4/20/09 - POSSIBLE 3RD JOKE ON AIR!!!

Madonna was thrown from a horse this weekend after it was startled by paparazzi taking her photograph. Although her injuries are said to be minor she did temporarily lose the use of her British accent.

John McCain’s daughter Meghan said this weekend that “old school Republicans” are “scared shitless” of the changing political landscape. When asked if her statement applies to her father she said, "no, he craps his pants all the time."

A new study shows that Austin, Texas is the best city in the country for employment. So if you're looking for a job and you're willing to move, better do it soon before Texas secedes.

British scientists have developed a cure for the most common cause of blindness – which will be available to the public in seven years. That's bad news for guys who now only have seven more years to masturbate.

The owner of a pub in England is auctioning off a toilet seat on eBay after Camilla Parker Bowles used the bathroom. That's pretty gross but at least he's not trying to sell her Camila Parker "Bowels".

Congress will begin work this week on a global warming bill that could finally regulate auto pollution. When asked if the bill is any different than the hot air that usually comes out of Congress, environmentalists said they couldn't tell because of all the smog.

John McCain’s daughter Meghan said this weekend that Republicans using Twitter and Facebook won’t make people think the party is cool again. Instead she recommended the party release a sex tape.

A company in Utah is converting the Hummer into an electric vehicle that can achieve one hundred miles per gallon. Wow, an energy efficient, electric Hummer... sounds like douchebags found something they care about more than their abs.

Jackie Chan said Saturday that a free society may not be a good thing for China, and that the Chinese need to be controlled. Chan's comments drew criticism from many including Chris Tucker who said, "I don't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth!"