Saturday, March 28, 2009
FIRST JOKE ON LATE NIGHT - aired 3/23
The Vatican may boycott “The Da Vinci Code,” sequel “Angels & Demons,” for theological errors about Jesus. Instead Vatican movie theatres will play a rebuttal film they say more accurately depicts Jesus called, “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.”
3/27/09
“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch is serving as his own lawyer on charges of tax evasion. The judge in the case agreed to let Hatch represent himself under one condition: He's not allowed to approach the bench unless he's wearing pants.
A 105-year-old great-great-great-grandmother will throw out the first pitch for a Florida Marlins spring training game next week. Just in case, the Marlins tested the woman's urine for performance enhancing drugs and luckily her diaper came back clean.
Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted several times Thursday, creating a 12-mile-high cloud of ash over parts of the state including Anchorage. Governor Sarah Palin said the cloud is so thick that she's no longer able to see Russia from her front porch.
On Wednesday, the Postmaster General told Congress the post office will run out of money this year unless it gets help. Congress argued claiming they already sent the Post Office millions of dollars weeks ago but no one was home to sign for it.
... Congress argued claiming they already sent the Post Office millions of dollars weeks ago and the delivery was signed for by a B. Madoff.
The Postmaster General asked for Congress’s permission to cut mail deliveries to five days a week. Rather than shortening Postal employees' work weeks, Congress decided instead to just shorten their shorts.
On Thursday, The Rio 2016 Bid Committee outlined plans for the first Olympic games ever in South America. If Rio Di Jeneiro does end up hosting the Olympics look for a few new events to be added to the games like, "Tug of Whore" and "Ho Boarding".
A 105-year-old great-great-great-grandmother will throw out the first pitch for a Florida Marlins spring training game next week. Just in case, the Marlins tested the woman's urine for performance enhancing drugs and luckily her diaper came back clean.
Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted several times Thursday, creating a 12-mile-high cloud of ash over parts of the state including Anchorage. Governor Sarah Palin said the cloud is so thick that she's no longer able to see Russia from her front porch.
On Wednesday, the Postmaster General told Congress the post office will run out of money this year unless it gets help. Congress argued claiming they already sent the Post Office millions of dollars weeks ago but no one was home to sign for it.
... Congress argued claiming they already sent the Post Office millions of dollars weeks ago and the delivery was signed for by a B. Madoff.
The Postmaster General asked for Congress’s permission to cut mail deliveries to five days a week. Rather than shortening Postal employees' work weeks, Congress decided instead to just shorten their shorts.
On Thursday, The Rio 2016 Bid Committee outlined plans for the first Olympic games ever in South America. If Rio Di Jeneiro does end up hosting the Olympics look for a few new events to be added to the games like, "Tug of Whore" and "Ho Boarding".
3/23/09
One of Michael Jackson’s gloves will be on display in Times Square this week to promote the upcoming Neverland Ranch auction. In addition, all this week, every Jamba Juice in the city will change their name to Jesus Juice.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich hosted a Chicago radio talk show on Wednesday morning. Blagojevich took calls on a wide range of political topics... while his hair handled weather and traffic.
In November, Al Gore will release his second book on climate change, printed on one hundred percent recycled paper.
An environmentally friendly book on tape version will also be released which'll just be recorded over a bunch of Gore's old Foreigner cassettes.
During a hearing on Tuesday, Barney Frank told protesters waving signs to act their age or he would expel them from the proceedings. To which the protesters responded by chanting, "say it, don't spray it!"
President Barack Obama is planning an online town hall-style meeting on the White House's Web site this Thursday. Officials say Obama will answer questions about the economy and respond to complaints about the new Facebook layout.
President Barack Obama is planning an online town hall-style meeting on the White House's Web site this Thursday. Officials say Obama will answer questions about the economy and try to sell an old TV stand he doesn't need anymore.
A fireman in Thailand dressed up as Spider-Man on Tuesday to coax a frightened eight-year-old boy from a balcony. When asked what prompted him to do so he said he felt his "Spidey Sense tingle"... and then added, "at least I think it was my Spidey Sense, you never know in Thailand."
Two former Broadway producers have been convicted of participating in large-scale accounting fraud. But don't worry, while the Producers are locked up, their play "Springtime for Hitler" will remain open.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich hosted a Chicago radio talk show on Wednesday morning. Blagojevich took calls on a wide range of political topics... while his hair handled weather and traffic.
In November, Al Gore will release his second book on climate change, printed on one hundred percent recycled paper.
An environmentally friendly book on tape version will also be released which'll just be recorded over a bunch of Gore's old Foreigner cassettes.
During a hearing on Tuesday, Barney Frank told protesters waving signs to act their age or he would expel them from the proceedings. To which the protesters responded by chanting, "say it, don't spray it!"
President Barack Obama is planning an online town hall-style meeting on the White House's Web site this Thursday. Officials say Obama will answer questions about the economy and respond to complaints about the new Facebook layout.
President Barack Obama is planning an online town hall-style meeting on the White House's Web site this Thursday. Officials say Obama will answer questions about the economy and try to sell an old TV stand he doesn't need anymore.
A fireman in Thailand dressed up as Spider-Man on Tuesday to coax a frightened eight-year-old boy from a balcony. When asked what prompted him to do so he said he felt his "Spidey Sense tingle"... and then added, "at least I think it was my Spidey Sense, you never know in Thailand."
Two former Broadway producers have been convicted of participating in large-scale accounting fraud. But don't worry, while the Producers are locked up, their play "Springtime for Hitler" will remain open.
3/22/09
The former madam who supplied Eliot Spitzer with hookers now claims Alex Rodriguez was a client. A-Rod says he only used the hookers to rehab his sore groin.
The first two rounds of the NCAA tournament are completed and it looks like John McCain’s bracket is doing better than President Obama’s. While a number of wrong decisions in the early rounds has hurt Obama, so far McCain’s only bad choices have been picking Arizona State to advance to the Elite 8 and Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Octomom Nadya Suleman has revealed that the father of all 14 of her children is in his late thirties, lives in California and is not American. Let’s see… young man living in California, isn’t from here, and he’s the father of 14… I’m gonna take a guess and say he’s Mexican.
The science fiction thriller “Knowing,” starring Nicolas Cage, topped the weekend box office with $24.8 million. It’s about a time capsule that reveals the time, date, and location of every disaster in the last 50 years but surprisingly says nothing about Nic Cage’s hair.
The White House will publicly release three internal memos outlining torture techniques approved by the Bush administration against al Qaeda detainees. White House officials say they found the memos under Dick Cheney’s mattress.
Senior citizens between seventy and seventy-five represent the fastest growing age group on the Internet, with nearly forty-five percent going online. The most popular websites among the new senior surfers are Google, weather.com, and the social networking site, “DeadFriendster.com”
A two-year-old boy in Britain is the youngest person ever to receive a restraining order for verbally abusing his neighbors. He’s a chip of the old block, said the boy’s father, Simon Cowell.
The first two rounds of the NCAA tournament are completed and it looks like John McCain’s bracket is doing better than President Obama’s. While a number of wrong decisions in the early rounds has hurt Obama, so far McCain’s only bad choices have been picking Arizona State to advance to the Elite 8 and Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Octomom Nadya Suleman has revealed that the father of all 14 of her children is in his late thirties, lives in California and is not American. Let’s see… young man living in California, isn’t from here, and he’s the father of 14… I’m gonna take a guess and say he’s Mexican.
The science fiction thriller “Knowing,” starring Nicolas Cage, topped the weekend box office with $24.8 million. It’s about a time capsule that reveals the time, date, and location of every disaster in the last 50 years but surprisingly says nothing about Nic Cage’s hair.
The White House will publicly release three internal memos outlining torture techniques approved by the Bush administration against al Qaeda detainees. White House officials say they found the memos under Dick Cheney’s mattress.
Senior citizens between seventy and seventy-five represent the fastest growing age group on the Internet, with nearly forty-five percent going online. The most popular websites among the new senior surfers are Google, weather.com, and the social networking site, “DeadFriendster.com”
A two-year-old boy in Britain is the youngest person ever to receive a restraining order for verbally abusing his neighbors. He’s a chip of the old block, said the boy’s father, Simon Cowell.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
3/20/09
At a town hall meeting in Los Angeles on Thursday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced President Obama as “beautiful.” At least that’s what I think he said.
During his town hall meeting with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Thursday, President Obama took questions from a third-grade boy. Meanwhile Schwarzenegger took a healthcare question from a Kindergartener to which he replied, “It’s not a tumor!”
On Friday, first lady Michelle Obama will plant the first vegetable garden at the White House since World War II. Although to be fair, during the Clinton administration there was a lot of talk about having an ‘Olive Garden’ at the White House.
The owner of a Rhode Island strip club will host a job fair this Saturday, hoping to place someone in thirty positions. So if you only know 29, don’t even bother showing up.
A high school principal in Texas was accused Wednesday of locking troubled students in a steel cage and forcing them to fight each other. He said he got the idea from Michael Vick.
One of the world’s most deadly spiders was found in the produce section of an Oklahoma Whole Foods Market. Wait a minute, the spider was found in a Whole Foods? It not deadly, it’s just organic.
During his town hall meeting with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Thursday, President Obama took questions from a third-grade boy. Meanwhile Schwarzenegger took a healthcare question from a Kindergartener to which he replied, “It’s not a tumor!”
On Friday, first lady Michelle Obama will plant the first vegetable garden at the White House since World War II. Although to be fair, during the Clinton administration there was a lot of talk about having an ‘Olive Garden’ at the White House.
The owner of a Rhode Island strip club will host a job fair this Saturday, hoping to place someone in thirty positions. So if you only know 29, don’t even bother showing up.
A high school principal in Texas was accused Wednesday of locking troubled students in a steel cage and forcing them to fight each other. He said he got the idea from Michael Vick.
One of the world’s most deadly spiders was found in the produce section of an Oklahoma Whole Foods Market. Wait a minute, the spider was found in a Whole Foods? It not deadly, it’s just organic.
3/19/09
More babies were born in the United States in 2007 than any other year in the nation’s history, including the peak of the Baby Boom. It’s an amazing statistic but unfortunately it’s the steroid era so it doesn’t count.
More babies were born in the United States in 2007 than any other year in the nation’s history, including the peak of the Baby Boom. … It’s a record the Octomom intends to single-handedly break this season.
CBS announced Wednesday that it has renewed the comedy “Two and a Half Men” for three more years. By that time you can probably just start calling the show, “Three Men”.
In Nebraska, a former police officer who was fired for being overweight was reinstated on Tuesday. But it wasn’t easy - it took three guys and a forklift to do it.
Under pressure from the Obama administration and Congress, the head of AIG said some of its executives have begun returning their bonuses. However some execs are dragging their feet claiming they already called, "No Takebacks!"
Belinda Carlisle was the first celebrity booted off “Dancing with the Stars” this week. But don’t worry, with the show’s new rules there’s a possibility she can be brought back on American Idol.
Merriam-Webster has included a secondary definition of marriage in their dictionaries to recognize same-sex relationships. I always knew there was something going on between Merriam and Webster…
More babies were born in the United States in 2007 than any other year in the nation’s history, including the peak of the Baby Boom. … It’s a record the Octomom intends to single-handedly break this season.
CBS announced Wednesday that it has renewed the comedy “Two and a Half Men” for three more years. By that time you can probably just start calling the show, “Three Men”.
In Nebraska, a former police officer who was fired for being overweight was reinstated on Tuesday. But it wasn’t easy - it took three guys and a forklift to do it.
Under pressure from the Obama administration and Congress, the head of AIG said some of its executives have begun returning their bonuses. However some execs are dragging their feet claiming they already called, "No Takebacks!"
Belinda Carlisle was the first celebrity booted off “Dancing with the Stars” this week. But don’t worry, with the show’s new rules there’s a possibility she can be brought back on American Idol.
Merriam-Webster has included a secondary definition of marriage in their dictionaries to recognize same-sex relationships. I always knew there was something going on between Merriam and Webster…
Thursday, March 19, 2009
3/18/09
On April twenty-first, American Idol will launch a new line of trading cards featuring the images of past and current contestants and judges. They’re great, when you put a bunch of the Paula Abdul cards in the spokes of your bike tires and ride, it makes the sound of an incoherent drunk woman.
... Most of the cards will be packaged with a stick of gum except for the Sanjaya cards which will come with a sucking candy.
Experts say a complete overhaul of the U.S. Health care system is likely to cost $1.5 trillion over the next decade. And that’s just the co-pay.
Space shuttle Discovery made its final delivery of solar panels to the International space station Tuesday. The delivery was a success but unfortunately the station was a little light on the tip.
Fumes from a port-o-potty on Bob Dylan’s Malibu compound are wafting thru his neighborhood causing residents to become ill. I’m no expert but it sounds to me like something besides the answer is blowin’ in the wind.
…I’m no expert but it sounds to me like his neighbors are Tangled Up in “Poo.”
... Most of the cards will be packaged with a stick of gum except for the Sanjaya cards which will come with a sucking candy.
Experts say a complete overhaul of the U.S. Health care system is likely to cost $1.5 trillion over the next decade. And that’s just the co-pay.
Space shuttle Discovery made its final delivery of solar panels to the International space station Tuesday. The delivery was a success but unfortunately the station was a little light on the tip.
Fumes from a port-o-potty on Bob Dylan’s Malibu compound are wafting thru his neighborhood causing residents to become ill. I’m no expert but it sounds to me like something besides the answer is blowin’ in the wind.
…I’m no expert but it sounds to me like his neighbors are Tangled Up in “Poo.”
Monday, March 16, 2009
3/16/09
On the "The View" this week Meghan McCain responded to a remark about her weight made by commentator Laura Ingraham by saying, "kiss my fat ass." Damn, sounds like there's a new Straight Talk Express in town and she's a double-wide!
Former NFL running back Travis Henry says he's broke from paying child support for nine children from nine different women. Wow, nine kids from nine different women... I smell a playdate with the Octomom kids!
The Senate is moving forward on a bill to set aside more than 2 million acres in nine states as protected wilderness. Included in the 2 million acres are 3 small patches of untouched land known as the Jonas Brothers' junk.
Congratulations to Jenna Jameson who gave birth to twin boys Monday. Mom and babies are said to be resting comfortably. As for her vagina... just another day at the office.
Despite calling off their engagement, Levi Johnston told "Good Morning America" that he'd like to get back together with Bristol Palin saying, "I don't know what she's thinking." I hear ya, girls are so tough to figure out - but my guess is if she's anything like her mother, she probably wasn't thinking.
Former NFL running back Travis Henry says he's broke from paying child support for nine children from nine different women. Wow, nine kids from nine different women... I smell a playdate with the Octomom kids!
The Senate is moving forward on a bill to set aside more than 2 million acres in nine states as protected wilderness. Included in the 2 million acres are 3 small patches of untouched land known as the Jonas Brothers' junk.
Congratulations to Jenna Jameson who gave birth to twin boys Monday. Mom and babies are said to be resting comfortably. As for her vagina... just another day at the office.
Despite calling off their engagement, Levi Johnston told "Good Morning America" that he'd like to get back together with Bristol Palin saying, "I don't know what she's thinking." I hear ya, girls are so tough to figure out - but my guess is if she's anything like her mother, she probably wasn't thinking.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
3/12-3/15
A riot broke out at a Manhattan casting call for America's Next Top Model when 10,000 model hopefuls overwhelmed security and were thrown into a frenzy. Authorities say the trouble started when a street vendor was overheard telling one of the models he was sold out of Coke.
Luckily no one was seriously injured but video of the riot shows the force of the mob collapsing security barricades, sending numerous models to the ground where they could have been crushed... which would've been the first time a bunch of models crushed anything they couldn't snort.
... which would've been the first time the a bunch of models crushed anything besides each others' self esteem.
... which would've been the first time a bunch of models crushed anything besides the hopes and dreams of that bitch over there!
At a party for Barbie's 50th anniversary, Khloe Kardashian responded to a West Virginia State Senator's proposal to ban the sale of the dolls in his state by saying, "He can suck an egg. Seriously." When asked to clarify her remark, Khloe's sister Kim Kardashian demonstrated exactly what her sister meant. Seriously.
A woman in the Bronx was shot in the abdomen yesterday but not by a gun, by a bow and arrow. It's unknown who fired the arrow but authorities plan to question "The Others."
Luckily no one was seriously injured but video of the riot shows the force of the mob collapsing security barricades, sending numerous models to the ground where they could have been crushed... which would've been the first time a bunch of models crushed anything they couldn't snort.
... which would've been the first time the a bunch of models crushed anything besides each others' self esteem.
... which would've been the first time a bunch of models crushed anything besides the hopes and dreams of that bitch over there!
At a party for Barbie's 50th anniversary, Khloe Kardashian responded to a West Virginia State Senator's proposal to ban the sale of the dolls in his state by saying, "He can suck an egg. Seriously." When asked to clarify her remark, Khloe's sister Kim Kardashian demonstrated exactly what her sister meant. Seriously.
A woman in the Bronx was shot in the abdomen yesterday but not by a gun, by a bow and arrow. It's unknown who fired the arrow but authorities plan to question "The Others."
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
3/11/09
In a public statement Levi Johnston announced that his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin is off, just 2 months after the couple had a baby. So now that makes Johnston a single father with experience in publicly dumping his fiance... Sounds like we found the next Bachelor!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
3/9-3/10
Bernie Madoff showed his first sign of remorse for his crimes today by agreeing to plead guilty to 11 counts of fraud which could land him 150 years in prison. The second sign: He's vowed to spend his time in prison paying back investors the $50 billion he lost... which in cigarettes should take him about 1200 years.
U.S. intelligence officials told Congress today that Iran doesn't have any of the materials needed to make a nuclear warhead. Well if that's not a reason to go to war, I don't know what is.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
End of the Week
Viewers who dvr'd American Idol Thursday night are upset after the show ran long causing the dramatic final five minutes of the show to get cut off. As a result millions of viewers were not able to see the surprise announcement of a 13th finalist... to which Scott MacIntyre responded, "Neither did I."
One of the most shocking revelations to come out of Chris Brown's arraignment hearing is that it took the popstar nine days to apologize to girlfriend Rihanna for allegedly beating and biting her - which is about how long it takes to get the 'Umbrella' song out of your head.
A week after getting engaged and then dumped on "The Bachelor", ABC announced that Melissa Rycroft will join the cast of "Dancing With the Stars". It's good timing for Rycroft considering how much all that dancing practice will come in handy at the wedding she isn't having.
Jaime Foxx's new video for his song "Blame It" features nothing out of the ordinary as far as rap videos go: Limo ride, check. Clubbing, check. Celebrities like Ron Howard popping champagne, check. Also you couldn't see it in the video but Potsie and Ralph were working the coat check.
In NFL news The Washington Redskins made the biggest splash in free agency inking defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to the first $100 million contract for a defensive player. Just to put into perspective how much money that is, think of it this way: What's Albert Haynesworth? $100 million. What's Brian Bosworth? About 300 bucks and a sweaty headband.
One of the most shocking revelations to come out of Chris Brown's arraignment hearing is that it took the popstar nine days to apologize to girlfriend Rihanna for allegedly beating and biting her - which is about how long it takes to get the 'Umbrella' song out of your head.
A week after getting engaged and then dumped on "The Bachelor", ABC announced that Melissa Rycroft will join the cast of "Dancing With the Stars". It's good timing for Rycroft considering how much all that dancing practice will come in handy at the wedding she isn't having.
Jaime Foxx's new video for his song "Blame It" features nothing out of the ordinary as far as rap videos go: Limo ride, check. Clubbing, check. Celebrities like Ron Howard popping champagne, check. Also you couldn't see it in the video but Potsie and Ralph were working the coat check.
In NFL news The Washington Redskins made the biggest splash in free agency inking defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to the first $100 million contract for a defensive player. Just to put into perspective how much money that is, think of it this way: What's Albert Haynesworth? $100 million. What's Brian Bosworth? About 300 bucks and a sweaty headband.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice admitted that during his career he was a "puppet" and apologized for his hair, clothes and music in a new video released on the Internet. Ice's apology surprised some but others welcomed it with open arms like Rush Limbaugh who's been hoping he'd fail since the 90's.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
3/3/09
New York Governor David Paterson's approval rating dropped to just 26% in the past month, a historic low for a sitting governor. But Paterson has remained positive and says while his critics see his approval ratings dip as the glass half-empty, he can only see half the glass.
John McCain's daughter Meghan blogged that her father's candidacy for President is hurting her dating life and as a result she's been spending more time with her girlfriends. You hear that guys, looks like someone's getting off the "Straight-Talk Express."
John McCain's daughter Meghan blogged that her father's candidacy for President is hurting her dating life and as a result she's been spending more time with her girlfriends. You hear that guys, looks like someone's getting off the "Straight-Talk Express."
Monday, March 2, 2009
Post Sick-Week Off
On the premiere of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, Andrew Dice Clay theorized in the boardroom that his team’s lackluster performance could’ve been better if Trump provided them with bagels in the morning. Dice's audacity shocked fellow contestants and left Trump with only one possible response: "You're Jewish!"
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