6/2/09

North Korea is prepared to launch a long-range missile within a week,
capable of reaching Alaska. Sarah Palin told Alaskans not to worry
because she’ll be keeping an eye on North Korea from her front porch.

Happy birthday to two of the Rolling Stones! Yesterday guitarist Ron
Wood turned 62 ad today drummer Charlie Watts turned 68. That’s half
the Rolling Stones celebrating birthdays… and combined they’re half
the age of Keith Richards.

After only two days of filming "I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of
Here," in the Costa Rican jungle, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have
already tried to quit the show twice. Apparently they’re trying to
quit as many times as they’ve gotten married.

Reports out of North Korea say that Kim Jung Il is grooming the
youngest of his three sons, Kim Jung-Un as his eventually successor.
According to sources, he’s more qualified than his two older brothers
Kim Jung Duh and Kim Jung Fart.

In addition to a Reality Show, now The Octomom, Nadya Suleman has
signed on to also write a book. Sources say readers will be surprised
by what they find inside the book… Most notably: 8 smaller books.

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr unveiled new details about their
upcoming Beatles "Rock Band" videogame at the E3 conference in Los
Angeles. The game features 45 songs from the Beatles catalogue and
comes with LSD so you can play the songs backwards.

Seven more cases of the “Swine Flu” have been confirmed in Israel
bringing the total to 33. I think I speak for everyone when I say,
“Dude, that is so not kosher.”

More bad news for General Motors, they were kicked off the Dow Jones
Industrial Average yesterday. But don't worry, I'm sure GM will just
end up on Dancing with the Stars.

President Obama is inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S. for
Fourth of July celebrations. To make them feel more at home, instead
of fireworks, Obama's just gonna test a bunch of Nukes.

Good luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to
Egypt. He said he's looking forward to visiting the pyramids and
seeing all of Larry King's old drawings.

... While's he's there he plans on visiting the pyramids which were
built entirely by hand... by Michele Obama