5/20/09

Michael Vick was released from Federal prison today. When asked about
returning to the NFL, Vick said he plans to,
"work like a... " -- He said he plans to, "fight like a..." -- He said
he plans to work really hard.

A 4.1 aftershock hit Los Angeles on Tuesday afternoon and was felt 120
miles away in San Diego. The aftershock was so big Manny Ramirez said
he felt it in his ovaries.

At least four inmates at Rikers Island have tested positive for swine
flu... which confirms a theory held by some health officials that the
swine flu can be spread from person to bitch.

At least 250 gyms and fitness centers have been established in Baghdad
since the 2003 U.S. invasion. This probably explains why some are
calling Baghdad the Long Island of the Middle East.

At least 75% of the people who took the Massachusetts teacher’s exam
this year failed the math section. But in their defense those math
questions are, "wicked haaaaaaard."

The Somali teenager who commandeered an American cargo ship in April
was indicted Tuesday on multiple piracy charges. His bail was set at
20 chests full of gold coins.