9/21/09

In the first game played at the new billion dollar "Dallas Stadium"
last night, the Cowboys lost to the Giants 33-31. Tony Romo threw
three interceptions but on the bright side none of his passes hit the
scoreboard.

Today is the last day of Summer - which means Lady Gaga can put away
all her short-sleeved male genitalia.

Last night the Emmy's unveiled a new format where the show was broken
into five specific award genres: Comedy, Reality, Variety Drama, and
shows about sharks.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham criticized President Obama’s media
blitz over the weekend, saying “he’s been on everything but the Food
Channel.” Ironically Graham made the statement while appearing on his
new Food Network show, "Whiners, Drive-ins and Dives."

A New Jersey man was arrested after his 4-year-old son brought his
cocaine to daycare and handed it out to other kids. Daycare
authorities knew something was wrong after the wheels on the bus would
not stop going, "round and round, round and round, round and round!"
(speed reading)

Avril Lavigne and her husband of three years – Sum 41 frontman, Deryck
Whibley – are getting a divorce. Apparently, "he was a Sk8er Boy, she
said see ya later boy." (Singing)

A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder
at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. Authorities on the scene
said they weren't sure if it was the most amazing home invasion story
they'd ever seen or the most disturbing Cialis commercial.

Happy, happy birthday to Nicole Ritchie. She turned 28... pounds.

Today is the last day of summer, and tomorrow is the first day of
fall… which means no more open toes for Lady Gaga, just camel toes.

A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating
Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating
championship on Friday. When presented with his trophies the man
burped, “thank you.” (burped)