police."
Doctors in Britain are now using Botox injections to tighten sagging breasts. It’s great news for ladies who want their breasts to look like Gary Busey.
The health care bill passed on Saturday will provide insurance for 96% of Americans. That leaves just 4% without coverage - which ironically is the same amount of Americans who've received the Swine Flu vaccine so far.
This weekend in Vegas, the World Series of Poker was narrowed down to its final two competitors after four months of play and over 6000 players. Meanwhile in other gambling news: This weekend thousands of Taco Bell customers tried the Black Jack Taco.
Did you guys hear this? Over the weekend Steven Tyler reportedly quit, "Aerosmith." He said he wants to work on some solo material... but others think he's going, "crazy, crazy, baby he's goin' crazy!" (singing)
After 40 years, Steven Tyler is leaving Areosmith. He said he wants to spend more quality time with his elevator.
The other members of the band were like, "he'll be back" and then Tyler was like, "Dream on! Dream on! - DREAM ON! DREAM ON!"
Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, said in an interview with the New York Post that “God is taking her entire career away from her." To clarify he was talking about Lindsay's drug dealer, Jesus. (pronounced: "Hay-zus")
A 68-year-old woman in South Korea finally passed her driving test on her 950th try last week. See that kids, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try... to remember to turn off your blinker.
The NY Giants have now lost four straight games - after winning their first five games of the season. It's gotten so bad Eli Manning just signed an endorsement deal with the Mets.
A guy in Oregon was arrested after he called 911 to report that his marijuana was stolen. Here's how the 911 call went: "911, what's your emergency?" - "Please help me, someone stole all my weed!" - "Ok, sir calm down, where's the last place you saw the marijuana?" - "In my bong... oh my god you guys are good!" -- "Please hold for the police."
Doctors in Britain are now using Botox injections to tighten sagging breasts. It’s great news for ladies who want their breasts to look like Gary Busey.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
11/6/09
Today was the Yankees championship ticker tape parade right here in New York City. In order to attend the festivities, thousands of New Yorkers took the day off... which is really more of a way to honor the Mets.
After the Yankees won the World Series Wednesday night, manager Joe Girardi helped a woman on his way home who had just gotten in a car crash. Girardi removed the woman from the car... and replaced her with Mariano Rivera.
... When Girardi removed the woman from her car, she kicked the dirt, handed him her keys, and sulked all the way back to the ambulance.
The Food Network will tape an episode of “Iron Chef America” at the White House, featuring Emeril Lagasse. Secret Service has already been warned not to tackle him every time he yells, "Bam!"
A man in Washington claims that United Airlines would not let him sit in first-class because he was wearing a tracksuit on the plane. But once officials realized it was Tony Soprano they let him sit in the cockpit with the pilot.
A woman in Minnesota will broadcast the birth of her first child on the Internet. You can watch the birth at "ICanSeeTheFacebook.com"
In an awkward moment, during the ceremony- Yankee fans started chanting "28! 28!" - and then hundreds of chinese food delivery guys showed up like, "Number 28 - Moo Shoo Chicken! - who ordered 28?"
Many are wondering who cleans up the all the left over ticker tape on the ground after the parade... Well, I did some research and found the answer: The Mets.
A new report found that there are 237 millionaires in Congress. Which automatically makes Congress the favorites to challenge the Yankees next year.
After the Yankees won the World Series Wednesday night, manager Joe Girardi helped a woman on his way home who had just gotten in a car crash. Girardi removed the woman from the car... and replaced her with Mariano Rivera.
... When Girardi removed the woman from her car, she kicked the dirt, handed him her keys, and sulked all the way back to the ambulance.
The Food Network will tape an episode of “Iron Chef America” at the White House, featuring Emeril Lagasse. Secret Service has already been warned not to tackle him every time he yells, "Bam!"
A man in Washington claims that United Airlines would not let him sit in first-class because he was wearing a tracksuit on the plane. But once officials realized it was Tony Soprano they let him sit in the cockpit with the pilot.
A woman in Minnesota will broadcast the birth of her first child on the Internet. You can watch the birth at "ICanSeeTheFacebook.com"
In an awkward moment, during the ceremony- Yankee fans started chanting "28! 28!" - and then hundreds of chinese food delivery guys showed up like, "Number 28 - Moo Shoo Chicken! - who ordered 28?"
Many are wondering who cleans up the all the left over ticker tape on the ground after the parade... Well, I did some research and found the answer: The Mets.
A new report found that there are 237 millionaires in Congress. Which automatically makes Congress the favorites to challenge the Yankees next year.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
11/5/09
The Yankees Championship parade is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11 am, right down Broadway... Yankees fans can't wait to see their first parade since 2000... and Broadway fans are just excited to see 25 men riding in the back of a flatbed truck.
Police in Florida are searching for thieves who stole 90 bras from a Victoria’s Secret store. Police say in order to pull off the heist, the thieves must've needed a lot of support.
... Authorities believe the investigation could take years... or at least until the thieves figure out how to unhook all of the bras.
A new study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that married couples become happier when they have kids. Meanwhile single people become happier when they have a bowl of cereal for dinner.
7-Eleven will soon begin selling two low-priced wines... They'll be available in half bottle, full bottle and Big Gulp.
... One's a "Slur-Pinot Noir" and the other's a "Slur-Pinot Grigio".
... Customers can pair each wine with various cured meats preserved for months on a bed lukewarm, metal coils.
In a new interview with British GQ, Nicole Kidman says that she has “explored strange sexual fetish stuff” in the past - Which is just a nice way of saying she had sex with Tom Cruise.
Although the Yankees have now won 27 World Titles - this is only their 9th ticker tape parade. But it's the first where the ticker tape will be made entirely from shredded hundred dollar bills.
Jeremy Piven said in a recent interview he drank so much soy milk that he grew “man boobs.” In fact his boobs got so big Piven was cast as an extra in Entourage.
Police in Florida are searching for thieves who stole 90 bras from a Victoria’s Secret store. Police say in order to pull off the heist, the thieves must've needed a lot of support.
... Authorities believe the investigation could take years... or at least until the thieves figure out how to unhook all of the bras.
A new study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that married couples become happier when they have kids. Meanwhile single people become happier when they have a bowl of cereal for dinner.
7-Eleven will soon begin selling two low-priced wines... They'll be available in half bottle, full bottle and Big Gulp.
... One's a "Slur-Pinot Noir" and the other's a "Slur-Pinot Grigio".
... Customers can pair each wine with various cured meats preserved for months on a bed lukewarm, metal coils.
In a new interview with British GQ, Nicole Kidman says that she has “explored strange sexual fetish stuff” in the past - Which is just a nice way of saying she had sex with Tom Cruise.
Although the Yankees have now won 27 World Titles - this is only their 9th ticker tape parade. But it's the first where the ticker tape will be made entirely from shredded hundred dollar bills.
Jeremy Piven said in a recent interview he drank so much soy milk that he grew “man boobs.” In fact his boobs got so big Piven was cast as an extra in Entourage.
11/4/09
Sesame Street turns 40 this month! Apparently Oscar the Grouch is so depressed about getting old he's already traded in his garbage can for a Ferrari.
The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland – to be completed in about 6 years. The main attraction: "General Tso's Wild Ride."
Happy, happy 40th birthday to Matthew McConaughey! When asked how it feels to turn the big 4-0, he said, "NOT Alright, alright, alright."
The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!" Ugh, all this "who's your daddy" stuff has been going on between Pedro and Yankees since 2004 - can't they just go on Maury Povich and settle it already?
The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!" - And to add more fuel to the fire Page Six is reporting that Pedro's daddy might actually be Jon Gosselin.
... John Edwards.
... Mel Gibson.
The Irish accent has been voted the sexiest in the world. The least sexy: Your boyfriend's Austin Powers impression.
The least sexy: Your boyfriend's Borat impression.
A doctor in New York created a new iPhone app that lets people see what they would look like if they got plastic surgery. It's great, after you use the app 100 times, you look exactly like Joan Rivers.
The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland – to be completed in about 6 years. The main attraction: "General Tso's Wild Ride."
The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland – to be completed in about 6 years. The main attraction: "General Tso's Wild Ride."
Happy, happy 40th birthday to Matthew McConaughey! When asked how it feels to turn the big 4-0, he said, "NOT Alright, alright, alright."
The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!" Ugh, all this "who's your daddy" stuff has been going on between Pedro and Yankees since 2004 - can't they just go on Maury Povich and settle it already?
The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!" - And to add more fuel to the fire Page Six is reporting that Pedro's daddy might actually be Jon Gosselin.
... John Edwards.
... Mel Gibson.
The Irish accent has been voted the sexiest in the world. The least sexy: Your boyfriend's Austin Powers impression.
The least sexy: Your boyfriend's Borat impression.
A doctor in New York created a new iPhone app that lets people see what they would look like if they got plastic surgery. It's great, after you use the app 100 times, you look exactly like Joan Rivers.
The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion Shanghai Disneyland – to be completed in about 6 years. The main attraction: "General Tso's Wild Ride."
Monday, November 2, 2009
11/2/09
Kosovo unveiled a statue of Bill Clinton yesterday to thank him for his humanitarian service to Serbia while he was president. Just like Clinton, the statue is always erect.
Daylight Savings started yesterday – we all got an extra hour of sleep... And then we all lost it by staying up to watch the World Series.
Did you guys hear this? Us Weekly is reporting that Alex Rodriguez has a portrait of himself as a centaur hanging over his bed. From the waist up it's ARod, and from the waist down it's a horse's ass.
“Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” won the weekend box office – with $21.3 million. Despite the title, there's already talk of a sequel... Mostly by plastic surgeons who used to hear, "This Is It" from Jackson all the time.
Sony is extending the original two-week run of “Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” after it made $101 million worldwide in its first five days. So apparently this ISN'T it.
Over the weekend, Abdullah Abdullah quit next week’s runoff election against President Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan. Many are questioning the move since polls showed he was leading Karzai by an Abdullah.
An Italian restaurant in New Hampshire set a new world record by making a 222.5-pound meatball. Or as KFed calls it, "an hors d' oeuvre ."
Happy, happy birthday to Nelly who turned 35 years old yesterday. He actually ruined his own surprise party... he showed up so early, no one was ready when he got "Th'errr."
Last night Jon Gosselin and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach held a public dialogue at a New York Jewish Center where John publicly apologized to Kate. It’s being billed as the “Schmear Summit”
This is interesting - Ford - the only major American auto manufacturer who didn't accept Federal bailout money - turned a one billion dollar profit over the last three months. Ford executives celebrated by taking a couple "Escorts" for a ride.
Harvard University will offer a sociology class based on the HBO show: “The Wire.” The syllabus requires students to purchase all five seasons of the show and a bag of crack from Omar.
It's a much better idea than last semester when they offered an acting class based on, "Entourage."
The class is extremely popular with male students but not so much with female students. They prefer the anotmy class based on, "Hung."
Daylight Savings started yesterday – we all got an extra hour of sleep... And then we all lost it by staying up to watch the World Series.
Did you guys hear this? Us Weekly is reporting that Alex Rodriguez has a portrait of himself as a centaur hanging over his bed. From the waist up it's ARod, and from the waist down it's a horse's ass.
“Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” won the weekend box office – with $21.3 million. Despite the title, there's already talk of a sequel... Mostly by plastic surgeons who used to hear, "This Is It" from Jackson all the time.
Sony is extending the original two-week run of “Michael Jackson’s "This Is It” after it made $101 million worldwide in its first five days. So apparently this ISN'T it.
Over the weekend, Abdullah Abdullah quit next week’s runoff election against President Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan. Many are questioning the move since polls showed he was leading Karzai by an Abdullah.
An Italian restaurant in New Hampshire set a new world record by making a 222.5-pound meatball. Or as KFed calls it, "an hors d' oeuvre ."
Happy, happy birthday to Nelly who turned 35 years old yesterday. He actually ruined his own surprise party... he showed up so early, no one was ready when he got "Th'errr."
Last night Jon Gosselin and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach held a public dialogue at a New York Jewish Center where John publicly apologized to Kate. It’s being billed as the “Schmear Summit”
This is interesting - Ford - the only major American auto manufacturer who didn't accept Federal bailout money - turned a one billion dollar profit over the last three months. Ford executives celebrated by taking a couple "Escorts" for a ride.
Harvard University will offer a sociology class based on the HBO show: “The Wire.” The syllabus requires students to purchase all five seasons of the show and a bag of crack from Omar.
It's a much better idea than last semester when they offered an acting class based on, "Entourage."
The class is extremely popular with male students but not so much with female students. They prefer the anotmy class based on, "Hung."
Friday, October 30, 2009
10/29/09
Jon Gosselin will star in a new reality show where he will date Octomom Nadya Suleman. It'll be called, "Say Yes to the Mess."
Sarah Palin now owns a marketing business involved with “Services for the Elderly." Among the services she provides: Ruining their Presidential campaigns.
The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley. Which is a change from the Bush administration - if you were one of their top donors, Dick Cheney would let you shoot a guy in the face.
John Legend performed the national anthem at Game 2 of the World Series tonight. Then during the 7th inning stretch that "sex for tickets" lady from Philly performed a striptease to, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
The Philadelphia Inquirer is reporting that a local radio station has offered that "sex for tickets" lady tickets to game 3, Saturday in Philly. If she attends, instead of everyone in the stands doing "the wave", everyone gets "the clap."
Did you hear this? The lawyer for that sex for tickets lady in Philly is blaming the whole thing on his client having, "Phillies Fever." So guys, if you sleep with her, remember to always wear a Phillies hat.
Nancy Pelosi officially unveiled the House health care reform bill today – which includes a public option and would cover 36 million uninsured Americans. To celebrate millions of uninsured Americans went out and got hit by a bus.
The new health care reform bill is 1,990 pages long. And as a special favor to opthometrists anyone who reads every page will end up needing glasses.
President Obama’s former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary’s chances of becoming Vice President. Apparently it was Bill's way of getting back at Hillary for ruining his chances with hundreds of interns.
Sarah Palin now owns a marketing business involved with “Services for the Elderly." Among the services she provides: Ruining their Presidential campaigns.
The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley. Which is a change from the Bush administration - if you were one of their top donors, Dick Cheney would let you shoot a guy in the face.
John Legend performed the national anthem at Game 2 of the World Series tonight. Then during the 7th inning stretch that "sex for tickets" lady from Philly performed a striptease to, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
The Philadelphia Inquirer is reporting that a local radio station has offered that "sex for tickets" lady tickets to game 3, Saturday in Philly. If she attends, instead of everyone in the stands doing "the wave", everyone gets "the clap."
Did you hear this? The lawyer for that sex for tickets lady in Philly is blaming the whole thing on his client having, "Phillies Fever." So guys, if you sleep with her, remember to always wear a Phillies hat.
Nancy Pelosi officially unveiled the House health care reform bill today – which includes a public option and would cover 36 million uninsured Americans. To celebrate millions of uninsured Americans went out and got hit by a bus.
The new health care reform bill is 1,990 pages long. And as a special favor to opthometrists anyone who reads every page will end up needing glasses.
President Obama’s former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary’s chances of becoming Vice President. Apparently it was Bill's way of getting back at Hillary for ruining his chances with hundreds of interns.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
10/28/09 Definite Joke on Fallon
***It’s been raining all day here in New York City… The visibility is so bad at LaGuardia, Northwest pilots can't even see their laptops.***
Tennis legend Andre Agassi reveals in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth on a regular basis in the late '90s. The tennis world is in total disbelief... when asked to comment, John McEnroe was like, "You cannot be serious!!!"
Everyone has World Series fever. In fact, a 43-year-old woman from Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Steve Phillips already named her his MVP of the series.
... She would've had better luck looking for tickets on "SlutHub"
“The Discovery Channel” is planning to turn its series, “Man vs. Wild” into a video game for the Nintendo Wii... Just like host, Bear Grylls does in the show, players will have to drink their own Wii.
Earlier this week, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breasts at an awards show – by wearing a low-cut red dress. It's funny, when she arrived you could totally see her bust line... but by the end of the evening, all the lines were totally gone.
A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers... unless you're Nancy Pelosi's daughter - then it just stays frozen the way it is.
A new study found that children under 5 watch more than 32 hours of television a week. If any of the toddlers are watching the show right now, let me just say, "no, no, no, put that down, put that down... stop it, no, take that remote out of your mouth, out of your mouth!... NO! NO!"
Tennis legend Andre Agassi reveals in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth on a regular basis in the late '90s. The tennis world is in total disbelief... when asked to comment, John McEnroe was like, "You cannot be serious!!!"
Everyone has World Series fever. In fact, a 43-year-old woman from Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Steve Phillips already named her his MVP of the series.
... She would've had better luck looking for tickets on "SlutHub"
“The Discovery Channel” is planning to turn its series, “Man vs. Wild” into a video game for the Nintendo Wii... Just like host, Bear Grylls does in the show, players will have to drink their own Wii.
Earlier this week, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breasts at an awards show – by wearing a low-cut red dress. It's funny, when she arrived you could totally see her bust line... but by the end of the evening, all the lines were totally gone.
A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers... unless you're Nancy Pelosi's daughter - then it just stays frozen the way it is.
A new study found that children under 5 watch more than 32 hours of television a week. If any of the toddlers are watching the show right now, let me just say, "no, no, no, put that down, put that down... stop it, no, take that remote out of your mouth, out of your mouth!... NO! NO!"
10/27/09 - Possible Joke on Fallon
***Mark McGwire will come out of retirement to be the hitting coach for his old team, the St. Louis Cardinals, in 2010. The move is just the "shot in the arm" the Cardinals need.***
Iceland is shutting down 3 McDonalds restaurants in Reyjavik because of the country's economic collapse - which means next time you want a burger and fries in Iceland you have to go to "Fjordruckers"
Two Northwest Airlines pilots admitted they were using their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by 150 miles. Luckily the only thing that crashed was Windows.
Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he will most likely run for president in 2012 after he and his wife “assess the field of candidates.” Ewwww I don't want to think about Newt Gingrich and his wife "assessing candidates!"
Jon Gosselin said that he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with his wife Kate. But if I were her, I wouldn't touch that money for a while, who knows where its been?...
A new study found that kids’ cereals have 85% more sugar and 65% less fiber than adult cereals. When asked to comment Tony the Tiger was like, "true but adult cereals are, "GRRRRRRR-oss!"
The World Series starts tomorrow – the Yankees play the Phillies right here at the new Yankee Stadium - and the big news today is that Pedro will start game 2 for the Phils. Wow, Pedro back on the mound vs. the Yanks... Which explains why Don Zimmer's been juicin'.
CNN dropped to last place in the cable news ratings this month. As a result they're shaking up their lineup by replacing Wolf Blitzer with Jay Leno.
Luckily the network has a strategy in place for just such an occasion: "In case of emergency, more Gupta!"
You know those two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their landing by 150 miles? They said yesterday that they were "not sleeping" but got distracted because they were on their laptop computers. Apparently they were trying to figure out the new Facebook.
So next time you're playing World of Warcraft and you see the screenames Pilot225 and CaptainNorthwest, it's probably a good idea NOT to play with them.
Facebook just announced that they will leave your Facebook page up - even if you die. Which is great news for all those sickos out there who like to superpoke dead people.
Iceland is shutting down 3 McDonalds restaurants in Reyjavik because of the country's economic collapse - which means next time you want a burger and fries in Iceland you have to go to "Fjordruckers"
Two Northwest Airlines pilots admitted they were using their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by 150 miles. Luckily the only thing that crashed was Windows.
Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he will most likely run for president in 2012 after he and his wife “assess the field of candidates.” Ewwww I don't want to think about Newt Gingrich and his wife "assessing candidates!"
Jon Gosselin said that he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with his wife Kate. But if I were her, I wouldn't touch that money for a while, who knows where its been?...
A new study found that kids’ cereals have 85% more sugar and 65% less fiber than adult cereals. When asked to comment Tony the Tiger was like, "true but adult cereals are, "GRRRRRRR-oss!"
The World Series starts tomorrow – the Yankees play the Phillies right here at the new Yankee Stadium - and the big news today is that Pedro will start game 2 for the Phils. Wow, Pedro back on the mound vs. the Yanks... Which explains why Don Zimmer's been juicin'.
CNN dropped to last place in the cable news ratings this month. As a result they're shaking up their lineup by replacing Wolf Blitzer with Jay Leno.
Luckily the network has a strategy in place for just such an occasion: "In case of emergency, more Gupta!"
You know those two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their landing by 150 miles? They said yesterday that they were "not sleeping" but got distracted because they were on their laptop computers. Apparently they were trying to figure out the new Facebook.
So next time you're playing World of Warcraft and you see the screenames Pilot225 and CaptainNorthwest, it's probably a good idea NOT to play with them.
Facebook just announced that they will leave your Facebook page up - even if you die. Which is great news for all those sickos out there who like to superpoke dead people.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10/26/09
Halloween is coming up this weekend! I love this time of year... trick or treating, haunted houses, everyone dresses up in crazy costumes... or as Lady Gaga calls it, "business casual."
Large cracks have appeared in the cement ramps at the new Yankees' Stadium but engineers have called them safe. Meanwhile all the Yankees fans were like, "No way! What are you blind?! How can you call them safe?!"
Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. Doctors say he's extremely lucky... not because he could've died, but because he's Brad friggin' Pitt!
A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. As for all the other passengers, next time they'll drive.
Congratulations to Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, who got married yesterday. During the ceremony attendees were told, "if anyone disapproves of the marriage let them speak now or forever hold their piece..." Then the rabbi added, "or wear it on your head... whichever."
Happy happy 63rd birthday to Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. To celebrate he went shopping in his living room... for $82 he took the lamp... for $150 he took the bookshelf, for $400 he took the recliner...
A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. The reviews will use the thumb system: 2 thumbs up for good weed and for really good weed: "whooooaaaa, check it out, I have five thumbs up."
Large cracks have appeared in the cement ramps at the new Yankees' Stadium but engineers have called them safe. Meanwhile all the Yankees fans were like, "No way! What are you blind?! How can you call them safe?!"
Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. Doctors say he's extremely lucky... not because he could've died, but because he's Brad friggin' Pitt!
A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. As for all the other passengers, next time they'll drive.
Congratulations to Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, who got married yesterday. During the ceremony attendees were told, "if anyone disapproves of the marriage let them speak now or forever hold their piece..." Then the rabbi added, "or wear it on your head... whichever."
Happy happy 63rd birthday to Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. To celebrate he went shopping in his living room... for $82 he took the lamp... for $150 he took the bookshelf, for $400 he took the recliner...
A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. The reviews will use the thumb system: 2 thumbs up for good weed and for really good weed: "whooooaaaa, check it out, I have five thumbs up."
Saturday, October 17, 2009
10/16/09
“Miracle on the Hudson” pilot Chesley Sullenberger released his
autobiography this week called “Highest Duty: My Search for What
Really Matters.” Readers can find it in the not-fiction section... and
geese can find it in the horror section.
Meghan McCain is threatening to “pull a Miley” and delete her Twitter
account after she was harassed for posting a racy picture of herself.
She's also threatening to "pull a Billy Ray" and delete the sides of
her hair.
Pamela Anderson will star in a pantomime production of “Aladdin” in
London this Christmas. She'll play the Geanie... and the lamp will be
played by a bottle of Valtrex.
Beginning in July, telecommunication companies in Finland will be
required to provide all 5.2 million citizens with an Internet
connection. Meanwhile, most Americans can't even get access to WebMD.
A woman in Australia divorced her husband after he asked her to choose
between him and her pet crocodile. What a "croc-sucker."
TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract after he appeared on
rival networks’ programs instead of on “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” This guy
is a piece of work, not only did he cheat on Kate, he also cheated on
TLC.
In Ohio, a woman was arrested for starting a riot in a store when she
announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchase
- but then drove off without paying. apparently it was all a huge
misunderstanding... The woman tried to pay but the store doesn't
accept giant checks.
... Apparently she was pledging a fraternity.
Did anyone see the “balloon boy” – Falcon Heene – on TV this morning?
He threw up two times – once on the “Today” show and once on “Good
Morning America.” You know, if I wanted to wake up to someone barfing
all over my TV in the morning... I'd go back to college.
autobiography this week called “Highest Duty: My Search for What
Really Matters.” Readers can find it in the not-fiction section... and
geese can find it in the horror section.
Meghan McCain is threatening to “pull a Miley” and delete her Twitter
account after she was harassed for posting a racy picture of herself.
She's also threatening to "pull a Billy Ray" and delete the sides of
her hair.
Pamela Anderson will star in a pantomime production of “Aladdin” in
London this Christmas. She'll play the Geanie... and the lamp will be
played by a bottle of Valtrex.
Beginning in July, telecommunication companies in Finland will be
required to provide all 5.2 million citizens with an Internet
connection. Meanwhile, most Americans can't even get access to WebMD.
A woman in Australia divorced her husband after he asked her to choose
between him and her pet crocodile. What a "croc-sucker."
TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract after he appeared on
rival networks’ programs instead of on “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” This guy
is a piece of work, not only did he cheat on Kate, he also cheated on
TLC.
In Ohio, a woman was arrested for starting a riot in a store when she
announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchase
- but then drove off without paying. apparently it was all a huge
misunderstanding... The woman tried to pay but the store doesn't
accept giant checks.
... Apparently she was pledging a fraternity.
Did anyone see the “balloon boy” – Falcon Heene – on TV this morning?
He threw up two times – once on the “Today” show and once on “Good
Morning America.” You know, if I wanted to wake up to someone barfing
all over my TV in the morning... I'd go back to college.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
10/15/09 - ANOTHER POSSIBLE JOKE ON FALLON
***President Obama wants to send a 250 dollar check to over 57 million American seniors. When asked what the moneys for Obama said, "Depends."***
(How it aired) ... "when asked what they'll spend it on, several seniors said, "Depends."
Evander Holyfield and the man who bit off his right ear during a boxing match, Mike Tyson, will appear together on Oprah tomorrow. Its being billed as the "Ear Summit"
(How it aired) ... "when asked what they'll spend it on, several seniors said, "Depends."
Evander Holyfield and the man who bit off his right ear during a boxing match, Mike Tyson, will appear together on Oprah tomorrow. Its being billed as the "Ear Summit"
10/14/09
Car sales have dropped 1.5% since the halt of the Cash for Clunkers
program. The numbers are not only proof of the program's success but
they lead many in the auto industry to believe that President Obama
could win the Nobel Prize for selling cars.
Researchers in London have proven that William Shakespeare co-wrote at
least one play, “The Reign of King Edward III,” with the help of
playwright Thomas Kyd - or as your English teacher will try to refer
to him, "he's like the Timbaland of the 17th Century."
A bank in Holland is selling a mood bracelet that keeps investors from
being greedy by alerting traders when they are getting overly
emotional. Also on sale at the bank, mood brownies.
Researchers in Italy discovered a new Leonardo da Vinci painting after
analyzing a smudged fingerprint. But upon further review - turns out
it was actually painted by Paul Anka.
The Pentagon acknowledged that it is working on a 15-ton bomb,
designed to destroy hidden weapons bunkers like the ones found in Iran
and North Korea. But that's all they'll say right now about "Operation
K-Fed."
More than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding
ceremony today - which was followed by a mass wedding reception where
everyone had to sit thru 40,000 drunk Best Man speeches.
Because they run so quietly - new Hybrid and electric cars are adding "artificial engine noises" - so pedestrians can hear them approaching. The most requested "car tone" thus far: "aaahhhh-ooooo-gah!"
program. The numbers are not only proof of the program's success but
they lead many in the auto industry to believe that President Obama
could win the Nobel Prize for selling cars.
Researchers in London have proven that William Shakespeare co-wrote at
least one play, “The Reign of King Edward III,” with the help of
playwright Thomas Kyd - or as your English teacher will try to refer
to him, "he's like the Timbaland of the 17th Century."
A bank in Holland is selling a mood bracelet that keeps investors from
being greedy by alerting traders when they are getting overly
emotional. Also on sale at the bank, mood brownies.
Researchers in Italy discovered a new Leonardo da Vinci painting after
analyzing a smudged fingerprint. But upon further review - turns out
it was actually painted by Paul Anka.
The Pentagon acknowledged that it is working on a 15-ton bomb,
designed to destroy hidden weapons bunkers like the ones found in Iran
and North Korea. But that's all they'll say right now about "Operation
K-Fed."
More than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding
ceremony today - which was followed by a mass wedding reception where
everyone had to sit thru 40,000 drunk Best Man speeches.
Because they run so quietly - new Hybrid and electric cars are adding "artificial engine noises" - so pedestrians can hear them approaching. The most requested "car tone" thus far: "aaahhhh-ooooo-gah!"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
10/13/09 - 4th Night in 6 Days w/ a joke on Fallon
***Jon Gosselin says he is having so much fun with his Jewish girlfriend
Hailey Glassman that he is now consulting a rabbi and considering
converting to Judaism. He's so excited to be Jewish he's already be
seen wearing an Ed Hardy yarmulke.***
The oldest cab driver in New York, Jack "the Hack" Dym is retiring at
age 82. He said he wants to spend more time with that a-hole who just
cut him off.
Did you guys see MIke Tyson on Oprah yesterday? The interview was very
emotional, Tyson at one point broke down in tears and said, "I'm tired
of failing." Then Rush Limbaugh stood up and applauded.
... In true Oprah fashion every member of the studio audience went
home with a face tattoo.
Happy, happy 29th birthday to singer Ashanti. At her party, when the
cake was served, she made a wish, then Ja Rule blew out the candles.
Researchers at the University of Utah created a new device that can
see through walls using radio receivers. Utah residents tested the
device and said it's perfect for spying on your neighbors or your
spouse... or your other spouse.
Hailey Glassman that he is now consulting a rabbi and considering
converting to Judaism. He's so excited to be Jewish he's already be
seen wearing an Ed Hardy yarmulke.***
The oldest cab driver in New York, Jack "the Hack" Dym is retiring at
age 82. He said he wants to spend more time with that a-hole who just
cut him off.
Did you guys see MIke Tyson on Oprah yesterday? The interview was very
emotional, Tyson at one point broke down in tears and said, "I'm tired
of failing." Then Rush Limbaugh stood up and applauded.
... In true Oprah fashion every member of the studio audience went
home with a face tattoo.
Happy, happy 29th birthday to singer Ashanti. At her party, when the
cake was served, she made a wish, then Ja Rule blew out the candles.
Researchers at the University of Utah created a new device that can
see through walls using radio receivers. Utah residents tested the
device and said it's perfect for spying on your neighbors or your
spouse... or your other spouse.
10/12/09
Happy Columbus Day! It's the celebration of Christopher Columbus's discovery of America - although Glen Beck denies it every happened.
Pope Benedict canonized five new saints yesterday – including Hawaii’s first saint, Father Damien De Veuster. He celebrated by NOT getting laid.
The movie “Couples Retreat” came in Number 1 at the box office this weekend with $35.3 million. The movie takes place in a remote office in the Ed Sullivan Theatre.
A 7-year-old boy in Britain brought his 1-ton bull to “bring your pet to school” day. Or as we call it here in the states, "Show and Smell."
Over the weekend, Courtney Love closed her official Twitter account. Apparently it was infected with a virus.
This was in yesterday’s New York Times – apparently people in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to President Obama’s speeches - which explains why I had this conversation last night while ordering dinner: "Can you make my California Roll without avocado?" - "Yes... we can!"
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, an openly gay member ofCongress, said that the "National Equality March" in Washington
yesterday was "a waste of time." Harsh. Sounds like someone washoping for another Million Man March.
Rob Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's "Celebrity
Apprentice" this fall. Not making an appearance on the show: Both oftheir foreheads.
This is interesting - NBC News reported that a White House advisersaid that bloggers who are critical of the Obama administration - "need to take off their pajamas". This doesn't apply to Rush Limbaughdoes it? 'Cause that would just be gross.
The New York Yankees swept the Minnesota Twins last night to advance to the American League Championship Series against the Anaheim Angels. Meanwhile a janitor swept the New York Mets locker room.
The T-Mobile admitted Saturday that a massive server meltdown recentlyhas probably permantely deleted many users' personal e-mails, contacts, and calandars - probably forever. In a last ditch effort totry to find them, NASA bombed the T-Mobile headquarters
Pope Benedict canonized five new saints yesterday – including Hawaii’s first saint, Father Damien De Veuster. He celebrated by NOT getting laid.
The movie “Couples Retreat” came in Number 1 at the box office this weekend with $35.3 million. The movie takes place in a remote office in the Ed Sullivan Theatre.
A 7-year-old boy in Britain brought his 1-ton bull to “bring your pet to school” day. Or as we call it here in the states, "Show and Smell."
Over the weekend, Courtney Love closed her official Twitter account. Apparently it was infected with a virus.
This was in yesterday’s New York Times – apparently people in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to President Obama’s speeches - which explains why I had this conversation last night while ordering dinner: "Can you make my California Roll without avocado?" - "Yes... we can!"
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, an openly gay member ofCongress, said that the "National Equality March" in Washington
yesterday was "a waste of time." Harsh. Sounds like someone washoping for another Million Man March.
Rob Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's "Celebrity
Apprentice" this fall. Not making an appearance on the show: Both oftheir foreheads.
This is interesting - NBC News reported that a White House advisersaid that bloggers who are critical of the Obama administration - "need to take off their pajamas". This doesn't apply to Rush Limbaughdoes it? 'Cause that would just be gross.
The New York Yankees swept the Minnesota Twins last night to advance to the American League Championship Series against the Anaheim Angels. Meanwhile a janitor swept the New York Mets locker room.
The T-Mobile admitted Saturday that a massive server meltdown recentlyhas probably permantely deleted many users' personal e-mails, contacts, and calandars - probably forever. In a last ditch effort totry to find them, NASA bombed the T-Mobile headquarters
Thursday, October 8, 2009
10/8/09 - 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW W/ A JOKE ON FALLON
***A new poll found that “Whatever” is the most annoying word used in conversation. The next four words on the list were, "Jon," "Kate," "Plus," and "Eight." ***
You hear about this? No more "Phone-a-Friend" on "Who Wants to be a Millioniare." Yeah now contestants are left with only three lifelines: ‘Ask the Audience,’ ‘Ask the Expert’ or... "Extort Letterman."
Kevin Federline’s former landlord is demanding that he repay more than $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages on the home he leased in California. Apparently when KFed moved out, he never paid to have the side of his house put back on.
Jon Gosselin claims that Kate is trying to prevent him from seeing his twins, Mady and Cara, today on their 9th birthday. Apparently Kate asked the twins if they wanted to see their father and they said, "not until he gives back the money he stole from our piggy banks."
Today is the 138th anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire. Unfortunately Chicago lost the commemoration ceremony to Rio.
Guy Ritchie says in a new interview with Esquire magazine that he still loves his ex-wife Madonna “but she’s retarded, too.” It sounds terrible until you realize that "retarded" is just British slang for "way too muscular."
The U.S. deficit set a new record this fiscal year - it's 1.4 TRILLION dollars - The largest in American History. Just to give you an indication how heavy into debt we are... economists are calling it the KFed of deficits.
Well, NASA is T-minus one day from launching a Centaur rocket into a crater on the moon tomorrow morning - to see if there's any water there. If successful Obama plans to ask NASA to launch a follow up rocket to the moon to see if there's any money.
If NASA does find water on the moon, this is what we could hear: "That's one small step for man... one giant CANNONBALL! for mankind."
You hear about this? No more "Phone-a-Friend" on "Who Wants to be a Millioniare." Yeah now contestants are left with only three lifelines: ‘Ask the Audience,’ ‘Ask the Expert’ or... "Extort Letterman."
Kevin Federline’s former landlord is demanding that he repay more than $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages on the home he leased in California. Apparently when KFed moved out, he never paid to have the side of his house put back on.
Jon Gosselin claims that Kate is trying to prevent him from seeing his twins, Mady and Cara, today on their 9th birthday. Apparently Kate asked the twins if they wanted to see their father and they said, "not until he gives back the money he stole from our piggy banks."
Today is the 138th anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire. Unfortunately Chicago lost the commemoration ceremony to Rio.
Guy Ritchie says in a new interview with Esquire magazine that he still loves his ex-wife Madonna “but she’s retarded, too.” It sounds terrible until you realize that "retarded" is just British slang for "way too muscular."
The U.S. deficit set a new record this fiscal year - it's 1.4 TRILLION dollars - The largest in American History. Just to give you an indication how heavy into debt we are... economists are calling it the KFed of deficits.
Well, NASA is T-minus one day from launching a Centaur rocket into a crater on the moon tomorrow morning - to see if there's any water there. If successful Obama plans to ask NASA to launch a follow up rocket to the moon to see if there's any money.
If NASA does find water on the moon, this is what we could hear: "That's one small step for man... one giant CANNONBALL! for mankind."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
10/7/09 - MORE (Possible) JOKES ON FALLON!!!
***Today marks the 8th anniversary of the start of the war in
Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne-boarding himself.***
***Congratulations to Brett Favre, who – on Monday night – became the
first quarterback in history to beat all 32 NFL teams. The next record
on his list, first QB to retire from all 32 NFL teams.***
Happy 33rd Birthday to former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Wow,
33, he doesn't look a day over 60.
Scientists believe the Komodo dragon – the world’s largest lizard –
originated from Australia. Apparently the species started leaving when
Dingos kept eating their babies.
Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually
buy entire countries and our very own Mayor Michael Bloomberg could
buy Zambia for $17.5 billion. Bloomberg said that's ridiculous - if he
was going to spend that much money, he'd rather just buy Yankee
playoff tickets.
Heidi Klum filed paperwork to legally take her husband Seal’s last
name. So for now on Heidi Klum will be known as... Heidi.
NASA announced that it will crash a rocket into the moon this Friday
morning - hoping to see if there's any water. To ensure a crash, NASA
hired Paris Hilton to parallel park the rocket on the moon.
The energy of the collision is roughly equivalent to two tons of TNT -
or one KFed.
Elizabeth Taylor asked her followers on Twitter yesterday to pray for
her when she undergoes heart surgery later this week. I retweetwed her
message to @God. So she should be fine.
After losing to the Twins last night - the Detroit Tigers became the
first team in baseball history to blow a three-game lead in the
standings - with just four games remaining. The Mets were like, "Psst
big deal, like we couldn't do that?"
The swine flu vaccine is here! The first batches just arrived in New
York yesterday. Unfortunately they're still taxying on the runway at
LaGuardia.
Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne-boarding himself.***
***Congratulations to Brett Favre, who – on Monday night – became the
first quarterback in history to beat all 32 NFL teams. The next record
on his list, first QB to retire from all 32 NFL teams.***
Happy 33rd Birthday to former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Wow,
33, he doesn't look a day over 60.
Scientists believe the Komodo dragon – the world’s largest lizard –
originated from Australia. Apparently the species started leaving when
Dingos kept eating their babies.
Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually
buy entire countries and our very own Mayor Michael Bloomberg could
buy Zambia for $17.5 billion. Bloomberg said that's ridiculous - if he
was going to spend that much money, he'd rather just buy Yankee
playoff tickets.
Heidi Klum filed paperwork to legally take her husband Seal’s last
name. So for now on Heidi Klum will be known as... Heidi.
NASA announced that it will crash a rocket into the moon this Friday
morning - hoping to see if there's any water. To ensure a crash, NASA
hired Paris Hilton to parallel park the rocket on the moon.
The energy of the collision is roughly equivalent to two tons of TNT -
or one KFed.
Elizabeth Taylor asked her followers on Twitter yesterday to pray for
her when she undergoes heart surgery later this week. I retweetwed her
message to @God. So she should be fine.
After losing to the Twins last night - the Detroit Tigers became the
first team in baseball history to blow a three-game lead in the
standings - with just four games remaining. The Mets were like, "Psst
big deal, like we couldn't do that?"
The swine flu vaccine is here! The first batches just arrived in New
York yesterday. Unfortunately they're still taxying on the runway at
LaGuardia.
10/6/09 - LATEST JOKE ON FALLON
***Catholic churches throughout New York are no longer offering wine at communion to prevent the spread of swine flu. In addition, communion wafer is now available in a nasal spray.***
... In addition, no more confession booths, now if you need to confess your sins, you have to do it into your elbow.
Comedian and host of "The Price is Right" Drew Carey offered $100,000to a Twitter user in exchange for the name “@Drew.” UnfortunatelyCarey was outbid for the name by someone who offered $100,001.
Norway topped the U.N.’s annual quality-of-life list this year –followed by Australia, then Iceland. Last on the list: Quaddafi's tent.
New research has uncovered seven new species of glow-in-the-dark mushrooms in South America - which explains how Rio got the Olympics.
A woman in Alabama was arrested after she let her 13-year-old daughterride in a cardboard box on top of their van. The daughter said she got the idea from watching the movie, "Homeless Teen Wolf".
A Palestinian man paid $140 to name a street in the West Bank after his Twitter account – the first street in the world to be named aftera Twitter account. Here's the strange part, the street name is more than 140 characters long.
A man in Florida was arrested this weekend for robbing a bank just two days after he was released from a 2-year jail sentence. He said he had no choice, it was either that or try to extort Letterman.
President Obama told a group of 150 doctors at the White House yesterday that the country has heard all sides of the health care debate and the time to act is now. The doctors agreed... then asked Obama to have a seat in the Oval Office and fill out some paperwork.
Happy 54th birthday to former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy. His former players planned to throw him a surprise party but at the last second, Peyton Manning changed it to a pool party.
The Daily Beast ranked "America's smartest cities" - from 1- 55. Raleigh-Durham came in #1, New York came in #13, and in a surprise upset Chicago lost to Rio.
... In addition, no more confession booths, now if you need to confess your sins, you have to do it into your elbow.
Comedian and host of "The Price is Right" Drew Carey offered $100,000to a Twitter user in exchange for the name “@Drew.” UnfortunatelyCarey was outbid for the name by someone who offered $100,001.
Norway topped the U.N.’s annual quality-of-life list this year –followed by Australia, then Iceland. Last on the list: Quaddafi's tent.
New research has uncovered seven new species of glow-in-the-dark mushrooms in South America - which explains how Rio got the Olympics.
A woman in Alabama was arrested after she let her 13-year-old daughterride in a cardboard box on top of their van. The daughter said she got the idea from watching the movie, "Homeless Teen Wolf".
A Palestinian man paid $140 to name a street in the West Bank after his Twitter account – the first street in the world to be named aftera Twitter account. Here's the strange part, the street name is more than 140 characters long.
A man in Florida was arrested this weekend for robbing a bank just two days after he was released from a 2-year jail sentence. He said he had no choice, it was either that or try to extort Letterman.
President Obama told a group of 150 doctors at the White House yesterday that the country has heard all sides of the health care debate and the time to act is now. The doctors agreed... then asked Obama to have a seat in the Oval Office and fill out some paperwork.
Happy 54th birthday to former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy. His former players planned to throw him a surprise party but at the last second, Peyton Manning changed it to a pool party.
The Daily Beast ranked "America's smartest cities" - from 1- 55. Raleigh-Durham came in #1, New York came in #13, and in a surprise upset Chicago lost to Rio.
Monday, October 5, 2009
10/5/09
Congratulations to President and Michelle Obama, who celebrated their
17th wedding anniversary on Saturday with dinner at the Blue Duck
Tavern in Washington, D.C. The President is so romantic, after dinner
he arranged for a special dessert to be delivered to their table...
unfortunately Rio got it.
Police in Colorado arrested a man for standing naked on highway 34 and
pounding on passing cars. He was charged with "cock-blocking traffic."
The Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam has started airing the only
known video ever taken of her on its YouTube site. The video shows a
young Anne Frank in the window of her house watching a cat play the
piano.
A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a
woman’s car during their first date. When the judge asked for an
explanation, the man admitted - he's just not that into his car.
A new insurance survey found that nearly half a million car accidents
each year are caused by female drivers applying make up - which
explains why Nancy Pelosi is switching to Geico.
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was "Zombieland" -
pulling in 25 million dollars. It's the best thing to happen to
zombies since Amy Winehouse and Blake got back together.
Kate Gosselin went on the Today Show this morning and said that Jon
withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account – leaving her only
$1,300. Jon Gosselin said he needed the money because the price of Ed
Hardy t shirts went up.
... Jon Gosselin said he had no choice, if he didn't withdraw the
money, he would've had to extort Letterman.
McDonald’s is opening a restaurant at the Louvre museum in Paris.
Supporters say the McDonald's won't have an affect on any of the
priceless art in the museum... except now instead of smiling, the Mona
Lisa will just look bloated.
New research found that children who eat a lot of candy tend to become
violent adults. They also tend to become fat adults.
... The study also concluded that the childrens' parents are real Dum Dums.
... Which means that kid in Willy Wonka with the Golden ticket... he's
probably in prison.
17th wedding anniversary on Saturday with dinner at the Blue Duck
Tavern in Washington, D.C. The President is so romantic, after dinner
he arranged for a special dessert to be delivered to their table...
unfortunately Rio got it.
Police in Colorado arrested a man for standing naked on highway 34 and
pounding on passing cars. He was charged with "cock-blocking traffic."
The Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam has started airing the only
known video ever taken of her on its YouTube site. The video shows a
young Anne Frank in the window of her house watching a cat play the
piano.
A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a
woman’s car during their first date. When the judge asked for an
explanation, the man admitted - he's just not that into his car.
A new insurance survey found that nearly half a million car accidents
each year are caused by female drivers applying make up - which
explains why Nancy Pelosi is switching to Geico.
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was "Zombieland" -
pulling in 25 million dollars. It's the best thing to happen to
zombies since Amy Winehouse and Blake got back together.
Kate Gosselin went on the Today Show this morning and said that Jon
withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account – leaving her only
$1,300. Jon Gosselin said he needed the money because the price of Ed
Hardy t shirts went up.
... Jon Gosselin said he had no choice, if he didn't withdraw the
money, he would've had to extort Letterman.
McDonald’s is opening a restaurant at the Louvre museum in Paris.
Supporters say the McDonald's won't have an affect on any of the
priceless art in the museum... except now instead of smiling, the Mona
Lisa will just look bloated.
New research found that children who eat a lot of candy tend to become
violent adults. They also tend to become fat adults.
... The study also concluded that the childrens' parents are real Dum Dums.
... Which means that kid in Willy Wonka with the Golden ticket... he's
probably in prison.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
10/2/09
Pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger navigated his first flight Thursday, nine months after his "Miracle on the Hudson" landing... Or as it's known among geese: 9/11.
Michael Moore's new documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story" comes out
this weekend. You can catch it playing on thousands of screens across
the country... or on Michael's Moore's back. Whichever...
The Halloween movie season kicks off this weekend with the release of
the new film, Zombieland - or as it's more commonly known: "Larry King
Live."
... or as it's more commonly known: "60 Minutes."
Archaeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the oldest human skeleton –
a 110-pound female who lived 4.4 million years ago. They classified
her in a new genus, "Nicol-ithecus-Richie-cus".
Happy 58th Birthday to rock n' roll legend, Sting! He said he never
imagined what a 58-year-old Sting would feel like... but now he
feels it every time he pees.
Happy 58th birthday to rock n' roll legend Sting! He celebrated by having 24 straight hours of birthday cake... Without blowing out the candles.
Michael Moore's new documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story" comes out
this weekend. You can catch it playing on thousands of screens across
the country... or on Michael's Moore's back. Whichever...
The Halloween movie season kicks off this weekend with the release of
the new film, Zombieland - or as it's more commonly known: "Larry King
Live."
... or as it's more commonly known: "60 Minutes."
Archaeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the oldest human skeleton –
a 110-pound female who lived 4.4 million years ago. They classified
her in a new genus, "Nicol-ithecus-Richie-cus".
Happy 58th Birthday to rock n' roll legend, Sting! He said he never
imagined what a 58-year-old Sting would feel like... but now he
feels it every time he pees.
Happy 58th birthday to rock n' roll legend Sting! He celebrated by having 24 straight hours of birthday cake... Without blowing out the candles.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
10/1/09
President Obama's in Europe today. He made a stop in Geneva for the first one-on-one talks between the US and Iran since 1979. Then he traveled to Copenhagen where he met up with Michelle Obama and Oprah - for the first ever meeting of three black people in Copenhagen.
GM announced yesterday that it is shutting down its Saturn brand. With Saturns off the market it instantly gives the vehicles classic car status... like Datsuns.
The move makes way for GM's newer, cheaper brand of vehicles... Uranus.
GM announced yesterday that it is shutting down its Saturn brand. With Saturns off the market it instantly gives the vehicles classic car status... like Datsuns.
The move makes way for GM's newer, cheaper brand of vehicles... Uranus.
9/30/09
Today, President Obama announced $5 billion in government grants for scientists - calling it the “single largest boost to biomedical research in history.” - that is, besides Michael Jackson's autopsy.
Support for the "Obamacare" plan hit a new low this week - just 41%. Meanwhile, people are rallying around the Republican healthcare plan entitled: "We Don't Care"
Before going to Copenhagan to lobby for the city of Chicago to get the 2016 Olympic Games - President Obama will briefly stop off in Geneva to hold talks with Iranian officials about their unauthorized nuclear weapons program - which is nothing compared to Switzerland's unauthorized weapons program: the Swiss Army Knife.
CNN introduced an iPhone app yesterday that will give users a constant stream of updates for $1.99 a week. And for an additional $1.99, users can have hot, steamy conversation with Larry King.
Hugo Chavez and Moammar Qaddafi signed a document on Monday calling for a new global definition of terrorism. Chavez & Qaddafi are officially the new Merriam & Webster.
Spencer Pratt’s sister, Stephanie, wants to leave “The Hills” saying “it is very brutal” and that she can’t stand it anymore. Ugh I know, all the drama, the backstabbing... the lines she has to memorize... brutal.
Pharmacies here in New York will offer free swine flu shots to the unemployed. Which is great news for anyone who played for the Mets this season.
Happy 52nd birthday to Fran Drescher! She celebrated with family and friends... all trying NOT to make her laugh.
Happy 45th birthday to Trey Anastasio from Phish. His friends serenaded him with a 90-minute version of Happy Birthday.
Weather forecasters predict that the Northeastern United States will have its coldest winter in a decade because of a weak El Niño. Which means here in New York Donald Trump's gonna need a few extra layers of that thing on top of his head.
Yankee Stadium is expected to host a college football bowl game in 2010 – with teams from the Big East and Big 12 conferences. If you can't afford tickets to see your school play, don't worry, student loans will be available.
Support for the "Obamacare" plan hit a new low this week - just 41%. Meanwhile, people are rallying around the Republican healthcare plan entitled: "We Don't Care"
Before going to Copenhagan to lobby for the city of Chicago to get the 2016 Olympic Games - President Obama will briefly stop off in Geneva to hold talks with Iranian officials about their unauthorized nuclear weapons program - which is nothing compared to Switzerland's unauthorized weapons program: the Swiss Army Knife.
CNN introduced an iPhone app yesterday that will give users a constant stream of updates for $1.99 a week. And for an additional $1.99, users can have hot, steamy conversation with Larry King.
Hugo Chavez and Moammar Qaddafi signed a document on Monday calling for a new global definition of terrorism. Chavez & Qaddafi are officially the new Merriam & Webster.
Spencer Pratt’s sister, Stephanie, wants to leave “The Hills” saying “it is very brutal” and that she can’t stand it anymore. Ugh I know, all the drama, the backstabbing... the lines she has to memorize... brutal.
Pharmacies here in New York will offer free swine flu shots to the unemployed. Which is great news for anyone who played for the Mets this season.
Happy 52nd birthday to Fran Drescher! She celebrated with family and friends... all trying NOT to make her laugh.
Happy 45th birthday to Trey Anastasio from Phish. His friends serenaded him with a 90-minute version of Happy Birthday.
Weather forecasters predict that the Northeastern United States will have its coldest winter in a decade because of a weak El Niño. Which means here in New York Donald Trump's gonna need a few extra layers of that thing on top of his head.
Yankee Stadium is expected to host a college football bowl game in 2010 – with teams from the Big East and Big 12 conferences. If you can't afford tickets to see your school play, don't worry, student loans will be available.
9/29/09
Miners in South Africa discovered a 507-carat diamond this week – one of the 20 largest rough diamonds ever found. Kobe Bryant immediately bought it and gave it to his wife... just in case.
Russian chess master Garry Kasparov handily defeated Anatoli Karpov (9 to 3) in a rematch commemorating the 25th anniversary of their epic first duel in 1984. I'm sure we all remember what we were doing that day 25 years ago... Not watching chess.
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. No word on how the change will affect the free toaster giveaways.
... Despite the possible change the World Bank will still keep all of its pens attached to chains.
Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and as of November 2, the TLC show will be called “Kate Plus 8.” Also the part of Kate will now be played by Kathy Lee Gifford.
It will follow TLC's other big hit "Kirstie plus 250"
President Obama will travel to Copenhagen on Thursday to make a pitch for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. He'll speak before the International Olympic Commitee and then appear on every TV show in Denmark.
A woman in Oklahoma was arrested after her 14-year-old son told police he was locked inside a bedroom closet for years. Now that he's out of the closet the boy plans to be your! Next! American! Idol!
Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst announced on Twitter yesterday that he and his wife, Esther, are splitting up after 2 months of marriage. Apparently he did it all for the Nookie.
Taliban insurgents threatened to bomb Oktoberfest in Munich if Germany does not leave Afghanistan. Yeah, that's a good idea, attack thousands of drunk German people.
I don't know what the Taliban is thinking... if they really want Germany to leave Afghanistan they just have to ask in a way Germans would understand like, "Ok Germany, closing time! You don't have to go home but you gotta get the hell out of heeeeeeee-aaaaaaah!"
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Meanwhile Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke says that's ridiculous. The only currency that could replace dollars are I.O.U.'s.
Mark your calendars guys, Sarah Palin's memoir detailing her 2008 run for Vice President will be released on November 17th and it's called, "Going Rogue: An American Life." - "Going Rogue" is a cool title... although it's pretty close to McCain's 2008 election memoir, "Going Insane."
Palin's memoir is 400 pages long... but the last 200 are blank.
Russian chess master Garry Kasparov handily defeated Anatoli Karpov (9 to 3) in a rematch commemorating the 25th anniversary of their epic first duel in 1984. I'm sure we all remember what we were doing that day 25 years ago... Not watching chess.
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. No word on how the change will affect the free toaster giveaways.
... Despite the possible change the World Bank will still keep all of its pens attached to chains.
Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and as of November 2, the TLC show will be called “Kate Plus 8.” Also the part of Kate will now be played by Kathy Lee Gifford.
It will follow TLC's other big hit "Kirstie plus 250"
President Obama will travel to Copenhagen on Thursday to make a pitch for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. He'll speak before the International Olympic Commitee and then appear on every TV show in Denmark.
A woman in Oklahoma was arrested after her 14-year-old son told police he was locked inside a bedroom closet for years. Now that he's out of the closet the boy plans to be your! Next! American! Idol!
Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst announced on Twitter yesterday that he and his wife, Esther, are splitting up after 2 months of marriage. Apparently he did it all for the Nookie.
Taliban insurgents threatened to bomb Oktoberfest in Munich if Germany does not leave Afghanistan. Yeah, that's a good idea, attack thousands of drunk German people.
I don't know what the Taliban is thinking... if they really want Germany to leave Afghanistan they just have to ask in a way Germans would understand like, "Ok Germany, closing time! You don't have to go home but you gotta get the hell out of heeeeeeee-aaaaaaah!"
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Meanwhile Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke says that's ridiculous. The only currency that could replace dollars are I.O.U.'s.
Mark your calendars guys, Sarah Palin's memoir detailing her 2008 run for Vice President will be released on November 17th and it's called, "Going Rogue: An American Life." - "Going Rogue" is a cool title... although it's pretty close to McCain's 2008 election memoir, "Going Insane."
Palin's memoir is 400 pages long... but the last 200 are blank.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
9/28/09 - Latest Possible Joke on Fallon
***The co-founder of the Gap, Donald G. Fisher, died yesterday at the age of 81. He's survived by his wife and Gap Kids.***
Congratulations to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom who tied the knot this weekend at a ceremony attended by many of Odom's Laker teammates. The biggest highlight came at the reception when Khloe tossed the bouquet over her shoulder and Kobe Bryant caught it in mid-air and dunked it.
Congratulations to the New York Yankees – this weekend they swept the Boston Red Sox in three games and clinched the American League East Title! Yep, the Yankees clinched... meanwhile in prison, Plaxico Burress clenched.
A 92-year-old woman in New Hampshire celebrated her birthday by sky-diving from a plane at 13,000 feet. When asked how she managed to avoid letting sky-diving scare the crap out of her, she answered, "Depends..."
Congratulations to Fernando and Yolanda Martinez - who own the Country Boys Taco Truck in Brooklyn - they won the fifth annual Vendy Award, which celebrates the best of New York's street food. Coming in last place: "Muammar Qaddafi's Falafal Tent. "
"Al Roker's Leftover Wagon"
"Ernie Anastos's "Keep F*ckin' that Chicken" kabobs.
"Donald Trump's Hair-epas"
Congratulations to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom who tied the knot this weekend at a ceremony attended by many of Odom's Laker teammates. The biggest highlight came at the reception when Khloe tossed the bouquet over her shoulder and Kobe Bryant caught it in mid-air and dunked it.
Congratulations to the New York Yankees – this weekend they swept the Boston Red Sox in three games and clinched the American League East Title! Yep, the Yankees clinched... meanwhile in prison, Plaxico Burress clenched.
A 92-year-old woman in New Hampshire celebrated her birthday by sky-diving from a plane at 13,000 feet. When asked how she managed to avoid letting sky-diving scare the crap out of her, she answered, "Depends..."
Congratulations to Fernando and Yolanda Martinez - who own the Country Boys Taco Truck in Brooklyn - they won the fifth annual Vendy Award, which celebrates the best of New York's street food. Coming in last place: "Muammar Qaddafi's Falafal Tent. "
"Al Roker's Leftover Wagon"
"Ernie Anastos's "Keep F*ckin' that Chicken" kabobs.
"Donald Trump's Hair-epas"
Saturday, September 26, 2009
9/25/09
Happy 40th birthday to Catherine Zeta-Jones and Happy 65th birthday to
her husband, Michael Douglas. To celebrate the couple exchanged gifts:
He gave her a diamond bracelet and she gave him a Medic-Alert
bracelet.
Michael Vick is expected to play in his first NFL game since 2006 on
Sunday when the Philadelphia Eagles play the Kansas City Chiefs. Vick
could see action in the 4th quarter... or earlier with good behavior.
What a historic week we just had here in New York City. Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, Mommar Qaddafi, and Hugo Chavez all spoke before the
meeting of the UN Security Council. Historians are calling it the
worst episode of "Madmen" ever.
First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a dinner last night for the wives of
the G-20 leaders... or as they're better known, the Real Housewives of
the G-20.
Police in Pittsburgh had to use pepper spray on a group of more than
500 people yesterday, protesting the G-20 Summit. A spokesman for the
protesters said, "it could've been worse, we could've been at a
Pirates game."
A woman in Arkansas discovered that she had conceived a child while
she was 2 ½ weeks into another pregnancy. Jon Gosselin said, "Yes! I
knew I could do it!"
President Obama and British leaders accused Iran on Friday of building
a secret underground plant to manufacture nuclear fuel. The accusation
came after a secret meeting between President Obama and James Bond.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that the UN doesn’t smell of
sulfur anymore and that “it smells of something else...." Then Joe
Wison stood up and yelled, "he who smelt it, dealt it!"
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden Burger... It's a hamburger topped with
really fake-looking lettuce.
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden BLT... I'd read you the ingredients but
the list goes on forever.
... It's got bacon, lettuce, tomato and about 100 other useless ingredients.
Did you hear about this? Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi’s translator
collapsed during his rant at the UN this week, saying “I just can’t
take it anymore.” Poor guy, apparently he was up all night outside
Qaddafi's tent on Coyote watch.
her husband, Michael Douglas. To celebrate the couple exchanged gifts:
He gave her a diamond bracelet and she gave him a Medic-Alert
bracelet.
Michael Vick is expected to play in his first NFL game since 2006 on
Sunday when the Philadelphia Eagles play the Kansas City Chiefs. Vick
could see action in the 4th quarter... or earlier with good behavior.
What a historic week we just had here in New York City. Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, Mommar Qaddafi, and Hugo Chavez all spoke before the
meeting of the UN Security Council. Historians are calling it the
worst episode of "Madmen" ever.
First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a dinner last night for the wives of
the G-20 leaders... or as they're better known, the Real Housewives of
the G-20.
Police in Pittsburgh had to use pepper spray on a group of more than
500 people yesterday, protesting the G-20 Summit. A spokesman for the
protesters said, "it could've been worse, we could've been at a
Pirates game."
A woman in Arkansas discovered that she had conceived a child while
she was 2 ½ weeks into another pregnancy. Jon Gosselin said, "Yes! I
knew I could do it!"
President Obama and British leaders accused Iran on Friday of building
a secret underground plant to manufacture nuclear fuel. The accusation
came after a secret meeting between President Obama and James Bond.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that the UN doesn’t smell of
sulfur anymore and that “it smells of something else...." Then Joe
Wison stood up and yelled, "he who smelt it, dealt it!"
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden Burger... It's a hamburger topped with
really fake-looking lettuce.
A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named
after Michelle Obama called the “Michelle Melt.” It’s a turkey burger
on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, herbs, and mayo.
Also on the menu is the Biden BLT... I'd read you the ingredients but
the list goes on forever.
... It's got bacon, lettuce, tomato and about 100 other useless ingredients.
Did you hear about this? Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi’s translator
collapsed during his rant at the UN this week, saying “I just can’t
take it anymore.” Poor guy, apparently he was up all night outside
Qaddafi's tent on Coyote watch.
Friday, September 25, 2009
9/24/09
Big day today for President Obama... this morning in New York he spokebefore the UN Security Council... in the afternoon he traveled toPittsburgh for the G-20 Summit... then he flew down south for dinnerwith the Real Housewives of Atlanta...
In his 96-minute speech at the UN yesterday, Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi tore up a copy of the UN charter. But in his defense Qaddafi's been living in a tent all week, he probably just needed some toilet paper.
Qaddafi referred to President Obama as "his son" and would be happy if Obama “would stay for ever as president. Then he asked Obama to be his BFF.
Qaddafi called for new investigations into the assassination of JFK. Qaddafi even offered to help saying he's willing to spend as long as it takes living in a tent on the grassy knoll.
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy this week –the heaviest newborn ever recorded in the country. The mother took onelook at the size of her son and named him KFed.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced yesterday on his blog that he contractedswine flu while he was reporting in Afghanistan. He said the worstsymptom was coughing up all that "Gupta."
A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more Americans favor Glenn Beck over Rush Limbaugh... in a bathing suit.
Workers at a recycling center in California found more than $3,000 incash while sorting trash yesterday. You know what they say, "one man's trash is another man's really smelly treasure."
In his 96-minute speech at the UN yesterday, Libyan leader Mommar Qaddafi tore up a copy of the UN charter. But in his defense Qaddafi's been living in a tent all week, he probably just needed some toilet paper.
Qaddafi referred to President Obama as "his son" and would be happy if Obama “would stay for ever as president. Then he asked Obama to be his BFF.
Qaddafi called for new investigations into the assassination of JFK. Qaddafi even offered to help saying he's willing to spend as long as it takes living in a tent on the grassy knoll.
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy this week –the heaviest newborn ever recorded in the country. The mother took onelook at the size of her son and named him KFed.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced yesterday on his blog that he contractedswine flu while he was reporting in Afghanistan. He said the worstsymptom was coughing up all that "Gupta."
A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more Americans favor Glenn Beck over Rush Limbaugh... in a bathing suit.
Workers at a recycling center in California found more than $3,000 incash while sorting trash yesterday. You know what they say, "one man's trash is another man's really smelly treasure."
9/23/09
Happy Happy birthday to the Boss! Bruce Springsteen turned 60 yearsold today. Wow, the Boss is 60 -- nowadays when he sings "Born to Run" he's mostly talking about goin' to the bathroom.
Leaders from Canada walked out of Iranian President MahmoudAhmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged all delegates inthe 192-member chamber to do the same. Though it was a tough sellsince the Canadians walked out to attend a Celine Dion concert.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged alldelegates in the 192-member chamber to do the same. Unfortunatelynobody responded to the Canadians' pleas of, "come on everybody, we'rewalking oot! Why is nobody else walking oot with us? Are you comingwith us, we're walking oot!"
I read this in Time Magazine - Former Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was - "Weak. Waffling, wavering, and ambiguous." Apparently when you finish 3rd in a presidential election you win a lifetime supply of "word of the day" desk calendars.
Last night Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds set a new major league baseball record when he struck out for the 205th timethis season. To put that number in perspective, Reynolds has made less contact with balls this year than Rosie O'Donnell.
German leaders planned to walk out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today if he denied the Holocaust or made any anti-Semitic statements. Unless his statements were set to a tecno beat, then they'd be cool with it.
Leaders from Canada walked out of Iranian President MahmoudAhmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged all delegates inthe 192-member chamber to do the same. Though it was a tough sellsince the Canadians walked out to attend a Celine Dion concert.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today – and urged alldelegates in the 192-member chamber to do the same. Unfortunatelynobody responded to the Canadians' pleas of, "come on everybody, we'rewalking oot! Why is nobody else walking oot with us? Are you comingwith us, we're walking oot!"
I read this in Time Magazine - Former Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was - "Weak. Waffling, wavering, and ambiguous." Apparently when you finish 3rd in a presidential election you win a lifetime supply of "word of the day" desk calendars.
Last night Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds set a new major league baseball record when he struck out for the 205th timethis season. To put that number in perspective, Reynolds has made less contact with balls this year than Rosie O'Donnell.
German leaders planned to walk out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N. today if he denied the Holocaust or made any anti-Semitic statements. Unless his statements were set to a tecno beat, then they'd be cool with it.
9/22/09
Police are investigating the theft of $400,000 worth of jewelry fromthe home of Buffalo Bills safety Donte Whitner. I think it's safe to say none of the stolen jewelry included any Superbowl rings.
Ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards rose to 13.3 million – that's a million more viewers than last year. Producers are attributing the extra million viewers to the chick from Madmen's boobs.
President Obama shook hands with New York Governor David Paterson yesterday at the Albany airport – two days after he asked the governornot to run in 2010 - which could explain why during the handshake, Patterson never made eye contact with Obama.
Did you guys catch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night?Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay danced the Cha-Chato the song, "Wild Thing" - and then judge Bruno called him, "crazier than Sarah Palin." DeLay responded by calling Bruno a fascist.
Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay made his debut on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night and said in order to succeed onthe dance floor he had to "get in touch with his feminine side." Rush Limbaugh advised him to just do what he does: grow man boobs.
Researchers in the U.S. are now testing a new "topical cream" for erectile dysfunction. The topic: Disgusting stuff researchers have to do.
President Obama has been urging NY Governor David Patterson not to run for another term as Governor but just this weekend the two met at anairport in Albany and whispered to each other. Depsite the meeting insiders claim the two still don't see eye-to-eye.
Ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards rose to 13.3 million – that's a million more viewers than last year. Producers are attributing the extra million viewers to the chick from Madmen's boobs.
President Obama shook hands with New York Governor David Paterson yesterday at the Albany airport – two days after he asked the governornot to run in 2010 - which could explain why during the handshake, Patterson never made eye contact with Obama.
Did you guys catch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night?Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay danced the Cha-Chato the song, "Wild Thing" - and then judge Bruno called him, "crazier than Sarah Palin." DeLay responded by calling Bruno a fascist.
Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay made his debut on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars last night and said in order to succeed onthe dance floor he had to "get in touch with his feminine side." Rush Limbaugh advised him to just do what he does: grow man boobs.
Researchers in the U.S. are now testing a new "topical cream" for erectile dysfunction. The topic: Disgusting stuff researchers have to do.
President Obama has been urging NY Governor David Patterson not to run for another term as Governor but just this weekend the two met at anairport in Albany and whispered to each other. Depsite the meeting insiders claim the two still don't see eye-to-eye.
Monday, September 21, 2009
9/21/09
In the first game played at the new billion dollar "Dallas Stadium"
last night, the Cowboys lost to the Giants 33-31. Tony Romo threw
three interceptions but on the bright side none of his passes hit the
scoreboard.
Today is the last day of Summer - which means Lady Gaga can put away
all her short-sleeved male genitalia.
Last night the Emmy's unveiled a new format where the show was broken
into five specific award genres: Comedy, Reality, Variety Drama, and
shows about sharks.
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham criticized President Obama’s media
blitz over the weekend, saying “he’s been on everything but the Food
Channel.” Ironically Graham made the statement while appearing on his
new Food Network show, "Whiners, Drive-ins and Dives."
A New Jersey man was arrested after his 4-year-old son brought his
cocaine to daycare and handed it out to other kids. Daycare
authorities knew something was wrong after the wheels on the bus would
not stop going, "round and round, round and round, round and round!"
(speed reading)
Avril Lavigne and her husband of three years – Sum 41 frontman, Deryck
Whibley – are getting a divorce. Apparently, "he was a Sk8er Boy, she
said see ya later boy." (Singing)
A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder
at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. Authorities on the scene
said they weren't sure if it was the most amazing home invasion story
they'd ever seen or the most disturbing Cialis commercial.
Happy, happy birthday to Nicole Ritchie. She turned 28... pounds.
Today is the last day of summer, and tomorrow is the first day of
fall… which means no more open toes for Lady Gaga, just camel toes.
A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating
Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating
championship on Friday. When presented with his trophies the man
burped, “thank you.” (burped)
last night, the Cowboys lost to the Giants 33-31. Tony Romo threw
three interceptions but on the bright side none of his passes hit the
scoreboard.
Today is the last day of Summer - which means Lady Gaga can put away
all her short-sleeved male genitalia.
Last night the Emmy's unveiled a new format where the show was broken
into five specific award genres: Comedy, Reality, Variety Drama, and
shows about sharks.
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham criticized President Obama’s media
blitz over the weekend, saying “he’s been on everything but the Food
Channel.” Ironically Graham made the statement while appearing on his
new Food Network show, "Whiners, Drive-ins and Dives."
A New Jersey man was arrested after his 4-year-old son brought his
cocaine to daycare and handed it out to other kids. Daycare
authorities knew something was wrong after the wheels on the bus would
not stop going, "round and round, round and round, round and round!"
(speed reading)
Avril Lavigne and her husband of three years – Sum 41 frontman, Deryck
Whibley – are getting a divorce. Apparently, "he was a Sk8er Boy, she
said see ya later boy." (Singing)
A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder
at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. Authorities on the scene
said they weren't sure if it was the most amazing home invasion story
they'd ever seen or the most disturbing Cialis commercial.
Happy, happy birthday to Nicole Ritchie. She turned 28... pounds.
Today is the last day of summer, and tomorrow is the first day of
fall… which means no more open toes for Lady Gaga, just camel toes.
A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating
Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating
championship on Friday. When presented with his trophies the man
burped, “thank you.” (burped)
9/18/09
New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan sent a phone message out to some NY
Jet fans asking them to make it miserable for Tom Brady - when the
Patriots play the Jets this weekend. He suggested the Patriots sign
Terrell Owens.
Sunday is the regular season debut of the new home to the Dallas
Cowboys - the $1.3 billion “Dallas Stadium”. Most of the money was
spent on a state of the art security gate meant to keep Jessica
Simpson out.
Dallas Stadium has a retractable roof, the world's largest high
definition video screen, and private luxury suites can be purchased
for up to $500,000 a year. And for an extra hundred grand they’ll
throw in a couple Yankees tickets.
Today is National Cheeseburger Day! President Obama honored the
occasion by inviting representatives from “McDonald Land” to the White
House.
... President Obama marked the occasion by pardoning the “Hamburglar”
of all his crimes.
... To honor the occasion the Obama’s hosted a White House dinner for
the Burger King.
Jet fans asking them to make it miserable for Tom Brady - when the
Patriots play the Jets this weekend. He suggested the Patriots sign
Terrell Owens.
Sunday is the regular season debut of the new home to the Dallas
Cowboys - the $1.3 billion “Dallas Stadium”. Most of the money was
spent on a state of the art security gate meant to keep Jessica
Simpson out.
Dallas Stadium has a retractable roof, the world's largest high
definition video screen, and private luxury suites can be purchased
for up to $500,000 a year. And for an extra hundred grand they’ll
throw in a couple Yankees tickets.
Today is National Cheeseburger Day! President Obama honored the
occasion by inviting representatives from “McDonald Land” to the White
House.
... President Obama marked the occasion by pardoning the “Hamburglar”
of all his crimes.
... To honor the occasion the Obama’s hosted a White House dinner for
the Burger King.
9/17/09
New Zealand scientists have developed a wireless heart pump that uses
magnetic fields to transfer power to heart pumps through a person's
skin rather than using wire cables. The best part is: if patients
can't afford the wireless service they can just steal the signal from
their neighbors.
More Jon and Kate news this week: Jon returned the couple's two German
Shepherds back to their breeders - blaming Kate because she's never
home to take care of them. To clarify, when I say "breeders," I'm NOT
talking about Jon and Kate.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
proposal is such a turn off to Republican Senators they're already
cheating on it with younger, hotter proposals.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
main sticking point for Republicans: The plan doesn't do enough to
cover hooker mistresses.
Did you guys see the finale of America's Got Talent last night?
Susanne Boyle made her American TV debut with a performance of the
Rolling Stones classic, "Wild Horses" - which prompted Mick Jagger to
ask, "What's Keith Richards doin on the telly singing Wild Horses?"
(As Jagger)
Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down from her job as the CEO of the WWE to run for the Republican senate seat in Connecticut. Boy celebrity politicians are all the "roid" rage, aren't they?
magnetic fields to transfer power to heart pumps through a person's
skin rather than using wire cables. The best part is: if patients
can't afford the wireless service they can just steal the signal from
their neighbors.
More Jon and Kate news this week: Jon returned the couple's two German
Shepherds back to their breeders - blaming Kate because she's never
home to take care of them. To clarify, when I say "breeders," I'm NOT
talking about Jon and Kate.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
proposal is such a turn off to Republican Senators they're already
cheating on it with younger, hotter proposals.
The Senate Finance Committee unveiled its $856 billion healthcare
proposal yesterday and not one Republican Senator supports it. The
main sticking point for Republicans: The plan doesn't do enough to
cover hooker mistresses.
Did you guys see the finale of America's Got Talent last night?
Susanne Boyle made her American TV debut with a performance of the
Rolling Stones classic, "Wild Horses" - which prompted Mick Jagger to
ask, "What's Keith Richards doin on the telly singing Wild Horses?"
(As Jagger)
Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down from her job as the CEO of the WWE to run for the Republican senate seat in Connecticut. Boy celebrity politicians are all the "roid" rage, aren't they?
9/16/09
Universal in Orlando will open a new, Harry Potter theme park in the
spring of 2010. Some of the rides at the new “Wizarding World of Harry
Potter” are: the “Dragon Challenge,” the “Triwizard Tournament,” and
“Gandalf’s Magical Moustache Ride.”
Did you guys see the Phillies game last night? There was a cute
moment when a fan caught Jayson Werth’s foul ball, then gave it to his
daughter. But she just threw it right back onto the field… What you
can’t see in the video is that before she threw the ball back onto the
field she threatened to shove it down her father’s throat.
People Magazine’s 2009 Best-Dressed List issue comes out this Friday.
Cameron Diaz was singled out for “Best Jeans.” Meanwhile Michael Moore
was singled out for “Best Jeans with an Elastic Waistband.”
… Taylor Swift was chosen for “best sparkle” while Beyonce was chose
for “Even Better Sparkle.”
… “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson won for best-dressed man of the
year - Which confirms that the look for guys this year is, “Disheveled
Runaway Teen”
spring of 2010. Some of the rides at the new “Wizarding World of Harry
Potter” are: the “Dragon Challenge,” the “Triwizard Tournament,” and
“Gandalf’s Magical Moustache Ride.”
Did you guys see the Phillies game last night? There was a cute
moment when a fan caught Jayson Werth’s foul ball, then gave it to his
daughter. But she just threw it right back onto the field… What you
can’t see in the video is that before she threw the ball back onto the
field she threatened to shove it down her father’s throat.
People Magazine’s 2009 Best-Dressed List issue comes out this Friday.
Cameron Diaz was singled out for “Best Jeans.” Meanwhile Michael Moore
was singled out for “Best Jeans with an Elastic Waistband.”
… Taylor Swift was chosen for “best sparkle” while Beyonce was chose
for “Even Better Sparkle.”
… “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson won for best-dressed man of the
year - Which confirms that the look for guys this year is, “Disheveled
Runaway Teen”
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
9/15/09
Happy, happy 63rd Birthday to director Oliver Stone… At his party he was able to blow out all 63 candles on his cake… but some believe there was a second blower behind the nacho fountain.
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy because he’s gay… And then the Ukraine went back to training all ofthe world’s gymnasts and figure skaters.
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy,because he is gay and too old. “And the same goes for you too, Rosie O’Donnell”… said the Ukraine.
Dan Brown’s newest novel, “The Lost Symbol,” hit bookstores today. Or did it?????????
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story takes place in Washington, D.C. over a12-hour period and uncovers the secret behind how long it takes Nancy Pelosi to removeher makeup.
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story shines a light on a secret, underground society of people that understand what the hell a public option is.
an underground society of people known as, "Dick Cheney's Friends"
Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West's music, saying hewas “just grandstanding to get attention.” Unfortunately nobody interrupted Trump while he was talking.
Happy Birthday to Hills star, Heidi Montag – she turned 23 today. Unfortunately for everyone at her party she joined them in singing, “Happy Birthday.”
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy because he’s gay… And then the Ukraine went back to training all ofthe world’s gymnasts and figure skaters.
Authorities in Ukraine will not allow Elton John to adopt a baby boy,because he is gay and too old. “And the same goes for you too, Rosie O’Donnell”… said the Ukraine.
Dan Brown’s newest novel, “The Lost Symbol,” hit bookstores today. Or did it?????????
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story takes place in Washington, D.C. over a12-hour period and uncovers the secret behind how long it takes Nancy Pelosi to removeher makeup.
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown’s newest novel “The Lost Symbol”
was released today. The story shines a light on a secret, underground society of people that understand what the hell a public option is.
an underground society of people known as, "Dick Cheney's Friends"
Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West's music, saying hewas “just grandstanding to get attention.” Unfortunately nobody interrupted Trump while he was talking.
Happy Birthday to Hills star, Heidi Montag – she turned 23 today. Unfortunately for everyone at her party she joined them in singing, “Happy Birthday.”
9/14/09
Happy, happy birthday to Amy Winehouse who turned 26 yesterday. She said her favorite thing to do on her birthday is blow… out the candles.
The most talked about moment at last night’s VMA’s was when Kanye West jumped on stage and interrupted Taylor Swift’s best female video acceptance speech. Apparently Kanye thought he should have won.
After the VMA’s Kanye West apologized to Taylor Swift on his blog for interrupting her acceptance speech saying, “I’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment.” Word is Kanye realized how wrong he was when he got backstage and Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down his throat.
Everyone’s talking about Lady Gaga’s performance of her song,“Paparazzi” last night at the VMA’s where she faked her death on stage and ended up covered in blood. It was insane, there was so much blood on stage security had to restrain Robert Pattinson.
Last night at the VMA’s Taylor Swift performed her song, “You BelongWith Me” on a real New York City subway platform and inside a packed subway car. Not only did her performance steal the show but she sold enough Skittles to buy new uniforms for her basketball team.
Dean Kamen – the inventor of the Segway – designed a new portable device called the Slingshot that can purify drinking water in remote villages. Just like the Segway, the only problem with the Slingshot is you look really gay using it.
Barbara Walters was not present on “The View” this morning with special guest host Kate Gosselin. Instead she was shooting aone-on-one interview with Jon Gosselin for her annual special: “TheMost UN-interesting People of 2009”.
President Obama came to New York City this morning to give a speech onthe banking industry - on the one-year anniversary of the collapse ofLehman Brothers. In a change in strategy from his healthcare speech, this time Obama was the one telling the crowd, “you lie”
Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape where he calls President Obama “powerless” in the war against Afghanistan. Later in the tape he explains that Obama is talented but that Beyonce is much more powerful.
The most talked about moment at last night’s VMA’s was when Kanye West jumped on stage and interrupted Taylor Swift’s best female video acceptance speech. Apparently Kanye thought he should have won.
After the VMA’s Kanye West apologized to Taylor Swift on his blog for interrupting her acceptance speech saying, “I’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment.” Word is Kanye realized how wrong he was when he got backstage and Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down his throat.
Everyone’s talking about Lady Gaga’s performance of her song,“Paparazzi” last night at the VMA’s where she faked her death on stage and ended up covered in blood. It was insane, there was so much blood on stage security had to restrain Robert Pattinson.
Last night at the VMA’s Taylor Swift performed her song, “You BelongWith Me” on a real New York City subway platform and inside a packed subway car. Not only did her performance steal the show but she sold enough Skittles to buy new uniforms for her basketball team.
Dean Kamen – the inventor of the Segway – designed a new portable device called the Slingshot that can purify drinking water in remote villages. Just like the Segway, the only problem with the Slingshot is you look really gay using it.
Barbara Walters was not present on “The View” this morning with special guest host Kate Gosselin. Instead she was shooting aone-on-one interview with Jon Gosselin for her annual special: “TheMost UN-interesting People of 2009”.
President Obama came to New York City this morning to give a speech onthe banking industry - on the one-year anniversary of the collapse ofLehman Brothers. In a change in strategy from his healthcare speech, this time Obama was the one telling the crowd, “you lie”
Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape where he calls President Obama “powerless” in the war against Afghanistan. Later in the tape he explains that Obama is talented but that Beyonce is much more powerful.
Monday, September 14, 2009
9/11/09
It’s a big weekend here in New York City – you got the US Open, Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer doesn’t know who to have sex with.
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress onWednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress onWednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
9/11/09
It’s a big weekend here in New York City – you got the US Open,
Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so
many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer
doesn’t know who to have sex with.
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress on
Wednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.
To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering
replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the
fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon
she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow
he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –
9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a
coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
Fashion Week, plus the Video Music Awards are Sunday… There are so
many tennis players, models and pop stars walkin’ around, John Mayer
doesn’t know who to have sex with.
32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress on
Wednesday – down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress.
To help boost viewership, for his next speech Obama’s considering
replacing Congress with vampires.
Ellen DeGeneres said she promises to be “honest but kind” as the
fourth judge on “American Idol.” My only worry is that next to Simon
she may come off sounding too “De-Generous.”
Happy, happy birthday to rapper Ludacris – he turned 32 today. Wow
he’s 32 already, that’s ludicrous!
This is amazing: a baby boy was born in Wisconsin on Wednesday –
9/9/09, at 9:09 am, weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces. Even more of a
coincidence, waiting for the baby in his nursery: 99 Luft Balloons!
And the doctor who delivered the baby… Wayne Gretzky!
Friday, September 11, 2009
9/10/09
The most talked about moment of Obama’s speech on healthcare last night was when Republican Congressman Joe Wilson yelled, “you lie” after Obama said reforms would not apply to illegal immigrants. After the outburst Nancy Pelosi was seen shaking her head in disgust. Turns out she wasn’t upset at Wilson - she was pissed at Hillary Clinton for wearing the same red pantsuit she did.
After the speech Wilson immediately apologized for his inappropriate outburst – or as they call it in the White House, “pulling a Biden.”
After Wilson’s inappropriate outburst Joe Biden could be seen whispering to Nancy Pelosi, “wow, did he just pulled a me?”
After the speech there was a lot of speculation about where the outburst came from until SC Congressman Joe Wilson owned up to it and apologized... but not before claiming he couldn't have done it b/c hewas hiking in the Appalachians.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he got tough with Republicans saying, “If you misrepresent this plan, I will call youout”. Then he threatened to invite anyone who disagreed with him over to the White House for a beer.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he told members of Congress that his door is always open – which is a fundamental change from former President Clinton’s policy of “if this rooms-a-rockin’don’t come-a-knockin!”
After Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, John McCain appeared onLarry King Live to give his reaction to the President’s plan saying,“his numbers don’t add up.” To prove his point McCain pulled out anabacus… and then King was like “Hey, that’s my abacus.”
Later in the evening, John McCain appeared on Larry King Live to comment on Obama’s speech. Unfortunately neither of them could remember anything the President said.
After the speech Wilson immediately apologized for his inappropriate outburst – or as they call it in the White House, “pulling a Biden.”
After Wilson’s inappropriate outburst Joe Biden could be seen whispering to Nancy Pelosi, “wow, did he just pulled a me?”
After the speech there was a lot of speculation about where the outburst came from until SC Congressman Joe Wilson owned up to it and apologized... but not before claiming he couldn't have done it b/c hewas hiking in the Appalachians.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he got tough with Republicans saying, “If you misrepresent this plan, I will call youout”. Then he threatened to invite anyone who disagreed with him over to the White House for a beer.
During Obama’s speech on healthcare last night he told members of Congress that his door is always open – which is a fundamental change from former President Clinton’s policy of “if this rooms-a-rockin’don’t come-a-knockin!”
After Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, John McCain appeared onLarry King Live to give his reaction to the President’s plan saying,“his numbers don’t add up.” To prove his point McCain pulled out anabacus… and then King was like “Hey, that’s my abacus.”
Later in the evening, John McCain appeared on Larry King Live to comment on Obama’s speech. Unfortunately neither of them could remember anything the President said.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
9/9/09
Forbes.com ranked fishing and logging as the world’s most dangerous jobs. The least dangerous job in the world: ranking jobs for Forbes.com.
The long-awaited remastered editions of the Beatles 12 studio albums were released today. The songs are so clear you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.
Health officials in Australia are telling doctors to drink 6 cups ofcoffee a day to stay awake during long shifts. Damn, 6 cups of coffee,that’s a lot of toilets flushing in the opposite direction.
eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin for aminimum bid of $25,000. Word of advice to the winner, don’t order the soufflé.
Due to the current financial crisis, the United States lost its title as the most competitive economy to Switzerland. When US bankers heard about this they were like, “Nah ah, we bet you a billion dollars we're more competitive than the Swiss!”
A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. Which is all Congress needed to hear - sosee ya in 2020… moon!
Instead of showing President Obama’s big health care speech tonight, FOX went ahead with the season premiere of its dance competitionseries “So You Think You Can Dance.” Which is unfortunate for the dancers since Obama’s plan doesn’t cover groin injuries.
Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment in New York is on the market. It is expected to fetch between 8 and 10 million dollars. Or in Madoff terms: 20 million cigarettes.
President Obama’s health care speech to Congress tonight was seen by many pundits as a definitive point in his presidency. It's way moredefinitive than all his other primetime televised speeches.
Today is 9/09/09… It’s a very rare occurrence. The next time consecutive numbers will appear in a date nobody will care either.
Re-mastered versions of every Beatles album came out today. When Ringo heard this he said, “Remastered? But I never mastered them in the first place.”
Beatles Rock Band came out today featuring replica instruments just like ones the Beatles used to play. There’s Paul’s bass and Ringo’s drums… and in a five years they’ll come out with George’s sitar.
The long-awaited remastered editions of the Beatles 12 studio albums were released today. The songs are so clear you can actually hear Yoko complaining in the background.
Health officials in Australia are telling doctors to drink 6 cups ofcoffee a day to stay awake during long shifts. Damn, 6 cups of coffee,that’s a lot of toilets flushing in the opposite direction.
eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin for aminimum bid of $25,000. Word of advice to the winner, don’t order the soufflé.
Due to the current financial crisis, the United States lost its title as the most competitive economy to Switzerland. When US bankers heard about this they were like, “Nah ah, we bet you a billion dollars we're more competitive than the Swiss!”
A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. Which is all Congress needed to hear - sosee ya in 2020… moon!
Instead of showing President Obama’s big health care speech tonight, FOX went ahead with the season premiere of its dance competitionseries “So You Think You Can Dance.” Which is unfortunate for the dancers since Obama’s plan doesn’t cover groin injuries.
Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment in New York is on the market. It is expected to fetch between 8 and 10 million dollars. Or in Madoff terms: 20 million cigarettes.
President Obama’s health care speech to Congress tonight was seen by many pundits as a definitive point in his presidency. It's way moredefinitive than all his other primetime televised speeches.
Today is 9/09/09… It’s a very rare occurrence. The next time consecutive numbers will appear in a date nobody will care either.
Re-mastered versions of every Beatles album came out today. When Ringo heard this he said, “Remastered? But I never mastered them in the first place.”
Beatles Rock Band came out today featuring replica instruments just like ones the Beatles used to play. There’s Paul’s bass and Ringo’s drums… and in a five years they’ll come out with George’s sitar.
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